Dear Steven :)
Steven,
It's hard to do this you know, put pen to paper and write my feelings down. I guess the one consolation I have is knowing I won't see your face when you read it. I'm sorry that we didn't get to say goodbye to each other properly. I had to be strong for you. Hearing you call out my name like that tore me apart completely; I don't think I've ever felt so sad in my whole entire life. I know it broke you leaving me, but it broke me too just as much, believe me.
I hate that I can't be with you, I really didn't want us to end like this. I hope you know that. You are destined for great things, only now it's without me, but I want you to know that when I was with you I was at my happiest. At least I will have some happy memories to think about while I'm locked away in here without you. No one has ever loved me the way you do and I want to thank you for never giving up on me no matter what. I really was blessed to meet you and have you in my life Steven.
I don't want you thinking that I didn't love you enough to fight for you because I do love you, very much. I always will you know that. Maybe a part of you will always love me too, I hope so anyway. You know my reasons for doing what I did, I don't want to ramble on about it, but don't think for one second that you weren't enough for me, because you were. I just couldn't let Chez live this life I'm living. At least one of us is happy hey Steven? I'm just sorry it wasn't us.
I know how you must be feeling because I feel the same, I also know that there is nothing that can make us feel any better, only each other and we can't have that. That's why it would've been better if I'd have died. At least me being locked away you can have a normal life, there would always be another walker, this way I know you're safe now. Just know that if I had a choice there is nowhere else I'd rather be than with you. You will always be my Steven even when you are someone else's and what a lucky man he will be. He'll have everything I nearly had, everything I'd ever wanted.
I know you want to visit me, but I can't let you see me in here, I want you to remember me how I was, not how I am now. Prison life has already taken its toll on me and I don't want you to see that. I don't want you to love me like this because I can't love you back in here. Can you understand that? I don't want you waiting for me do you hear me? Move on with your life, you always were too good for me anyway.
There is another reason why am writing to you and I totally understand if you don't want to, but I want you to have Chez Chez. Do what you want with it, make it your own…that's if you want to of course. We had some great memories in there didn't we? I remember our first proper kiss, you didn't know what I was gonna do did you? I took you completely by surprise didn't I? You did me as well.
I think that's when I fell hard for you, that first taste of you. Your soft warm lips always did feel amazing on mine, I'm gonna miss that…I'm gonna miss you. If you don't want it that's okay I guess, I just thought you could always have a bit of me with you. I know I hurt you, but in time the hurt will fade and so will your love for me. Even the greatest love dies when it's ignored. I love you and I always will…please don't ever forget that. Thank you for the memories, thank you for loving me. Goodbye Steven.
Brendan. xx
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