Author's stuff; Wow I still can't believe I'm doing a self-insert......I'll try not to be too narcissistic. For the record none of the names of the people in here are real. My name for purposes of this fic is Cerys. Think it's Welsh or something.
I made this as realistic as possible. What I would actually be wearing, have stashed in my pockets, etc if I got transported to Tellius. I mean, that is the definition of a self-insert, right?
I will say this intro isn't really what I had planned. It gets better next chapter, I think. Which is why this first chapter is obscenely looong, so I can get the irritating details outta the way.
Enjoy? Please?
"If you try to put mascara or eyeliner on, so help me I will scratch your eyes out," I state flatly, glaring at my friend as she applies the thick mask of Halloween makeup.
"But you wouldn't let me put fake nails for claws on, so you won't be able to," Chashy huffs. "And quit talking!" she adds irritably, holding up the brush thingy threateningly. "I can't work if your face is moving!"
Some friends—Chashy, the one holding the brush threateningly—and Jade, she would be the one who is currently not holding the brush--and I are doing a test run for Halloween. I plan on being a cat, unimaginative as it is. We're all seated on my ivory carpet in my cluttered bedroom, me sitting and being martyred for the sake of Halloween art while Chashy applies the cat mask on my protesting face. Music plays in the backround; Path of Radiance soundtrack! Haha don't ask. No, really, don't. That's just me being the music weirdo. No, I'm only slightly music weird compared to Jade, who is trying to dance while sitting down to the music. Exactly how she's trying to dance with her butt planted firmly on the floor is beyond most of us.
Finally Chashy finishes and beams. "Ta-daaaa!" she says melodramatically, placing down the brush so she can clap.
Cat calls—haha, bad pun--and various "Wows" ensue from both of them.
Jade stares and laughs. "You really do look like a cat, Cerys. Meowww"
I suspiciously face the mirror. Then my scowl changes to a ray of sunshiny grin as I beam like a self-satisfied cat. Which I pretty much am; a pair of ears—cheap and fitted over my head with a headband like any other kind of generic Halloween cat ears—are on my head. But my wavy dark hair has been artfully arranged to cover the actual headband and my real ears, so they look real. As for the face, my nose is shell-pink and sprouting whiskers that any self-respecting mammal would envy. The whiskers even match my hair; they're not black like most makeup but brown to match my hair's exact shade. I'm wearing a black shirt and black spandex leggings with a tail pinned on the back. I am extremely thankful once more that I'm skinny. As the great comedian . . . er, I actually forgot his-or-her name, but as whoever-it-was said, "wearing spandex is a privilege, not a right!"
"Meowww," I say, tilting my head. "I love you, Chashy."
We all laugh happily while Chashy beams. Then she declares, "It's perfect. Ex-cept foooor . . . ."
Eye rolls and a groan or two. Perfectionist.
"Wouldn't a domestic cat, like, have a collar or something?" Jade supplies.
I snort. "Uh, yea, I'll just borrow my dog's collar and wear it," I say sarcastically.
"You should . . . "--Chashy rummages through some stuff--wear this!" she says, holding up my charm necklace. "It's perfect!"
I can't help agreeing; one of the charms is actually a doggy in a red dog house. Another is a hello kitty. It's pet-perfect, really.
I take the necklace. It takes me a minute or so to actually find the clasp, though, like always; I've had the thing for awhile but I still can't put it on easily! You need to be a freaking lock-picker to put it on and off! It really does seem like a chain thingy you'd put on some poor animal.
"I might as well match," I say with a grin, digging out my charm bracelet as well. This one is just as difficult to put on.
Jade stares again. "You seriously look like a cat!" She laughs slightly. "You look like a laguz from Path of Radiance, actually."
I laugh. "You're right!" I giggle. "I do look like one."
"Well, uh, now what?" Jade says. "We're kinda done with the cat experiment . . . " she trails off, twirling her black hair on a finger. There's the amber highlights in it that match her round eyes, framed by mascara.
Chashy, on the other hand, whose stubborn curly hair is unceremoniously stuffed into a ginormous hair clip, has no makeup on her dusky skin or around her green eyes. Hmph. How come she got to put the cat mask on me? Isn't Jade technically the makeup expert?
"I'm hungry!" Chashy suddenly pipes up. "Let's make something!"
"We can just order takeout or something . . . or I can go drive and pick it up," Jade says hopefully.
Chashy and I both shiver simultaneously. Jade is confident in her driving abilities despite the fact that she doesn't actually quite legally have a license yet . . .
"Quit shivering and acting so scared! I can drive," Jade says huffily.
"I'll stop shivering only if you promise that you'll let me make food. You can't drive," Chashy orders rather irritably. She's wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt, jeans, and flip-flops. Definitely too hot in here to actually shiver.
"Fine."
There's a brief pause. "Uh, Cerys, why're you still shivering?" Jade asks.
I realize that I actually haven't stopped shivering yet. Oh. "I'm cold," I realize sheepishly, pulling on the first sweater I see—my royal blue hoodie with the school's name and dumb slogan. Dang I feel preppy, wearing so much school spirity stuff! After a moment's hesitation I pull the miniskirt I was wearing earlier over the leggings. Don't ask why, I always feel vaguely indecent wearing nothing but leggings . . . and my skirt has my stuff in the pockets. I feel uncomfortable without random crap in my pockets; don't ask why. No, really, don't. Dumb habit of mine. Not that the stuff in my pockets is actually useful (1); a paperclip or two, a shred of paper (but no pen), a tube of lip gloss, a compact mirror, and, of all things, my pocket CHinese-English dictionary from my grandma. THat thing's my blankie. My lucky charm. My comfort object, whatever you want to call it. Especially ever since I seriously sat down with Jade--fluent, the lucky/smart girl--and worked on reading and writing kanji.
"Uhhh, Cerys?" Chashy interrupts my musings on my stuff. "Look at your butt."
I realize that my butt does indeed feel weird. I glance down. Oh. The cat tail's still pinned on my butt! I snort and pull it out of my skirt so it's hanging down, visible beneath the hoodie's back.
"You could just take the tail off," Jade says patiently, like a mother explaining something to a three-year-old.
"What? And ruin all my work that quickly?" Chashy explodes indignantly, green eyes flashing. "Hmph!" She stalks downstairs and Jade and I hear the sound of rice rattling into the rice cooker before we realize that she's snappy from being so hungry. She's one of those people who can get away with using other people's kitchens and act like she belongs in one. Authority cloaks her among the pots and pans.
We follow her downstairs. I glance at the mirror as I walk down—hm, I really do look like a cat laguz. Hm, that reminds me of . . . Path of Radiance!
"Wanna play Path of Radiance while Her Highness gets food?" I suggest.
"Sure, but isn't that kinda a one-person game?" Jade shrugs.
"Who cares," I say blithely, plopping onto the beanbag—after I hold up my tail so I don't sit on it—and then I sit on something else. Sort of hard yet floppy. I glare at it—oh, great. I've just sat on Volumes 3 and 9 of Fruits Basket. Why were those two out? Why both of them? Why not three and four? Or two and three? Or nine and ten? Why don't I re-read stuff in order? Bah. Kyo glares at me from the cover. More kittiness! (2) Hatori stares. I grin, feeling the cat makeup stretch slightly on my face. Manga book is not comfortable for anyone's butt to sit on!
"You really should put those away," Jade comments lazily.
"I don't feel like it," I say automatically.
"Like you ever do?" Jade rolls her eyes indulgently. Unable to keep a straight face she finally just laughs. She never quite looks herself unless she's laughing, really. Before I knew her well I used to think her face would collapse if she stopped smiling.
"Fine," I huff, shoving the volumes into my big hoodie pocket. I've got quite a load in my various pockets--paperclips, paper, lip gloss, mirror, dictionary, manga. Jade laughs at my laziness until she has to go to the bathroom.
Finally I actually settle down and start up the wii. As the intro movie plays I think absently of how much I like the music. I hum along with it softly, under my breath. Singing louder and louder . . .
"Turn the volume down!" Chashy bellows from the kitchen, yanking the fridge door open.
"But I didn't turn it up—" I protest. What the—wait, why is the music getting louder? Eh???? I glare suspiciously at the volume control. I swear in tune to the music. It sounds funny; ever sung--really sung--a dirty word before?
What on Earth . . . ahhh! The music's definitely getting louder. And changing, too.
"Hey, that music sounds really cool," Jade says blithely, coming in. I jump in surprise; I hadn't heard her coming in—somehow the music got so loud that it drowned out the sounds of her flushing the toilet and washing her hands.
Suddenly we both freeze because a round green thing appears out of nowhere. No, not from nowhere, it looks like Mist's medallion from the game. Ohhhh, shiiii-- It's big and round and carved metal. It looks like a. . . .
"Looks like a . . . a portal. A door," Jade whispers.
"La puerta?" Chashy inquires. Miss Spanish Vocab Know-it-all!
I am somewhere between refusing to breathe and hyperventilating, don't ask how I pull it off. It gets worse as the portal-thingy starts spinning rapidly . . .
I jump as a soft woman's voice says in ringing tones like church bells " . . . the song . . . the portal . . ."
I'm falling. Or the world's falling. Scary colors everywhere! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I don't actually scream. That "ahhh!" is my brain. Along with a bunch of choice colorful expressions a girl picks up in public schools. 'Cause I am hyperventilating too much to actually draw breath for screaming. I dimly think I really oughta keep track of what's happening because this is very important. But I don't.
Bump. Hm, that should have hurt more but it didn't. Then I realize I've landed on a forest floor. I'm lucky I didn't land on my face and disturb the cat makeup or the cat ears. At least I can feel the tail. Wait, forest floor? Eh?
All of the sudden I realize that I'm in Tellius. I don't know why, but I am absolutely positively certain. I have never been so sure in my life of something before. I realize that I don't even doubt this or think it's a dream. Everything's too real, as if that voice-thingy I heard earlier was a prophet. And the voice said "indefinitely" . . .
"Indefinitely?" I mutter, worried, thinking with a rush of sadness of all my friends, family, dogs, school . . . hey, I'll never be able to finish reading the Christopher Paolini book series! That really bugs me. Or watch the last Harry Potter or Twilight movies. What the heck, why am I thinking of such insignificant things? Or ever be in another school show. Or go on the computer or use my iPod. Or—ahhH! I didn't know that would be that last time I'd see Chashy and Jade! Or anyone else I know for that matter! Or never eat the rice that Chashy was making! The stupidest things start pissing me off. Like the fact that this had to happen now, before Halloween! All that perfect kitty costume planning for nothing!
"Welcome to Tellius," says that softly ringing bell-like woman's voice from nowhere. I jump; somehow it's so loud I feel it vibrating in my bones. I feel and hear as if I'm standing underwater and hearing a huge church bell chime.
"Listen carefully, for this is all you need to know."
I'm listening, all right. Believe me. I'd say that all out loud, but my teeth are rattling. And I'm too absorbed and scared to think much, much less talk or even make sarcastic remarks.
"You and your friend Chashy are known as 'world wanderers.' The ability to journey through different worlds is one that reveals itself in different ways. In your case, when you sang correctly, you triggered the portal to Tellius." The voice pauses. "You will meet her again here. But in any case, I must lay down the most important part of world wandering; this place is and will be your home for some time." I feel my entire body shaking with the force of those words. "You will live a normal lifespan here. When it ends, you will return to your home world as it was before—you will find yourself perhaps changed on the inside, but outwardly the same. Goodbye and good luck. Do not try to contact me again. I will not hear." I can sort of feel the vibrations fading. Suddenly a last whisper reaches my ears. "One piece of advice; remember that the power of song brought you here. Consider how music may be applied to other kinds of magic." With a sort of parting whoosh of air, there's silence.
I'm severely rattled, of course. "Ohhhhh. . . . . " I breathe. I try to think of something appropriate to say. Something to sum up the situation. In drama movies they say something epic or meaningful or cute in moments like these. In funny movies they say an inappropriate word.
"Epic moment," I mutter. That sums up the situation and sounds corny. And it's not cussing or anything either.
I try to settle down and be reasonable, but my thoughts turn to Chashy. Apparently she'll be here too. Wait--hooold it! Chashy? I sigh. How's she going to make it here? Though somewhat bipolar on the outside—alternately huffy and giggly—I know that she's a random-food-loving sweetheart who loves to sing. But I'll miss Jade's constant smiles and music. Really, both of their voices. Especially Jade's Chinese accent! She really helped teach me how to speak and even read a little better. Which is why I happen to have my pocket dictionary with me. Then I sigh sadly. All that for nothing, right? They don't really speak Spanish and Chinese on Tellius, do they? Great. Hmm maybe there's some Japanese though? Fat lotta good for me, but still . . . Asian remnant of my homeworld. Oh wait! Hey! I pull out my manga books. Manga is a Japanese thing. I smile. Funny how I bring Japanese-created books to Japanese-created world. Then my smile fades. Aww, man, I never finished reading the Fruits Basket series! Oh, for the love of--
I allow myself to act sad and homesick (and, admittedly, irritated about the fact that so many book series will go unread until I get back), etc before I tear my thoughts from that to be reasonable. I consider my situation and sigh. Yes, I miss Earth and everything in it horribly. Yet the voice said I'd live a long life here, and return to Earth later. So I straighten up and make my decision; why waste my time in a fantasy land like this? I'll just live my life as though I belong here in Tellius. Any homesickness for Earth will have to be pushed away, in the back of my mind. I'll try to remember my life there without bitterness and remind myself that I'll be there again . . . eventually.
Suddenly I feel something weighing my hoodie pocket, reminding me of the manga volumes. I smile without bitterness at them this time. I feel amazingly relieved to see the familiar faces. Actually amazing that they survived a multi-universal-whatever-it-was journey! Good books. So did my charm bracelet and necklace. Then again, as I said before, those things have such hard clasps they'll probably be around till the end of time. And the other random crud in my pockets—dictionary, the paper, paperclips, lip gloss, and mirror.
I smile. Well, I apparently brought some keepsakes from home with me here. I'll hang onto them so I won't forget Earth completely. In the meantime . . . let my life in Tellius begin!
First off I take in my surroundings. Yea, I'm in a forest. It's kinda warm, so I roll up my hoodie sleeves. The charm bracelet clinks gently and reflects some sun. Eww, I'm lucky I'm on a dry part of the ground, because the rest looks really swampy. That really woulda messed up my makeuped face and tail. There's these big crates stacked all around, as if someone decided to put them in a dry spot. Like those weapons over there! Wait a minute—crates? Weapons?
Oh, snap! Crates plus weapons plus swampy place means I'm in a laguz slavers' camp or something like that! Great. As if some moving sounds and growling inside the crates weren't enough confirmation, it kinda stinks around here. Eww. I guess laguz cargo don't get baths do they?
A huge, ugly old guy comes waltzing—yea, right, more like stomping/pounding—over to me. Ew, on second thought, he's the one who probably doesn't get any baths!
I briefly feel very happy and relieved that I'm human—beorc—whatever. So they won't hurt me, right?
Then I feel the makeup on my face. The whiskers. The ears. The tail on my butt. Oh, snap! I really do look like a cat laguz! I hastily try to wipe it off but it refuses. I try to yank off the fake cat ears and tail but they're pinned on so well it almost tears my scalp off. Damn you, Chashy, for doing such a good job!
"I am never wearing makeup ever again," I mutter. Then I realize that the most sensible thing would be to turn and run. Assuming I can outrun these guys. Um, yeah. Oh. Greaaaat. If I die here do I'll go back? But wait, if I die here, then Chashy'll be all alone! I guess the idea really is that I live as though being in Tellius here is my life like I belong here.
I just manage to sorta halfway turn around and prepare to sprint when a big, scarred, ugly hand grabs my bicep. The guy's arm is so dang long that he's too far away for me to kick him in the particulars! Arg. I feel my eyes practically popping out at the sight and stench of this dude. Ewww!
Before I can do anything more he grabs my other arm.
"Look," I croak, "You're really making a mistake. I'm not really laguz—er, sub-human—"
"Do I look stupid to ye?" the guy laughs, showing bad teeth.
I open my mouth to say "yes" when I realize I shouldn't insult him when I'm trying to get away. So I say, "No, so you'll realize that I'm—"
"Yer a kitty," he growls, taking in my whiskers, nose, ears, and tail. I wince at his reeeeally bad breath. Ah-hem, haven't you heard of something called toothpaste? Oh, wait, this is Tellius so he probably hasn't. Has he? Uhhh . . . anyway, his breath is so bad I squirm, rattling the charm necklace and bracelet.
"What the—" The guy squints at the chain link metal and grins. "Ar, ye've been 'ere before 'aven't ye?" He chuckles. "Yer wearin' slave shackles." I realize with a groan that the jewelry does look like freakin' chains! "Runaway, eh? Who's yer master? Yer owner?"
I stare blankly. It occurs to me that if I was reading this somewhere I'd laugh at the insane situation. Could this have been planned for a funny story better? Landing in a slavers' camp on the exact same hour I'm wearing a convincing cat costume? Really!
"Ar, too stupid to remember?" I am on the verge of protesting my stupidity when he growls, "Ar, doesn't matter. We'll sell ya for a handsome profit!"
I want to scream. Oh, wait, I don't just want to, I do before I can think about this.
"AHHHHTHISREALLY-guh" I manage to get out before my mouth is blocked by something disgusting. Eww! Ew! Ewwww! He put his stupid hand over my mouth! Ewwww I think his fingers touched my teeth. Ew ewe w ewe w. I feel like dying. Scratch the idea of biting his hand, my mouth's contaminated for life!
I vaguely attempt to kick him but do you really think it worked? In case you think it would yeah right. I think he didn't even notice but he pulls out this ax thingy and holds it over my throat. Funny how much bigger it looks in real life. And sharper and scarier. Just like how much more the villains really smell here.
"C'mon," he chuckles, dragging me.
"Is it really that bright holding a big bloody ax over my head?" I demand. "Not that bright. If you kill me you won't be able to sell me!"
"Shaddup," he growls, brandishing said weapon.
"That's 'cause you're too stupid to understand my argument," I snap.
"I can sell you with bruises," he growls, thwacking me in the side with the ax's handle. Ow!
I glare at him. "Men like dumb jocks use their arms not their heads," I taunt. Actually, I take that back. His hair's so greasy it could be a weapon! Just the sight (and smell) makes me feel ill.
"Quit bein' so sassy," he growls, thwacking me again. I do my best not to wince but pretty much fail. My pain seems to make him happy because he grins a bit as he drags me over to some sort of clearing where other ugly guys like him—and some even uglier!--are standing around spitting, talking, swinging weapons.
I really do my best not to show it but I'm freakin' terrified! I'm one lone girl in a sea of gross men! Ahhh! This is what my mom would freak out about when I was downtown! Then I remember that I won't see mom for awhile. Ouch. Okay, push away the homesickness . . .
I settle for a bored expression. Suddenly I wonder with panic if the books are falling out of my hoodie pocket. Whew, they're not. I wonder what would happen if one of the slavers saw them? Umm . . . I keep wondering. And then I start wondering what the heck is going to happen to me here, much less my books! Ha, trust me to worry about my multiple books first.
I turn my attention back to the disgusting men. Anyway, here I am in this group of gross slavers. Plus some poor laguz being restrained by said disgusting men.
"Hey, boss, lookee 'ere!" Ugly Guy One laughs. "Caught another one! Kitty cat."
I stare. I can't believe it; it's actually the guy from the video game! The slaver-dude from the swamp whom Ike and company fight to get the crates and do the Apostle's dirty work! From that chapter . . . eh, I forgot which one! But that's the actual boss of that chapter! Holy crap, it's one thing to come to Tellius, another to actually see the characters! Only they're not characters. They're real people! More's the pity in this case.
"Anyway, I think it's a runaway," Ugly Guy One continues, yanking my charm necklace to explain. Oww. That is going to leave a red mark on my neck! I wonder where Ike and company are at this point? It would be really nice if they could rescue me. Quite convenient and would save lots of pain.
The boss guy frowns and peers at me. I feel so tiny and insignificant under that gaze. I straighten up as much as I can in Ugly Guy One's grasp. He notices and shakes me like a naughty puppy. I glare at him and get whacked on the shoulder. Ow again! Is it their goal in life to inflict as much pain as possible? Or maybe it's just habit for them.
"Looks troublesome. Sassy," the boss comments. What was his name?
"If it's a runaway I don't think it's—"
"Wouldja quit calling me an 'it', ninos estupidos!" I explode. "'It' is a pronoun used on inanimate objects! I am living, breathing, definitely animate and probably a lot more intelligent than any of you put together!"
I hear a muffled smirk. I glance around—a blue-haired raven laguz laughing at the slavers' expense. I smile slightly myself.
The slavers are all staring at me. Probably completely stunned by my outburst. I guess most of their poor "cargo" shut up faster after they get hit.
"Neen-yo istoopeedoe?" one of them repeats my Spanish in disgust. "It speaks gibberish."
I smirk a little. I had said "nino estupido"—stupid boy—in Spanish. Obviously no Spanish spoken here. They have no clue what I'm saying.
"No tienen unos cabezas, eh? Lay deh mo no." I taunt in both Spanish and Chinese. Two different languages, same insult. Loosely translated, "Y'all don't have any heads." Not the most witty of epithets, but it's fun to see the shock on their faces.
Until I get whacked again. It's worth it, though, to hear that raven laugh again. Even when he gets smacked too, poor guy.
"Ow! Tengo dolia en mi hombre," I complain. I have pain in my shoulder. I have a nasty feeling that my Spanish teachers would scream at me—I'm pretty sure my accent and grammar reeeally suck—but it's the thought that counts.
Ugly Guy One scratches his ugly head in confusion. "Thought kitties spoke in growls."
"Grrrr," I say for his benefit.
"Grrr-arr!" growls a different voice. I glance at a different cat laguz—ahem, a real cat laguz, unlike moi—looking at me with frank suspicion. Another one is sniffing the air. They can probably both tell that I'm not one of them. Eh-oh. I really hope they don't spoil my lie. I have a feeling that if these slaver guys knew that I'm human—beorc—they'd kill me instead of selling me. And I definitely prefer to stay alive. Theoretically I can at least escape if I'm alive, even in slavery.
"No soy un gato. Gnaw mm hai mao," I mutter. Translation; I'm not a cat. In both Spanish and Chinese. I catch the raven guy's eye. He smirks. I grin back until we both get whacked. Owww. Obviously the slavers interpreted my innocent statement as another insult.
The slavers are all glaring at me.
"I bet its owner doesn't even want it back," one mutters. Ha. Like I ever had one, morons.
"Gashilama," Ugly Guy One says—oh, that's the boss's name!—"should we shove it in the crate? Sell it later?"
"I'm not an 'it,'" I growl again.
Whack. Damn, the bruises are going to bloom soon. I get shoved unceremoniously into one of those crates. The wooden lid on top smacks down. There's a loud banging sound—another veeeery heavy crate has been placed on top of mine.
I glance around my new temporary home. It's no hotel Hilton. The wood's rough but very strong. If a big ol' tiger laguz couldn't smash their way out, no way I can.
I take stock of everything available to me. All the objects I have with me; my Chinese-English dictionary, two manga books, a piece of paper, two paperclips, a tube of lip gloss, and a compact mirror. And there's my cat ears and tail.
How useful. Greaaat. Why couldn't I have anything useful with me? Like, say, a pocket knife? Matches? Pistol? Something to help me get out of here!
"Welcome to Tellius," I mutter to myself. "Hm, what happened to housewarming gifts?"
Looks like my new life's off to an . . . interesting start. Yeah. Wonder how Chashy's doing? Can't be much worse off than me . . .
Footnote thingies;
(1) It's true I carry random things in my pockets. Plus those objects will help out later . . . oopsie spoiler/cliffhanger!
(2) I apologize to anyone who doesn't read Fruits basket manga. But I'm trying to be realistic here, and I do have them lying around the house.
Author's stuff; Well? Even if you hate it tell me please. I'm curious. I realize this ending was a bit of a silly cliffhanger, and there's not much interaction with the Fire Emblem peoples, etc. I promise you meet more canon characters next chapter!