He could not allow the distraction any longer. A friendship to define us both, it seemed to be the poetic musings of an emotionally compromised older half-Vulcan half-Human man now, not the vague insight of a man who had already lived a lifetime with his own Captain Kirk.
Jaemisen Tara Kirk. She was a distraction. She was one being, one human, who seemed to be able to control his emotions at times better than he himself could. Even Nyota had begun to notice.
"You know, you don't even show me half the amount of emotion that she gets from you without even trying. I don't understand it. It's like you can't control yourself when you're around her. It doesn't make any sense." Nyota had said.
"I myself do not understand. It is a trying task to control myself around her. I should not have volunteered myself as her first officer. It was an illogical decision."
"Not illogical. She needs you. She needs someone who can think logically, especially seeing as how she isn't the least bit logical." Nyota replied. However, she was not correct. Captain Kirk was completely capable of logical thought, it was only that her leaps of logic were just that, leaps. "I just don't understand why you spend so much time with her off duty. You play chess, talk about who only knows, it doesn't make any sense. It's almost like you like feeling out of control around her, which, I know you don't."
Nyota did seem to strike a chord within the Vulcan. A resonating thought. He did spend more and more time with the captain, for reasons he would not share. And yet, he found that the emotions he experienced in their private times, playing chess, going over reports, and speaking to each other every so often about their childhoods, they were not unpleasant emotions. The only unpleasantness he found was his own lack of ability to control himself on occasion in front of others when the captain was around.
"Nyota, I have been attempting to cultivate a better working relationship with the captain that is all. I do not understand why you have become so upset over the matter."
"Because I have. You went into that Volcano without a second thought and almost died, Spock! You went because she asked you to, and you were completely okay with dying because of it! I can't believe it. You shut me out, shut everyone out, except when it comes to the captain. And then when it's painfully obvious she's just as upset as I am about the whole thing, you only seem to care that she's upset with you about wanting to stay and die. I don't understand it. I'm trying to, but you're not helping."
"Nyota, it was not out of difference towards any one person that I chose to remain in the Volcano and sacrifice myself for the good of many. The Prime Directive was violated with my rescue, it is only due to Admiral Marcus that we were able to come back to the Enterprise at all. The Prime Directive is Starfleet's most sacred doctrine, and should never be violated. I am curious as to whether or not Captain Kirk and I will remain on the Enterprise after we return to Earth with Khan."
"You don't get it do you? This has nothing to do with the Prime Directive, or Admiral Marcus, or Khan. I… I can't do this with you anymore, Spock. I can see plain as day that you love her, not me. Can you?"
Nyota walked out of the Vulcan first officer's quarters abruptly then, leaving him in a maelstrom of confusion.
Spock thought on her last words. She had, if he knew the human custom enough, effectively terminated their romantic involvement with one another. Was it true what she said, did he in fact have deeper attachment to the captain than he had admitted to himself? Was the friendship that would define them both spoken of by his older counterpart in fact more than a simple friendship?
He needed to meditate, to reflect further on the words Nyota had spoken to him, and to diffuse any confusion he felt.
But he didn't have the chance.
"Bridge to Spock." The captain's voice sounded over the intercom system.
"Spock here." He walked to the com system and tapped the button that would allow him to communicate back to the bridge, back to the captain.
"I think you'd better come here. And hurry."
He would have to think on this later. Meditation would have to wait, yet again. Right now, his captain needed him.