Beta: The fabulous RoadOfRuin *squaz*
Inspiration: "The Start of Something Good" by Chris Daughtry – I highly recommend you put this song on repeat while reading – and my own life.
Disclaimer: Not mine. The book mentioned is Miles To Go by Richard Paul Evans, all characters are respectively of the DGM world.
Warning: This story does switch between two different timelines of sorts, and will also switch between tenses. There is the "current day" storyline that begins and ends the story, but refers to some past events. There is also a "reminiscent" storyline that, while being italicized to show it is of the past, also switches between past and present tense. I hope this isn't confusing – it wasn't for me but was for my awesome beta, so I thought I should warn up front. We'll just say I'm taking some creative liberties with the English language and leave it at that. I'll admit it's different from my usual style – this story demanded to be written a little differently. ^^ Thank you!
Anyway, I truly hope you enjoy reading. :)
For Tessa
who saved my life
OoOoOoOoO
Allen woke to the sound of the ceiling fan still running and the light on – he had never gotten back up after stretching out to read the night before. Wiggling for a minute underneath the quilt, he rolled over and fished his book back out of the empty space between his mattress and the wooden bed frame.
Lavi shifted; curling back up on his other side and sighing shortly close by. He was awake right then, but would probably doze in and out, Allen was certain, until Allen himself decided to get up.
Eager to finish the last few dozen pages of the book he had desperately tried to soldier through the night before, Allen found his spot again and spent the next half hour reading to the last page.
He liked the story, such as it was. Lenalee had recommended it to him. It was the story of a man with the perfect "American dream" life, suddenly loses everything in the span of five weeks. His wife dies, his business stolen by his (now former) partner, his home foreclosed, and cars repossessed. Having nothing to tie him to home anymore, he gathers enough supplies to live off the road and starts to walk. Across the United States, from Seattle all the way to Florida – about 3,500 miles in the end. The second book in the series ended with the man in South Dakota.
In an obscure way, Allen felt a kinship to this fictional character, though he had traveled out of his hometown perhaps a few times a year, and had not been to a single place the man had seen.
But, he found a few similarities to this man non-the-less. He felt he was on a similar journey in search of hope.
Two years next month would be his personal mile marker... the anniversary of Mana's passing.
Rolling onto his side, he rubbed at his itching, sore eyes and inhaled deeply. Nearly 10 o'clock in the morning and he could barely find the want to crawl out of bed. His desire to do much of anything was virtually gone these days.
Looking over the edge of his bed, Allen realized he had also forgotten to latch Lavi's kennel the night before. Oh, he was already on a roll and he hadn't even done anything yet.
Bad daddy, bad!
Luckily for him, it didn't look like Lavi had gotten adventurous during the night; nothing was destroyed, messed with, or peed on. Almost two years of routine dies hard, apparently. He breathed a short sigh of relief.
With a wane smile, Allen called out softly. "Lavi... Lavi, are you awake?"
He clicked his tongue a few times, his easy signal for 'come' without actually saying it, and Lavi lifted his head in a disoriented way. Looking over his shoulder and peeking up at the boy, he yawned widely and pulled himself upright.
Allen watched him step lazily out of his kennel and stretch with another yawn, but then immediately sided up with his bed with an eager eye. The boy patted his mattress in invitation and large red paws nearly hit him in the face; but there wasn't enough room between his bed and the kennel for Lavi to jump up all the way. Reaching down, Allen looped an arm under Lavi's belly and heaved him the rest of the way with a laugh.
Allen pulled Lavi further away from the edge of the mattress and gathered the bulk of his body into his arms for a quiet hug. Lavi let him, even leaned his head in against the young man's chest with not a hint of resistance. Allen buried his face into soft fur – that probably needed a good brushing later, given how much of it stuck static-like to his face after he pulled away – and sighed.
After a few moments, he lay back and let Lavi settle in next to him, his head on Allen's arm and Allen's free hand on his side, stroking up and down his ribs. They didn't sleep together and rarely cuddled like this longer than twenty minutes, given that both of them found themselves too warm too easily and would heat each other out. But Allen tried to enjoy it while it lasted. These simple little moments that left them content and peaceful, for a time.
Allen rolled Lavi all the way onto his back and deeper into his arms, mildly surprised and a little touched when the other didn't even fidget. Lavi pulled his head in against Allen's and batted at him lightly, almost irritably, with his paw; signaling that he wanted some part of Allen to hold. The boy wrapped his arm over the top of him, so Lavi would stop twitching his paw at him, and snuggled into his side.
Allen smiled a little, his nose on Lavi's head and breathing in his soft scent. It was funny; in the beginning Allen had been easily bothered by his general pound-puppy dog odor and he and Kanda had sarcastically bickered about it several times. But now, after grooming sessions to get rid of the layers of dead skin and caked fur and the every-month-or-so baths to keep him from getting too greasy and living with the various fragrances of Allen's home, Lavi had transformed from reeking like a muddy dog that had been around antiseptic and lemon scented cleaning supplies too long to smelling like his doggy shampoo and Allen's mild aftershave and something so undeniably Lavi that Allen just couldn't get enough of it now. Every time Allen leaned down or Lavi jumped up for a hug or a kiss, Allen would breathe in and indulge in that smell.
Just like he was right now.
Allen was fairly certain that if Lavi were human he would have thought this fantastically odd and even a little disturbing. He was also very certain that if Kanda ever walked in on them like this he would have more than one unnecessary thing to say about it. But Lavi just stared up at the ceiling with his front paws curled up and his back legs splayed, grinning his soft dog grin as he let Allen hold him close and massage his neck and rub his belly and kiss him whenever he wanted.
Because the more he allowed, the calmer Allen became... the more naturally he began to smile, and even began to laugh when Lavi turned his way to lick the underside of his chin.
Suddenly it didn't seem to matter that Allen had felt broken when he had woken up that morning.
With Lavi, he was happy.
OoOoOoOoO
It hadn't always been easy for them.
Lavi was a medium-sized, 65-pound, fire-colored mutt as Kanda preferred to call him, a who-got-over-the-fence-first all American dog. No one seemed to be able to exactly pinpoint his breeds. He had the general build of a Newfoundland with touches of Labrador (especially in the face), Australian Shepherd, and Pointer. Only 21 inches at the shoulder, when you looked down at the top of his back he almost looked Corgi, and when he was soaking wet and all his thick fur was flat, the structure of his chest and sides sloped deep like a Greyhound.
Allen had met him the first time at the local Humane Society a little over a year and a half ago. With deep wounds concealed but a strong desire to keep moving, he had come in search of a future. What he found was this unusual, perfectly ordinary dog peeking up at him through the wired mesh of his cage, looking exactly like how he felt.
Over an hour he had spent in the humane society that day; walking up and down each aisle, looking in every kennel, searching for something only some unnamed instinct seemed to understand. After taking the first four dogs out and finding himself still at square one, the dark side of his heart had been right in the middle of persuading him that he would never find what he was looking for when he passed by the kennel two away from the middle with a lone dog... a dog with a scar that crossed jaggedly over his right eye and watched him with only the left, who did not regard him fearfully from the corner, or slam into the kennel door with paws rigid and teeth bared, but instead sat lazily against the wall and looked up at him with his one keen amber eye; looked up at him so easily and so wisely that Allen had to double take.
Had he not known better, he would have said that Lavi had been waiting for him.
But then, knowing what he knew now, maybe he didn't really know better at all.
He took Lavi outside into one of the fenced pens, wondering idly what he would be like. Every other time he had come out here with a dog, they had almost immediately disregarded and ignored him; an instant turn-off that made it easy to return them to their kennels.
But Lavi... Lavi was different.
He sniffed around the pen for a minute or two, but instead of going after the toys or barking at the other dogs and humans around, Lavi wandered so little away from where Allen parked himself on the bench. The red dog with the intelligent gaze didn't take long to come over and jam himself right between the young man's knees, his front paws in Allen's lap and the bulk of his body against Allen's chest, wiggling his way into those arms and seemed quite content to stay there. He just sat, and listened.
"What are you doing?" Allen had whispered gently to him, confused and curious, unconsciously pulling him close; like it was the most natural thing in the world to fully embrace a dog he had just met.
Lavi didn't answer. He didn't need to.
For nearly 20 minutes, Allen could only pet him quietly and stare in subdued wonder. More than once, his cheek fell to rest on the top of Lavi's head. He didn't say another word. It was as if Lavi could tell exactly why he was there. They sat there in silent conversation until the closing hour came.
It was difficult to leave. Morosely, Allen led Lavi back to his kennel and bid him farewell, idly figuring that time spent together would become a fond memory and he would quickly forget about all of it.
He laughed about having such a thought now. How could you long forget someone who seemed to call to your very soul? Allen spent the next two days constantly thinking about the curious red dog who had been so at ease in his company. He couldn't get Lavi out of his head, and debated heavily about returning.
He had never owned a dog before Lavi. Mana had been allergic, but that had never stopped Allen from wanting a dog, even as a child. Though Kanda had been the first to voice the suggestion of adopting one to help him cope with his foster father's death, he was also the first to remind him just how naïve he was about dogs. Among other things, Kanda had grown up with them, remembering them more than his own parents as a child, and knew more about their psychology than just about anyone Allen knew. He could train the worst kind of dog with militaristic precision and could profile a puppy's personality and quirks at only a few weeks old. Despite their differences and tendencies to bicker, there was no one's opinion upon this particular subject whom Allen relied on more.
Yet still, when Allen finally gave in and they made plans to go to the Humane Society together so Kanda could assess this animal himself, in the back of Allen's mind he was hoping, praying Kanda might be impressed by what he had found in Lavi, no matter his own level of experience.
Maybe, Kanda would see that Lavi was special. That perhaps, Allen could find a friend inside the unknown. A friend whom he could take care of, and in return, could take care of him.
Their next free evening had found both Kanda and Allen making the half-hour drive. In something like mild panic, fearful too late that Lavi might have been adopted already or, heaven forbid, moved or euthanized, Allen raced to the dog kennels and made a beeline for the one he had left Lavi in days before.
He heaved a sigh of relief when he found the red dog still there, still waiting patiently, with a face that said he had known Allen would return.
Far less sentimental about the whole set of circumstances, Kanda observed Lavi, profiled his temperament, guessed at his mixed breeding, checked his teeth and ears, verified his medical history and vaccinations, and though he expressed some concern about Lavi's missing history passed him as a suitable canine companion. Within the next hour, the papers had been signed and Lavi was in the back of Kanda's truck. He was all Allen's.
With a breath of apprehension as they drove back home, Allen let his old life of being a fatherless child end and woke to being an adult with a new lifelong responsibility.
He only wished the transition could have been easier for his heart to accept.
Life with a dog had started out hard and dropped into gut-wrenching fairly quick. He was only five months past Mana's funeral and he still felt both dead and destroyed inside. He had already known this about himself, but didn't realize how much it would affect him to bring a dog into his home.
Once again, there was someone there with him as he readied for bed that night, changing into his pajamas and setting up Lavi's kennel by his bed. Lavi explored every inch of his tiny home closely while Allen went through his nightly routine, sniffing around the corners and poking about the furniture until Allen called for him. After some encouragement, Lavi crept up to him, and with some hesitation, lay down with his head in Allen's lap.
Allen studied him carefully, stroking long and slow over and down Lavi's head and shoulder, considering him thoughtfully. He didn't say anything, even when Lavi rolled his head to the side to look up at him with that same intense gaze.
And Allen didn't know what or why, but he had the distinct impression even on that first night that he was missing something essential, something important, when he gave Lavi his attention so completely. Something that felt familiar and yet wrung his heart so sharp that he had to flee from it before long. With a pat and a soft whisper of emotion, Allen offered a good night and directed Lavi into the kennel. But as he himself lay down to sleep, staring up at the dark ceiling and listening to Lavi's breathing and movements, he thought on the void.
The void that reminded him of everything that was no longer his.
He discovered very quickly the next day that his new friend was even more complicated than he first assumed. Though Lavi was moderately well tempered and behaved, he did come with an unknown past that quickly gave rise to seemingly unreasonable separation anxiety and several odd habits.
Allen learned almost immediately that Lavi hated being left alone. After returning from a three-hour event the day after the adoption, Allen was greeted at the front door with a frenzy of wild whimpering and squeaking coming from the kennel in his room, the noises so fearful that he dropped his bag and shed his coat in a run. Lavi had knocked everything off the top of his kennel and pulled the blanket thrown over it through in three different places. When Allen unlatched the kennel in a panic, Lavi barreled into him with desperation. Wheezing in hard, fast breaths and trembling violently, he wouldn't settle until Allen sat down on the floor and pulled him into his arms. For several minutes, Allen soothed with the words he remembered Kanda telling him he should say to an anxious dog and held him tight.
He didn't let go until Lavi's breathing was back to normal. And even then, for the next two hours Lavi attached himself to Allen's leg and refused to let the boy out of his sight.
"Well, think about it-" Kanda told him over the phone when Allen finally called to see whether or not this behavior was normal. "He was probably abandoned by his family – either left behind or dumped in some place to be picked up by strangers. He thought you were going to do the same."
Hearing that sent Allen for a loop; it completely changed the way he looked at Lavi. Part of him started to understand the concentration in Lavi's eye when they made eye contact; part of what felt so familiar.
"It looks like you and I are more alike than I thought fella..." Allen murmured to him, his left hand resting on Lavi's head for the entire duration of the phone call. For that next hour, Lavi barely moved from his place curled up against Allen's side where he lay on the floor. He was quiet for the rest of the day.
It seemed they both had a past neither wanted to have and didn't know how to deal with.
Taking in this new information, Allen altered some of his expectations. This wasn't going to be nearly as easy as he had once supposed, not that he had foreseen it to be a walk in the park, but it wasn't in him to give up on it yet.
He needed a distraction from his grief, needed someone to take care of, and he found that much in Lavi. And it seemed that Lavi needed him as well, in more than just physical needs.
However, the very next day, Allen woke to violent sneezing coming from the kennel. Lavi had developed a horrible cough and refused to eat. His nose was caked and dripping with snot that he couldn't lick away. Allen panicked yet again – he had never nursed a sick dog before. He didn't calm down until Kanda came over after work and wacked him upside the head for getting flustered and in turn making Lavi extremely nervous on top of being sick. Nursing for Dogs 101 began immediately. There was no going for walks or playing games or teaching tricks. Under Kanda's careful (and intimidating) direction, Allen was making an appointment with the veterinarian, learning how to force feed antibiotic pills, mixing dog food with a little bacon grease to try to tempt Lavi to eat (but was refused until day three), giving spoonfuls of cottage cheese of all things to help with the diarrhea, and spent every morning cleaning up a boogery nose that would have put the average two year old with the sniffles to shame.
Allen had the oddest thought that this was kind of what being a parent was like, and wondered if Mana had ever felt like he did now; as he cleaned up Lavi's snotty nose with a cloth saturated in hot water so he could breathe through it again. The only difference seemed to be that his child was big, furry, floppy-eared, and would sometimes wag his tail whenever he entered the room. The analogy made him chuckle internally.
The next several days were quiet in the Walker home. Allen spent all his spare time doing what little he could, and Lavi shadowed his steps whenever he had the interest or strength. They could frequently be found on the couch or on Allen's bed, watching a movie, reading a book, listening to a new song, Allen talking softly about the world to his dog while Lavi listened to his human. Both observers by nature, they gleaned as much as they could about each other in the silences as much as the noise.
But for Allen, in his slow education of learning where and how Lavi seemed to like being petted most, started to feel like Lavi was working on him as well; pushing softly on his heart with that same quiet intensity, that searching, questing need to know why Allen was so quiet too; so gently that Allen actually allowed it.
It was that gaze. That eye, that watched with such keen intelligence and unflinching focus, that made Kanda somewhat wary and left Allen so enamored. Kanda had voiced his concern from the beginning – that when dogs stare, it's for one of three reasons: either they are aggressive, afraid, or curious. He was primarily familiar with aggressive, knowing that most dogs stare to challenge, and discouraged the behavior by ensuring Lavi looked away first. But Allen thought otherwise. He felt no apprehension or fear when Lavi held his eyes. Lavi was just watching him, consistently observing him, monitoring his movements with his lone amber orb flecked with bits of emerald, silver, brown, red.
He had a feeling that eye would be his undoing.
Lavi recovered from his illness, but remained rather subdued and quiet. He caught on to commands easily, required almost no house training, and figured out how to walk nicely on a leash. He slept a good deal of the time and could frequently be found in a corner, along a wall, against the couch, under Allen's bed, or in his kennel. Allen liked to say Lavi was part wolf, since he preferred areas of the house that were more den-like than exposed. Every time a siren went off close by, he certainly howled like one.
But for all his lethargic tendencies, it wasn't long before Allen figured out that Lavi loved to run. After several visits to Kanda's house and his enormous fenced backyard, Allen finally saw it himself – Lavi zipping around at breakneck speed with his tongue lolling and nearly sliding around sharp corners like a barrel-racing quarter horse, driving Kanda's seven other dogs crazy. Allen started laughing watching him that day, and even Kanda looked amused. But then, after about twenty minutes, Lavi would return to Allen; let the boy rub him down with praise and then park himself at his feet to take a break.
Before Lavi, Allen had few close friendships and hated being in the center of attention, paranoid and wary until he was in the background again. But, when the need to go out increased with a furry child to take care of, so did his social life. Confident until someone he didn't know tried to strike up a conversation with him, Allen found he enjoyed taking Lavi everywhere he could get away with – Lavi gave him something to talk about. On their outings, he could tell someone willing to listen all about his dog instead of finding something about himself to say. Lavi had an easy charm about him that put him and the people he was around at ease and made conversation comfortable.
Yet he remained an odd dog, a mix of personality not even Kanda could have predicted with plenty of suspicions of his own. Allen knew that even for all Lavi's reservations and corner-child ways, somewhere inside him was an affectionate ball of love waiting to be set free. But his past remained a mystery, and his past held the key as to why he held back. Lavi tolerated hugs and the overabundance of love he was showered with, especially by Allen's friends who thought he was so adorable, but initiated very little affection himself and for the most part, he kept to himself.
But he would watch Allen, because he knew Allen was the one who had chosen him, and Allen could see it in his face that he wasn't inclined to be a completely independent dog.
Even in the first few days, Lavi was resting his muzzle on Allen's leg in the car. Sometimes he would hop up on the couch of his own volition and lay down by Allen's side during a movie. He brightened when Allen brought him a treat or shared part of his food. He greeted Allen at the door every day when the white-haired adult returned home from work. He did all the typical, surface acts a dog was expected to do; to all appearances normal and well adjusting from pound life into family life.
But Allen knew better. No matter what Kanda said about all his very real inexperience, Allen could feel it that this was so little, far less than what it could be. And it wasn't Lavi's fault. It was his.
There was a kind of reverence some people use when talking about their dogs. While watching one of many documentaries, Allen had learned that there is perhaps no other animal so in tune to humans as dogs are. And he believed it when he watched Lavi. He could see it more and more as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into a month. Lavi ached for a friend, but something was still holding him back... his trust was so damaged that he was unwilling to make a real first move.
And though Allen knew that, it broke his heart every time he tried to really bond with Lavi, to let Lavi know that he wasn't going to walk away and leave him alone like others had. Because he couldn't promise that. He knew too much about how finite life was. It stretched the scars and ripped open the wounds and he felt himself bleed every time his heart asked for permission to grow from the soft spot he had for Lavi into real love; the love that he knew he would lose one way or another. If injury or disease did not claim him, age would within a decade. He still felt like someone had cut off his foot the day Mana died, and he hadn't yet figured out how to walk on a bleeding stump. It hadn't been long enough. But the problem was, he didn't know if there would ever be a 'long enough'.
Lavi seemed to know this. Damaged hearts always seem to find some understanding in each other. So, he casually kept his distance. And though they grew fond of each other, something vital remained missing for them for several weeks.
One night, Allen lay awake. It had been one of those days when he was remembering too much and his mind was too full and his heart was too broken that before long in the darkness and quiet of his room, he was once again sobbing quietly to himself.
Though Kanda especially had been good to him in the aftermath of Mana's loss, he was not known for his displays of emotional affection, and more often than not Allen wouldn't bother anyone with the burden of his nightmares or tears. That had always been Mana's job before, to listen and hold and soothe... but Mana was gone. And the past that was would never be the same again.
He was gone and he wasn't coming back.
It was over.
But, that night, Allen finally realized that inside all the pain wrapped around those memories... he didn't want this to be the end.
It wasn't the first time Lavi had listened to Allen cry himself to sleep, but it was the first time he heard Allen get up in the middle of it and hit the floor on his hands and knees.
"Lavi..." Allen had croaked, unlatching the kennel door and reaching in to place his hand on Lavi's head. "I want to tell you something, okay?"
Lavi waited, quietly, with that one bright amber eye of his locked on Allen's own silver ones. Attentive, unflinching, and calm.
"I want to make a promise... I want to tell you that no matter what happens to you or to me, I promise I won't give up on you. I won't take you back to the humane society, I won't give you up to anyone else. You can live out the rest of your life with me, if that's what you want... okay? ... Will you Lavi...?"
Allen choked, and Lavi listened. "Will you... stay with me...?"
Lavi didn't move for a while, and Allen simply knelt in front of his kennel, feeling like the most wretched creature alive to be entreating a dog for friendship; scratching the back of Lavi's ear with his head bowed forward, attempting to stop weeping...
But then, Lavi had done something Allen didn't expect. Having waited a seemingly appropriate amount of time, Lavi leaned forward – away from Allen's hand but toward his face, sniffed him for a moment or two, and then the long pink tongue came out... planting a tender little kiss on the tip of Allen's nose.
And for the first time since Mana's death... since the last time Allen could remember snuggling into his father's arms and feeling Mana's lips on his forehead... he felt accepted. Taken just as he was, broken and whole, imperfect and real, and he fought past the pain encased around his heart to find something that had been missing since the day his life ended and began anew; the willingness to try again.
Allen sank to his side, partially inside the kennel and partially outside it, and gathered Lavi close in what felt like his first real embrace in months.
"... I love you buddy..."
Lavi whimpered, squirmed a little inside his arms, and then let his head fall to rest on Allen's shoulder with a sigh. Allen cried into the fur of his neck for a time he didn't count, cried until the tears were gone and his heart was full.
It was the night when Lavi stopped being just his shadow, just his conversation piece, just his project to work on.
That night, Lavi became his friend.
OoOoOoOoO
He was amazed his heart let him feel like this. Old feelings fade so slowly.
The anxiety, fear, darkness, and despair that had been his lonely companions as Mana's loss sunk in had recently found themselves falling away from the tapestry of his life, cured bit by bit under the touch of his closest friends and especially since Lavi had come to him. But though he noticed them less and less, it didn't make them any less real in pivotal moments of clarity. Death is a teacher whose lessons are never forgotten, and those emotions would smash into him with a vengeance even after so long.
He stroked the longer hair on Lavi's ear, swallowing hard as he remembered. Last night had been a sudden and painful reminder of the gravity of his greatest fears, his darkest night terrors. One of those moments that make you realize with such intimate violence how easy it would be for everything to come crashing down.
He had been driving away from Kanda's house after dropping him off for the night, Lavi curled up in the seat next to him like so many times before. It was dark, close to midnight, but that hardly mattered. Allen loved to drive at night and the roads between Kanda's home and his own were regularly travelled. Upon reaching the main street, Allen had flicked his blinker on and waited for a minivan in front of him to pull out into the turn lane. Expecting the minivan to merge right in, he looked right, then left, then right again, and seeing the traffic was clear had pulled out into the turning lane as well.
Only to realize with a stomach-dropping lurch that the minivan, in spite of having an open lane, had not merged over or accelerated forward to give him any room.
He had slammed so hard on the brakes that his car's AVS activated, nearly smacking his face on the wheel and throwing Lavi into the dashboard with a screech. The car stopped inches from the minivan's bumper, the nose sticking out into the lane he had intended to merge into. With a gasp and breaths on the verge of hyperventilation, Allen watched the oblivious minivan pull into the empty lane and collapsed back, having very nearly lost his control.
But then, when he looked at the front passenger's seat, found that Lavi had not moved from where he had been thrown.
"Lavi?" he had murmured softly, reaching out at the same time with a shuddering hand and finding his boy's head, petting him softly to let him know it was okay and patting the seat in invitation. "Lavi, are you okay? C'mon love, hop back up. It's okay. It's okay... are you hurt?"
With trembling limbs, Lavi had inched his way off the floor and back into the seat. But, without the chance to curl back up, he found himself patted all over in search of any blood or broken bones and then wrapped up in Allen's arms.
Allen didn't care that he was not in the best position or place to be offering any level of comfort. He was in the middle of a busy road with oncoming traffic a very real risk. But he couldn't move. He felt frozen in place, stiff with devastation at what could have happened. He could only hold Lavi close and whisper apology after apology for making such a serious mistake and risking more than he could feasibly handle losing.
It was only a minute or two before Allen could find the strength to let go and get his head back in the game of driving. But even as he merged in between two cars and continued his interrupted drive, it had felt like much longer.
Grateful for the autumn darkness, his vision blurred that night as he drove. He could not believe what had almost happened. He didn't care if he were ever hurt in a car accident; he didn't care that much about his own life. What got to him was that the precious life by his side could have been... that could have... oh God, please, he couldn't do this again...
Lavi had nuzzled his arm in the middle of those thoughts and it made him want to cry harder. He gripped the wheel with his left hand and continued to muss Lavi's side with his right, until Lavi rolled a little, caught Allen's arm between his front legs, pressing Allen's hand against his chest, and trapped the appendage between the car's center console and his own weight. With a sigh, he lay his head against Allen's arm, and did not move until they were home.
Allen remembered little of that fifteen minute drive he made one-handed. What he remembered was the rhythm of Lavi's calm breathing... fingering the two paws he could touch without moving... feeling the way Lavi pulled in, against, around his arm as if he thought himself a physical force field against the horror of 'what might have been'... and when he pulled into his driveway and parked in the garage, again he let go of the wheel and again he embraced his friend... his friend who had felt his utter terror, seen his awful fear, and in the face of such was nothing but tenderly compassionate; Allen had kissed him and felt himself forgiven.
One moment more, just keep giving me one moment more... Allen sighed then, his heart scandalized with an unspeakable ache, but tugged Lavi closer for one last hug and tried to sigh the pain away.
"Think we should get up now?" He asked as Lavi rolled back over onto his belly and looked at him expectantly. "Huh?"
Lavi put his head back down. Don't wanna.
Allen chuckled softly. "Yeah, me neither."
An amber eye with no mate studied his expression, the eye he had grown to trust completely. Maybe last night had been a near disaster and he had no idea what the future would bring, but right in this moment, it was as perfect as anything he could ever hope for. Closing his eyes first, his lips stretched into a quiet smile. He could fall asleep like this. He could die like this, and be content.
Lavi sniffed at his face and licked his nose once, curious and loving. What more could he possibly need?
A few minutes later his phone binged, signaling he had a text. After reading the message, he stretched again with a resolute sigh and poked Lavi in the side. The moment was passing, and the new day was asking to be welcomed. "C'mon buddy, we need to get up. The others are going to be here soon."
Lavi snorted and rose slowly; taking his time working his way to the edge of the bed, where he lazily jumped to the floor. Allen followed, landing feet first and headed to the bathroom while his counterpart slunk under the bed to hide. No matter if it was bath day or not, Lavi refused to enter the bathroom – the one place he would not willingly follow Allen into.
Fifteen minutes later he was showered and dressed, towel drying his hair when he walked back into his room.
"Hey, porn star." He chuckled dismissively at Lavi, who was no longer hiding – quite the opposite, in fact – and stretched out on his back in the middle of the floor, doodleberries on display for the world to see. With his head upside down like that, his lips fell away to reveal white teeth, making him look psychotic. It made Allen laugh every time.
When he left his room to find something for breakfast, Lavi jumped up and followed. After being let outside for a minute to do his business, he sided up to the wall while Allen poured his cereal, and knowing better than to beg, ate his own food at the same time.
When Allen walked back down the hall to his room to gather up whatever else he would need for the day and to brush his teeth, Lavi didn't follow; enjoying the warm floor in the kitchen. He was accustomed to Allen's lazy mornings and knew sooner or later he would return.
The instant Allen picked up Lavi's collar, however, making the tags jingle, he started chuckling when he heard the immediate thrumpa-bumpa-bumpa-thump from down the hall and suddenly there was big, red, and deliriously happy at his feet. Lavi sat like he knew he was supposed to, but he was so excited he couldn't hold still; his tail swishing back and forth and his rear twitching in anticipation. The collar meant they were going out, and he whined eagerly. Knowing that was the best he was going to get, Allen slipped the collar around Lavi's neck and barely clicked it on before Lavi was shaking it into place and prancing down the hall.
"Hang tight, Lavi." Allen called after him with an affectionate roll of his eyes, looping a leash around his neck and pocketing his wallet. "We can't leave until the others get here, remember?"
Clicking toenails on the linoleum in his kitchen was the only answer he got. Still grinning, he chose a pair of socks and grabbed his shoes on his way out of his bedroom.
Allen was told once that every human year is equal to about seven dog years. Lavi was an estimated three years old when he was adopted, which would have made him about 21 by human-ish standards. Allen had to laugh when he figured that out. It made them roughly the same age. Or same maturity level. Or same shoe size. It all depended on who you were talking to.
"Ohhh, freaking out!" Allen sassed as he sat down on the couch, attempting to pull on a sock with Lavi in his face; wiggling and twisting and sniffing him like crazy. Allen tried to shove him away, but to no avail. "You make this so much more difficult than it needs to be, buddy."
Lavi sneezed in his face.
They were about to get into a full on wrestling match, Allen with half a sock on and all, when the doorbell rang.
"Finally. Come in!" Allen called out, set free when Lavi left him to investigate the newcomers, and sat back down to finish getting his shoes on.
"Lavi!" A sweet feminine voice greeted happily when the front door opened. "Allen, you around?"
"Over here. Come on in."
"Beansprout, you aren't ready yet?"
"Hi BaKanda. And no, blame the dog. He wouldn't get out of my face."
"Sounds like him. Lav-ooomph! Get off me, mutt!"
Both Allen and Lenalee started laughing.
Though Lavi loved Allen deeply and greatly enjoyed Lenalee's company, that didn't stop him from adoring Kanda for some unfathomable reason. Every time they all got together, Lavi would still jump up on Kanda playfully no matter how many times the Japanese man reprimanded and corrected him for it. It was partially Allen's fault, since Allen encouraged jumping up – when invited. But it was also partially Lavi's, who apparently thought it was funny to see Kanda get so worked up if his laughing dog grin was any indication.
While Kanda was distracted with Lavi, Lenalee walked over to the living room just as Allen tied his second shoe. She opened her shoulder bag and pulled out a piece of paper.
"Hey Allen. I have something for you."
"Uh oh." Allen winked at her playfully. "Should I be afraid?"
"Oh, very. You remember how I drew Komui as a dog a while back?" She asked, referring to her loving older brother.
"Of course I do." Allen grinned at the memory. "It fit him perfectly."
The raven-haired girl laughed appreciatively, still holding the paper out of reach. "I was inspired last night. I drew Lavi as a human for you."
Allen's eyes widened. "Did you really? I want to see!"
Lenalee surrendered her latest masterpiece with a warm smile, and when Allen saw it, he started laughing.
It was Lavi. With unruly red hair that stuck out in all directions over a black bandana, the face of a boy smirked up at him with devil-may-care pride. Roman nose, strong jaw, high cheekbones, looped piercings. His right eye was hidden beneath a black eyepatch, but the left was visible and sloped with his easy smile, twinkling with familiar affection, for all the world looking like a wealth of hidden secrets.
"This is exactly what he'd look like." Silver eyes roamed over the subtle detail and care Lenalee had put into her work, but then looked up at her with a knowing smile. "But I have to ask – did you draw him all sexy like that because it's how you think he'd really be, or to appease that inner fangirl of yours?"
The face of angelic innocence shook her head in feigned confusion. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."
"Oh, don't you now?" Still laughing, Allen looped an arm around her neck and gave her a squeeze. After the night he had had on top of the years that preceded it, he really did have some of the most amazing friends. With a breath of release, his smile became less teasing and more genuine. "Thank you Lena – this really cheered me up."
She hugged him back, asking no questions and not needing to. "I'm glad. You're very welcome."
"If you two are quite finished," Kanda grumped at them irritably, shoving Lavi off him yet again, "-can we leave now?"
Allen looked back at Lenalee. "Did he see the picture?"
She nodded. "I showed him on the way here."
"Perfect." Allen walked over to his kitchen counter and laid the drawing down. "I'll frame it later, I promise."
Laughter was his approval. "All right, let's go!"
"While I'm still young, idiot!"
Lavi bumped into his leg, looking up at him with a fervent expression and a lulling tongue. Allen studied him warmly and reached down to muss his face for a moment.
"You know what buddy?" He said quietly, catching Lavi's attention such that he stilled. "I hope in some other life, I could know you as a human. You know how amazing you would be?"
Lavi grinned at him in his own way, with a face that said he knew exactly what Allen meant.
.
.
.
.
fin.
Thank you for reading. ^^