I know I said I wasn't going to do a fix it fic for this cos im not acknowledging season 3 but alex saying she made a mistake in the crossover made it impossible for me not to… so for the sake of canon and to settle the niggling part of my brain that wont stop thinking about this- ive made an attempt-my hearts not completely in this one but ive given it my best go.
Dislclaimer- the alex here is canon alex that ive tried my best to redeem- not the alex I know and love pre-season 3 - theyve pulled alexs entire character arc this season out of their ARSES and I will never not be angry about it
Anyway my personal headcanon is that they would both want children but to stay consistent with this infuriating canon-ive kept it the same as on the show
Its mostly from alexs point of view—firstly because trying to write maggies pov made me too sad and secondly because I think it was important to go through alexs whole reasoning and realisation and growth etc
Also im going by real time cos the shows timeline is so confusing-so im assuming asround a year has gone by since they started dating
Canon up to crossover eps.
I hope you enjoy it…
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It had been a week since Alex and Kara had come back from Earth-One. Alex had thrown herself back into work like usual- it was early mornings and late nights, just constantly working- anything that kept her out of the emptiness of her apartment.
She would have forgotten it's her birthday if Kara hadn't surprised her with her favourite cupcakes for breakfast. Alex had no interest in celebrating her birthday and she had told Kara as much and Kara had understood but she insisted on not letting her spend her birthday alone. So Kara had come around to Alex's apartment after work with junk food and a movie and that's what they were doing now- watching movie and eating junk food. Well- Kara was eating and watching the movie. Alex's mind was elsewhere- just as it constantly was these days.
She was thinking about Maggie, wondering what she was doing right now and whether she was thinking of her. Whether she was thinking about last year like she was.
Last year on her birthday, they had only just started dating. Alex wasn't really a fan of making a big deal out of her birthday so Maggie hadn't found out it was her birthday until the day after when she had come round for dinner and seen Kara's gift in Alex's apartment. And after they had eaten, Maggie had insisted on taking Alex on a ride to a small dessert place downtown that Maggie loved.
And Alex still remembered every part of that night- the butterflies in her stomach and their playful flirting and Maggie's unending tenderness and the soft kisses and the feeling of falling more and more in love with Maggie.
But this year she was sitting in her apartment with Kara, drink in hand, pretending to watch a movie- longing for Maggie like a part of her soul was missing.
She had been trying to shut down the hope of hearing from Maggie today. Just because it was her birthday didn't mean Maggie was going to get in touch with her after weeks. But Alex couldn't help but selfishly hope.
Because it wasn't like there were suddenly nothing to each other anymore. It wasn't like they hadn't seen each other at all since their break up. They had seen each other at work once and at the bar too- and had spoken. It was polite, painfully so- forced smiles and aching hearts. They had asked how each other was. Both had lied and known it. Alex had asked Maggie to join them at their table and Maggie had forced herself at least to say hi to the others but made up an excuse about needing to be somewhere even though her and Alex both knew she didn't. Maggie couldn't stand seeing everyone's sad, pitying expressions- it hurt too much. And Alex had let her go, feeling too guilty to do otherwise. Maggie's whole body was saying she wanted to get out of there. And the rest of them didn't say anything, knowing that Alex wasn't up to talking about it.
But that's how it was and things weren't getting any easier.
Alex was broken out of her thoughts by the buzz of her phone and she went to check it and stilled upon seeing it was from Maggie.
And it was just two simple words but Alex still felt a sharp ache in her heart upon reading them.
Happy birthday
She closed her eyes- squeezed them shut as if not looking at the words would stop the pain she was feeling.
Because she knew how hard that must have been for Maggie. She knew how different Maggie must have imagined today would be. Alex had no doubt that Maggie would have planned something to surprise her and the thought made her hurt even more and she couldn't even let herself imagine how Maggie must have been feeling.
Kara sensed the spike in Alex's heart rate and immediately turned around, her concern growing at the look on Alex's face. Unable to get her words out, Alex just showed Kara the text and Kara's eyes softened in sympathy and she leaned into Alex, pulling her into a hug.
A hundred thoughts went through Alex's mind about what it meant that Maggie sent it. But she pushed those thoughts away. She knew Maggie did it somehow knowing that Alex needed to hear from her. Because as painful as the message was, it would have been even more painful not hearing from her at all. Maggie was still taking care of her. And God, Alex loved her so much she could feel her heart constrict with the force of the feeling.
"I miss her," Alex breathed into Kara's neck and Kara squeezed her tighter.
"I know," Kara tried to console gently but Alex shook her head because Kara wasn't understanding what she was trying to say.
"I miss her," she repeated stronger, as if it was the only truth she knew and Kara pulled back at the words, looking at Alex seriously, trying to read her expression and Alex let everything show.
"I miss her so much," she got out and Kara could hear the pain in her voice.
Kara held Alex gently at her shoulder and Alex took a few shaky breaths to allow her words to come out.
"When I chose kids over Maggie I had no idea that it would be like this- that I would feel like this- I knew it would be hard- but this-" She let out a pained breath. "I had no idea what it would be like without Maggie- I was just terrified of the prospect of never being a mom." Her eyebrows furrowed in pain as she said that. "That's something that had been a constant my entire life and the thought of giving that up was just so damn scary that I panicked- I panicked and I let her go even though I still love her- I let her go because I was hurting her, it was too painful for both of us me not being sure- so I made that choice- I made that choice because I couldn't keep lying to her when I didn't know- but now- now I know- I know how I feel- I know what life is like without Maggie," she took in a shaky breath at the force of her feelings. "And I- just- Kara I-" Her face screwed up and she stuttered around her words and she was speaking so fast and saying so much that Kara had to get her to stop and calm down.
"Alex," she said, pulling Alex's arms down into her lap. "What are you saying?"
Her bottom lip trembled as she tried to get herself to say it out loud. "I made a mistake," she said, her voice breaking on the last word. And Kara's heart ached at the pain in Alex's eyes.
There was no uncertainty in her voice. No- what if I made a mistake. Simply- I made a mistake. And it took Kara aback.
"Are you saying you could give up the idea of being a mom?" Kara didn't want to aggravate the pain- she just wanted to know that Alex was sure- that she knew what she was doing.
And Alex looked to the ceiling to keep her tears in. It was such a simple question- too simple to encapsulate the entirety of Alex's feelings- but she finally had an answer to it that she was sure of even though it still hurt so much.
"I'm saying I choose Maggie. I choose Maggie." She looked back down at Kara and her face screwed up in guilt and tears filled her eyes again as she shook her head in anguish because she felt so horrible that she had done all of this to come to this realisation. "What did I do?" she sobbed and Kara move to comfort her immediately.
She took Alex back into a hug, holding her tight. "It's not your fault," she soothed, hushing her as more sobs came through. "This was a difficult situation and you were only trying to do what you felt was right. You're allowed to make mistakes- you're allowed."
And Alex took in Kara's every word because even if Kara was just trying to make her feel better, Alex needed to hear this if she was going to have any chance of doing something about her mistake.
Alex exhaled shakily into Kara's shoulder. She didn't know what was going to happen now or how she was going to get Maggie back.
But she was going to give it her all trying.
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Alex spent the next two days figuring out what she was going to say to Maggie. She had called her mom and had a long conversation with her just to soothe her fears and remind her of her strength. And her mom had reassured her and told her what she already knew- that she just had to be honest with Maggie and that's exactly what Alex was going to do. And she prayed that it worked.
Alex found the address to where Maggie was staying, and she went there two nights later. It was late, but not too late in the evening when Alex finally knocked on Maggie's door.
It took Maggie a moment to open the door but when she finally did, Alex paused at the sight in front of her. Maggie was in her sleep clothes- the same oversized sweater and pajamas that Alex had seen her in so many time before. It had been more than two weeks since they had last seen each other and Maggie's hair was a little shorter- she looked different but the same- so soft and small and tired and beautiful that Alex's heart stopped for a second.
"Alex," Maggie breathed, obviously surprised at this visit. And Alex finally looked into Maggie's eyes and God, she had missed those eyes so much. The ones that were filled with confusion and apprehension and something else.
"Maggie…"
"Is everything okay?" Maggie's eyes filled with worry. And Alex knew it was because she looked scared. She nodded, wanting to rid Maggie of that expression.
"Can I come in?"
And Maggie looked at her for a moment, considering the request and Alex's heart was thudding in her chest. Maggie sighed and stepped back, giving Alex permission. And Alex came in- tentative and nervous.
It was a really cold night and she had just worn a jacket so the first thing she noticed was the warmth of Maggie's apartment and she was grateful for it.
Alex glanced around the apartment and saw a bunch of papers on the coffee table- Maggie must have been doing some work- and the thought made Alex's heart dip- she could tell just by looking at Maggie that she was exhausted.
"H-how are you?" Alex asked quietly and Maggie looked down. It was painful enough just seeing Alex without this charade of politeness as if they were both almost strangers. She didn't have the patience for this right now.
She sighed. "Why are you here Alex?" And it wasn't vicious- it was guarded, defensive.
And Alex understood that- had expected it. Maggie was standing right in front of her, arms crossed like a shield and Alex couldn't just reach out to her and take her into her arms like she longed to.
She knew they no longer stood on the same intimate terms as before but the reminder of it was too painful.
"I had to see you- to talk to you."
"About what?"
"Us," Alex breathed out.
And Maggie shifted, uncrossing her arms and crossing them again. She didn't know if she could handle this right now.
"What about us?"
Maggie was still guarded and it was making Alex even more nervous. She needed Maggie's understanding and patience now more than she ever had.
"I miss you." It just came out like a breath, as honest as she had ever been and Maggie's eyes closed for a second, unable to believe that this was really happening.
Alex looked utterly sober and certain and that was even more terrifying.
"Alex…" Maggie exhaled, looking down and Alex stepped forward in desperation. She needed Maggie to hear her out.
"Just…please let me explain myself," Alex pleaded and Maggie stayed quiet. Alex was standing there in front of her, looking desperate and nervous and Maggie couldn't refuse her. And she knew she couldn't stop Alex now.
Alex let out a heavy nervous exhale, looking to the ceiling to keep her tears at bay. "You asked me if we were worth giving up…" she looked at Maggie with all her emotions bare. "And I know the answer now Maggie- it's no."
Maggie's heart was pounding in her chest- she had spent so long hoping that Alex would do this-knock on her door and say exactly those words to her. But now it had been nearly two months- and what felt like years without Alex- and Maggie's heart couldn't take this.
Alex could see all these things on Maggie's face but she knew she had to finish what she had planned to say.
"These past few weeks I've done a lot of thinking- a lot of realising about myself and what I really want." And Maggie's eyes strayed from her to the floor as Alex spoke- it was too much looking at her.
"You know I want kids- I've… always wanted kids," Alex continued, and she saw the pain in Maggie's eyes even though she tried so hard to hide it but Alex persisted. "That's always been a constant in my life…and when you came into my life… you merged into that image as well- so quickly—and I never thought I would have to choose—but when I did," she breathed in shakily. "When I did- I made this choice- I made it without realising what it would mean to lose you-I was just so terrified of giving up the only thing in my life I had always been sure of."
Maggie was reeling, her hands were shaking and she knew she had to keep this conversation from spinning out of control.
"It's too late to say these things now Alex." It was too messy- they still wanted different things. "You can't just take back your decision- it doesn't work like that."
And Alex's heart was beating so hard in her chest. She shook her head in desperation. "That's not what I'm doing-that isn't it." Alex stood by her decision. "I'm not taking back my decision because then we would still be in the same place we started- and I would still be confused and you would be hurting- and I wouldn't have realised what it meant to be without you." She looked at Maggie, pleading. "I'm not taking it back—I'm learning from it—I've realised things from making this decision that I couldn't have without- and I'm sorry—I'm so sorry it had to happen like this."
And it hurt Maggie seeing Alex apologise like this because she could see how much Alex meant it. She knew that Alex hated what happened- what had to happen for her to realise. But that didn't mean that Alex's feeling were good for them and it didn't make the situation any easier. Maggie was only just beginning to accept the fact that maybe they were better off like this. And Alex had to as well.
"We still want different things…" Maggie countered with as much conviction as she could. "That hasn't changed- and it isn't just something small we can get past," Maggie managed to make her words sound strong even though inside she was shaking. Kids was too big of a thing to compromise on. She didn't know if they could ever get past this- if they even should.
"I know It's not small," Alex cried. Her emotions were getting the better of her because Maggie's words were terrifying her. "I know exactly what this means—I know we want different things when it comes to this…-" She looked at Maggie's guarded expression, simmering with fear and vulnerability and she forced herself to turn softer. "These past few weeks that's all I've thought about…" She looked at Maggie, desperate. "But it always just comes down to you. I've tried to consider the possibility of finding someone else-" Alex was crying now. "I've tried but there's no point- I could find someone who wants children but- that person isn't going to be you." She exhaled shakily. "And I need you."
Maggie let out an exhale, a tear falling down her cheek. This was everything she wanted to hear but it was too late. This wasn't good for either of them. She had spent all this time trying to figure out how she was going to live her life without Alex—making herself believe that this was for the better- and she had started to believe it. She couldn't just change her mind in an instant.
"You feel like that right now but that's gonna take time Alex—that feeling will fade— but wanting wont. You deserve someone who can give you that and I deserve someone who wants the same thing." Her heart was aching as she got the words out.
Alex was desperate, emotional. She shook her head in painful frustration. "I know wanting kids isn't just gonna go away-but neither is wanting you. I've tried so damn hard to stop wanting you but every day without you, the pain just gets worse- and that—" She breathed in shakily. "Maggie—that's my heart telling me something…"
Maggie let out a shaky breath. Alex words were terrifying in their clarity. Maggie was so scared of risking her heart again.
"That- this isn't going to work- we need someone who wants the same things." She was trying her hardest to convince herself of her own words because she was terrified of the prospect of choosing Alex again.
"I know what I need," Alex implored, desperate. "I know now. And if I thought your heart would be better off with somebody else I would let you go. You know I would never keep you from what was best for you- but I love you and I'm going to spend my life trying to give you that- I promise you that."
But Maggie still looked hesitant to accept her words so Alex continued in desperation, pleading with Maggie to accept it. "I don't want someone who can give me kids if it's not you." And Maggie looked at her, her eyes filled with pain and Alex stepped closer to her. "I know what I'm giving up. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't- I know."
And Maggie's heart squeezed in pain. "I don't want you to give that up for me," she exhaled her fears, tears gathering in her eyes. Everything was so hard, she didn't want it to be like this. She just wished they could want the same things.
And Alex's heart ached at Maggie's words. She was terrified that Maggie was going to not take her back because she didn't want to be the reason Alex had to give up the prospect of having kids. But Alex had already given up Maggie and realised she had made a mistake- how was she supposed to get Maggie to accept that.
"Maggie…please don't say no because of this…please. I'm choosing this. I'm not going to pretend that I don't still want kids…but I'm also not going to pretend that we can give each other every damn thing we want…that's not possible. But there's some things that I need to be happy- and that's you Maggie- you—nobody else is going to be able to give me that- not kids, not anything- I know that now."
Alex was stressing every other word, her eyebrows scrunched and eyes wide and Maggie's heart was pounding seeing Alex like this- fighting, passionate- because Alex was breath-taking like this. Alex was saying all the right things and Maggie was losing her resolve to fight it.
She looked down and exhaled, not knowing how to counter Alex's words.
"I've spent all this time trying to get over you," she breathed out, helpless- and just those words had Alex's heart pounding and she stepped closer to Maggie.
"And have you?" Alex's voice broke and a sob escaped her at the possibility of Maggie being over her.
Maggie looked away, unable to stand the pain of the conversation and the look in Alex's eyes.
And Alex took Maggie by the wrist to stop her from turning away. And it's the first contact they had had since that night and both their skin burned where they were touching. Maggie looked down at Alex's hand on her and Alex loosened her hold, lowering her head to get Maggie to look at her.
"I love you," she whispered, stepping closer to Maggie. She was so close to Maggie- close enough to feel her heat against her- to see the fear in her deep brown eyes. And Alex yearned to see them look lovingly up at her again. "Please tell me you still love me," she begged and Maggie's eyebrows scrunched in pain.
Her lips parted to try and say something but nothing came out and Alex felt a stab in her heart- she felt so selfish. She stuttered, quickly taking it back, wanting to rid Maggie's eyes of the pain she saw in them. "I'm sorry, you don't have to say it- I just-" She sighed in frustration- her words were coming out all wrong- not in the way she wanted them to. So she gave up on her words and just did what she knew best- what Maggie was able to understand better than any words.
She moved even closer into Maggie so that there were inches from each others lips and Maggie stood still, holding her breath- but she didn't move away and Alex took that as permission. She took Maggie's face into her hands, foreheads pressed to hers, her eyes closed- and it was clear what she was asking for. "Please…" she begged still. She wasn't too proud to beg- not with this, not with Maggie.
And Maggie trembled and gripped Alex's jacket in her hand, scrunching it up, and she exhaled a desperate sound and Alex couldn't stop herself. She swallowed the sound in her mouth, kissing Maggie with all she had, as if she was trying to fuse into her very breath. And Maggie- Maggie who had thought she would never get to feel these lips on hers again- have Alex kiss her in that way that felt like her life depended on it—Maggie couldn't resist. She fell into the kiss, desperate.
And it was bruising and breathless. Maggie let Alex push her back until they fell on the couch, Alex on top of her. And it was fast and frantic and full of desperate longing. They didn't even manage to get out of their clothes. Alex just touched Maggie under her waistband, kissing her so desperately that Maggie could think of nothing else but her want. But once Maggie had come down from her high and they had slowed down, Maggie's walls had come back up. She stilled against Alex, breathing heavily, her heart swarming with all these feelings. It was too soon for her to touch Alex back like that. She wasn't ready yet to let herself be vulnerable enough to touch Alex back.
And Alex understood all of that without Maggie having to say it and she just held Maggie tight against her, savouring the feeling of having Maggie in her arms again.
Alex didn't stay the night and Maggie didn't give her an answer that night. She told Alex that she needed time to think- without Alex in front of her. And Maggie did think. She believed everything Alex had told her. She knew Alex still loved her and was willing to do everything she could to make this work. But Maggie was still scared. She had these opposing needs inside of her of wanting to just fall into Alex's arms, and wanting to protect her fragile heart.
But she knew in her heart that she couldn't fight this- not with Alex making it so clear to her. She knew it was pointless to try to keep them apart.
There was not point in delaying the inevitable- she wasn't trying to punish Alex for what had happened. Maggie understood Alex too well- loved her too much to do something like that.
She knew they were meant to come back to each other. But she also knew it would take time.
But she knew she couldn't fight it- and she didn't want to.
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Maggie asked Alex to meet her at the bar the next day. And Alex was waiting there way before Maggie arrived, unable to just sit around at home, fearing what Maggie would say.
When she finally saw Maggie come in she stood up, trying to read as much as possible from Maggie's body. On the outside, Maggie looked composed but when Alex looked into Maggie's eyes, her heart started beating in hope because Maggie looked vulnerable and scared- not resigned and pained as Alex had feared she might.
And when Maggie finally looked at her and saw the look in Alex's eyes, she gave a small nervous smile and Alex's heart fluttered, thudding hard against her chest.
They sat at one of the tables and Alex had already got Maggie her drink, which Maggie was fiddling with while trying to figure out how to start what she wanted to say.
And Alex reached for her hand, taking it in hers, trying to soothe both their nerves and Maggie looked up at her.
She opened and closed her mouth, trying to get out the words she had planned to say. She looked up at Alex. "Part of me is telling me to run as far away as I can and not risk it," Maggie said, looking down at the look in Alex's eyes. And Alex squeezed her hand, waiting for the next words she so desperately wanted to hear and Maggie looked back up at her again. "But everything you said yesterday…" She left the sentence hanging, the words not coming out but Alex heard them all.
She leaned closer. "I meant it Maggie- I meant everything- I've never meant anything more."
And Maggie looked up at Alex, hopeful and scared and Alex interlaced their fingers and squeezed, her emotions getting the better of her. "This-this is what I want—what I need… just- just like the first time—it took me time to accept it because of what I thought it would mean- but I did- and both times it meant I got to have you-and that's the most important thing. I will accept anything if it means I have you."
And Maggie nodded- she believed her. She let the words wash over her, reassuring her of her decision. But she needed to go slow.
"I'm gonna need time Alex—we need to take things slow. I can't just move back in and act like nothing's changed." She still needed some time before she moved back into that apartment again- she still needed time before they shared the same space.
And Alex knew that- it hurt but she hadn't expected Maggie to just fall back into her arms and for things to go back to how they were before. She knew things had changed and she was going to go at whatever pace Maggie needed.
"Whatever you need," she whispered strongly in promise.
xxxxxxx
Things were tentative again after that. Alex didn't want to seem like she was going too fast. It almost felt like the beginning again- with the nerves and tentativeness- but it was completely different.
The next day Alex asked Maggie if she wanted to spend their lunch break together and Maggie had said yes.
So Alex came to visit Alex and they went on a walk to get something from the food truck like they sometimes used to. It was tentative and a little awkward- there was a distance between them still even though they were both trying again.
It was the first time they were really seeing each other with them both on the same page— without any speeches of persuasion- just the slow progression between them, moving forward together- and Alex was nervous.
And the awkward carefulness of Alex's whole demeanour had Maggie yearning to comfort her. Alex had come at her all guns blazing but now that Maggie was in front of her and willing to work through this, Alex had shifted into carefulness and it made Maggie's heart beat just that little bit harder.
It was a really cold day and there were a lot of people out, going about their Christmas shopping and Alex and Maggie both watched them quietly.
It was just a couple minutes into their walk when it started snowing softly. And they both looked up to the sky to watch it fall down. Alex turned to look at Maggie who was smiling softly, her dimples coming through and Alex's heart fluttered- she hadn't seen that smile in so long.
Maggie caught Alex looking at her and her expression softened, shy.
At that moment, a big snowflake fell on Maggie's cheek and she blinked and laughed a little- and Alex's heart fluttered at the unexpected soft laugh- the deep dimples and crinkly eyes. Alex was reaching out to wipe it without thinking and Maggie looked at her. Alex's eyes met hers softly and she slowed and kept her hand there for a moment, caressing Maggie's cheek softly. And Maggie's eyes fluttered at the touch and tender look from Alex and Alex gulped- Maggie was so achingly beautiful.
The sound of kids running past them broke them out of the moment and Maggie let out a nervous exhale. Alex let go and they looked at each other a moment, shy and hearts beating. They continued walking side by side, looking up at the falling snow and their arms brushed together lightly- their hands touching- coming together naturally like they used to. And Maggie reached for Alex's hand, softly caressing the back of it and Alex took it in hers, her heart fluttering in her chest. This was the first gesture of affection that Maggie had initiated, and Alex's stomach was fluttering with butterflies and she felt a lump in her throat.
She turned to Maggie who was still looking up at the sky with a soft smile and for Alex it felt like she was falling in love even deeper somehow and she couldn't believe it.
They decided to go into the small coffee shop instead where it was warmer. There wasn't much longer left of their break and Alex wanted to ask Maggie if she wanted to have dinner together.
They sat down opposite each other and Alex looked up at Maggie.
"If you're free tonight-" she started tentatively. "Or any of these nights…I was wondering if you wanted to come around for dinner?" And Maggie looked up at her and Alex's heart beat in her chest. "Nothing fancy, we can just get take out, or whatever you'd like—or go out somewhere?" But Alex didn't want to go out, she just wanted it to be them two.
Maggie looked down, she wasn't ready to be in that apartment just yet. But she wanted to spend time with Alex and she didn't want this to be harder than it had to. She was trying to make this as easy as possible-she was trying so hard to make this work
She looked back up to Alex softly. "You could come to mine,"' Maggie suggested, and Alex nodded, her heart beating faster, eyes hopeful. As long as they were together, Alex didn't care where they were.
"Is tomorrow night okay?" Maggie offered and Alex's face formed into a bright hopeful smile and Maggie couldn't control how her heart still reacted at the sight.
"That's perfect," Alex breathed, her expression turning softer.
And they sat together quietly, eating their lunch. They didn't t talk much, which was fine because they didn't need to. They were just getting used to being around each other again.
And when they parted, Maggie gave Alex a small smile, the tiniest part of her dimple showing. Maggie just squeezed her hand softly—no kiss or even a hug- but Alex's heart still fluttered because they were moving forward. However slow it was- they were going in the right direction and she couldn't be happier.
She thought about Maggie's smile all the way back to work.
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The next day, Alex's entire day went by in a bit of a blur- she couldn't think of anything else but seeing Maggie. It was the first time they were going to be alone together since Alex had come to her apartment that night and Alex was a mess of nerves and cautious excitement.
She was agonising over what to wear and how to behave. She settled for something simple- she didn't want to make this out be a big deal. She just wanted it to be casual—as easy as it could be given the situation. And she wanted to look nice for Maggie.
That evening, Alex arrived exactly on time with their food and Maggie opened the door with a soft smile. Alex could tell she was nervous too- that she didn't know exactly how to act either and it eased Alex's nerves a little.
They settled down to eat on the couch, the tv on- an old movie playing in the background which they weren't watching.
Alex took in the feeling of being around Maggie again. The familiarity of just all the small things- like how Maggie sat on the couch, how she pushed her hair behind her ears when it fell over her face, how quiet she was when she had a lot on her mind- and it tugged at Alex's heart.
Alex looked around the apartment. It was nice but it didn't suit Maggie- the feel of it was off. And it was difficult for Alex to feel comfortable in this space because everything was just a reminder of the distance between them. But Alex could tell that Maggie was trying her best to make things as easy as they could be, even though she still looked guarded. Maggie was still being infinitely patient with her like she always had been and Alex knew she had to do the same.
"It's a nice apartment," Alex said softly and Maggie looked up at her at the words. She shrugged a little, brushing off the praise.
"It's a friends place I'm just renting until I… find somewhere more permanent," she said, her words coming out slower as she realised how it sounded. They were both quiet and a sudden sadness came over them again at the reminder of how things were.
Alex wanted to tell Maggie that she wanted her to come back right now but she knew she couldn't do that. It wasn't the right time. And Alex hated the feeling of the distance between them.
She moved closer on instinct- she had to be closer to Maggie. And Maggie could see all the anguish and unsaid things in her expression.
Maggie tore her gaze away from Alex's and moved to reach for Alex's glass, trying to break the sudden tension. "Do you want another drink?" she asked. But Alex just shook her head and Maggie sat back down at the intensity of the look in Alex's eyes, her heart thudding in her chest.
Alex looked at Maggie and she could see how painful it was for her- for both of them to feel tense like this in front of each other- but Alex accepted it was going to take time and healing. All Alex knew right now was that Maggie was in front of her and that she wanted to make her feel loved.
Alex moved closer into Maggie and Maggie remained still but her gaze flitted to Alex's lips and Alex's heart beat harder in her chest. She lowered her head until their noses were grazing- they hadn't kissed properly since the night that Alex had come to Maggie's apartment and Alex yearned for it. Alex saw Maggie gulp and her eyelids flutter and Alex was reeling at Maggie's beauty- at having those expressive eyes this close to her again.
"I want…" she exhaled, trembling and Maggie closed her eyes at the need in Alex's voice- it was clear what she wanted.
Alex was scared to say it because she was scared that Maggie still wasn't ready to be with her like that yet.
Alex wanted things to be easy, she wanted to touch Maggie with the same understanding and trust and ease they had before, she wanted to see Maggie's warm gaze shining up at her like it used to- she wanted to show Maggie how much she loved her.
Maggie's eyes opened and they were pained but she was looking at Alex in that utterly open way she always did, wanting- and Alex was so in love with her. "I just want to made love to you," she exhaled, almost helpless and Maggie's entire body filled with heat at the words. She was still so surprised that Alex could be this damn vulnerable and Maggie couldn't fight her need. All of her pent up emotions came out and she closed the distance between their lips, taking Alex in a bruising kiss.
And Alex's whole body was trembling at having Maggie kiss her like that again. She pulled Maggie's body closer against her, wanting to feel all of her and Maggie gasped into Alex's mouth.
Maggie pulled apart and took Alex's hand, her eyes burning with need and a million other things and she led them to the bedroom.
And when they made love- Alex's eyes filled with tears as she watched Maggie fall apart under her.
"I love you," she breathed like a mantra into Maggie's body. "I only want you," she rasped and Maggie couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks at how those words made her feel.
And she made love to Alex too. And the way that she looked at Alex- the way her gaze roamed Alex's entire body as she undressed her- full of desire and unending love- Alex had never felt more right. She sighed- she only wanted Maggie looking at her and touching her and knowing her like that. And there were so many emotions going through her body that she found it hard to let go. She was too tense and Maggie sensed it and pulled Alex closer to her. She brought her head down to Alex's and looked her right in the eye and they both had tears in their eyes. "I love you," Maggie panted against Alex's lips before taking them in a deep kiss and Alex felt the relief and pure love flood through her body and she fell over the edge with a cry as Maggie held her tight.
"I love you," Maggie whispered again, her voice breaking, and Alex let out a sob and her heart squeezed at the words, at Maggie's vulnerability. She clung to Maggie and held her against her as tight as possible, whispering back her love.
xxxxxx
The next morning Alex woke up and was confused for a second until she saw that it was Maggie's arm around her and that she was in Maggie's bed. Her body relaxed and her expression settled into utter tenderness at the sight of Maggie sleeping beside her and her heart fluttered at the memory of last night. Last night had been intense. Their love-making had been intense in a way it had never been before.
She shifted gently a little closer to get a better look at Maggie's face and her heart constricted at the peaceful look on Maggie's face. The covers had fallen a little off Maggie and it was cold so Alex brought them back up to cover Maggie's bare body. And she settled beside her and just looked at her, tears filling her eyes as she did so. Her Maggie.
After a while Maggie moved a little and Alex couldn't help but reach out to push Maggie's hair behind her ear that came over her eyes and Maggie stirred at the touch. Her eyes fluttered open slowly and Alex's heart started beating faster. It was the first time they had woken up together in what felt like an eternity.
Maggie's eyes blinked a little as they got used to the light, her eyebrows scrunched cutely and when she saw Alex gazing at her, her eyes softened in that way they only did with Alex. It was as if she couldn't quite believe that Alex was there and Alex just wanted to hold her in her arms and never let her go.
Maggie shifted a little and cleared her throat- usually she would make a teasing remark about Alex watching her sleep but she didn't this time and Alex's heart ached in longing for the teasing lilt of Maggie's voice.
Maggie looked to the clock and she frowned a little- it was only 5am.
"How long have you been awake?" she mumbled softly and Alex's heart fluttered at Maggie's sleepy voice.
"Just a little while," she whispered- but it had probably been almost an hour that Alex had just been lying there looking at Maggie. "Just thinking…" Alex added and Maggie's eyes softened.
Alex looked at Maggie and Maggie just gazed back at her with that endless patience, waiting for her words.
"Last night was…' Alex paused to take a breath, her heart beating at the reminder. And Maggie exhaled too, remembering it. "It felt like coming home," Alex whispered, and Maggie's heart fluttered at the words- words she had longed to hear for so long. It had felt like that for her too.
Their bare bodies were holding each other under the sheets, their legs tangled together and Alex had never felt more at home.
"My home is with you- here." She put her hand over Maggie's heart and she felt the strong thudding of it against her palm and tears fell down Alex's cheek. And Maggie felt her heart squeeze at Alex's tears and she brought her hand up to her cheek, gently wiping them away.
Alex sighed at the look Maggie was giving her. This is what she wanted- tender eyes and quiet strength and soft dimples and love like she had never known and could never know with anybody else.
She gulped, readying herself to say what she had been thinking about.
"I was thinking," she started and Maggie looked up at her softly and Alex stuttered in nervousness. "It doesn't have to be now- I don't want you to think I'm going too fast or rushing this—but I was thinking that- when the time is right… we could find a new place together." She looked at Maggie to gauge her reaction but Maggie remained still, her eyebrows slightly furrowed and her eyes deep, just listening to Alex and Alex continued softer. "I just want to start new- find a place together- a place that's both of ours and make new memories… a new home…" she breathed out, nervous.
And Maggie felt something unfurl and blossom inside her heart. She was quiet as she took in the words- she didn't know what to say. Her eyes clouded with tears that she tried to blink away and Alex's heart squeezed at Maggie's reaction.
Alex softened even more. "Just to think about," she whispered gently. "You don't have to say anything just yet." She didn't want to overwhelm Maggie any more and Maggie just nodded softly around a gulp, pushing down her tears.
And they just stayed like that, quietly next to each other.
Alex tentatively took Maggie's left hand in hers and looked down at it. And Maggie watched her as she did so and her eyes turned sad because she knew what Alex was thinking about. They hadn't spoken about what they were yet—but Maggie wasn't bothered about labelling it just yet—she didn't want Alex to think too much about that. She squeezed Alex's hand in hers.
Alex looked up at the soft look in Maggie's eyes, and she knew that Maggie was trying to tell her to not overthink things- to be patient- that they would both get through this together- and Alex was so grateful for it. She brought Maggie's palm up to her lips and kissed it reverently and Maggie sighed as she felt Alex's lips against her sensitive skin. Maggie blinked away the tear in her eye and looked at Alex with all the vulnerability she had- and Alex swore that in that moment she was feeling something deeper than she had ever felt before.
She shifted closer and their bodies were pressed against each other and Alex placed a lingering kiss to the skin of Maggie's collar. She knew she was going to have to get up soon and she knew that Maggie was going to sleep in her own apartment tonight and Alex was going to sleep in hers and that they wouldn't wake up together in the morning and that things were going to be slow- so she wanted to stay in this moment for as long as she could.
And right at that moment Alex's phone rang and her heart slumped- now more than it ever had when she got called in this early. She answered it and Maggie just took in the familiar disruption as Alex spoke to J'onn.
Alex put the phone down at turned to Maggie reluctantly. "I have to get to work," she said and Maggie just nodded softly- understanding as always.
Maggie shifted to get up too but Alex stopped her. "No, you don't get up, it's still early- I'll just let myself out," she insisted and Maggie wanted to object but she didn't. Instead she settled back again. And Alex just looked at her because she didn't want to leave her- she didn't know when she was going to see her next. She let her fingers caress Maggie's hair that was spread out on the pillow, and Maggie looked up at her, waiting for her words, knowing she had something to say.
"Kara's doing game night at hers tomorrow and I wanted—" Alex stopped to look at Maggie gently. "Would you like to come?" Alex's eyebrows and voice raised a little in hope.
Maggie smiled softly at the offer and she just looked at Alex's hopeful expression for a moment. She was nervous about being in front of everyone again- with all her vulnerability on show. She knew it would be hard seeing the others again but she had missed them too and wanted to try. She had to try.
She nodded softly against the pillow. "I'll try to make it," she whispered and Alex's eyes crinkled and she tried to control her smile at the answer, she knew that was as close to a yes as she could get.
"They'll be really happy to hear that," Alex said and her heart squeezed as Maggie's eyes softened at the words.
Alex stayed there for a moment longer because she still didn't want to leave- she wished she could just stay there, looking at Maggie forever.
Maggie just gazed right back at her and Alex leaned down and held Maggie by her cheek, taking her lips in a gentle kiss. And Maggie melted into it, holding Alex at her elbow.
The kiss was longer and softer than Alex had intended, but once Maggie had sighed against her mouth, she couldn't help but kiss her again- slower and more tender- to put as much of her feelings into it as she could.
Alex only pulled apart when she had to, and she leaned her head against Maggie's. They both closed their eyes, just savouring the moment.
"I love you," Alex breathed and Maggie's sighed, her eyes squeezing tighter. She gulped and nodded against Alex, unable to get her words out.
When Alex finally left, they both had to take a few moments to still the rapid beating of their hearts.
They were really doing this. And they were going to make it work.
The waves of pain they had both been lost in were slowly beginning to ebb away and they were coming back to each other anew.
xxxxx
#sanversendgame 3