The One Where Monica Only Wants Chandler

Summary : That night in London Monica wasn't drunk and never had the idea of sleeping with Joey. Instead, she remembered all the beautiful things Chandler had said to her along the years and realizedhe was the one she was looking for. One shot.

I absolutely dislike the fact that Monica could have wanted Joey in London, and don't like either all the jokes "we were drunk" to justify Chandler and Monica's relationship (like in season 9, with the party on the roof).

So here's my version where's Monica really wants Chandler in London. Plus, I missed writing Mondler :)

A one shot told in Monica's point of view.

I'm in my hotel room, sitting on my bed, alone. Not that I had planned something different, I'm here to enjoy my brother's wedding, not to find Mr. Right. It's just that my mother reminded me that it's my brother's second wedding whereas I'm neither married, neither close to be. And according to her, I'll never be. My mother thinks I'll end up alone and actually I'm starting to think the same.

Maybe I'm too hard to please? Maybe I'm too high maintenance? There must be a reason, because there are a lot of guys on this earth, and apparently none of them wants to marry me!

"Who wouldn't want you?"

Out of nowhere, Chandler's words from this evening echo in my head. Hearing his voice, I shivered. Why, exactly? Because he was sincere, because his voice was so soft, because I remember how he gently stroked my shoulder saying that? Or because I wonder if he was including himself in the people who would want me?...

I shake my head to chase this thought away from my mind. No Monica, not even your best male friend wouldn't want you!

"Worst comes to worst, I could be your boyfriend."

What? Chandler, again? Oh yeah right, last year, when I was depressed. He probably just wanted to cheer me up though. Plus, he was speaking of "worst case", thank you very much. Now that I remember, he was pretty insistant... maybe because he was also desperate of ending up alone, or because of his lack of confidence. Anyway, he wasn't seriously thinking of a relationship with me.

Was he?

No, Monica, stop it, he doesn't think of you that way.

I wish he was, though...

Why? WHY am I thinking that?

Oh, yeah, probably because I desesperatly need someone to really want me as his girlfriend. Not because I'm interested in Chandler, no. No.

I shake my head as if I want to get rid of that crazy thought. Don't be silly, Monica. Chandler is my friend.

Plus, I left Richard because he didn't want anymore kids, and commitment phobic Chandler doesn't want that either, right?

"When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?"

Again, the shivers down my spine.

Was he serious? Is he still willing to do so? Do we have an implicite pact or has he forgotten?

And, again, why am I even thinking about that?

Do I want a baby with Chandler? A baby with Chandler? I'm going to laugh outloud alone in my room.

But I stop once I feel the butterflies in my stomach. What's going on? Could I picture myself in a relationship with Chandler? Kissing him? Suddenly I find myself wishing to know how it would feel.

Okay Monica, calm down, be pragmatic and be honest. Chase all the other thoughts. Focus.

Do I want to kiss Chandler? Yes.

Oh my God.

Is it new? Or have I ever wanted to do that? Yes, many times. Flashes of moments when I felt this strange feeling come to my mind.

Now, the tricky question: why do I want to kiss Chandler?

A lot of adjectives are dancing in my head: cute, caring, funny, smart, tender, reliable.

Is he what I was looking for during all these years?

Curiously, I don't even spend many time thinking about it, the answer is clear in my mind: yes.

I'm surprised by how quickly I accept the idea: was it always there, deep inside? Or is it a feeling that grew up over the last few months and I'm just realizing it? I'm still confused, but I'm sure Chandler is now definitely boyfriend material to my eyes.

Oh God, what's going on? I have feelings for Chandler, my friend Chandler. How is it possible? When did it happen? What am I going to do? How announce something so huge to your best male friend? He'll freak out.

It's not as if he's feeling the same way, or even is just attracted to me.

"You're one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life."

The most beautiful woman he's ever known in real life. Was he sincere or was he only trying to cheer me up? Noooooo, how could I be the most beautiful woman in his life?

I start to bit my nails. What should I do? Going to his room... and then what?

I could kiss him just to see his reaction and then pretend I'm drunk.

No, to have the guts to do that, I'll have to drink a lot of alcohol for real. I want to stay as sober as possible.

I could confront him with every nice things he said to me along the years... and... and what?

I could go there and pretend to seek comfort.

But what if it doesn't work? What if three years from now I'm in Rachel's situation: watching him marrying another woman and hurting?

That being said, if I don't tell him what I feel, I'm taking the same risk...

I HAVE to know what could happen between us. Okay, now I'm decided. I'm going to his room. To do what? I'm not sure yet... I don't have a plan, I just know it's something I have to do or I could end up regretting it for the rest of my life.

#####

I knock to his door and he opens it quite quickly. He's in his PJ's and I can't help but teasing him abouth them. I then assure myself Joey isn't here, and thankfully he's gonna spend the night with the other bridesmaid.

I enter, sits on his bed and pointing at his PJ's I ask: "So, were you already sleeping?"

"Oh no, no! I was, you know... doing my muscle-building exercises", he answers casually, as if I knew and it was no big deal.

I can't help but burst-out laughing. I picture him lifting things (where are they in this room, by the way?) and it's so funny. He's so not that kind of guy.

He seems hurt: "Hey! It's the thruth!"

I smile playfully at him: "Oh yeah? So tell me, what kind of exercices have you done?"

"Well, FYI, I did..." he stops and exhales before resuming, with a defeated look: "three push-ups..."

I laugh as he sits by my side.

"At least I made you laugh."

Oh.

So he did it on purpose.

How often does he do that? Acting silly only to make me laugh? Does he do that with the others too? I hope not.

"So... do you feel better?" He winces, remembering me how depressed I was when I left him earlier.

It's funny how my mood is now totally different. I feel... calmer, less anxious. And definitely less depressed. I nod: "Yes. And, I have to say... it's thanks to you."

He seems genuinely surprised: "Oh? How so?"

"Well... you made me laugh, and you're really the only one that could have achieved that this evening. YOU'RE the only one that achieved that, by the way."

I see a corner of his lips forming a light smile. I know it means a lot to him to make other people laugh.

I carry on: "And... you were so sweet, comforting me... I mean... You could have enjoyed the evening with people less depressed than me!"

I try to chuckle but it sounds hollow. The smile on his face has disappeared and he looks on the floor.

Did I say something wrong?

After a few seconds of silence, he speaks softly: "You know... I'd rather stay with a depressed Monica than with a lot of joyful people."

My heart skips a beat. What does he mean? Does that mean he'd rather stay with me in any circumstances? Like... in a relationship? He raises his head and looks me in the eyes. He probably sees how confused I am because he quickly clarifies:

"I mean... you know, at least I can be myself, not just pretend to be the happy clown."

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding and can only whisper an "oh..." that surely sounds disappointed.

It's now his turn to be confused, he frowns: "Something's wrong?"

I shake my head and laugh as if it was no big deal: "No, don't worry, I was... uhm... just sad to hear that you pretend to be the happy clown."

He nods and says: "Ha..." and I realize our little conversation is going nowhere. Not where I want it to go, anyway.

I have to gather my courage and start a new topic. A dangerous one. Nervous, I scratch my nose and speak up: "I... uhm... I have a question to ask."

"Sure."

"You know, when... when you proposed to have a baby with me if neither of us are married when we're 40..."

I'm not touching him, but I can actually feel him tense. Maybe bringing the biggest commitment wasn't the smartest idea, I should have started by when he offered me to be my boyfriend... Too late now.

I finish: "Were you serious?"

He passes a hand through his hair and I see him chewing his bottom lip. I know it means he ponders what he's going to answer.

He clears his throat and stares at a point above my head: "At the time... it seemed so far away. I could picture myself doing it but when I said that, I didn't think about it seriously, no. I mean, at the time, I didn't think of all the consequences. I just wanted you to be happy. At the time."

"And now?"

He lowers his gaze so his eyes meet mine: "Now I'm serious."

He stares at me so intensely I gulp and look away. I want to kiss him more than ever and I have to calm myself. I can't jump on him like that.

He shakes his head and I feel his hand on my shoulder: "Mon... it's all about your mother and the drunk guy, and your brother getting married... right?"

I look again at him and the intense gaze has disappeared, he almost looks hurt. Hurt? Hurt because he thinks I only consider him as a sperm donor and not as a boyfriend, husband and father?

I search for an answer in his eyes but can't find it. I have to put my cards on the table: "No."

He frowns and chuckles nervously: "No? I don't understand."

I exhale and my shoulders and head lower, I'll have to confess him everything and hope for the best: "Oh God... Chandler... I don't know where to start. I was in my room and my mind was wandering, you know... and it stopped on you... and... and I was wondering if all the nice things you said to me all these years were true... and... and I found myself wishing they were true because... because... because I realized how amazing you are and... and I realized you... you're the one I was looking for."

I risk a look at him and he seems shocked by my confession (how can I blame him?), he stares at me blankly, his mouth half open.

I carry on: "I'm not asking you anything right now. I was just so nervous I had to tell you, because I was picturing myself in Rachel's position a few years from now, watching you marrying someone else and... it hurt so bad."

I take another look at him, he slowly blinks and passes a hand on his mouth. Is he going to turn me down? Oh, I don't wanna hear that, I'd better retract myself.

I get up and waves my hand: "You know what? Forget it! Nothing happened! I totally understand you don't want me as your girlfriend, I mean who could possibly want a neurotic girl like me..."

Suddenly I feel his mouth against mine. I didn't hear him getting up, but he's there against me, his hands cupping my face, and his lips pressed against mine. I'm so surprised I don't even have the time to return the kiss. Stroking my cheeks, he pulls away and he smiles: "So you CAN take a hint, after all..."

I put my hands on his chest and giggle: "Well, I had to put them all together to finally understand..."

He gently brushes my lips and murmures: "Better late than never... I'm sorry it took me so long to react earlier, I just couldn't believe what I was hearing..."

My hands are now stroking the back of his head and I softly kiss him before speaking: "It's okay. It's my fault, really. I should have started by jumping on you when you opened the door."

He nods: "Oh yeah, sure, that definitely would have less surprised me!"

I laugh and open his mouth with my tongue, something I've wanted to do all night... and maybe even before if I'm being honest.

I hear him moan as he falls on the bed, taking me by the hips with him.

That's when I feel it.

The feeling I'm where I belong.

In Chandler's arms.

I'm so relieved I could cry, but I'm not going to do so. We have other plans for tonight...

THE END