"I love me some hard-earned Rupees," Link said as he approached Ordon Spring, petting his bulging wallet and reminiscing about the events that had occurred just ten seconds before. As recent as they were, these memories were the best ones he'd ever had since his master had turned on the Gamecube…
COMMENCE FAILURE.
"Oh my God, Angela, look at me run!" I shrieked. My older sister stared, unkindly amused at my childlike fascination. I waggled the stick on my perspiring controller to induce Link into an endless rotating cycle. Link's karate chopping arms (like, seriously, his arm movements are so… so… stupid; he looks like a robot when he runs) blurred crazily as he circled around, over, and over, and over…
'Good Lord, spare me,' a paling Link silently invoked.
CEASE FAILURE.
Those had definitely been the worst memories. But these following ones were, undoubtedly, the best.
It had all started after I'd paused the game, being fully satisfied with spinning Link round-round, baby, round-round, like a record, baby, right round-round-round, and after Link had taken advantage of this curtain of him to puke on every flat surface in Ordon. An imaginary lightbult lit above my head, and I suddenly stated, "Let's get some Rupees!"
"Do whatever you want, Kimmy," Angela sighed, sinking into the couch.
I knew that, without a sword, getting Rupees from the grass would be an impossible task. However, I was aware, due to knowledge aquired from previous Zelda games, that there was one more source: rocks. Link, obeying my controller's commands, approached the nearest boulder and lifted. Shining and sprinkling, an emerald Rupee jumped to Link's feet.
"Awesome."
I just collected my first Rupee. And I was… so proud. So very proud I was.
COMMENCE FAILURE.
*tear*
CEASE FAILURE.
Link's arms began to purple. I chuckled.
"Oh, I should probably put the rock down now…"
I nudged the control stick forward and pressed down on 'A,' and Link hurled the rock.
The knowledge aquired from previous games had ensured me that, momentarily, the boulder would shatter. Guess what?
That damn thing didn't shatter.
COMMENCE FAILURE.
"…Huh?" I breathed. Never had I been so perplexed in my entire life. Why the hell didn't that thing break? Link approached the rock again, lifted it, and…
"Dammit," I muttered. Curiously, the mineral was as healthy as ever.
Never had I been so determined to solve this unsolvable mystery. Here I was, two minutes into this game, and I was already stumped. Link threw the rock once more. My hands clenched as the same reaction occurred. Frustrated, I commanded the same order again and again.
'Why do you hate me, O Lord?' Link whimpered as the work-out began to tire him.
("That's because I'm a sadist who likes to watch lesser people scream," I thought. Apparently, I was a doctor from the movie Juno.)
"THAT IS IT!" my mind screamed. No new response had happened. Link threw the rock at the side of his house as a result of my fury.
And that damn thing broke.
CEASE FAILURE.
"Nothing like some good ol' Rupees," Link said, appreciating his new muscles. His master had really gotten him in shape! "Now, time to meet this girl who stole my horse…"
Did I say that spinning Link around was his worst memory?
After this, his – and my – worst memory would be introducing the girl, the worst character in the Zelda series, who stole his horse…
Heh. This was written in, like, thirty minutes. It's positively awful, and not even that funny. And my spell checker was being weird and didn't show up while I wrote this, so there were probably some stupid mistakes inserted in there, too. But I just remembered that during my first run of Twilight Princess, all of these things happened to me… except for the tear part. That was just added on a stupid, dryly humorous whim. I just had to write about it. It'd probably be better as a video… Well, hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to review. :D