Foreword:
Due to the increasing number of stories and authors, I find it more and more difficult to come up with original ideas, to keep my readers entertained and lastly to keep my self entertained while writing. After a careful study of fan fiction in general, I have come to the conclusion that maybe a change of writing styles was in order… but a change to what? So, in an effort to broaden my horizons and keep my readers enthralled by a short one shot with a relatively uninspired plot, I've decided to incorporate several writing styles. Therefore, this story is written…. Differently. Try and keep up, and thank you for reading.
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A word of caution, dear and devoted readers! This is a tale naught for the faint of heart, for many a perilous exploit shall be undertaken and precarious situations shall abound within the confines of these humble wordings. Take heed! Those of you with fluttering in thy chests or trembling bellies would do best to avoid this newly birthed creation of blood and thunder that we mortals have named, fan fiction!
And now… ADVENTURE!
***
And lo, BGlanders presents…
The Cookie Sage
***
Sasami
***
Hark! The golden rays did pour forth from the shoulders of Shamash, heralding the coming of a new day for the tribe of chieftains, sorcerers and devils that were known to reside within the walls of the Masaki home. Many an amber beam did flutter and twist through this castle's worn and weary halls only to find its residents still drifting through the lands of nocturne slumber, most likely aided by a grossly excessive undertaking of mead the night before. All that is… save for one.
Were one to look beyond the confines of the sleeping quarters and beyond the communal den of gathering and war, one would stumble across a most hallowed and sacred place indeed. Know that none, not even the elders of this castle dare venture upon these grounds for fear of angering their keeper, for these are her lands, and while confined within its simple walls of paper and wood, her word is to be obeyed and her wrath feared above all else. Know that her name is Sasami, and that upon this morning she has taken the role of the sacred Cookie Sage.
Lo there a blue haired girl stands before a silver bowl, stirring offerings of dough and chocolate chips to be baked within her most coveted of ovens. Calmly and confidently does she mold and create, cast and bring forth such marvelous creations that would even Aruru or Enlil had come forth from the skies, or would that Anshar himself journey down from his kingdom in the heavens, all would be hard pressed to match her creative flair and incredible precision. A tall boasting, but one backed by countless achievements in all things culinary. Such was the power of the little girl before you, o humble readers.
While such a task would normally prove mediocre, nay, mundane for such a talented and tenacious goddess, Sasami attended to this morning's task with an unusual fervor and concentration so much so that even she did not sense the presence of the beast that did slowly creep behind her, waiting to strike.
With a mighty leap and a primal scream, the monster did hurl its body through the air towards the young princess's head. Know that the young Sage did indeed sense the creature's presence, but alas too late, as the monster attached itself to the child's head with such fury and might that all the fires in Hell would burn as but a smoldering ember in comparison!
"Oh! Hello Ryo-Ohki, you startled me!" The Sage gave forth a yelp as Ryo-Ohki, the Slayer of a Thousand Worlds and feared demon god of lore scrambled for a steady perch atop the young princess's head. The small, fur coated abomination gave forth a joyous "Miya!" as it witnessed its chosen Master create yet another desired offering of sustenance.
All too well did Sasami know what the brown beast was thinking, and quickly did she put a stop to such wicked deeds by way of her grave and goodly warnings.
"No Ryo-Ohki, these aren't carrot cookies. I'm making these for the others. They're chocolate chip, see?" And lo, did Sasami bring forth her Spoon of Beating All Things Battered! High into the air did she raise it until even the mighty Ryo-Ohki could clearly gaze upon it and see that yes indeed, these were not carrot cookies her young Master was preparing. With a mighty heave did Sasami thrust the spoon back into the battery depths of the bowl, and with the fury of a thousand gales did she stir, so much so that Nudimmud, god of waters, would be at a loss to keep up. Such was the fury and focus of the Cookie Sage. Lo there do we stand witness to her awesome might.
***
Tenchi
***
It was a warm, muggy morning, and I was feeling like a soaked sponge wrapped in tinfoil and left in an oven overnight. I tried pulling my covers up over my face in an effort to block out what I could, but eventually Mr. Stomach reminded me of my company last night, namely Mr. Daniels and Mr. Morgan. With a grunt that would have made a pig jealous, I shambled to the john.
The name's Tenchi. Tenchi Masaki. I'm a farmer, a student and heir to the most powerful kingdom in the galaxy, but that wasn't important at the moment. No, my attention was geared towards the bathroom, and then maybe towards a cup of Joe.
My head felt like a couple of G-Men had done a little knuckle dance last night, using me as the dance floor. My back felt like a tennis racket- all stretched out and criss-crossed. In short, I felt bad. Really bad. The kind of bad that makes you put on a bad leather jacket and shiny glove so you can dance around a parking lot bad. Eighties musical reference aside I wasn't in the mood for personable contact, but as the girls would probably tell ya, in this house you never get what you're in the mood for.
When I walked into the kitchen I knew instantly that something was up. There she was, standing there with a look on her face that seemed to say… yeah. She was all woman- save for the cabbit on top of her head. She had long blue hair tucked into two ponytails that would have made any real pony drop dead from envy. Her eyes were wide, pink and searching me for something, like I had something she was looking for tucked in my morning robe. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. At the moment, all that was on my mind was coffee, and lots of it.
Of course, that didn't stop me from staring at the dame's cookies. Man she had a rack, one that made me drool despite my queasy stomach. I felt like a fifteen year old drooling over a new car, or a piece of tail, whichever came first. However, I wasn't fifteen, and there weren't any cars in sight. I advanced, my hands reaching out and grasping before she had a chance to say otherwise. I could see the look on her face, but I didn't care. I know this was what she wanted me to do. I mean, when a woman walks up and whips out a rack like this in front of a man… Some things are just taken for granted, and I wasn't in the mood for words. Only after I had grabbed one did I think to say something, maybe just to be polite.
"Hey, thanks Sasami! These are really good! I didn't know you were up this early…"
I could see by her face that she was happy. I'm talking ultra chipper happy, the kind of happy that makes you slam on the breaks, hit the brights, crank the windows and stare kinda happy. The kinda happy that makes you say, "Damn that's happy." Yeah, she was happy all right.
"Thanks Tenchi! I figured that everyone would be feeling pretty bad this morning, so I made cookies to help everyone feel better."
I didn't have the heart to tell her that dough and chocolate chips was the absolute last thing my stomach needed to stop its spin cycle, but I refrained. If it'll make a dame happy… sometimes I'm just a sucker for a pretty face, but hey, what's a guy to do? I nodded my thanks and made for the counter. I was hustling like a card shark but I didn't know if I'd make it before my legs gave out. Thankfully, I found the counter's cold, hard surface just in time.
With a cup of coffee firmly slammed down my throat I knew the rumba session in my bowels would end soon. Until then I just had to wait and watch as the dame packed up her things, gave me a nod and walked through the door and out of my life, probably off to peddle her wares on some other unsuspecting dope. Ahh well, such is the life when you're a carrot-farming martial-artist super-powered prince… but hey, who am I to complain?
***
Aeka
***
So, like, I'm all asleep, right? And there's this knocking on my door when I'm all just 'go away' and stuff, but this knocking is so totally creaming my dream time and I was dreaming of Tenchi and being all, yeah gimmie some of that, but then I was just, like, rudely interrupted so I just, like, gave up and answered the stupid door.
So there's, like, my sister, right? And she's got this whole Little Debbie thing going on with all these, like, cookies and stuff and I'm all, whatever- you woke my ass up for this crap? But she's so, and like, I'm so, that I'm all, "Good morning Sasami. What can I do for you?"
So she's all, like, shiny and stuff and says, "Well, I knew you probably weren't feeling too good after last night, and I remembered how mom used to make us cookies when we weren't feeling too good, so I decided to get up early and make us some. Would you like one?"
So, like, I'm so just, whatever! And she's all lookin' expectant and stuff and like, it's too early for this Julie Andrews crap, but she's all, like, my sister who I love and stuff so I'm all, "Why thank you, Sasami. This was very sweet of you."
So, like, I take one of her cookies, right? And she's all beaming and stuff and I'm all hello? I was asleep? Unlike you, I don't wanna be up right now? I'm, like, normal while you're little miss thing what bakes at five in the figgin' morning? So weird girl who's my sister is still all eat it and stuff and I'm all, like, feeling totally gross. I was all ready to just say whatever and, like, just go back to sleep but she just kept being all, and I was so, and it was really weird, and I was all, mmm, eatin' the cookie, and she was all smiling and crap.
So when she wouldn't get the message that I was so totally into, like, dreaming and stuff I had to be all sisterly and crap and was like, "Thank you Sasami, but now I think I need to lie down for a bit longer. I'll be down for breakfast."
So she's all nodding and stuff, right? And I'm all, get the hell out of here, freak child! And she was all, I'm jettin'! And like, I'm so that couldn't have waited until later today? I mean, whatever. So I'm all, like, gonna kick off now. Geez. Sisters.
***
Ryoko
***
Slowly Ryoko opened her eyes, her tongue already sliding across her naked, exposed lips as the soft light from the windows gently caressed her body, causing her to moan slightly as she tried to turn away. She was naked, save for a thin sheet that only barely covered her ample curves and soft skin, and for a moment she shivered, her body rippling ever so slightly as she did so. Ever so gently she wiped the beads of sweat from her brow as her giant, throbbing headache kept pounding and penetrating her brain.
With a sigh, she glanced around her room, searching for her clothes. Her hand slowly traced down her back until it reached her creamy, firm buttocks… and then lightly scratched. With a morning yawn and a stretch, Ryoko arched her naked body backwards, exposing her breasts to the frigid air of her attic room. With a frown, she brought her body to a standing position, her naked feet whispering across the bare, exposed surface of the floor beneath her.
Before she could penetrate the thin, bare wall before her, Ryoko heard a soft knock from the other side of her door. With a purr in her voice, Ryoko called out breathlessly, "Yes? Who is it?" As she waited with baited breath, Ryoko watched her door slide open, open, open until it was open all the way. Suddenly Sasami burst through the opening, her tiny hands wrapped tightly around a long, wide, slick tray of cookies.
With a breath, Sasami parted her wet, pink lips and said, "I know everyone had a lot to drink last night, and I thought that maybe some cookies would make you feel better. I know you usually feel yucky after drinking, and mom always used to make me cookies when I was feeling yucky, so…"
Ryoko could see how anxious, how nervous the young woman before her was. With an internal groan, her eyes traced the young Princess until they found the tray of cookies, lying naked on their aluminum bed. Cookies were the absolute last thing she wanted inside her body, and her stomach cried out that it would indeed rocket forth its contents like a mighty gusher of passion if she even tried to slide one single cookie past her wet, pursed lips. She was about to say no, but one glance at the young, nubile princess's face told Ryoko that Sasami wanted this, no, that she was yearning for Ryoko to do this. This was something she wanted with all her heart, her body and soul. Ryoko saw all of this in the girls' wide yearning, naked eyes.
"… Oh gee, cookies! Umm… Thanks, Sasami…." With a trembling hand, Ryoko slipped her fingers around one of the hard, moist cookies before her and slowly brought it towards her lips. Gently, she opened her mouth, exposing her white, pearly, naked teeth. With a moan, she slid the hard, huge cookie into her mouth, rubbing its rigid sides along the corners of her lips. With a whimper, Ryoko began to slowly chew, munching the cookie that had penetrated her weakened defenses. As she ran her tongue along bits of cookie, she wondered if she would be able to handle this cookie inside of her. It was so big, so moist… she could barely control herself, but manage she did. Sasami noted with satisfaction that Ryoko swallowed, and her cookie traveled down her throat towards her naked, writing stomach.
"Thanks Ryoko! I just know that will make you feel better! I'm off to find Washu!" With that, the young princess suddenly pulled herself away and left through the exposed entrance to Ryoko's private chambers. With a moan, Ryoko waited until Sasami was out of sight, and then bolted down the long, hard, naked hallway that separated her room from the bathroom.
***
Washu
***
Sometimes I still look back and wonder why things turned out the way they did.
I mean, only yesterday everything was nice and normal, only yesterday we were all one big, happy family… we didn't have a care in the world… When did everything begin to fall apart? When did we start to lose our grip on the situation?
Sometimes I wish we could all go back to the way things were, but I know that right now, that's impossible. We made our choice…all of us. All of us save for Sasami, and now… now we have to live with it, no matter what.
Damnit, it's just not fair! Why us? Why did this have to happen here and now? I'm the greatest scientific genius in the universe! I should've been able to stop this from happening… I should've seen what was coming… I should've…
Should've would've could've
I suppose it really doesn't matter now. All I can do now is try and move on, to move past what occurred and try my best to look forward to the future… but how can I? How can I even begin to crawl out of this darkness and face the harsh light of…
"Washu? Are you awake?"
Sasami. Out of all of us, you were the only one who was spared this… this nightmare. Oh, poor child, how hard this must be for you! I look up from my futon and have to choke back my sobs. Here you are, standing before me, and despite everything that's happened…. You're smiling. God, sometimes it's just not fair! Why her? Why… why any of us?
"Technically, yes. Yes I am awake. What can I do for you, Sasami?"
I struggle to get up, my body screaming at me to stop, to just lie down and let the darkness consume me. After everything that has happened, there is nothing more that I want now than to embrace cold unconsciousness, but I cannot. I must maintain this façade… for her sake, if nothing else.
"Well, I know people probably weren't feeling too good after last night…"
Oh God, last night! Like a lightning bolt, a thousand images flash through my brain, splitting my skull with white-hot needles of horrid, acid-drenched unbearable pain. Suddenly I remembered everything… we were singing karaoke, just having a good time when suddenly… the sake…the sake..!
I… I can't speak of it now. I still remember things…all those horrible things too clearly. Lord Tenchi… oh you poor boy, how you must have suffered. I can only hope that you're at peace now, and that you won't be disturbed until this nightmarish hangover leaves us all. I can only try and hold back my tears as Sasami continues.
"…And I remembered that when I was back home, my mom would make me cookies when I was feeling bad, so I thought I'd do the same for all of you."
She's so sweet… so innocent… oh, why did you have to be exposed to this? Why couldn't you have been spared this nightmare, this Hell that you now see and hear through our actions? I'm so sorry Sasami… sorry that you had to know of what took place last night. What happened to your sister…Ryoko….Lord Tenchi…all of us.
Please… forgive us, Sasami.
With bloodshot eyes I look to the tray in her hand. Idly I note that several cookies have already been taken. Oh God… that means she's already seen the others! Oh, sweet, innocent Sasami! I only hope the smell of sake wasn't too strong in Ryoko's room…
I know that I can't handle anything, let alone a cookie, but her face… her eyes..! I must atone for what I've done, no matter what. Even if it means paying this one, ultimate price.
"Why thank you, Sasami. Why, I'd just love a cookie right now. Yep…mmmm… cookies…."
Without another word, I reach for the tray before me. I don't know what this action will mean, but I can only hope that somehow, someday things will work out…
I grab the cookie from the tray…
'Goodbye Lord Tenchi'
I put the cookie to my lips…
'Goodbye Ryoko'
Outside, I can hear thunder…
***
Yosho
***
A gentle breeze flows
Jack hammers pound in my head
I go back to sleep
A quiet knocking
I unlatch my office door
And greet my new guest
Sasami has come
Bearing cookies just for me
I now feel quite ill
Like an angry sea
My stomach reminds me that
I did drink last night
Large shining, pink eyes
Stare at me, and tell me of
Mother, and her care
I nod, and reaching
Take a goddamned cookie from
Her cold, metal tray
Smiling, I ingest
Inside, a silent scream grows
I shall throw up soon
Like the autumn wind
She vanishes with my thanks
I race for the john
***
Mihoshi
***
It was early morning, and Mihoshi felt absolutely horrible. Try as she might, she couldn't block out the harsh rays of the sun, no matter how hard she squinted. The sun was shining so bright that Mihoshi felt like it was right next to her, glaring at her with all its might. She knew this was impossible, but with her hangover she could feel the distance of the sun seemingly getting closer, as if it were consciously trying to split her head open with pain.
China all the way to New York
I can feel the distance getting close
You're right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe
With a gentle knock, Sasami entered Mihoshi's room. 'Oh, I hope she wasn't sleeping when I came in' Sasami thought as she entered with the tray of cookies clutched in her hands.
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance
Mihoshi looked away, her eyes hurting in the morning light. Sasami politely shut the door and chose to ignore Mihoshi's state of undress. She wasn't really embarrassed; she'd seen Ryoko and the others naked too many times for that. She simply smiled, and greeted Mihoshi as the blonde groggily sat up.
China decorates our table
Funny how the cracks don't seem to show
Pour the wine dear
You say we'll take a holiday
But we never can agree on where to go
"Good morning, Mihoshi, are you feeling okay?"
Mihoshi shook her head no, then suddenly grabbed at her temples, muttering "Ow, my head…" Obviously she wasn't feeling well at all, Sasami thought to herself. Mihoshi briefly thought that her head was about to crack open from pain. At that moment, Mihoshi wished she could build a huge wall around her and just hide from the world until she felt better.
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance
Sasami knew Mihoshi was merely being kind by not kicking her out right then and there, so she decided to act fast and give Mihoshi more time to rest. "I baked some cookies… would… would you like one, Mihoshi?"
China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in Mexico
You're right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow
Mihoshi looked up to say no, but upon seeing Sasami's large and watery eyes, she suddenly decided against it. After all, Sasami must have been slaving all morning… well, okay, cookies didn't really take that long to make, but still, it's the thought that counts. With a reluctant sigh, Mihoshi took a cookie and began to nibble on it.
"Thank you, Sasami." Was all the GP officer dared to mutter for fear of losing all control over her stomach if she exerted herself too much.
Sometimes I think you
want me to touch you
How can I when you build a great wall around you
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance getting close
With a gentle smile and a nod, Sasami closed Mihoshi's door. As she walked down the stairs, Sasami couldn't help but notice the sound of Mihoshi's door sliding open only scant seconds later, and the sound of footsteps heading for the restroom.
***
Sasami
***
And lo, the Cookie Sage saw that her tasks had been completed. With a warrior's sigh and the smell of victory emanating from the sacred bowels of her domain, the Goddess of Cookery returned to her sacred chamber of bowls and cutlery, satisfied that her quest was at an end.
As Sasami began to set about the slaughtering of eggs, rice and other such sacrifices for the joy of the morning pallet, the beast and destroyer, Ryo-Ohki once again crept towards her master, stealthily dodging from one oaken shelf to another, until her presence was sensed by the master of cookery.
With a mighty roar of "Miya?" Ryo Ohki leapt from her hiding place to once again take root upon the young princess's head. In a flurry of teeth, claws and fur did the mighty beast land, and lo, Sasami's head was once again adorned in a cabbity bonnet.
"I bet I know what you're wondering, Ryo-Ohki…" The great Sage did utter to her companion and chariot, upon which she did ride many a night through the vast sea of stars that did hang like pin pricks in the night sky. Indeed, the Destroyer of Carrots did dote on the fact that earlier on the Sage had spawned her doughish creations with an abundance of all things wrong and oily. With an impish smile befitting Loki, or perhaps Mephistopheles, did our Sage reveal the cause for her crusade.
"Well, every time everybody stays up late and gets drunk, I'm always left to clean everything up. So this time I thought I'd give them a reason not to drink anymore."
"Miya?" The mighty beast's roar did echo throughout the hallowed halls of cookery.
"Well, now they'll think I'll make them eat cookies each time they have a hangover! If they're gonna have to throw up every morning after they drink, I think they'll learn to tone it down really fast, don't you, Ryo-Ohki?"
And lo, did the light of understanding dawn upon the cabbit, and know that it was good, and that all who doth dwell within the great Masaki Castle did learn lesson upon lesson. Know you this, o gentle reader! Not all who come bearing gifts would mean to do you well! Know that the ingestion of mead, though a noble and civilized act, may give way to foolishness and madness, so much that Mab herself may be given cause to bow, and that the Wyrd sisters of old may yet take caution upon dealing with thee and thine. And above all, o gentle reader, know this: no one can overcome the awesome power… of the Cookie Sage.
***
Afterward:
So, after noticing difference upon difference in writing styles, I decided to try several. My personal favorite is the lemon-style of writing (I said "naked" nine times. Whee!), but I think the others had merit as well. Actually, I kinda gave up around Yosho's section, hence the song fic section afterwards. Simply put, this was a simple one-shot with a rather average storyline, but hopefully glossed up enough with writing styles to make it something fun. Special thanks to my Id for taking the time to proofread this…thing.
***
Omake
***
This is the second version of the Washu section. To be honest, I wasn't really happy with either one, but my pre-reader was a bit put off by the one you've already read… so I tossed this one together reeeeaaallly quick, and boy does it show. Hell, what do I care? I'm writing this completely for fun, and it's not like I'm getting paid. If I wanted to, I could write a Sasami/Lain crossover lemon and no one could stop me! The power! THE POOOWWWEEER!
So I lost every single thing I've ever written from my hard drive. That includes all my notes on my stories, as well as new chapters to VC and the Devil and Mr. Masaki, as well as nearly 40 pages of Wasure…Wasu….the fic Evil Dr. Tran and I were writing. Expect a lull while I curl up and cry.
Oh yeah, this was supposed to be an Omake. Hold on…
***
Washu 2.0
a.k.a. My Life Is A Dark Pit Of Darkness (proofreader's title)
***
In the dark, inky blackness of my lair where no mortal dares to enter lest they anger and upset the dark ones, the ancient Gods of old and call upon their heads the curse of eternal darkness do I truly feel at home. Here, where no one else can find me, I await my endless sleep with longing and agony, until that one sweet, supple kiss from Death's lips will finally touch my bare, waiting skin... and I shall find my bliss in darkness, forevermore.
Oh, if only the others could understand how wonderful and cool the darkness is. Like the touch of a God from times of old, it ripples around me, holding and caressing me, and let's me realize just how cool I am. I spend countless hours day and night here in my cave… my cave of darkness. Let the fools of this house go and play in the uncool sunlight and have their "parties". I will wait here, in darkness, for those who are like me. Then they will worship me and envy me, and everyone else will se just how cool I really am and want to be my friend…
And that is when I shall strike them down.
Yeah, it'll be so cool…
So this morning, like all mornings, I awoke in darkness. I find that it's extremely comforting to open your eyes upon the grim, inky blackness of the void. It helps you to put things into perspective and stuff… though this morning was different. For some reason the darkness seemed a little too encroaching, a little too…dark. The lights and the bleeps of my machines (my computer is soooo cooool) were pounding on my brain like the fists of a blood curdling demon who wished to devour my soul in the darkness. I was in agony…sweet, blissful agony…
And then SHE ruined it!
She walked in, light streaming behind her as if she were some angel or a beauty queen or something, and skipped…SKIPPED… up to me as I swiveled on my dark and spooky, yet curiously comfortable floating futon of evil.
It was the cute one. Not the homecoming queen or the bad girl. No, not even the cheerleader… it was the CUTE one. Oh, she's nice and all, and always gives me these smiles that say "gee freak, don't you wish you were just like me? Tee-hee!" I swear by Cthulu's teat that she actually says tee-hee! Gaaaah!
Anyway, this thing-what-gives-off-cheer brings forth this tray of…cookies. Ahh, the singed dough-products of the night. Filled to the brim with dark, dark chocolate that hid just beneath the surface, these…these were evil cookies.
"Good morning, Washu! I decided to get up early and bake some cookies for everyone. Would you like one to start your day?"
Those eyes…those hideous, giant pink eyes! No man can look at those eyes and not go insane! Yet, I held my ground. If she wanted to try and test me with cookies, then I would answer her and show her just how cool I really was. Maybe then she'd take the hint.
"Why thank you, Sasami. These look absolutely wonderful!"
I bit into the cookie; my fangs slowly sinking into its soft, fleshy dough-skin as if to welcome it to the other side with my kiss of death. Yes…these were evil cookies, to be sure. I could taste the heavy content of vile oil that she had baked into them, no doubt to mock me for being so cool. Still, I would show her.
With a sickeningly cute nod, she turned around and skipped out of my dark, private and exceedingly cool cave of darkness, leaving me to…darkness. Yes…the cute one will die first, or at least be really jealous when she realizes just how cool I am.
Ahhh… darkness….
***
Tnechi and Co. Belong to AIC, Pioneer, TV Tokyo, Viz, and AOL Time Warner.
The song is China, by Tori Amos, and is off her album Little Earthquakes.
All C&C to BGlanders@aol.com, please