Notes: This story will make a lot more sense if you've seen the amazing song Love Love Peace Peace performed by Måns Zelmerlöv and Petra Mede. It was inspired by the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest, and as usual I do not own anything mentioned. There is also swearing and references to drinking and other obscenities, but there should be nothing that a 13 year old can't handle. Enjoy!

"C'mon Dane, let it go. We're all disappointed that none of us got in this year."

"Ha, that's funny! After that stupid 'Let it Go' song from America I'll never be able to let anything go again. Good thing he doesn't participate in Eurovision, right? One night free of all Americans. No wonder Eurovision is my favourite time of the year."

"Then don't look now Dan, Justin Timberlake is performing his new song."

"WHAT THE- FIRST AUSTRALIA THEN AMERICA?! TELL ENGLAND TO KEEP HIS DAMN CHILDREN IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY AND OUT OF OUR AFFAIRS."

"But Denmark, Eurovision should be enjoyed by everyone! It's supposed to promote peace and unity and-"

"No Finland, Eurovision is what we do now instead of war. America would just drop a huge bomb on our parade if he joined."

"What about Australia then?"

"Please don't get 'im started on that again."

"If that spawn of England actually wins this year then he can suck my d-"

"Shut up Dane; no talking when Måns is talking."

"It's just about the voting, we've known about how the voting works since the first Eurovision."

"'M pretty sure ya couldn't text in the first Eurovision."

"No one asked for your sass Sweden."

"Guys, they stopped talking about the voting..."

"Ooh, the intermission entertainment is always fantastic!"

"Eh, how spectacular can it be when it's being hosted in Sweden?"

"Well, they do have more experience than you do in the area."

"Wh-hey that's not cool bro!"

"GUYS SHUT UP THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD."

"Woah, 63 winners?"

"Damn Måns just got roasted. You get him Petra."

"HE INTERRUPTED HER AGAIN OH THERE WILL BE WAR."

"DANE SHUT UP BEFORE I THROW YOU OUT."

"You guys know it's scripted right?"

"Quiet I'm trying to take notes on the formula!"

"Dude, you realise this probably won't help you, right?"

"But he said if you followed these steps you'd be the ultimate Eurovision winner!"

"Just watch, it's not gonna be thaaaat great."

Step 1: Get everyone's attention. Have a powerful, majestic start. Maybe a battle horn of some kind.

"AW YEAH IT'S THE VIKINGS' TIME TO SHINE."

"Sit down Dan I can't see!"

"Didn't Ukraine do that one year..."

Step 2: Drums. There has to be drums, it doesn't hurt if the drums are played by gorgeous, topless men. It's proven efficient throughout the years...

"He's cute."

"Who, the one on the right?"

"No, the left. Just look at his face."

"And here we see the asexual nerd lose it over someone who isn't fictional."

"Wh- all I said was that he was cute!"

... But please feel free to try other alternatives, it's proven very helpful to go the exact opposite way. Use a grandmother!

"HOLY SHIT IT'S THE RUSSIAN GRANNIES. THEY'RE BACK AND LOOK AS LOVING AS EVER."

"Okay this just got ten-thousand times more interesting."

Step 3: Show the viewers your country's ethnic background by using an old traditional folklore instrument that no one's heard of before.

"Do you think he's cute Ice?"

"Don't make fun of me!"

No no, in this case it's proven much more efficient to not use a young model. Go with an old man instead! A beard helps!

"You're right Ice, he's much cuter."

"Oh my gods you are the worst person ever!"

"Call me big brother and I'll stop."

"Hey Sve, does that instrument really exist?"

"'Course it does. D'ya think we'd really lie on TV?"

"Wha- hey. Don't confuse me."

"Well, Måns said that you could make something up so-"

Step 4: In Eurovision nothing says winner like a violin-

"GUYS DID THEY SAY VIOLIN?!"

"WHA- HOLY SHIT IT'S HIM."

"THE KING OF EUROVISION HIMSELF."

"I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SINCE 2011!"

"HE HASN'T AGED AT ALL HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

"Norway are ya okay?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm fine. I just fell out of my chair and spilt my coffee on myself."

"Ya may wanna wipe the drool of yer chin."

"Gee, thanks Sve. Real subtle."

Step 5: The violin, the drums and the kvinnaböske might make it all feel a little bit old fashioned, but this could easily be fixed by adding a DJ who pretends to scratch.

"Wait, if Alexander is the King of Eurovision, who's the queen?"

"Conchita of course. Who else is that fabulous?"

"True, true. And Måns has to be the prince."

"What about Lordi?"

"He can be the dragon that guards the castle."

"Why does that fit so perfectly?"

Step 6: Costumes. You need to look memorable, something that the viewers will notice.

"WOAH NICE COSTUME CHANGE."

"I'd like the be the one to rip that off of Måns."

"Norway, how much have ya had to drink tonight?"

"Unimportant there's a million things I haven't done. But just you wait."

"So he's not driving at all tonight."

Step 7: The song. Everything else might be important, but the song is essential. Let it be about something that everyone can connect to.

"Love and peace are safe topics. Remember how Russia almost won last year with a song about both?"

"Let's not say that Russia almost won. Polina Gagarina was fantastic and I loved her, but who would've wanted Russia to win?"

"The ones who don't have a history with it and don't know how creepy it's personification can be?"

"Did they really have to mention ABBA?"

"It's Sweden, of course they have to mention ABBA."

"They recommend steering clear of war but have they heard the song Ukraine submitted?"

"Now it's not about war, it's about her great-grandmother. Gosh don't you read the news?"

Now when you have everything you need and the pieces gathered, go for it, and don't look back!

"Fuck yes this will be fantastic."

"I thought you said it'd be nothing since it was Swedish?"

"He did say that, didn't he?"

"Well I, woah that's a good picture of Måns and Petra. Crazy looks good on him."

"Draw your OTP like that."

"Ice what the fuck is an OTP?"

"Hashtag Sufin for the win."

"I didn't know you could surf Ice!"

"Finland how dense are you?"

"I would totally vote for them if I could..."

"Why is it always gold lights though? Why not another colour?"

"Those colours aren't as bright, and in Eurovision you gotta shine."

"But even the flags are gold!"

"Don't question the magic of Eurovision young one."

"I'm older than everyone there!"

"MORE GRANNIES."

"Do you think that's actual bread?"

"No, it was probably made at IKEA."

"Ya know IKEA sells cafeteria food too, right?"

"Those hip thrusts though."

"I thought we saw the last of that hamster wheel..."

"Ukraine probably thought that too. The past can haunt you."

"Do you think she can win this year?"

"Nah, Russia's supposed to win. If she does then I owe Prussia a-"

"RYBAK'S BACK. LOOK AT HIM HE'S SUCH A CUTIE."

"Seriously Norge how much ale have you had?"

"I wish I could hold a note like that..."

"Aw, it looks like he's going to propose to her."

"But she's married. I mean, her ring has been glittering all night."

"How do you know that...?"

"I haven't been paying attention to the back up dancers like SOME people."

"Hey, they're attractive. Don't hate me hate the ESC."

"That rhymed, did you mean for that to happen?"

"Maybe."

"What, when has it snowed onstage in Eurovision?"

"Ooh, Sweden's gonna ignore you for the rest of the night."

"Austria's probably dying right now. First his song is in French, and now they brought back the burning piano."

"THE BURNING PIANO FUCK YEAH."

"Dan this isn't supposed to give you ideas. Don't you dare set anything on fire."

"Those dancers are- actually no I'm not gonna finish that."

"Cute?"

"Fin I said I wasn't going to finish it."

"Holy shit they're bringing back the Russian skater."

"Do you remember how gay that performance was?"

"Ha, yeah. The ripped shirt and lingering touches really topped it all off."

"Don't forget when they all dropped down to their knees in a dramatic pose!"

"Oh gods they brought the Slavic girls back."

"Their performance gave me nightmares in 2014."

"You two are too gay for your own good."

"Damn straight."

"I think you mean damn gay Fin."

"No I'm pretty sure in English it's- FUCK YES IT'S LORDI."

"Good catch Sve."

"Hm."

"Rybak looks more and more fabulous every time I see him."

"Look at that smile, he's having so much fun!"

"Hey Sve, is Måns having a seizure? Because that's what it looks like."

"Nah, he's thrusting to appeal to the ladies!"

"Dane I swear if you do that to appeal to ladies you'll never get a girlfriend."

"Well good thing you love me right Norge?!"

"Oh my god was that Loreen who just slid across the stage?"

"Yup. She can still do the crab walk so well."

"She must be feeling some... Euphoria right now guys... Right?"

"Norge stop avoiding the subject... You love me right?"

"Who's the couple in the background?"

"How much you wanna bet they're Russian?"

"It's sad that you can't remember who they were."

"Hey. It's late and I've probably had way too much to drink. Don't judge."

"The hamster wheel guy is actually pretty cool- FRICK WHY DOES SHE SCARE ME SO MUCH."

"It's because you're asexual Ice."

"No, no I don't think that's the reason."

"How can she look attractive while winking?"

"You look attractive when winking."

"SO YOU DO LOVE ME NORGE."

"'E didn't say that Dan."

"They make the fire look so good."

"I swear Dan 'f anythin' goes on fire t'night I'm blamin' you."

"HOW CAN THEY HOLD A NOTE FOR THAT LONG?!"

"They're professionals. 'T's what they do."

"Fuck you and your sass Sweden."

"No, I'm fucking Sweden and his ass tonight."

"Okay Fin this is where I start to question how much YOU'VE had to drink tonight..."

"That final violin note though, so smooth, so strong."

"Okay Norge, no drooling over him again. We don't need a repeat of 2010."

"Okay Sverige, I admit it. You win, that intermission show was amazing."

"'Course it was. It was Swedish."

"Good thing there wasn't any Danish shit on the TV."

"SO YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE NORGE?!"

"Quiet Dan, this comedian is hilarious. I'd like to listen to her without the 1,688 words of commentary."

"Ice, you had to know this was coming."

"I knew there was a reason I should've stayed back with Hong Kong."

"THE CHINESE ARE WATCHING TOO?! WHAT THE HECK IT'S CALLED EUROVISION FOR A REASON."

"Shut up Denmark!"

This is ridiculous, I know. But I wanted to contribute to the Eurovision hype this year and the performance of Love Love Peace Peace was fantastic. I did not mind watching it over and over again to make this one shot. There were so many references to past songs, I wasn't able to fit them all in! If you're interested in the past references I suggest going to Genius and looking at the annotations of the lyrics. I hope this piece wasn't too confusing, because I tried to add explanatory text but it just didn't work well. So I tried something new, and the style was inspired by a couple of xGlass's fanfics.

Congratulations to Ukraine! I look forward to seeing them host next year!