Summary: Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Levi and Hanji get stranded at the HQ castle during a storm and decide to play cards against humanity.
If you're not familiar with the rules of cards against humanity, Hanji explains it in the story. If you've never played this hilarious game before then SHAME ON YOU! :D
Most of the cards in this story are based on real cards against humanity but there are a few I made up such as a card that says "Titans" on it just to make the game a little more relevant to the setting. This will probably be between 2-4 chapters long, enjoy!
Cards Against humanity is an offensive game so read with caution, foul language and more.
"Ok so explain the rules to me one more time" said Jean with a bemused grin. Hanji had gathered everyone in the kitchen insisting they take part in the dusty old card game Eren had found in the cellar. Levi hovered in the doorway uncertainly, clutching a teacup. A look of mistrust washed across his face as he glared at the little black box of cards on the table, like it was rigged with explosives.
"It's simple really" said Hanji "We each take turns to be the Card Czar. The Card Czar takes a black card and reads out the question. The rest of the players have ten white cards with answers on them. Everyone gives the Card Czar one of their white cards. The Card Czar picks the funniest one and that person wins the point for that round".
"Sounds simple enough" said Mikasa. Armin looked worried.
The rain mercilessly lashed the window panes. Eren was relieved he'd stumbled across the game, finally something to distract the group from the crippling boredom and insanity that was quickly ensuing. Every now and then a flash of lightning lit up the room. The storm showed no signs of stopping. Eren had seen some impressive storms in his life but this one beat them all hands down. It had lasted days or so it seemed. He'd lost track of time since arriving here. Each day trapped in this castle had flowed tediously into the next.
A gust of wind rattled the window frames. Every creak made him nervous, he feared the dusty old headquarters castle wouldn't be strong enough to withstand the terrible weather. Levi cautiously approached the table and picked a random white card out of the box, holding it by the corner like it was covered in filth.
"I warn you this game is not for the faint of heart" snickered Hanji.
The clean freak's eyes widened as he scanned the card.
Wearing underpants inside out to avoid doing laundry it read
"Tch that's disgusting" he said indignantly tossing the card aside.
"Ahh but the whole point of the game is to be disgusting, you have to think sick and depraved to win, forget political correctness, actually just forget about morality in general, unleash your evil, filthy,wanton minds!"Hanji had that wild look in her eye, the same look she had when she wanted to capture a live titan.
Eren flicked through some of the white cards and laughed at how naughty they were "I don't know about you guys but I'm in" he said "Maybe it'll lighten the mood a bit" he looked around the room, several of his comrades had plasters on their faces and arms, Jean had a black eye. Order was quickly breaking down among them. Fists had been raised.
Until he'd spent the last few days cooped up with the same five people, Eren hadn't realised how annoying their personal habits could be. Sometimes his comrades angered him so much he felt he could turn into a titan on the spot. Already today he'd snapped at Armin for breathing too loudly, Mikasa for asking him (for the 100th time) if he was feeling ok and Jean because...well just because his face was annoying.
His patience with his superiors was waning too, if Levi made him wipe down the already spotless window sills one more time or Hanji asked him any more prying questions about his ability to transform he was certain he'd jump out the window screaming. Everybody in this castle was slowly but surely driving him insane and with a storm raging outside there was no escaping them.
"I'm in" said Jean "This is going to be a laugh"
"Ok me too" said Mikasa. Already she had a competitive look in her eye. She wanted to win.
Hanji squealed with excitement but Armin stared at the box uncertainly.
"This is just going to end in another argument" he fretted. The young blonde was apprehensive. Would he ever be the same again after playing this sinful game?
1 hour earlier
Eren finished sweeping the upstairs hallway for the second time. Levi had impossibly high standards and would probably make him do it a third time. He hadn't seen Armin, Mikasa or Jean for a few hours. He didn't care though as he'd fallen out with all of them. He rubbed his shoulder where Jean had punched him earlier, at least he'd managed to hit him back before Levi stormed in to break up the fight.
The teen flinched at the sound of raised voices at the other end of the corridor. He wasn't the only one at loggerheads with his fellow soldiers. Levi and Hanji had fought like an old married couple from the moment they'd arrived at headquarters. He listened as another of their arguments erupted.
"Your ratty hair has clogged the shower drain again shitty glasses!"
"Well at least I'm not the one who keeps using up all the hot water, I mean how many showers do you really need Levi? It's been scientifically proven that showering too often is bad for you, it strips the skin of natural oils and-"
There was a crash as Levi threw something at her. Eren held the broom in his hand ready to spring into action and pretend to be sweeping if Levi came around the corner.
"Don't lecture me with science just go unclog it!" Levi demanded "I'm too tired for this shit, you kept me awake all night with your snoring"
"I don't snore!"
"Yes you do, so loudly I can hear it through these thick stone walls"
"Hmm well snoring is a perfectly natural bodily function so deal with it!"
Eren hoped Erwin would return from Wall Sina soon and put a stop to all this madness.
Another day of this and we're bound to end up killing one another he thought. A pointless death over yet another argument over who's turn it was to empty the bucket/toilet wasn't what he'd pictured for himself. Hastily he rushed down the stairs to the cellar to hide. He couldn't' face more cleaning. It was so dark, damp and dirty down in the cellar. He gasped as a clap of thunder tore through the sky making the shelves shake and the candles in the lanterns flicker.
Then he heard an even more terrifying sound, footsteps, small ones. It was Levi, he was coming down into the cellar.
"Brat! You better not be hiding from me!"
Not even the colossal titan scared Eren as much as Captain Levi on a rampage did. He shrunk away behind a pile of boxes.
"You're not getting out of your duties this time!"
Eren could tell by Levi's tone that he'd finally lost his mind, all these days cooped up surrounded by utter slobbery had tipped him over the edge. He'd cracked.
"Where are you, you little shit!" yelled Levi kicking over a stack of boxes. Eren retreated further into the corner using the darkness and poor visibility to his advantage. Eren wondered if he waited till Levi walked past if he could make a dash for the stairs.
Then I'll bolt the door, lock him down here and we can live our lazy slob lives in peace! he thought
"Are we playing hide and seek?" Hanji shouted from the top of the stairs.
"Shut up! Just help me find that shitty lazy brat!"
"So we are playing hide and seek then?"
"No!"
Eren shimmied backwards, not even breathing for fear of being discovered.
"You're so boring Levi! Can we play some kind of game? I'm so bored I could scream!" whined Hanji "How about truth or dare?"
"No, have you forgotten how that ended last time!"
Eren accidently bumped a shelf, alerting his superiors to his location, both their heads whipped around just in time to see the entire shelf collapse on his head.
"Ouch!"
"You shitty clumsy brat! As if it wasn't messy enough down here!" yelled Levi as piles of books and clutter buried the youth.
"Eren that must have been painful, do you feel the urge to turn into a titan? Oh please say yes! You must tell me, please, please, please say yes!"
"Yeah I'm not hurt, thank you for asking guys" said Eren irritably as he emerged from the debris. He rubbed his head where a small but heavy black box had struck him. Curiously he picked it up. Hanji's jaw suddenly dropped.
"Is that what I think it is?" she began trembling with excitement "Ahhh if it is we're saved from this hellish boredom. Oh please, please please let it be what I think it is!"
Eren swiped away a layer of dust revealing the white writing beneath.
Cards Against Humanity: A Party Game for Horrible People
"I still don't get it" said Jean "How do we win points?"
"Maybe it's best if we just play a round and I'll show you " said Hanji picking up a black card "I'll be the Card Czar everyone take ten white cards"
Levi reluctantly pulled up a chair "I can't believe you convinced me to take part in this juvenile nonsense" he said with a pinched expression.
"I'll read out a sentence and you guys give me a white card to fill in the blank …ok the question is…" Hanji adjusted her glasses so she could read the card
"During sex I like to think about -"
"Stop! I don't want to know" said Levi dropping all his cards on the table. Everyone howled with laughter.
"No Levi, that's the question, you have to fill in the blank " sighed Hanji growing impatient with the short man's prudishness.
Eren was quick to throw a white card in Hanji's direction. One by one the others passed over their cards. Eventually after taking a long time to pick, Levi raised his eyebrows at one of the cards in his hand before reluctantly passing it over with a roll of his eyes.
Hanji shrieked elatedly "Ok here goes" she shuffled the white cards so there was no bias before choosing one "During sex I like to think about….Titans"
"Doesn't surprise me" Levi muttered to Eren who was beside him. The boy sniggered.
"What was that Levi?" said Hanji
"Nothing" he said taking a sip of tea to hide the fact that he was almost smirking.
"Ok next is…During sex I like to think about...Laying an egg"
Eren burst out laughing, clearly that was his card. Hanji proceeded to read out the next three cards which were "Being a motherfucking sorcerer","Pulling out" and "My inner demons"
"Ok I've made my decision" said Hanji after giving it some thought "The winner is "Laying an egg" "
Eren cheered at his small victory.
"Hold on a second" complained Levi "I completely disagree with your choice, titans was a much funnier answer!"
"Ah but Levi, this game is very subjective…only the Card Czar can judge which is the funniest " her mouth curved up into a grin "Besides I knew that was your card and I don't want you to win"
"Tch"
"Ok so who's in then?"
Everyone piped up in excitement, eager to play but Levi sat with folded arms.
"Fine!" he scoffed "but personally I think this game is very bad taste "
"Ok let's begin" said Hanji ignoring Levi's complaining "That was just a practice round, let's play a real round, the rules are the last person who took a shit starts off as the Card Czar"
Levi almost spat out his tea
"You're kidding right?" said Jean grabbing the piece of paper with the rules. To his shock she was correct "She's not lying guys, it's printed right here"
"Well I took a dump about 2 hours ago" said Hanji shamelessly "Anybody go more recently than that?"
"Um...one hour ago" said Mikasa hiding her face in her scarf in embarrassment.
Eren was desperate to be the Card Czar "fifteen minutes ago" he declared proudly which resulted in a disapproving "tch" from Levi. After going round the circle Eren was still in the lead but a certain someone was unwilling to share this classified information.
"Come on Levi, we need to know so we know who starts the game"
"Stupid game with stupid rules" he thought as everyone stared.
Heaving a sigh, he seized the box "Just give me the god damn black cards, 10 minutes ago alright...are you happy? looks like I'm the Card Czar!"
"Damn!" said Eren punching the table while the others pressed their hands to their mouths in attempt to stifle their laughter at Levi's confession to having taken a recent shit.
"Don't worry Eren, you're next" said Hanji "it moves clockwise round the circle"
Levi selected a card and held it up to the dim light. His narrow grey eyes enlarged when he saw what was written.
"Well Levi...what does it say?" said Hanji with a wicked grin
Levi anxiously glared at his hand, five pairs of expectant eyes gleamed as they waited on him to read out what was written on the black card. What a horrible idea this was, a tasteless game for vulgar people. Finally he found the composure to read out the degrading question.
"How did I lose my virginity?" he said without flinching.
Five mouths dropped open!
Hmm oh what responses will the others come up with? hehe :3
Please let me know what you think :) I'll try update soon if you guys like this