It had all been a joke to Her, Rick knew. To take the corrupted cores from the bin, and even from space (not the dummy, of course – Sweet Science, what a whiny idiot!), and set them back on the rails. There wasn't anything they could do that She couldn't. And they had tasks now and then, but Rick was pretty sure it was just so She could watch them fail. There were cores all over the management rails now.
Not all of them were corrupt. Some functioned just fine. …Most of them, in fact. Rick was quick to point out that he'd just been thrown into the corrupted core bin by mistake. Nothing wrong with him. Nothing at all.
Aperture was an ever-expanding behemoth. There were robots programmed to just keep excavating and building, on and on, room after empty room. They might all be used some day. For something. Testing, probably.
The management rails were built into these new sectors too, and Rick was cruising along the newest one, singing to himself an off-key, arrhythmic little tune, when he heard a voice.
He stopped to listen. Kind of a monotone. Pretty fast. He recognized it, and slowly slid closer.
In one of the new rooms, a core sat at the end of the rail, motionless. It was facing away, but Rick could see the optical shutters, and sometimes the entire sphere, twitching.
"Goldfish have the softest fur of any arctic bird," the voice was muttering. "The Earth's core is made of raw honey. It seeps to the surface occasionally, but turns black upon exposure to oxygen. This is how tar pits are formed. In order to repair a broken doorknob, simply heat it to 384 degrees Celsius and embed the shaft of the mechanism with granite chess pawns. In this way, anyone can be handy around the house."
"Haven't seen you since we fought that china cabinet!" Rick called out, not veering off into the room, but sticking to the main rail. "Thought fer sure you'd be a heap 'a scraps by now."
The other sphere twitched hard and spun around. "The Fact Sphere is NOT defective."
"Oh really," Rick drawled. "What were ya sayin' just now about doorknobs?"
"Doorknobs were invented in the 5th century BC. Before this, anyone wanting to pass through a door had to break it down." The Fact Sphere twitched. His shutters narrowed and he turned away.
"Doubt it. Not like it matters; when's the last time YOU used a door?" the Adventure Sphere asked scornfully.
"In chapter seventeen of Isaac Asimov's The Laws of Robotics Revisited, the author describes the ethical dilemmas involved in programming artificial intelligence," Fact muttered, turning away.
"Yer useless," Rick growled. "No wonder yer hidin' out in here; nobody wants to listen to yer crap." He turned to go.
"The Fact Sphere is in perfect condition." The core's voice rose in pitch and speed as he spoke. "It is not defective. It is superior to all other personality constructs." He twitched. "Human hair is the strongest type of thread. Embroidery is the highest form of comedy. In ancient Egypt, wombats were considered the messengers of the gods. Meteors strike the Earth an average of 57 times a year. They form new mountains and rivers each time."
"You really BELONG in the corruption bin," Rick muttered.
The Fact Sphere's voice took on an ever-increasing note of panic. "The distance between a red-tailed hawk and its prey is measured in units of voles. The smallest breed of dog is the white-tailed deer. A light bulb can be used as a snow shovel in a pinch."
"…Hey, quit it. Now yer just soundin' crazy."
"Insanity was invented by Rasputin in 18th century Russia. He falsely claimed to have gone back in time to kill all previous madmen. Rope was originally made out of strands of kelp braided together by sea otters. When milk is heated past its boiling point, it becomes snow. If you want a starfruit-flavored milkshake, simply wait until it snows; but only at night." The pink optic was flitting back and forth, and the whole sphere was trembling.
"What's yer problem?" Rick paused, nervous.
"Thhhh… Pens pens pens pens pens pens pens pens…" The Fact Sphere panted out the word over and over, twitching every so often.
"HEY!" Rick zipped into the room, knocking into the other sphere. Fact let out a yelp and jerked back on the rail. "Quit!" The two stared at each other for a moment, both sets of shutters narrowed. "You really got a problem here!"
"Nnnnn… The Fact Sphere… is nnnnot… defective." His vocal processors grated and whined.
"An' yer a liar." Rick crept closer, backing Fact all the way down the rail. "I'll bet not one thing you just said was right."
Fact twisted and writhed, but he had nowhere to go. He eyed Rick angrily, twitching and sparking. "The Adventure Sphere… is a coward."
"Still wrong!" Rick bumped into the other sphere roughly.
"Aah! The Adventure Sphere has no need to be here! The Adventure Sphere will leave IMMEDIATELY!"
"Ya think I wanna be in this tiny-ass room with you? Now where's the turnaround loop?"
"The Adventure Sphere's vision is malfunctioning. This room is equipped with only a straight rail."
Rick's optic shrank, and he craned it to try to see around the other core. "…Move, I can't see."
"The Fact Sphere is now INCAPABLE of moving backwards, as the rail has reached its end," Fact snarled. "The Adventure Sphere must back up."
"Ain't gonna happen!" Rick growled viciously. "Rick don't back down."
"Then the Adventure Sphere will never LEAVE this room. This situation is unacceptable. The Adventure Sphere MUST back up and leave immediately."
The two glared at each other. Rick twisted around, back and forth, but never turned more than 45 degrees.
"…The Adventure Sphere lacks a complete range of motion," the Fact Sphere suddenly said, his optic widening a bit.
"Shut it, four-eyes! I c'n move wherever I want! I got a black belt in karate, larate, kick-punchin'…"
"Fact: Larate does not exist. The Adventure Sphere is incapable of moving backwards."
"Now that's – I…" Rick growled in frustration. He twisted back and forth, then turned the full extent of his glare on the Fact Sphere. "Yeah, well YOU can't even talk right! Ya think yer SO SMART, but ya just hide out talkin' to yerself, an' everythin' ya say's wrong."
Fact's shutters narrowed sharply. "The Adventure Sphere's OPINIONS are not welcome." There were still a few inches between them, but Fact closed the gap and pushed him backwards.
"Huh? Hey, get away! Whaddaya think yer doin'!?"
"The Adventure Sphere CLEARLY requires assistance to perform the simplest movement." Fact continued to push steadily, and Rick struggled against him but finally let himself be pushed. "The Adventure Sphere should go immediately to the Reassembly Machine for repairs."
"Wouldn't do any good," Rick growled. "YOU know that. SHE said not to repair corrupted cores."
Fact paused. "…True," he said, a bit more quietly. "For that reason, the Fact Sphere avoids unnecessary risks. If the Adventure Sphere was in possession of average intelligence, he would do the same."
"I ain't gonna waste my time hidin' out like you," Rick said dismissively. "Lots 'a adventurin' to do around here."
They reached the main rail, and Fact gave Rick one last push onto it.
"The Adventure Sphere would benefit from examining his surroundings in the future, so as not to become trapped," he said with a frown, backing slowly towards the room again.
"Yeah, well you were actin' like ya were about to explode in there. Sounded real messy."
"…The Fact Sphere is NEVER 'messy.'"
"Whatever. Thanks fer the push."
"…Hey, is that the Adventure Sphere?" a voice floated down the rail. Rick and Fact both froze for a second. A string of cores zipped up from the murky darkness ahead.
"Adventure Sphere, we never see you around!" the bright white sphere in the lead said airily. "You're always running off!"
"Yeah… well I got important work to do," Rick muttered, glaring. "Can't just goof off all the time like SOME cores."
"I'm not saying I blame you. There's not really anything useful you ever contribute – Who's that?" The white optic swiveled onto Fact, who narrowed his shutters and backed farther into the room. "That's not… the FACT Sphere, is it? I thought he'd been junked."
"The Fact Sphere is NOT defective," Fact growled. "Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting."
"You must've been reformatted, then!" tittered a solid pink core in the back of the line, and the others giggled.
"The Fact Sphere has many tasks to accomplish. The presence of other cores is detrimental to the Fact Sphere's work."
"Work? Like She'd give you any jobs," a teal core said.
"The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere," Fact insisted.
"Oh yeah? What's the square root of rope?"
"Why were pants invented?"
"Heh…" Rick snickered.
Fact was still backing away. "The Fact Sphere is ALWAYS right."
"What about how rats can't throw up?"
"Rats CANNOT throw up!" Fact growled low.
"Heehee, what an idiot. Hey, what can you catch from cellular phones?"
"All other cores will leave IMMEDIATELY! The Fact Sphere has NO time for such… ridiculous…"
"Is it true that hot water freezes faster than cold water?"
Fact had backed all the way to the end of the rail, and was bristling with anger and shame. "The Fact Sphere is a WEALTH of knowledge." He twitched. "In 1847, Hans Christian Anderson wrote twelve plays and locked them away. They have only been discovered by the squid tribes of the north Atlantic."
The cores roared with laughter.
"The… the color red was nearly removed from the official rainbow in 2006, but it refused to l-leave…" He twitched hard and sparked a bit.
"HEY!" Rick suddenly bellowed, zooming forward. "Nobody asked you! Go on, get outta here! Can'tcha see he's busy?"
The group of cores paused.
"What's it to YOU?" the teal one asked.
"Prob'ly more'n it's worth to YOU, when She finds out yer messin' with things ya shouldn't be," Rick growled, narrowing his optic menacingly. "Now're you gonna split, or do I haveta split ya?"
The other cores glanced at each other. He was clearly lying. He was… PROBABLY lying. But with Her, you could never be sure…
The core with the white optic suddenly dashed out and knocked Rick back a few inches. "Watch your back, Adventure. She isn't likely to let you corrupted cores mess around here for long." The whole line of them zoomed off the other way, sniggering.
"Yeah, you'd BETTER run! Chickens! Wussies!" Rick screamed after them angrily.
Slowly, Fact moved back up the rail towards Rick. "The Fact Sphere is perfectly capable of fighting his OWN battles, and requires no assistance," he said icily.
"Doubt it," the Adventure Sphere muttered darkly.
"The Adventure Sphere has no knowledge of the Fact Sphere's strengths, because the Adventure Sphere is incapable of listening attentively."
"Oh yeah? What about all the fruit ya like? How honey don't spoil? That god with a gazelle growin' outta his head? One in six kids'll be abducted by the Dutch? An' you like the name Craig?"
Fact's optic contracted. He was silent.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. I hear ya. …So we're even, got it? That was just… cause ya gave me a push when I needed it. Not gonna happen again."
The pink optic slowly widened to its normal circumference, and the other sphere gave a short nod. "Understood."
Rick nodded curtly and began to slide forward again, though not too fast. Fact watched him leave.
After a moment, when he was almost out of sight, he stopped. He twisted around as much as he could, straining to look back.
"Hey!" he called. "You know this area pretty well?"
Fact slowly followed the rail out of the room, and stopped where it met the main rail. "The Fact Sphere is familiar with the majority of the facility."
"Anythin'… interestin' around here?"
"Fact: The newest wings of Aperture are largely made up of empty rooms."
"…Prob'ly best to keep movin'," Rick muttered to himself. He advanced a few feet.
"Fact: In order to maintain a safe environment, one must choose a new resting place at least once every week," called Fact, closer behind him than he'd realized. He twisted around, but still couldn't see.
"That why yer always so hard to find?"
"Correct."
"…So I guess you know some pretty good places to go, then, huh? Got any tips?"
It was quiet for a long moment, and Rick though Fact might have left.
"The Adventure Sphere implied that he has tried to locate the Fact Sphere in the past."
"Nah, I wouldn't say THAT. Just lookin' around as I'm off adventurin', an' I see a lotta cores out there, but I ain't seen YOU since before I went to space."
"Fact: Space does not exist," Fact muttered.
"Whatever. I was there."
"…The newest regions of the facility are 86% emptier than the original portions."
"Sounds just about right. …Any turnaround loops you know about?"
"Such structures are increasingly rare."
Rick cursed under his breath. "Fine. I'll stick to the main rails, then," he mumbled. He coursed down the rail.
"…Fact!" the other sphere called, following at a wary distance. "The… ratio of insect parts to tomatoes in the average bottle of ketchup is 3:2." He twitched and stopped.
Rick paused, craning to see behind him. "Whaddaya want now?"
"Dog hair was used as a fishing lure in ancient Sumeria." He twitched again and went still.
"I sure can't bump ya this time, pal. Better snap outta it on yer own."
"The… chances of survival in a hostile environment… increase dramatically if two or more people travel together," came the eventual reply, every word carefully enunciated.
Rick's shutters narrowed. "Thought ya said ya didn't need any help."
"The Fact Sphere does NOT require assistance." He paused. Rick waited. Finally he said almost inaudibly, "Fact: 99.99999% of personality cores are intolerable companions."
"Ya got that right. I don't guess yer as good at pullin' as ya are at pushin'?"
Rick jumped at the sudden spark that touched the back of his sphere, and he felt himself being sucked backward. It was like a slow, controlled fall.
"What the hell – How'd ya do that?"
"The Fact Sphere is the most talented sphere," came the haughty response.
Rick rolled his optic. "All yer friends call ya 'The Fact Sphere' too?"
"…The Fact Sphere has MANY friends."
"Yeah, ya mentioned that. …That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You said ya liked Craig, how 'bout that?"
"…Craig IS the best name."
"Gotcha. And I'm Rick. Not 'The Adventure Sphere.'"
"The Adventure Sphere has never been on an adventure."
"Hurry it up before I leave ya behind," Rick muttered, zooming off along the rail. The smug hiss of steel on magnetized steel followed him the whole way.