The one with Merv Griffin
Joey was sitting in his black leather recliner watching Bay Watch when Chandler and Monica walked in. "Hey Jo what's going ." Before Chandler could finish "Bay Watch, all right" he yells out and runs over to other the other recliner. Monica just stares at Chandler and shakes her head. "Mon you know I always watch it incase I'm ever drowning". "Yeah you drown, you need a life preserver within arms reach when you shower" Monica says sarcastically. Chandler says nothing and goes back to watching Bay Watch. "Joey have you found a new roommate yet?" she asks. Joey stands and walks over to Monica , "No" he says loud "and I'm getting really angry, every chick that's been here for the room has been a dog or has a boy friend or is just looking to cheat on there husband". As soon as Joey finishes a woman in her late thirties and very good-looking walks out, 'Let me think about it Joe". As she finishes speaking Chandler and Monica both cast a funny look at Joey. As she walks over to give Joey a kiss, her cell phone rings and she picks it up, "yes honey I'm leaving the grocery store now to pick up the kids". She clicks the phone and walks out. "Hey what can I say" Joey says while nodding his head at Chandler. "Joey!" Monica yells. "What , in my defense she said she was married after we did it". "Oh the ring on her finger didn't give it away", Monica says. "I thought it was." He stops talking for a moment, " Maybe she just wears it to not attract guys. Chandler help me out here, will ya". Chandler turns the seat around about to speak and sees the look on Monicas face, "I cant CJ is getting ready to show the proper back arch when giving mouth to mouth". Joey runs over to the other seat and looks into the TV set. "Joey, you better lower the bar if you want to find a roommate". "Lower what bar" he thinks for moment "Oh", "a guy is coming over in an hour he sounds good and agreed to two and half months up front." Monica looks over at Chandler still watching attentively at the TV, "Come on Mitch lets roll". Chandler stands and walks out of the apartment with Monica. Before Chandler shuts the door he peeks his head in "nice Joe" he says, Joey gives him a big smile and the thumbs up, all of a sudden Monica's hand reaches in and grabs Chandlers ear to take him out, "Owwww".
About an hour later there's knock at Joey's door, he gets up and answers it, standing there is a tall thin man. "Hi I'm Cosmo Kramer and I'll take it. He hands Joey a wad of cash before he even goes into the apartment. Joey thinks for a moment "welcome rommie" with a big smile on his face. Kramer walks in and looks around, "you don't mind if I move a few things in do you". "No, what ever you need", Kramer slaps Joey on the back "Giddyup". Kramer takes out a measuring tape and starts measuring the walls in the living room. "Kramer, come on I'm doubled parked with Jerry's car" Elaine says at the open front door of Joey's apartment. Joey turns and sees Elaine (this is the Elaine from the second to last season very pretty with the long black hair) "How you doin" Joey says. Elaine takes a long look at Joey. "Sponge worthy" she says. Joey just casts a very odd look at her. There's a big crash and as they both look over Kramer is all tangled in the Measuring tape and is laying on the foosball table". "Oh man" Kramer yells. Kramer untangles him self and walks over to Elaine and Joey, "Ok, I'm going to be back later with a few things". Joey hands Kramer the keys and then looks at Elaine, "well I wont be here I have a late call on the Days of Our Lives set, where I play Doctor Drake Ramore", he casts a sly grin in Elaine's direction. "You're on Days, I love Days" Kramer yells he continues "can I come one day and watch you film" he asks. "Of course and bring Elaine" Joey says with a smile. Kramer and Elaine walk out of the apartment and are in the hall. Elaine stops and looks at Kramer "Explain to me again why you are renting this apartment when already have and apartment" she asks. "Elaine I need some where to let off steam and work things out" she says. "Kramer you don't work, you mooch off Jerry for everything." Kramer just stands there not saying a word. "So what is this place your first franchise" she asks sarcastically. "I like that, a Kramer Franchise, a Kramerchise" he says to him self out loud. "Lets go" Elaine yells at him and pushes him down the hall and Kramer crashes into the wall.
Later that day Joey is walking down the hallway of his floor, he sees Rachel and Phoebe coming towards him, "Joey what's going on in your apartment" Rachel asks. "Oh, right, I got a new roommate, he said he would be moving some stuff in today". "A hey, Jo, what happen too only renting to a nymphomaniac super model" Phoebe asks. "two and half months security in cash. "That do it for me to" Phoebe answers. "Joey did you check this guy out, remember what happened to Chandler" Rachel said. Joey looks in the air and then back to Rachel, "yeah well this guy checked out A-OK and besides his friend was hot". "Joey" Rachel yells. "Fine I will ask him for some references when I go inside". Phoebe steps between the two of them, "I once had this roommate his name was Kato Kalin and the Son of Bitch still owes me for the phone bill". Rachael looks over at Phoebe "Kato Kalin from the OJ trial was your roommate". "Yeah he was a nice guy but what a mooch, sorry I ate your peanut butter, sorry I borrowed your black gloves and ski mask". "Oh my god Phoebs", Rachel yells. "Well if I ever see him again, watch out" Phoebe yells with a mean face. "Anyway Jo we're leaving, please check this guy out". Joey looks at the both of them "fine".
As Joey enters the apartment he already forgot what Rachel told him and all he cares about know is ordering two meatball subs. He walks past Kramer sitting in a chair against the wall and right to the kitchen, as he picks the phone up he notices that the his apartment is now decorated as a TV studio. "Hey Buddy" he hears Kramer say to him, "Que the music". All of a sudden the theme song from the old Merv Griffin show starts playing. "Ladies and gentlemen Joey Tribiani, Blake Ragouso from Bold Days of Beautiful Lives". The music is playing in the background and Joy stops for a moment looks around the apartment then walks quickly over to the empty chair to the right of Kramer. Joey leans in to Kramer's ear and whispers something. "That's Joey Tribiani who plays Dr. Drake Ramore from Days of Our Lives". "Welcome" Kramer says. "Thanks for having me" Joey's says with a smile on his face trying to look for the camera, before Joey can speak again Kramer cuts in, "this is my side kick Newman". Newman leans over Joey to get right in Kramer's face, "Co-Host". Kramer corrects him self, "so can you give us any inside dirt on the Days set". "Well Kramer today I re-attached some ones appendix with one from a monkey". Newman leans over, "I've heard about that operation it's called a monkey-reattachementdectomy. I believe it was covered in last Mays New England Journal of Medicine". Kramer and Joey shoot a strange look at Newman who is sitting back in his chair with a grin on his face. "So tell us something about your personal life" Kramer asks. Just when Joey was about to answer, Mike, Kramer's intern walks in from one of the bedrooms "Mr. Kramer the green room is completed". Kramer looks over to Mike and smiles. "Who's that" Joe asks. "That's Mike he's my intern", Joey shakes his head "Nice". "So Joe where were we" he asks. Again when he was about to answer the front door opens and Chandler enters the room.
"Hey Joe I heard you found a roommate" Chandler stops in mid sentence and looks around, "hey isn't that the old Merv Griffin set" he asks. "Yeah isn't it great, but who is this Merv Griffin" Joey answers. Mike walks over to Chandler Please you need to wait in the Green room till you are announced" Mike leads Chandler to the bedroom, which they painted green. As he comes out he hands a blue three by five card to Newman who hands it to Kramer. "So Joe you seem like a ladies man any thing we should know" he asks. Joey casts a shy smile "well I've been known to be somewhat of ladies man, yes". "Tell us all of the dirty details and phone numbers to" Newmam says. The door again opens and this time its Rachel, "Joey did you check the guy out yet". Before she could even comment on the room Mike whisks her in the green room Newman stares at her all the way to the bedroom where Chandler is, he reappears a few minutes later with another card. "Any way I have had my share of woman, but that girl you brought with you today, nice." Kramer thinks for a minute, "Yes of course Elaine Bennis, who I once took some topless photos of". Newman rifles though his wallet and hands Joey a copy of Elaine's Christmas photo where her nipple is showing. "Can I keep this" Joe asks. "No it's mine, but if you set me up with that girl that just came in it can be yours". Joey thinks for a moment, "Ok". Newman hands the picture to Joey, "Oh sweet mystery of new love" Newman says.
****
"Ok lets bring out our next guest" Kramer starts when the front door opens again. "Joey I just got two tickets to the Knicks game for tomorrow you want to go. Just don't tell Chandler. What the hell"! Ross stares at the set then continues, "Isn't this the old Merv Griffin set". "Ok who the hell is Merv Griffin" Joey yells out. Before any one can answer Mike shuffles Ross into the green room. In the green room Chandler and Rachel are sitting down eating donuts and drinking soda, when the door opens again and Ross enters, "Please write your name and occupation on this. Thank you." Ross writes the information down and hands the card back to Mike who takes it to Kramer. "What's going on here and what happened to Joey's apartment and who are those guys" Ross asks. "I have no idea but I'm up next" Chandler says and starts combing his hair with his hands, licking them first. "No your not I am" Rachel says while looking in the mirror on the wall. After a few minutes of bickering the door opens and Mike walks in, "Chandler your next, then Rachel and then Ross" Mike leaves before any of them can ask a question. "See I told you I was next now get away from the mirror" he pushes Rachel away and turns his head to try and see his rear, "Ross does my ass look big in these pants". Ross looks for a few seconds, "try and walk in with your butt to the seats". Rachel walks over to her seat and sulks that she isn't next, "Oh and bubble butt you better hope they have a wide angle lens for that rear of yours. And what did you do comb your hair with pork chop this morning" . Chandler just leers at Rachel before speaking "well that zit on your forehead should take away from my butt" he makes a wry smile before getting back to his hair. Rachel pulls out a compact and starts applying make up to her forehead. "What's taking so long I'm ready to go" Chandler blurts out, just as he finishes the door opens. "Chandler it will be a few minutes, Mr. Kramer had a walk on Ms. Phoebe Buffet, the musician, isn't that great" As Mike walks out they hear in the background smelly cat being sung by Phoebe.
****
Back on the set Phoebe just finished up the song and Kramer, Newman and Joey start clapping their hands. "That song was an enchanting as your face" Newman says. "Yay me" Phoebe sings out. "So Phoebe if I may call you that" , "Only if I can call you Kramer" she says. "You can call anything you like" he says with a huge smile on his face. "So what is it you do" he asks. "I'm a massage therapist" she answers. Kramer thinks for a moment, "I'll tell you there's nothing like a good massage". "I here ya" Newman yells, "Me to" Joey says. "So, you know Joey" he asks. Phoebes tells him yes and says that wait till you meet Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler. "Ok lets take break" with that Mike runs in and hits the music, he hands Kramer a bottle of Snapple and a lit Cuban cigar. "So what's the scoop with the rest of them" Kramer asks Phoebe. Phoebe goes into a few stories about the trio in the green room and Monica who is not there.
"Ok where back" Kramer starts off, "Excuse me Kramer, where is the camera" Phoebe asks. Kramer points to the kitchen and starts flaying his arms as he does this the cigar in his mouth falls in his lap he grabs it and flicks it up and it lands in his hair. A few seconds later his hair is smoking. "Owwwwwwwwww", he yells as Mike runs over and throws a towel on him to put the fire out. "Ok where back and every thing is fine" Kramer yells out, while touching his head. Phoebe who is to his right picks the cigar up and places it in Newman's coffee cup.
"Coming out next, I'm told is a very funny young man Chandler Bing, the music starts playing and all four of them stand up and start clapping. Chandler strides out with his rear pointing towards the people sitting in the chairs as he is now very self-conscious of his butt. As Chandler gets to the chairs Kramer points to the people on the stage to move down a seat "Adadada". Chandler sits next to Kramer, "Chandler Bing, I hear your middle name is Murial". Every one on the stage starts laughing, Kramer falls over from laughing so hard. "Murial" Kramer yells out, Newman points to Chandler "C Murial Bing, Hahahahahaha". "Joey you told, how could you" Chandler yells at him. "It wasn't me, it was Phoebe", Phoebe gasps. "Phoebe once gave a client a happy ending" Chandler yells while pointing at her. "Yeah so I did, I felt sorry for the guy he told me that his parents made him where diapers till he was 14" she says staring at Chandler. "Really I would like to hear about that some time", Kramer leans in and speaks low to Phoebe "hey keep it clean". "So Chandler lets see here, I have in my notes, your father is a drag queen, you have three nipples, your mom is a famous romance novelist who has the hots for your friends, also is a drunk, your relationship phobic and hide your insecurities with sarcasm and humor WOW". Kramer yells out. He then continues, "I think you want the DR Phil show", Kramer starts laughing along with Newman, "Three nipples" Newman says while laughing, he laughs so hard his face turns beat red. Chandler looks around "That's it I'm getting Monica". As Chandler stands and starts to walk off the set he stops at the front the door and turns "Joey once slept with his cousin". "I'd like to hear about that some time" Kramer yells while smiling at Joey.
"Well since we lost Chandler lets bring out Rachel Green and Ross Geller" Kramer said while standing up and motioning every one two move down two seats. Rachel and Ross come out waving into the cameras that aren't there. They both sit, with Rachel next to Kramer and Ross next to Phoebe. Newman leans in, "Ms Green if you need something just let me know. I'm Newman I work for the Government". "Thanks, I think" she answers. "So Rachel it says here you work for Ralph Lauren, that must be exciting" Kramer asks. "Well yes it is, I'm very close with Ralph". "Really" Kramer says. Ross, Phoebe and Joey give her a funny look. "Any way" Rachel continues "But I'm in trouble I was given a one of a kind white suede skirt and I tried it on an spilled coffee on it". "Uh oh, that's not good for business" Kramer said. Newman again leaned in if you want I can get rid of Mr. Lauren for you", he said with sinister laugh. "That's ok, I'll just tell him and probably loose my job." Kramer thought for a moment "You know I have this friend Bob Sakamano his cousin sells Ralph Lauren one of a kind knock offs down in Bryant Park". Rachel sits up in her chair "really". "Why yes, he's there on Saturday mornings he wears a paper bag as a hat, tell him I sent you". "Thanks Kramer" she answered and gave smile.
Kramer turns his attention to Ross, "so Ross" Kramer reaches over and slaps him on the back, "it says here you're a Paleontologist, what is that some one who reads bumps on people heads. What kind of job is that," Kramer sticks his head into Ross's face laughing, "No that's a phrenologist, I study dinosaurs". Kramer looks at his cards and than at Ross, "Mike, Mike". His intern runs up to him, Kramer whispers in his ear then starts jerking his head and fingers at him. "Sorry Mr. Kramer" Mike says and then walks off. "Any way Ross, you have been married three times, once to a lesbian, the next one lasted all of a week and the third was to Rachel which also lasted about a week". Ross got an upset look on his face. Kramer continued, "And you also have a child with the lesbian, can you explain that?" Just as Ross was about to speak Newman stood up and walked over to Ross and looked him straight in the face, "I know you Ross Gellar, you used to live at 480 West 50th St apartment 12f," Ross looks at Newman now trying to place the face. "Remember Mr. Gellar, it was Feb 1991, it was a cold windy day, I was walking up 50th street you were running in the opposite direction and ran into me. My letters went everywhere you never said sorry, but you stopped a few feet up as I laid on the cold cold concrete buried in valentines cards, and then you laughed and kept going. And as you entered your building my supervisor drove by and I lost out on my transfer to Hawaii. I've made it one of many of my life quests to seek revenge, Ahhhh, Ahhhhhh, Ahhhhhh, Cough cough cough." Ross looks at Newman "sorry dude". Newman thinks for a moment "no hard feelings", then goes back to his seat. "Three wives any talk of a fourth or maybe a remarriage to someone on the stage, Huh Huh", Kramer said. " I think I'm done for a while". "Yeah to many marriages can become to sticky" Newman said to every one.
The front door opens and in walks Chandler and Monica, "see, see, I told you" Chandler says to Monica. "Hey, Its Murial everybody Murial's back" Kramer yells out while standing and clapping. Monica glares at Kramer "Ok, First off who the hell are you, secondly 1974 called and they want their clothes back". Monica smiles at Chandler, "Feisty" Newman says. Ross stands up and goes over to Monica "Mon it's a talk show I think we should do the routine, you never know". Monica thinks for a moment, "ok lets do it". Chandler hears there conversation, "Mon the routine" he says very sarcastically he then says to Ross "TV, where the hell are the cameras!" he starts pointing in all directions. Ross and Monica whisper to Kramer, who then calls Mike over. "Mr. Kramer said that if you're not on the stage you are to be in the green room". Chandler makes a funny face "But" he says. "Chandler you heard the man" Monica says while Ross points to the green room, "Fine" Chandler walks off. Ross tells Kramer about what they want to do, he thinks to him self for a moment then confers with Newman and Mike. After about ten minutes, "Well we usually don't do dancing acts but what the hell Giddyup". Monica runs to her apartment and gets a CD and returns places it in the stereo and both Ross and Monica start dancing. Once they finish the only ones clapping are Kramer and Newman, Monica and Ross start high fiving each other, "OH Yeah", "that's the one". Once the two of them calm down they return to the panel. "Wow, that was something else" Kramer says.
Kramer is getting ready to end the show, when there's a knock at the door, Mike runs over to answer it and then walks into the hall, after a few minutes he walks back in. "Mr. Kramer, Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Bennis and George Costanza are out side and wish to enter". "Send them away, we said no more B level guests", Newman yells out. "Let em in" Kramer says to Mike. The door opens and the three walk in and immediately see what's going on in hear. Jerry sees Newman "Hello Newman", " Hello Jerry". "Jerry, lets hurry up I'm double-parked" George says. Joey sees Elaine and gives him a smile, Elaine smiles back and licks her lips "Oh yeah, very sponge worthy". Jerry stares at Elaine "Are you sure, your going through them like there back on the market", "Oh I'm, sure", she says as she starts to walk over to Joe. "Kramer come on, its time to go home". "But Jerry! I'm doing my show". Jerry sees Monica sitting up on the stage, "Don't I know you, you look very familiar" he asks. She looks back at him" you do also but I don't think so" she answers. "Yeah your right" he looks over at George "George remember I have some cleaning in your car to drop off." He goes back to Kramer, "come on we're going to Monks then to see Death Blow two, the Deadliest Blow". Kramer stands up and shakes his head "Death Blow two, ohhh I hear there's ten more death blows then in the first, lets go".
George walks to Kramer "Well at least introduce us to every one". Kramer looks at the people on the stage, "This is George, Jerry and that's Elaine over there" he points to each one, and continues "that's Rachel she works for Ralph Lauren, was married to Ross (he points to Ross who nods his head) who was married to a lesbian and another woman and feels peoples heads for a living. That's Joey he's a Doctor on Day of Our Lives". "I thought you looked familiar" Jerry says then shuts up. Over there is Monica she's Ross's sister who is living with a guy named Murial" George and Jerry start laughing. Kramer continues "that's Phoebe she's a massage therapist". George looks at her then leans into to Jerry, "Lets go, we need to go, come on" he tries to push every one out the door. Phoebe looks at him "I knew it was you, this is the guy I gave the happy ending to, but you said your name was Art VanDelay some sort of architect". "Georgy boy, you never told us this, lets go spill it" Jerry says to him. Phoebe starts talking before George can push every one out "he told me his parents made him wear a diaper till he was fourteen I felt so bad for him". "Yeah well, let me tell you what happened to my fiancée you might wind up marrying me" George says sarcastically.
"So what happened between you two" Jerry says looking at Ross and Rachel. "Ross cheated on me" Rachel says, "we were on a break" he yells out. "Let me get this straight you had break sex," Jerry says to Ross, " I like that. We're dating I need a break I have sex with some one else and then we get back together. But has it ever worked." "I've had break sex before" Elaine says from the other side of the room. "With who?" "Puddy, when we went to Norway. We took a 4 hour break and yadda yadda yadda his name was Sven". George fixes his glass's "I've had break sex but we never got back together."
"So Jerry can I go to DeathBlow 2" Newman asks. "Come on Jerry Let him go" Kramer yells, after a short pause "Alriiiiight". Jerry, George, Kramer and Newman start to leave, "Elaine we're going" Jerry yells out. "I think I am going to stay for a while Joey wants me to practice some lines with him". Rachel stops them before they leave "Kramer his name was Bob Sacamano, who can get me that skirt". "No its Bob Sacamanos cousin, just look for the guy with the bag on his head tell him Kramer sent you, and he will give you the one of a kind suede skirt to replace the one you ruined for Ralph Lauren". "Oh yeah" Jerry says. Newman stands between Kramer and Rachel, "so Rachel, dinner sometime" he asks. Rachel thinks for a moment then hands Newman her card she whispers to him, "call me".
"Hey what about all this stuff" Monica says to Kramer. "Mike pull the plug, we're canceled ". With that Mike walks over to a wire and pulls it till the lights go out. In the background they hear Chandler yelling, "Hey is it my turn to go on yet. You're out of donuts . I know some card tricks, my nickname in camp was skidmark".
The End
Joey was sitting in his black leather recliner watching Bay Watch when Chandler and Monica walked in. "Hey Jo what's going ." Before Chandler could finish "Bay Watch, all right" he yells out and runs over to other the other recliner. Monica just stares at Chandler and shakes her head. "Mon you know I always watch it incase I'm ever drowning". "Yeah you drown, you need a life preserver within arms reach when you shower" Monica says sarcastically. Chandler says nothing and goes back to watching Bay Watch. "Joey have you found a new roommate yet?" she asks. Joey stands and walks over to Monica , "No" he says loud "and I'm getting really angry, every chick that's been here for the room has been a dog or has a boy friend or is just looking to cheat on there husband". As soon as Joey finishes a woman in her late thirties and very good-looking walks out, 'Let me think about it Joe". As she finishes speaking Chandler and Monica both cast a funny look at Joey. As she walks over to give Joey a kiss, her cell phone rings and she picks it up, "yes honey I'm leaving the grocery store now to pick up the kids". She clicks the phone and walks out. "Hey what can I say" Joey says while nodding his head at Chandler. "Joey!" Monica yells. "What , in my defense she said she was married after we did it". "Oh the ring on her finger didn't give it away", Monica says. "I thought it was." He stops talking for a moment, " Maybe she just wears it to not attract guys. Chandler help me out here, will ya". Chandler turns the seat around about to speak and sees the look on Monicas face, "I cant CJ is getting ready to show the proper back arch when giving mouth to mouth". Joey runs over to the other seat and looks into the TV set. "Joey, you better lower the bar if you want to find a roommate". "Lower what bar" he thinks for moment "Oh", "a guy is coming over in an hour he sounds good and agreed to two and half months up front." Monica looks over at Chandler still watching attentively at the TV, "Come on Mitch lets roll". Chandler stands and walks out of the apartment with Monica. Before Chandler shuts the door he peeks his head in "nice Joe" he says, Joey gives him a big smile and the thumbs up, all of a sudden Monica's hand reaches in and grabs Chandlers ear to take him out, "Owwww".
About an hour later there's knock at Joey's door, he gets up and answers it, standing there is a tall thin man. "Hi I'm Cosmo Kramer and I'll take it. He hands Joey a wad of cash before he even goes into the apartment. Joey thinks for a moment "welcome rommie" with a big smile on his face. Kramer walks in and looks around, "you don't mind if I move a few things in do you". "No, what ever you need", Kramer slaps Joey on the back "Giddyup". Kramer takes out a measuring tape and starts measuring the walls in the living room. "Kramer, come on I'm doubled parked with Jerry's car" Elaine says at the open front door of Joey's apartment. Joey turns and sees Elaine (this is the Elaine from the second to last season very pretty with the long black hair) "How you doin" Joey says. Elaine takes a long look at Joey. "Sponge worthy" she says. Joey just casts a very odd look at her. There's a big crash and as they both look over Kramer is all tangled in the Measuring tape and is laying on the foosball table". "Oh man" Kramer yells. Kramer untangles him self and walks over to Elaine and Joey, "Ok, I'm going to be back later with a few things". Joey hands Kramer the keys and then looks at Elaine, "well I wont be here I have a late call on the Days of Our Lives set, where I play Doctor Drake Ramore", he casts a sly grin in Elaine's direction. "You're on Days, I love Days" Kramer yells he continues "can I come one day and watch you film" he asks. "Of course and bring Elaine" Joey says with a smile. Kramer and Elaine walk out of the apartment and are in the hall. Elaine stops and looks at Kramer "Explain to me again why you are renting this apartment when already have and apartment" she asks. "Elaine I need some where to let off steam and work things out" she says. "Kramer you don't work, you mooch off Jerry for everything." Kramer just stands there not saying a word. "So what is this place your first franchise" she asks sarcastically. "I like that, a Kramer Franchise, a Kramerchise" he says to him self out loud. "Lets go" Elaine yells at him and pushes him down the hall and Kramer crashes into the wall.
Later that day Joey is walking down the hallway of his floor, he sees Rachel and Phoebe coming towards him, "Joey what's going on in your apartment" Rachel asks. "Oh, right, I got a new roommate, he said he would be moving some stuff in today". "A hey, Jo, what happen too only renting to a nymphomaniac super model" Phoebe asks. "two and half months security in cash. "That do it for me to" Phoebe answers. "Joey did you check this guy out, remember what happened to Chandler" Rachel said. Joey looks in the air and then back to Rachel, "yeah well this guy checked out A-OK and besides his friend was hot". "Joey" Rachel yells. "Fine I will ask him for some references when I go inside". Phoebe steps between the two of them, "I once had this roommate his name was Kato Kalin and the Son of Bitch still owes me for the phone bill". Rachael looks over at Phoebe "Kato Kalin from the OJ trial was your roommate". "Yeah he was a nice guy but what a mooch, sorry I ate your peanut butter, sorry I borrowed your black gloves and ski mask". "Oh my god Phoebs", Rachel yells. "Well if I ever see him again, watch out" Phoebe yells with a mean face. "Anyway Jo we're leaving, please check this guy out". Joey looks at the both of them "fine".
As Joey enters the apartment he already forgot what Rachel told him and all he cares about know is ordering two meatball subs. He walks past Kramer sitting in a chair against the wall and right to the kitchen, as he picks the phone up he notices that the his apartment is now decorated as a TV studio. "Hey Buddy" he hears Kramer say to him, "Que the music". All of a sudden the theme song from the old Merv Griffin show starts playing. "Ladies and gentlemen Joey Tribiani, Blake Ragouso from Bold Days of Beautiful Lives". The music is playing in the background and Joy stops for a moment looks around the apartment then walks quickly over to the empty chair to the right of Kramer. Joey leans in to Kramer's ear and whispers something. "That's Joey Tribiani who plays Dr. Drake Ramore from Days of Our Lives". "Welcome" Kramer says. "Thanks for having me" Joey's says with a smile on his face trying to look for the camera, before Joey can speak again Kramer cuts in, "this is my side kick Newman". Newman leans over Joey to get right in Kramer's face, "Co-Host". Kramer corrects him self, "so can you give us any inside dirt on the Days set". "Well Kramer today I re-attached some ones appendix with one from a monkey". Newman leans over, "I've heard about that operation it's called a monkey-reattachementdectomy. I believe it was covered in last Mays New England Journal of Medicine". Kramer and Joey shoot a strange look at Newman who is sitting back in his chair with a grin on his face. "So tell us something about your personal life" Kramer asks. Just when Joey was about to answer, Mike, Kramer's intern walks in from one of the bedrooms "Mr. Kramer the green room is completed". Kramer looks over to Mike and smiles. "Who's that" Joe asks. "That's Mike he's my intern", Joey shakes his head "Nice". "So Joe where were we" he asks. Again when he was about to answer the front door opens and Chandler enters the room.
"Hey Joe I heard you found a roommate" Chandler stops in mid sentence and looks around, "hey isn't that the old Merv Griffin set" he asks. "Yeah isn't it great, but who is this Merv Griffin" Joey answers. Mike walks over to Chandler Please you need to wait in the Green room till you are announced" Mike leads Chandler to the bedroom, which they painted green. As he comes out he hands a blue three by five card to Newman who hands it to Kramer. "So Joe you seem like a ladies man any thing we should know" he asks. Joey casts a shy smile "well I've been known to be somewhat of ladies man, yes". "Tell us all of the dirty details and phone numbers to" Newmam says. The door again opens and this time its Rachel, "Joey did you check the guy out yet". Before she could even comment on the room Mike whisks her in the green room Newman stares at her all the way to the bedroom where Chandler is, he reappears a few minutes later with another card. "Any way I have had my share of woman, but that girl you brought with you today, nice." Kramer thinks for a minute, "Yes of course Elaine Bennis, who I once took some topless photos of". Newman rifles though his wallet and hands Joey a copy of Elaine's Christmas photo where her nipple is showing. "Can I keep this" Joe asks. "No it's mine, but if you set me up with that girl that just came in it can be yours". Joey thinks for a moment, "Ok". Newman hands the picture to Joey, "Oh sweet mystery of new love" Newman says.
****
"Ok lets bring out our next guest" Kramer starts when the front door opens again. "Joey I just got two tickets to the Knicks game for tomorrow you want to go. Just don't tell Chandler. What the hell"! Ross stares at the set then continues, "Isn't this the old Merv Griffin set". "Ok who the hell is Merv Griffin" Joey yells out. Before any one can answer Mike shuffles Ross into the green room. In the green room Chandler and Rachel are sitting down eating donuts and drinking soda, when the door opens again and Ross enters, "Please write your name and occupation on this. Thank you." Ross writes the information down and hands the card back to Mike who takes it to Kramer. "What's going on here and what happened to Joey's apartment and who are those guys" Ross asks. "I have no idea but I'm up next" Chandler says and starts combing his hair with his hands, licking them first. "No your not I am" Rachel says while looking in the mirror on the wall. After a few minutes of bickering the door opens and Mike walks in, "Chandler your next, then Rachel and then Ross" Mike leaves before any of them can ask a question. "See I told you I was next now get away from the mirror" he pushes Rachel away and turns his head to try and see his rear, "Ross does my ass look big in these pants". Ross looks for a few seconds, "try and walk in with your butt to the seats". Rachel walks over to her seat and sulks that she isn't next, "Oh and bubble butt you better hope they have a wide angle lens for that rear of yours. And what did you do comb your hair with pork chop this morning" . Chandler just leers at Rachel before speaking "well that zit on your forehead should take away from my butt" he makes a wry smile before getting back to his hair. Rachel pulls out a compact and starts applying make up to her forehead. "What's taking so long I'm ready to go" Chandler blurts out, just as he finishes the door opens. "Chandler it will be a few minutes, Mr. Kramer had a walk on Ms. Phoebe Buffet, the musician, isn't that great" As Mike walks out they hear in the background smelly cat being sung by Phoebe.
****
Back on the set Phoebe just finished up the song and Kramer, Newman and Joey start clapping their hands. "That song was an enchanting as your face" Newman says. "Yay me" Phoebe sings out. "So Phoebe if I may call you that" , "Only if I can call you Kramer" she says. "You can call anything you like" he says with a huge smile on his face. "So what is it you do" he asks. "I'm a massage therapist" she answers. Kramer thinks for a moment, "I'll tell you there's nothing like a good massage". "I here ya" Newman yells, "Me to" Joey says. "So, you know Joey" he asks. Phoebes tells him yes and says that wait till you meet Ross, Rachel, Monica and Chandler. "Ok lets take break" with that Mike runs in and hits the music, he hands Kramer a bottle of Snapple and a lit Cuban cigar. "So what's the scoop with the rest of them" Kramer asks Phoebe. Phoebe goes into a few stories about the trio in the green room and Monica who is not there.
"Ok where back" Kramer starts off, "Excuse me Kramer, where is the camera" Phoebe asks. Kramer points to the kitchen and starts flaying his arms as he does this the cigar in his mouth falls in his lap he grabs it and flicks it up and it lands in his hair. A few seconds later his hair is smoking. "Owwwwwwwwww", he yells as Mike runs over and throws a towel on him to put the fire out. "Ok where back and every thing is fine" Kramer yells out, while touching his head. Phoebe who is to his right picks the cigar up and places it in Newman's coffee cup.
"Coming out next, I'm told is a very funny young man Chandler Bing, the music starts playing and all four of them stand up and start clapping. Chandler strides out with his rear pointing towards the people sitting in the chairs as he is now very self-conscious of his butt. As Chandler gets to the chairs Kramer points to the people on the stage to move down a seat "Adadada". Chandler sits next to Kramer, "Chandler Bing, I hear your middle name is Murial". Every one on the stage starts laughing, Kramer falls over from laughing so hard. "Murial" Kramer yells out, Newman points to Chandler "C Murial Bing, Hahahahahaha". "Joey you told, how could you" Chandler yells at him. "It wasn't me, it was Phoebe", Phoebe gasps. "Phoebe once gave a client a happy ending" Chandler yells while pointing at her. "Yeah so I did, I felt sorry for the guy he told me that his parents made him where diapers till he was 14" she says staring at Chandler. "Really I would like to hear about that some time", Kramer leans in and speaks low to Phoebe "hey keep it clean". "So Chandler lets see here, I have in my notes, your father is a drag queen, you have three nipples, your mom is a famous romance novelist who has the hots for your friends, also is a drunk, your relationship phobic and hide your insecurities with sarcasm and humor WOW". Kramer yells out. He then continues, "I think you want the DR Phil show", Kramer starts laughing along with Newman, "Three nipples" Newman says while laughing, he laughs so hard his face turns beat red. Chandler looks around "That's it I'm getting Monica". As Chandler stands and starts to walk off the set he stops at the front the door and turns "Joey once slept with his cousin". "I'd like to hear about that some time" Kramer yells while smiling at Joey.
"Well since we lost Chandler lets bring out Rachel Green and Ross Geller" Kramer said while standing up and motioning every one two move down two seats. Rachel and Ross come out waving into the cameras that aren't there. They both sit, with Rachel next to Kramer and Ross next to Phoebe. Newman leans in, "Ms Green if you need something just let me know. I'm Newman I work for the Government". "Thanks, I think" she answers. "So Rachel it says here you work for Ralph Lauren, that must be exciting" Kramer asks. "Well yes it is, I'm very close with Ralph". "Really" Kramer says. Ross, Phoebe and Joey give her a funny look. "Any way" Rachel continues "But I'm in trouble I was given a one of a kind white suede skirt and I tried it on an spilled coffee on it". "Uh oh, that's not good for business" Kramer said. Newman again leaned in if you want I can get rid of Mr. Lauren for you", he said with sinister laugh. "That's ok, I'll just tell him and probably loose my job." Kramer thought for a moment "You know I have this friend Bob Sakamano his cousin sells Ralph Lauren one of a kind knock offs down in Bryant Park". Rachel sits up in her chair "really". "Why yes, he's there on Saturday mornings he wears a paper bag as a hat, tell him I sent you". "Thanks Kramer" she answered and gave smile.
Kramer turns his attention to Ross, "so Ross" Kramer reaches over and slaps him on the back, "it says here you're a Paleontologist, what is that some one who reads bumps on people heads. What kind of job is that," Kramer sticks his head into Ross's face laughing, "No that's a phrenologist, I study dinosaurs". Kramer looks at his cards and than at Ross, "Mike, Mike". His intern runs up to him, Kramer whispers in his ear then starts jerking his head and fingers at him. "Sorry Mr. Kramer" Mike says and then walks off. "Any way Ross, you have been married three times, once to a lesbian, the next one lasted all of a week and the third was to Rachel which also lasted about a week". Ross got an upset look on his face. Kramer continued, "And you also have a child with the lesbian, can you explain that?" Just as Ross was about to speak Newman stood up and walked over to Ross and looked him straight in the face, "I know you Ross Gellar, you used to live at 480 West 50th St apartment 12f," Ross looks at Newman now trying to place the face. "Remember Mr. Gellar, it was Feb 1991, it was a cold windy day, I was walking up 50th street you were running in the opposite direction and ran into me. My letters went everywhere you never said sorry, but you stopped a few feet up as I laid on the cold cold concrete buried in valentines cards, and then you laughed and kept going. And as you entered your building my supervisor drove by and I lost out on my transfer to Hawaii. I've made it one of many of my life quests to seek revenge, Ahhhh, Ahhhhhh, Ahhhhhh, Cough cough cough." Ross looks at Newman "sorry dude". Newman thinks for a moment "no hard feelings", then goes back to his seat. "Three wives any talk of a fourth or maybe a remarriage to someone on the stage, Huh Huh", Kramer said. " I think I'm done for a while". "Yeah to many marriages can become to sticky" Newman said to every one.
The front door opens and in walks Chandler and Monica, "see, see, I told you" Chandler says to Monica. "Hey, Its Murial everybody Murial's back" Kramer yells out while standing and clapping. Monica glares at Kramer "Ok, First off who the hell are you, secondly 1974 called and they want their clothes back". Monica smiles at Chandler, "Feisty" Newman says. Ross stands up and goes over to Monica "Mon it's a talk show I think we should do the routine, you never know". Monica thinks for a moment, "ok lets do it". Chandler hears there conversation, "Mon the routine" he says very sarcastically he then says to Ross "TV, where the hell are the cameras!" he starts pointing in all directions. Ross and Monica whisper to Kramer, who then calls Mike over. "Mr. Kramer said that if you're not on the stage you are to be in the green room". Chandler makes a funny face "But" he says. "Chandler you heard the man" Monica says while Ross points to the green room, "Fine" Chandler walks off. Ross tells Kramer about what they want to do, he thinks to him self for a moment then confers with Newman and Mike. After about ten minutes, "Well we usually don't do dancing acts but what the hell Giddyup". Monica runs to her apartment and gets a CD and returns places it in the stereo and both Ross and Monica start dancing. Once they finish the only ones clapping are Kramer and Newman, Monica and Ross start high fiving each other, "OH Yeah", "that's the one". Once the two of them calm down they return to the panel. "Wow, that was something else" Kramer says.
Kramer is getting ready to end the show, when there's a knock at the door, Mike runs over to answer it and then walks into the hall, after a few minutes he walks back in. "Mr. Kramer, Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Bennis and George Costanza are out side and wish to enter". "Send them away, we said no more B level guests", Newman yells out. "Let em in" Kramer says to Mike. The door opens and the three walk in and immediately see what's going on in hear. Jerry sees Newman "Hello Newman", " Hello Jerry". "Jerry, lets hurry up I'm double-parked" George says. Joey sees Elaine and gives him a smile, Elaine smiles back and licks her lips "Oh yeah, very sponge worthy". Jerry stares at Elaine "Are you sure, your going through them like there back on the market", "Oh I'm, sure", she says as she starts to walk over to Joe. "Kramer come on, its time to go home". "But Jerry! I'm doing my show". Jerry sees Monica sitting up on the stage, "Don't I know you, you look very familiar" he asks. She looks back at him" you do also but I don't think so" she answers. "Yeah your right" he looks over at George "George remember I have some cleaning in your car to drop off." He goes back to Kramer, "come on we're going to Monks then to see Death Blow two, the Deadliest Blow". Kramer stands up and shakes his head "Death Blow two, ohhh I hear there's ten more death blows then in the first, lets go".
George walks to Kramer "Well at least introduce us to every one". Kramer looks at the people on the stage, "This is George, Jerry and that's Elaine over there" he points to each one, and continues "that's Rachel she works for Ralph Lauren, was married to Ross (he points to Ross who nods his head) who was married to a lesbian and another woman and feels peoples heads for a living. That's Joey he's a Doctor on Day of Our Lives". "I thought you looked familiar" Jerry says then shuts up. Over there is Monica she's Ross's sister who is living with a guy named Murial" George and Jerry start laughing. Kramer continues "that's Phoebe she's a massage therapist". George looks at her then leans into to Jerry, "Lets go, we need to go, come on" he tries to push every one out the door. Phoebe looks at him "I knew it was you, this is the guy I gave the happy ending to, but you said your name was Art VanDelay some sort of architect". "Georgy boy, you never told us this, lets go spill it" Jerry says to him. Phoebe starts talking before George can push every one out "he told me his parents made him wear a diaper till he was fourteen I felt so bad for him". "Yeah well, let me tell you what happened to my fiancée you might wind up marrying me" George says sarcastically.
"So what happened between you two" Jerry says looking at Ross and Rachel. "Ross cheated on me" Rachel says, "we were on a break" he yells out. "Let me get this straight you had break sex," Jerry says to Ross, " I like that. We're dating I need a break I have sex with some one else and then we get back together. But has it ever worked." "I've had break sex before" Elaine says from the other side of the room. "With who?" "Puddy, when we went to Norway. We took a 4 hour break and yadda yadda yadda his name was Sven". George fixes his glass's "I've had break sex but we never got back together."
"So Jerry can I go to DeathBlow 2" Newman asks. "Come on Jerry Let him go" Kramer yells, after a short pause "Alriiiiight". Jerry, George, Kramer and Newman start to leave, "Elaine we're going" Jerry yells out. "I think I am going to stay for a while Joey wants me to practice some lines with him". Rachel stops them before they leave "Kramer his name was Bob Sacamano, who can get me that skirt". "No its Bob Sacamanos cousin, just look for the guy with the bag on his head tell him Kramer sent you, and he will give you the one of a kind suede skirt to replace the one you ruined for Ralph Lauren". "Oh yeah" Jerry says. Newman stands between Kramer and Rachel, "so Rachel, dinner sometime" he asks. Rachel thinks for a moment then hands Newman her card she whispers to him, "call me".
"Hey what about all this stuff" Monica says to Kramer. "Mike pull the plug, we're canceled ". With that Mike walks over to a wire and pulls it till the lights go out. In the background they hear Chandler yelling, "Hey is it my turn to go on yet. You're out of donuts . I know some card tricks, my nickname in camp was skidmark".
The End