Title: Accidental
Author: Kate1013
Rating: K PG
Spoiler: SGA Trio
Summary: A broken bone leaves a pensive Sam and some random conversations
Disclaimer: All characters are not mine which is damn unfortunate....
Author's Note: This was actually the first bit of Stargate fanfic I wrote, but for some reason I never posted it. In clearing through all my files recently, I decided to re-edit and dust off. Again it was never beta'd. Plus it was written when I was only a casual SGA viewer. Apologies if it's a bit off.
There is no wind.
She tilts her head up to the sky, but the air is still and offers her nothing. Her leg throbs; a dull ache numbed by painkillers, yet is enough to distract her gaze. She looks up from the cast and up to the stars again. But they aren't her stars. Nor his either. She is miles away from home and for once it bothers her. Enough for the pang in her heart to spring forwards in her chest again. She's never missed someone so much, that it's hurt before. Strangely, it both warms and unnerves her. She shouldn't have to feel it, but the fact that she does means something. Means she has someone. No matter how far away they are.
Her arms are cold. The cool air not enough to make her shiver, but just a chill that settles in her bones. She should really be wearing a jacket; she often feels the cold – more than he does anyway. But tonight it doesn't bother her. In fact she welcomes it, clinging to her skin like a blanket, helping her feel more alive. She wishes she hadn't taken those painkillers and had opted for a beer instead. She could really do with one right now, her mouth almost watering at the thought...
Yep, beer would be good right now....
No wind, no beer, no Jack....
Her heart flips again. Something she is getting used to feeling, but often wishes she didn't. She wonders how healthy it is for it to do that. She would ask Dr Keller, but somehow knows she won't get the answer she wants. Janet would have laughed. Her heart aches again...
The need to cry is overwhelming.
A build up of emotions flying around inside her; her veins cursing with it, as her blood surges around her body. She can feel the need spreading to every part of her being, but still the tears won't come. And the cries that linger somewhere in the back of her mind are constantly stuck in her throat. How can you will yourself to cry, she wonders?
From experience, she wonders if its anger that holds it back. Why, she doesn't know. What she could be angry about, well she's not entirely sure about that either. Except for the fact that before, every time that she'd awoken in the infirmary, he was there. This time he wasn't. But it wasn't his fault, not even hers, she supposed. Their relationship has never been about finding fault or blame. Things simply were what they were and they'd known that from the beginning.
The urge to jump overboard and go swimming enters her brain, but despite the glaringly obvious set back, her body refuses to cooperate and she's stood there motionless. Numb even.
At least it has a name now, she thinks, something that she can grasp at long last. But the name doesn't cure it, and she suddenly wishes she was surrounded by people familiar; people who would understand her mood and push her as far as they could in order to help.
But the people here, they just stand by and watch, giving her the space that they think she needs. It's not what she wants. She wants, no make that needs, to be around people right now. Needs the comfort, the touch. The strength of others that will pass through from their fingers to hers, filling her veins with the very ingredient to get her moving again.
But they're not here. A clear reminder of how things have changed, and no matter how happy she is and how happy they are, it doesn't stop her from missing them. It doesn't stop her from mourning the past and wishing that things didn't have to change so much, so fast.
She had said that she felt like she was leaving something behind, that there were still things left undone. Then she'd arrived here, and some things had been easier than expected, others harder. She hadn't known what to make of it then. Or now for that matter, if she was honest.
Especially of the man standing behind her now, breaking her thoughts with a quiet deep cough. He carries a jacket in his hand and when she turns to face him, he leans over and drapes it around her shoulders.
Ronon smiles, almost a bit sheepishly, before moving round to stand beside her. "Thought you might be cold," He says by way of explanation.
"Thanks," She doesn't know what else to say, and so turns back to gazing out at the night's sky.
"You know you should still be in the infirmary, right?"
"Yeah," Sam sighs, following it with a sad smile. "I don't really like spending much time in there to be honest."
"Me neither…"
"Really?" She asks, truly intrigued. "I often see you in there... you know after sparring..."
Ronon just smiles and Sam's thoughts turn to her earlier conversation with Jennifer in the underground mine. She smiles back, the thought passing between them without a word being said.
"You miss it," But it's more of a statement than a question. "Earth... home..."
Sam nods, her eyes cast towards the dark ocean. "Don't you? Miss home I mean?"
"All the time." His voice doesn't falter and it pulls Sam's gaze back to his face. She hadn't expected him to be so bold and he could see the surprise in her eyes. "Never would have guessed it, huh?"
Sam smiles apologetically, the need to shrug suddenly halted by the crutches that she's gripping in order to hold herself up. She glances at them briefly, her mind wandering to Jack and his own inability to talk about emotions.
"Sometimes I think it must be harder for you – all of you here from Earth."
"Why?"
"My home, my world is gone. There is no going back – nothing to go back to." He glances out at the night sky, causing Sam to wonder if he's somehow seeking out his own planet among the stars. "But you," He says turning back to Sam, "You know what you're missing. Your world goes on without you and there's nothing you can do about it."
Sam considers his words – sounding so final in the cool crisp air – and subconsciously bites her lip. She wasn't sure he was right. Spending so much time off world, the thought had crossed her mind once or twice, she had to admit. To know that earth and all its inhabitants were gone would have made her angry, upset and confused beyond belief, but she was a soldier and ultimately she knew she held the skills to survive it. Now, being out of the field and having a command of her own, her views on life had changed somewhat. Life had settled, and to know that her friends, family and loved ones were gone would surely kill her now.
"I'm not so sure," She says finally, her voice so soft it's almost a whisper.
Ronon nods in response – they agree to disagree, neither being in a position to know the others pain. And with a blink of his eyes, the conversation is gone and he's looking at her with a different concern.
"Do you want to go inside?" He says, a glance thrown back to the light streaming through the glass windows. "I don't want to think what the doc will do to me if she knows I'm aiding and abetting an escaped patient..."
Sam smiles and quickly shakes her head free from all its thoughts. "Yeah, I don't like that the doctor's orders outrank mine..."
Ronon shoots her a grin, before slipping his arm under hers and helping her through the door. Sam considers protesting, but seeing the look on his face, decides against it and allows him to lead her back to her quarters.
Once inside, Ronon helps lower Sam onto her bed, letting her lean back against the headboard, foot propped up on some pillows.
"Thanks," Sam says, feeling somewhat awkward about the situation. Not many of the residents in Atlantis had spent much time in her quarters since she'd moved in. She, Teal'c, Daniel and Jack had practically lived in each other's when they were still a team. The fact that she doesn't know if Ronon or any of his teammates do the same bothers her slightly.
"Who's the kid?" Ronon asks, signalling to a photo on her bedside table with his head.
Sam follows his gaze, a smile forming on her lips as she looks at the two faces smiling back at her. "That's Cassie," she says, picking up the frame and handing it to Ronon so that he can get a better look. "She was the sole survivor on her planet after a Goa'uld attack. We brought her back to earth and she was adopted by Janet, the doctor at the SGC." Sam nodded at the frame in his hand, "That was taken just after General O'Neill had bought her a dog – told her that it was law on earth for all children to have one."
Ronon looked at the photo of the smiling General and the young girl with an animal in her arms and the biggest grin on her face, and then up at the smiling Colonel.
"She's all grown up now," Sam adds and hands him another picture. It's a group photograph taken in someone's garden. Ronon glances at the faces, some he recognises, others he doesn't. Sam taps her finger on the image of a young woman and Ronon pulls the image forwards to get a better look. Sam has her arms wrapped around Cassie's shoulders and, he notices, the General is quite clearly doing the same to her. Sam notices his eyebrows rise, and then fall dramatically in order to hide his discovery.
"That was taken the weekend before I left for Atlantis," She says, remembering the barbeque that they had in her back garden.
"You're close."
Sam nods, not sure if that was a question or statement. Or which person he was referring to. "Janet died a few years ago... Cassie lives with me now. Well, when she's not at college and I'm not here..."
Sam tries desperately to cover up the emotions running through her but she knows she isn't doing a very good job when a lump appears in her throat. She swallows, hoping Ronon doesn't notice and watches as he reaches his hand into his pocket and pulls out a clear bottle containing several different pills.
"The doc says you need to take these," He says, chucking the bottle at her. Sam catches it and rotates it absentmindedly in her hand. "They're painkillers." Rising to his feet, he motions at her to open them. "I'll get you some water."
Sam watches as he disappears into her bathroom and reappears a moment later with a glass in his hand. "I have strict instructions to make sure that you take them."
And all of a sudden Sam wonders why. "Did you draw the short straw?" She asks. Ronon simply frowns at her. "Never mind." Sam shakes her head and swallows the pills before handing back the glass.
Ronon was still frowning at her previous question. With a nod he sets the glass down on the table and smiles. "Good night Colonel," he says before turning to leave.
Sam stares at the back of the door for several moments before shaking her head again. She closes her eyes and sighs. Painkillers have always messed with her mind.
When Sam opens her eyes the following morning, the first thing she sees is a pair of small eyes looking down at her. The figure steps back a bit, and Sam blinks, sunlight streaming through the window beside her.
"It's okay," Dr Keller whispers, a hand reaching out almost in defence. Sam blinks at the young woman and then turns her head to the figure on the other side of her bed. John Sheppard stands there awkwardly, hands behind his back and a sheepish look all over his face.
Sam glances between the two and then at her bedside clock. 10a.m. "You put sleeping pills in with the painkillers, didn't you?"
The doctor grimaces at the groan in the Colonel's voice. "We knew you wouldn't rest otherwise..."
"I could court martial you, you know," She throws over at John.
"Like you've never broken the rules..." He smirks and Sam resists the temptation to roll her eyes.
"Easy!" Jennifer cries the moment Sam moves to get up.
"I've hurt my leg not my head," Sam glares at the doctor as she leans forwards on the bed. Ignoring her grumble, Jennifer places another pillow behind her and helps her adjust to a sitting position.
"I was going to conduct a quick examination but..."
"Sorry," Sam mumbles and throws Jennifer a small smile. She stares at the medical bag as the doctor rummages through it for various bits of equipment, wondering just what exactly the doctor needs to examine a broken leg that is already in a cast.
The clearing of John's throat diverts her attention back to him but he begins even before she meets his eyes. "We're expecting a communication with the SGC in a little over two hours. I thought you might want to talk to them yourself regarding the incident, so Rodney's hooking up a way for the transmission to come through straight to your laptop. That way you can work from here."
"Your office has too many stairs," Jennifer adds, all matter of fact, "You need to rest for at least a few days – understood?"
Sam merely nods.
"He should be done in under an hour," John continues, "I'll send some paperwork along also, just so that you don't get bored..."
"Why thank you, John."
The sarcasm in her voice isn't lost on him and John smiles, returning it. "You're welcome. Anyway I'd better go check on him," he juts a thumb back towards the door, "Anything you need, just give me a shout."
At Sam's nod he turns and heads out of her quarters, and she almost hears his sigh of relief.
"What was up with him?" Sam asks once John has gone.
"Oh I think he felt a bit, you know... awkward being in here on his own." Jennifer shrugs, before sitting down on the bed beside Sam's feet. "Especially after conspiring to drug you an' all..."
Sam almost stared at the doctor open mouthed. "You don't need to be here do you?"
Jennifer simply smiled. "He called me an hour ago – asked if I'd come with him. He was worried, that's all. After all you're normally the first one up around here... not to mention the last one to turn in at night."
Sam leant her head back on the pillow and thought for a moment. She's never really thought much about her everyday actions before. Not in that way anyhow. She was always extra careful regarding any transmissions to and from Earth, always opting to take any non vital ones in her office just in case. Not that it really mattered – anything important Jack ever wanted to say was done via email or a DVD that Cassie had helped him with.
"Huh..."
"What?" Sam turned to look at Jennifer. She was holding one of the photo's from last night.
Sam must've fallen asleep pretty much after Ronon had left, as both were still right where he'd left them. That and the fact that the glass was still by her bedside table... and that she was still fully clothed from the night before.
Yep, strong drugs alright...
"This him?" Jennifer asks, turning the frame so that Sam can see. It's the one from her back garden. "Your 'Mr Washington'?"
Sam smiles. Jack would have a field day with that title.
"Thought I'd know him."
Sam shrugs. There's no point in denying it... She knew it was risky putting up a picture like that, but then she never thought that many people would gaze at the pictures by her bed like she did. Besides, she couldn't help herself. It really was a good picture – Daniel, Cam, Teal'c and Vala were all there too. Not to mention General's Hammond and Landry, Dr Lam and a few other SGC personnel. Most of them knew about her and Jack anyway – she hadn't thought anything of it, and none of them had batted an eye lid when he'd pulled her into a hug like that when Walter had took the photo.
She can see the grin on Jennifer's face as she speaks. "He's cute..."
Sam wrinkles her nose. "I prefer handsome myself..."
"No one here knows, do they?" Her voice was soft, simple even.
Sam simply shrugs. "Not something that easily comes up in conversation....Not when he used to be my CO, and certainly not when the military is involved."
"So how'd you get around it?" Jennifer asks, looking her in the eyes. She knew the rules.
"Well he's not my commanding officer anymore, wasn't when we got together actually...." She adds automatically, "Plus the President knows so..." Picking at the bedspread is so much more demanding than looking the doctor in the eyes.
"The President?!" Jennifer practically cried. "The President of the United States has given you permission?"
"Well, I wouldn't put it that way exactly..." Sam wrinkles her nose again. "More like we told him so that it wouldn't be an issue."
"Huh..." Jennifer says for the second time.
"What?"
"That's kinda cool...."
Several hours later and Sam is sitting alone on her bed, pillow on her lap to prevent her laptop from rubbing on the cast.
"How's the leg?" Jack asks. From the shelves in the background, Sam assumes he's sitting in Landry's office, his dress jacket and tie long discarded.
"Okay – it will heal."
"And you?" Jack asks with a raised eyebrow. He knows her too well.
"I'm...." The word 'fine' disappears and suddenly all the emotions from the previous night re-emerge in full force. Her vision blurs and tears silently spill down her cheeks. She *was* fine damn it!
"I'm sorry," Sam utters, wiping her face with the back of her hand, "Dr Keller's given me all these drugs and to be honest I was beginning to feel a bit numb, despite the fact I could really do with a beer-"
"Sam..." Jack's sigh cuts her off mid ramble.
"I miss you...."
Jack could detect the urgency in her voice, mixed with a little embarrassment and fear. "I'm sorry I wasn't there." He whispers; his voice betraying his guilt.
Sam shakes her head. "That's not what I meant. I was missing you before...."
"I miss you too."
Sam looks at him and smiles. His voice sounded so faint and distant, which in reality it was, but accompanied with the sincerity in his eyes, it made her want to cry even more.
"Don't look so surprised," He scolds.
"I'm not." She watches his eyebrow rise. "Well, maybe a little, it's just... It's just well, it's nice to hear it every once in a while."
A simple smile forms on Jack's face. "Indeed." That elicits a soft snort – just what he intended. "Talking of Teal'c, did I tell you about his new haircut?"
"No," Sam shakes her head and wipes at her eyes.
"Actually it's less of a cut, more of a... grow."
"Grow?" Sam frowns at his use of language as Jack waves his hand in the air in a poor attempt to describe it.
"Yeah – it's quite long actually. Mitchell and Daniel have started calling him T Diddy!"
"As in the rapper?!" Jack nods and watches as a giggle works its way up Sam's throat. "Really?!"
"You betcha!"
"Hasn't he got shaved hair?"
The look of confusion on his face is priceless and Sam can't help but let out a laugh.
"No..." Lie. More laughter. "No......"
They throw updates back and forth; natural banter and innuendos flying carelessly through the gate in no time. The grin on Sam's face becomes infectious, and before long Jack is sitting back in his seat watching as the tears dry on her cheeks.
His mission accomplished.