Sam

"Sam, you are going to bloody shut up and listen to me even if it kills you."

That stops me in my tracks. It's unheard of to hear that kind of language or tone of voice from Charlie Fairhead.

"You have no idea what's been going on – and yes, I agree that Connie should have told you both the truth, but she didn't know how to, so instead she just did what she normally does and tried to cope with it on her own. You are going to listen to me." He repeats. "Because Grace deserves to know that her mother hasn't abandoned her – and Connie deserves better as well." I stay quiet, and hear the rustle of paper on the other end of the phone. "This is something she wrote after counselling – she agreed to share it with me because I couldn't understand why she hadn't told you and she didn't know how to explain. She doesn't know that I'm reading it to you – and I can't imagine she'll be very happy if she finds out, but Duffy agreed that it seems to be the only way out of this bloody mess."

There's that word again.

"Listen...

I tried to tell Grace, but I kept getting her answer phone and I couldn't leave her a message like that – and Sam, well, I've got no idea how to talk to him after the way he left, or if he'd even pick up. I know if Sam had known, he would have brought her back straight away – deep down he's a decent man and a good father. Despite how much he hates me, he wouldn't have risked Grace losing her Mum without having the chance to say goodbye, but I looked so awful. I didn't want her to see me like that. When it got serious, it happened so quickly and I knew he wouldn't be able to get her back in time. I tried to ring her before I had the surgery, but I got her answer machine again.

Was I really going to leave my little girl a message saying that I was having emergency surgery for cancer and she might never see me again? - Or her Dad for that matter – was I going to tell Sam that?

They're angry at me and I can't really blame them. They don't know how ill I've been, so it must seem to Grace that I've just abandoned her again – chosen work over her. She doesn't know that I'd jump on a plane right now if I could.

I don't know how Sam feels any more – about anything. I imagine he's very angry on Grace's behalf though.

The message I left the day I was supposed to fly out to Colorado, I lied. I chickened out of leaving a message to say I was ill. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so instead I told her I had to work. I thought it would be better for her to be angry then upset. I wanted her to imagine me as the strong, stubborn mother she's always known rather than a weak sickly-looking woman who's body had taken a beating and who's hair was falling out.

I didn't want to worry either of them – and I made the mistake of thinking I was immortal. I always have. I never thought there was even a chance the cancer might kill me – not until it was nearly too late anyway.

I would have flown out to Colorado regardless of how ill I was – even after I'd collapsed that day. I just wanted to spend Christmas with Grace and Sam – even if it was my last one. I even tried to get Ethan to call the taxi to pick me up from the hospital, but he told me it had been taken out of my hands. I was admitted while I was unconscious and I wasn't allowed to leave. I think they would have handcuffed me to the bed if I had tried – and I probably wouldn't have got far without collapsing again, if I had managed to leave. Charlie said the airport wouldn't have let me onto the plane anyway. It was pretty obvious that I was ill.

I'm still having the Chemo – and I'm meant to be more or less restricted to bed rest to aid my recovery – but even if I wasn't, I can't just fly out there now because they won't talk to me – or even see me. They ignore my emails and they've changed their numbers. For all I know, they might have moved house. I've tried to write to them, but my letters are returned unopened – whether they have moved or whether they know my writing and just send the letters back, I don't know.

They're both very angry and they've made it clear they don't want anything to do with me. They've abandoned me – because they think I've abandoned them.

I have no idea how to put this right.

Work is the only thing I have left now, but it doesn't make up for not having Sam and Grace. They are everything and I should have told them that while I had the chance.

I'll never have the family I wanted now.

...So you see, Sam? It's not the way you think at all. She was trying to protect you both from seeing her like that. She survived against all odds – just before the surgery, she didn't expect to, but she did - and now she doesn't know what to do."

I can't speak. The tears are pouring out – I had no idea how close we'd come to losing her, or how lonely she must have be.

"Sam...?" Charlie repeats.

"We're coming." I mutter. "I'm going to pick Grace up and we're coming now." I hesitate. "She's ok, now – right? Connie – I mean, you said she survived – does that mean she's better?"

I have to know if there's a chance we could still lose her.

"She's still having chemo... – but they had to do emergency surgery to remove the tumour – which was successful." He tells me. "There's more – I've only touched the surface, Sam, but the details can wait until you're here – she looks a lot better than she did, but just warn Grace that her Mum doesn't look quite the way she used to."...

At Grace's school...

"I need to speak to the headmistress."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but I need to speak to her – it's an emergency!" I state desperately, leaning on the reception desk at Grace's school. "Please!"

"How can I help you, Mr Strachan?" The kindly headteacher appears behind me. "Come this way."

"I need to take Grace." I say, sitting down. I'm aware that I'm flustered and talking too fast. I try my best to slow down. "I've just found out that her Mum's been seriously ill – which is why we didn't get to see her over Christmas-"

"Yes, Grace told me about that – she was very disappointed." Mrs Jones nods.

"Yes, well, it turns out that her Mum has had Cancer – I don't know the details yet – just that she's had emergency surgery to remove a tumour and she's still having chemotherapy." I explain.

Mrs Jones reaches for the phone off her desk. "Then of course, Mr Strachan - you must take your daughter to see her mother...Hello?" She says down the phone after dialling for the reception desk. "I need to see Grace Beauchamp-Strachan tin my office immediately, please – with her school bags. Thank you." She puts the phone down. "Grace should be here soon. Take her out for as long as you need, Mr Strachan – and please, don't worry about her school work. We can sort that out via email once you know what's happening." She pauses. "Grace was hurt when she didn't get to see her Mum at Christmas, but she never believed that her Mum had abandoned her – she told me that there would be a good reason."

"Really?" I almost stammer. When I look back, it makes sense. I was angry, but Grace was just upset – and she was even more upset when I asked her to change her number without telling her Mum. She agreed for me, but I shouldn't have done that – I had no right. Just like I had no right to 'intercept' Connie's letters and emails. It was wrong – and it made it seem even more like Connie had abandoned us.

The way I left was wrong too. I meant what I said - I wanted us to be a family, but I never thought in a million years that Connie would agree. She didn't at first, but then she started to thaw. Her saying 'no' was a sort of safety net and when that disappeared, I just freaked out. I told myself the most awful things about Connie – things I'm really ashamed of. I told myself that everything Grace had been through in the past year was totally down to Connie. I told myself that Grace's long, tedious recovery only happened because her mother had upset a patient to the point she drove them off the road. I blamed Connie for letting them take Grace in the air ambulance – and for the fact that it crashed. I blamed Connie for everything – and told myself that Grace and I would be happier without her. I feel even more awful about that now because in our ignorance, we nearly lost her.

As I expected, Connie threatened lawsuits and all sorts at first. I can't deny I enjoyed that. It was childish, but I admit I can be quite immature at times and I was disappointed when the threats suddenly stopped. I should have known then that something was wrong – the Connie Beauchamp I know wouldn't just give up on her daughter like that. I should have dropped everything and come back. When she sent that message to Grace saying that she suddenly 'had to work' over Christmas, I was just so angry. I believed that once again, Connie had chosen her job over her daughter – in reality, she never has, she's just done what she thinks is the best thing for Grace. It might have been badly misguided sometimes, but doing your best for your child - that's what parenting is about – Connie's a much better mother than she thinks.

I can see now that Grace never believed the message Connie left. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, Grace's faith in her mother's love for her has never wavered since we left. I should have paid more attention to my daughter but I directed her down the path I wanted to follow. She said her Mum didn't sound right – I should have done more listening instead of just talking.

There's a knock at the door. "Come in." Mrs Jones calls.

Grace comes in. "You wanted to see me, Mrs Jones?" She says brightly – though she seems slightly nervous. She probably thinks she's in trouble. Her headteacher indicates me. "Daddy!" Grace exclaims. "What are you doing here?"

"Sit down, Grace." Mrs Jones tells her kindly. "Your Dad needs to explain something."

Grace sits down and looks at me. "It's Mummy, isn't it? Something's happened."

I nod. "Gracie, I've just found out that your Mum didn't come at Christmas because she's been very ill-"

"Cancer?" She asks before I can explain further.

I stare at her. She's the daughter of two doctors – and she's very smart, but how could she possibly know that?

She shrugs. "It had to be something big to stop her from coming to see us."

"Yes." I answer- trying to recover my shock. "She's had the tumour removed but she's still having Chemotherapy. I don't know any more details yet – Charlie said he'll tell us more when we get there-"

Grace jumps to her feet excitedly. "We're going to England to see Mummy?"

"Yes, we are – we're going to the airport now. I need you to warn you though sweetheart, your Mum might look a bit...different at the moment."...

At the airport...

"Daddy, we're on the plane now – we can't do anything else, so will you please ring Charlie and find out more? Please!" Grace begs me.

I sigh and send him a text.

'Hi Charlie, we are on the plane. If it's convenient, please will you ring me and tell me more? Sam.'

I pray that it's not too long before he answers – and that it is convenient. It won't go down well with Grace if it's not.

Thankfully, he rings me straight away.

"That was lucky." He says. "I was just going on my break."

"What kind of tumour was it Charlie?" I ask. Being a doctor it's one of my burning questions.

"It was in her heart." He answers. "Yes, Sam." He adds, hearing me catch my breath. "I hate to say it, but had you been here here, you would have probably noticed she was ill – and like it or not, you do seem to have a way of making her listen to you"

I think back to the scene in the cupboard before Grace and I left. He's right – she didn't just argue, she was listening to me even before I kissed her.

"As it was, Connie kept her condition to herself." Charlie continues. "Eventually,Ethan worked it out because she was mentoring him and he put two and two together, but she swore him to secrecy, so until the point where she collapsed – she had no other support. Ethan said she was in complete denial over it and it took him a long time to persuade her to have any kind of treatment at all. He didn't dare break her confidence in case she refused more treatment."

"Too bloody stubborn for her own good." I mutter – forgetting that my daughter is sat patiently next to me. She doesn't react to my comment.

"Indeed." Charlie agrees. "The rest of us didn't find out until the day she was meant to flying out to see you. She wasn't supposed to be working that day, but we were short-staffed so Hassen pulled her in – he said she could still get her flight later as planned." Charliee sighs. "She didn't look at all well, when she came in, Sam – most of us just assumed she was going down with the bug that was going around. What we didn't know, was that she's had two cycles of Chemo by then and carried on working regardless – despite Ethan trying to stop her. I'd heard them arguing a few times – but I had no idea what it was about – it was none of my business, so I didn't ask. When she collapsed in Resus, Ethan had no choice but to tell us what she'd been hiding. It turned out, she had picked up an infection because her immune system was compromised by the Chemo - and the treatment wasn't working either, so the tumour was still growing. She wasn't well enough to travel, Sam – not that it stopped her from trying. She was still planning to get a taxi to the airport at that point."

"Is that when she had the surgery?" I ask, aware that Grace's patience with soon run out. She wants to know everything.

"No." Charlie answers. "No one at Holby would operate because of the infection – Connie was too weak and they didn't think that she would survive the operation – and Jac – who is obviously the best heart surgeon here, was out of action anyway. Of course, that wasn't good enough for Connie. She was told she had to wait for a few days for the infection to clear, - but her condition was moving very swiftly at that point, Sam. She probably didn't have a few days left – and Connie knew that. She knew she was going to die without immediate surgery and she was determined to take what ever risks she had to - in order to increase her chances of seeing her daughter again." He sighs. "She told Ethan that a doctor she went to college with had agree to do the surgery at a hospital in London. Well, the first part was true – she did go to college with Professor Cornell. Connie persuaded Ethan to drive her to London-"

"And he agreed?" I retort indignantly.

"I believe..." Charlie responds. "Connie had already discharged herself and was sat in the back of her car, when she handed him the keys and threatened to get a taxi if he didn't drive her there"

"Oh." I agree. "Yes, that sounds like Connie."

"Well, when they got to the hospital, it turned out that Professor Cornell didn't know anything about it – and once she did, she also refused to operate – stating that Connie would not survive the surgery. Professor Cornell was her last option, so Connie had no choice but to accept it. I believe that Ethan took her out in London after that, but they had some sort of argument – I don't know what it was about. He said she went back to her hotel room on her own. He followed, but she wouldn't open the door or answer her phone so he went into a pub and rang me. When I rang the hotel, they informed me that a hotel maid had found Connie unconscious in the bath and she'd been rushed to hospital – where Professor Cornell was performing emergency surgery to remove the tumour. She fell unconscious because the tumour obstructed her heart valve, Sam – luckily for her when she passed out – it moved again. So..." He finishes. "Connie got what she wanted in the end – but no one expected her to survive – least of all her. Professor Cornell gave her strict instructions afterwards that she was on bed rest and needed some more Chemotherapy. She having the Chemo back at Holby now – staying at the hospital. She's not best pleased about having to take up a bed, but the doctors aren't convinced that she will follow instructions if she goes home – and there's no one to make sure she does. She wouldn't agree to 'impose' on Duffy and I as she put it."

I have trouble knowing what to say,now that I know everything – but Charlie seems aware of this.

"I'll let you go now – so you can talk to Grace. My break's nearly over anyway. Let me know when you get here. I'll meet you in the ED reception and take you to see Connie – she'll be in her Chemo session by then."

"Well?" Grace presses me when I put my mobile down, so I do my best to repeat what Charlie told me. She listens avidly and doesn't say a word until I've finished.

"Why didn't Mummy tell us she was ill?" She asks.

"She didn't want to worry us, darling." I explain quietly. "And Charlie said that she looked quite ill before she had the surgery. She didn't want you to see her like that. Besides -" I add. "You know what Mummy's like – she's stubborn and thinks she can do everything on her own."

"Too bloody stubborn for her own good." Grace retorts, copying me from earlier.

I should have known I wouldn't get away with that!