There are too many referrals to Lupins "Time of the Month" to ignore. I don't know if something like this has been done before, but I feel like writing one.
James was frustrated. The answer to the question simply would not come.
It was most likely one of the questions you spend hours on doing, each time scrapping the older answer just because it had some miniscule error. Then when the new answer comes out, you scrap it again because of some other miniscule error. It goes on and on and on for hours until you finally figure out the answer, only to realise it was so flipping obvious you are seriously questioning your intellect.
Times like this rarely ever happens to James. After all, he was very gifted in, well, almost everything. When he hits a dead end, all he had to do is ask his parents who are more than willing to help their only bundle of joy to succeed.
The only problem is now that James is at his first year of Hogwarts, his parents are quite out of reach. Unless he suddenly acquires a super speedy owl that can take his letter from Hogwarts to wherever the heck his manor is, the answer just would not come fast enough to young James curious liking.
He doubts his parents know the answer to the question anyway.
It was a problem.
When he doesn't have his parents, he would ask his best pal Sirius. He was also very clever, but the he lacks proper common sense. In truth, all eleven year olds lack common sense but in Sirius it has proved to be more than just average. Sirius just doesn't seem to have the common sense part of the brain; he would yell randomly in class and had even the courage (or stupidity, whichever you prefer) to drink botuber pus when asked. Maybe he didn't develop properly or something… Plus, Sirius was wondering the same question actually, he was the one who brought it up so he couldn't possibly know the answer.
What about the teachers? They seem to know everything and be smart enough.
James debated with himself seriously for three days to ask the teachers this question. But when he did finally pose the question to Professor McGonagall, all she did was look shocked, then stern, offer him a biscuit (which James found strange) and shooed him out of her office on the grounds of "This is a personal question. I am under rules not to give you an answer." It was a strange answer, and it didn't make any sense.
So James was left alone, without an answer to the question that was burning inside of him. He even tried to let his morning cereal spell out the answer, but he really did not expect that to work. He didn't really think 'Ooooo' was the answer. Especially after that Cheerios can only spell 'Ooooo' and nothing else.
The good old fashioned cootie catcher did nothing either.
He was left with three options – Ask that fat kid he sort of knows, go to the library, or ask that other kid directly.
James caught up with Peter during a particularly interesting charms lesson thanks to Alice Manson materialising a dart out of her wand and shooting it across the room by accident at Professor Flitwick.
"Hey Peter, I was wondering this thing, you see…" James explained the question.
"… Really? Uh… I dunno…"
Of course asking Peter proved to be useful. Hint at the sarcasm.
Now James was pissed. He'll have to break his vow of never setting his foot in the library he made with Sirius. Making that decision, he was irritated for an entire day following up to James gritted his teeth and stepped into the library, angry that the stupid question had contemned him to this.
The dreaded library.
After gagging on the musty smell of books for a full half hour twitching on the carpeted floor (arousing stares from everyone), he stood up and asked the librarian –
Whoa, he thought.
That's the librarian?
Dumbledore was sure he didn't accidentally hire a vulture?
He shook his head. He has too many questions swimming in his head. He'll need to deal with that one after he's done with this one.
"Excuse me, er, madam…"
"Right that way through the bookshelves marked A-A." The vulture said without even looking up from polishing Beings or Beasts? A study of Half-Breeds.
"Er, thanks…" James went in the direction the vulture pointed to, and craned his neck to look at the book titles.
He flew like a MadmanNope.
"It wasn't an accident!" autobiography of Roderick PlumptonFunny… but nope.
The Noble Sport of WarlocksOkay then.
Quidditch Through The AgesNone of these books are what he was looking for. James sighed and leaned against the bookshelf. He only has one option left.
Ask the kid himself.
Oh the horror.
James was a confident person overall. He liked to interact and socialise with people. The problem is that the question might offend the kid…
He spotted the kid. The kid just emerged from another row of bookshelves. He sat down carefully on one of the round library tables and cracked open a dusty, leather bound book on charms.
James knew that rule number one of social interaction was to remember the person's name. One problem is that James cannot remember names to save his life, and that is the reason why he liked to give people nicknames. It wasn't even the third month, and he already coined half of the people in the school. The cute red-haired girl he would call 'red', an as for her hooked nosed friend, 'Snivellus' because that's the sound he makes whenever Snivellus breathes through his big nose.
James could call his kid by the nickname he gave him… what is it again… oh right, Moony. The fellow was always daydreaming.
Time for action.
He randomly grabbed a book from the shelf and sat down on the same table right across from Moony. Without even pretending to read or do work first, he blurted out –
"Are you a girl?"
A long silence followed. The occasional rustling of paper only broke the daunting, long, impenetrable, all consuming silence. It was very awkward.
At long last, Moony looked up slowly from his book and into James' face with a 'wtf are you talking about?' expression on his face.
"Um, no?"
"Ooooh…"
Now James was embarrassed. But he's got his answer.
"Why would you think I was a girl?" Moony asked.
"Well, you miss class about five days consecutively every month, I was thinking that maybe you had, I dunno… bad period cramps or something… And you always seems to be daydreaming and working hard on your work… all the dudes I know couldn't – what's so funny?"
Moony had been laughing hysterically since James said 'bad period cramps'
"That's why you thought I was a girl?"
"Yeah, basically. I was wondering what you were doing in the boys dormitories."
Moony just laughed and laughed. It got them both kicked out of the library, but somehow James felt free. No more questions nagging on the back of his head. He waited until Moony calmed down.
"I see you like Quidditch." Moony remarked, looking at the book James still clutched unnoticed in his hands. James glanced downwards to the book: it was Quidditch Through the Ages.
"Oh, nah, I just got it because… I don't know. Quidditch is awesome though. I love the Appleby Arrows, theyre so good. Have you seen their chasers? Scored fifteen goals in ten minutes!" James happily exclaimed.
"Oh, really? That's remarkable! Nice talking to you by the way. I'm Remus Lupin."
So that's what his name is! James thought happily.
"Can I call you Moony? I can't remember names that well… I'll probably remember yours over time, but for now…?"
"Moony…" Remus thought aloud, "I like it. Got to go, see ya around…"
Just as he left, Sirius came around the corner. He looked indignant.
"Oh, that's right isn't it? You go into the library without me knowing, and borrow a crappy old Quidditch book! You broke our vow!"
James waved his hand, "Whatever. Listen, I found out about that thing we were wondering. Moony's not a girl!"
"Really? So he doesn't have period cramps. Good on you. We'll have to renew out vow of never setting foot in the library though…"
"Great! I hated that place. What do you say from now to our OWL year?" James suggested.
"Sounds good."
James opened the book just by about an inch as Sirius was not looking. He found a very amusing picture of a keeper hanging off his broom. He read the passage following it.
Starfish and Stick
Keeper defence; the Keeper holds the broom horizontally with one hand and one foot curled around the handle, while keeping all limbs outstreatched (see Fig G). The Starfish without stick should never be attempted.
Pretty good book, James thought, tucking it in his bag as opposed to his original plan of throwing it back into the library at the Vulture.
Hope you enjoyed this crappy bit of random garbage I decided to call a oneshot.