The Origin of Gallade, by Dickfart
"Youngster Joey, I'm gonna tell you a bedtime story," said great grandma Joey, youngster Joey's namesake.
"Aww, but I'm too old for bedtime stories, granny. I already have a top percentage Rattata," Joey said.
Raticate rested quietly in its ball, vowing to kill Joey for every time he kept calling it Rattata.
"Dagnabbit, boy. I'm 103 years old. I could die any minute. Let me tell you my fucking story, you ungrateful raps-scallion!" she barked, spittle flying every which way, her breath smelling of hospital rooms, stale cigarettes, and old people smell.
"Oh, all right," said Joey, wiping the spit off his face. Great grandma Joey tucked him in with her arthritic hands and even handed him his favorite Teddiursabear.
"This is the story of Gallade. Gallade is a tragic creature, really. Unnatural, unattractive, and not at all necessary, like many Pokemon who evolve through the use of stones. New fangled stone evolution. Bah! Back in my day, Pokemon evolved the natural way, by leveling up!"
"Granny, that's racist," said Joey.
"Quiet, boy. I was raised in a time where I could give you a good whack with my wooden spoon and hear nothing of it." Great grandma Joey coughed, wheezed, and continued. "What was I talking about?"
"Gallade," said Joey.
"Oh, right. Gallade is a tragic creature, really. Unnatural, unattractive, and not at all necessary, like many Pokemon who evolve through the use of stones. Gallade in particular, though, is an unhappy accident that occurred in Sinnoh back in ancient times, when pokemon catching and training was much less common and had no government regulations. Democrats ruined Pokemon for us all..."
"You're getting off topic, granny," Joey moaned. "Gallade is an unhappy accident because...?"
"I don't remember," she said, and then she remembered. "Oh yes. It's said to have started with a Neanderthal named Steve, who lived in the deep wilderness of Sinnoh with his trusty Kirlia. Well, one day, Kirlia was quite hungry. So hungry that he swallowed an entire watermelon whole. This made Kirlia sick, and since this was back before government regulated Pokemon Health Care facilities picking at my retirement fund because of FUCKING DEMOCRATS..."
"GRANNY!"
"Oops, did I get off topic again? Where was I, boy?"
"Kirlia swallowed a watermelon, got sick, and Pokemon Centers weren't invented yet."
"Oh yes. Steve took his beloved Kirlia through forests, mountains, over the sea, and through the plains, consulting healers, doctors, herbologists, and even some strange fellers performing sinful pagan witch magic. Nothing worked, though, and Steve thought for sure that his Kirlia would die, until Mew came to him one night with what is said to be the first ever Sun Stone.
""Will this cure my friend?" Steve asked the Mew, and Mew squeaked and flew off as it was wont to do. Steve cried, for his dearest friend was writhing in pain, unable to move, eat, or battle. Steve pressed the magical stone to Kirlia, desperate for a cure. Once the stone touched Kirlia, it began to evolve. Naturally Steve expected a Gardevoir, as that is what Kirlia is meant to evolve into; however, because Steve, though his intentions were good, still trusted the false prophet Mew and sinned by using a stone in a desperate attempt to save his Kirlia. This new and unnatural creature, Gallade, is cursed to have its bowels obstructed by an entire watermelon for all eternity, just like homosexuals."
"Wow..." said Joey, frowning. "That story was really... bad."
"I didn't hear what you said, dear, but I must go. Sweet dreams, dimply wimply," said great grandma Joey, pinching Joey's cheek. Then she grabbed her walker and took an entire twenty minutes to leave the room. Joey had long since fallen asleep by the time she was out the door.
Meanwhile, Raticate was still in its ball, tempted to smother his trainer while he slept, but Joey was such a crappy trainer that Raticate still wasn't strong enough to pull even that off. He'd just have to hold out hope that Lyra and Ethan would get tired of his 3am calls, track him down, and beat the shit out of him.
The End