Innocence Lost
This is for greektsik13. They gave me the idea for this story and I just added all the details and put a pretty little bow on it. Hope you like it!
Warning: This could possibly be found as disturbing.
Tony woke to a white Christmas, just as he hoped. He bounded out of his room and downstairs to the living room. There, in the corner of the room, was the huge green Christmas tree that he picked out himself. Under the tree lay tons of presents wrapped carefully. It was what any little boy Tony's age would have wanted. There had to be every toy made that year at his disposal, but for some reason, Tony wasn't happy. He was upset.
"Good morning, Tony. It looks like Santa brought you a treat this year," his mother said. "Why don't you start opening everything?"
Tony nodded wearily. He knew that he was acting selfish, he was told all the time. He didn't want to act selfish but he felt as though he couldn't help it. He asked for one thing and one thing only. He knew for a fact that it wasn't under that tree, so he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.
"Okay mama," he sighed. He approached the presents and ripped the first one that he found open. It was a red RC car. It was cool and all, but it just didn't excite Tony like it should've. For his mother's sake, he feigned happiness and tore open the box with false eagerness. He glanced over his shoulder to see his mom smiling warmly at him. She bought it. He continued opening the presents that included some plastic dump trucks and little green army men. It was all really nice and he was treated well, but it just didn't feel right.
Soon enough, there was green and red wrapping paper scattered across the room, but the one thing that Tony wanted wasn't there and it never was going to appear. As soon as his mom left the room, Tony plopped down on the couch with a heavy sigh. He held his head in his hands, shaking it slowly. He was being selfish; he had anything a boy would want. Why did he feel as if it wasn't enough?
"Tony, it looks like there's still one more present under the tree," his mother commented. Her voice made him jump. He didn't realize that she'd entered the room again.
"Oh. Okay," he mumbled. He walked up to the box. This one had different wrapping paper that was red, white, and blue. It had a red bow tied on the outside. For a moment, Tony got extremely excited. It was different than the rest, maybe it was what he wanted! Then reality came crashing down on him again. This box was too small to hold the present he so desperately wanted. It was impossible. At that point, he abandoned all hope that his Christmas present was going to arrive. It was too late.
"Go on, open it," Maria encouraged him. He looked up at him, pure sadness evident, but she didn't comment on it. He wasn't even sure if she cared enough to realize that Tony was upset. That was okay by him, though, because he didn't want her to know.
He carefully unwrapped the red, white, and blue paper. He didn't want to know what it was because it wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what he needed. When the paper came off, he scowled at the plastic rectangle that was lying in his hands. He unclipped the latches and opened the box. It was a 10 inch action figure of Captain America. He plucked it out of its box and chucked it across the room as hard as he could. What kind of sick joke was that supposed to be?
"Tony, what is wrong with you? Santa Claus brought that specifically for you. That was a special gift!" she scolded him.
He didn't care. Frustrated tears were forming in his eyes. "Santa Claus isn't real, mama," he whispered angrily. "If he was, he would've known exactly what I wanted and he'd give it to me. He would've known that I didn't want these toys," he said, voice rising steadily. "He would've known!" he screamed. He stormed out of the room and travelled up to his room, slamming the door shut behind him.
He knew he was being a spoiled brat. He did, but honestly, he didn't give a shit. Those kids that weren't lucky enough to have those toys could come and get them because he didn't want them. He didn't care for them at all. He appreciated it, but it wasn't good enough.
Moments later, a knock came on his door. "Tony, what's wrong?" Maria's voice asked. Tony didn't reply. She waited a short moment and realized that an answer wasn't coming. If he wasn't going to tell her, she wasn't going to waste her time on him. He got all those toys, and he was still upset. She couldn't help but feel a little bit ashamed of her son.
When Tony was sure that his mother had left, he got straight to work. He was six; he was old enough to do something worthwhile. So, something worthwhile he was going to do. That was the day that he built his first motor. Not that anyone cared. No one cared about him, so why should they care about the six year old's impressive work? They shouldn't, that's why. If his father, the missing present to a perfect Christmas, wasn't proud of him, then why should anyone else be? He sat on his bed, gently caressing his work with his fingertips. It wasn't possible for an engine to abandon him, to turn its back on him like all the others, was it? He sure hoped not because he wasn't sure if his tiny body could handle another let down. That was the day that Tony Stark grew up and faced the facts.
That was the day that Tony Stark lost his innocence.
Tony sauntered down the stairs. It was just another ordinary day and it was getting tiresome. Wake up, shower, eat breakfast, study, eat lunch, study, eat dinner, study, and go to bed. He did enjoy his studies, but after a while, he was just sick of it. His mother was always going out to some party or charity event halfway around the world, so she was barely there for him. His father was always out searching for a dead man in who knows where. Occasionally, Obadiah would be around, but more often than not, he was busy. So, he was alone most of the time. It didn't necessarily bother him, he enjoyed the silence, but he tended to get lonesome at times.
So, there he was, repeating the same old routine in the same old environment. What he didn't expect, though, was his father stumbling in the front door, a bottle of whiskey clenched tightly in his hand.
"Howard," Tony greeted sourly. He tried to keep any sign of shock off his face because he wanted to show no weakness in front of this man. He sat at the table, eating his bowl of cheerios and milk, not making eye contact with the man. His staggered steps came closer until Tony could smell the acrid alcohol floating from his mouth. Howard pressed his face up close to Tony's.
"Why don't you do somethin' useful for once in your life, boy?" he slurred. "I didn' have a kid for him to sit on his ass all day," he mumbled.
"I was just finishing breakfast. When I'm done, I'm going to study. Is there a problem with that?" he retorted rebelliously.
Howard pulled his face back abruptly, almost tipping over. "Actually, I do have a problem with that. You should be makin' something useful by now, not readin' about it. You should know 'dis stuff already." His intoxication along with his words disgusted Tony.
"I'm fifteen, what do you want me to do? Was making a circuit board at four not good enough for you? Was making a motor at six not good enough for you? I'm planning on building Artificial Intelligence. I just have to research some more things before I begin. Is that not enough for you? What do you want me to do to satisfy you? It shouldn't even matter because you're always out there searching for some guy that's most likely dead. You always rant about how he was so freaking amazing and how I should be more like him. Well, here I am. If you stopped searching for that damned Captain America and looked at your own son for once, maybe you'd be proud," he spat fiercely.
Howard opened his mouth to say something, but Tony cut him off.
"You know, when I was six, on Christmas day, I went downstairs thinking that for once my father would be there. I was foolish enough to believe that you would be there for once just because I asked Santa Claus. Sometimes I wonder how I could possibly be so ridiculous. Then I remember that I was six years old. I was fucking six years old and I believed that you'd be there. I believed in miracles," he shouted. "The pathetic thing is that it would have been a miracle if you were there for me. It shouldn't have to be considered a miracle if a father is there for his son. That should just be a daily thing. Then you come home and you're fucking drunk and-"
Howard backhanded Tony. Hard. It held enough force to snap Tony's head to the side. He reached a hand up to feel his stinging cheek. He looked up at the man that he once called his father with defiance. There was an icy look in Howard's eyes. Tony stood abruptly and walked calmly to his room as if nothing ever happened in the first place. He couldn't deal with a drunken Howard again. Before, it was under control. Angry words would be exchanged then both men would go their separate ways. Never had Howard hit him before.
Tony slammed his door shut behind him, locking it with an audible click. He let out a frustrated growl then proceeded with his studies like he planned to do in the first place. He was going to gather that information that he needed to build an AI. It would be useful and it would prove Howard wrong. Tony was a genius. He knew it. He knew that there would be things for him to accomplish that would make any other family proud. Not his family, of course. That didn't matter, though. He realized for the first time in his life that nothing that he ever did was ever going to satisfy Howard. Nothing. So, he gave up on trying. It wasn't about Howard anymore. It was about him and what he thought was good. He was done playing his childish game, trying to find the good in Howard because he knew that it wasn't there. There was nothing but a shallow, black soul that had nothing to offer. If there was nothing to offer, then there was nothing to take either. Tony was done with that.
He read on about everything and nothing, absorbing all the knowledge that the book had to offer. It had more to offer than Tony's own father had. It didn't matter, though, because Tony had himself and that's all he needed. What a lie that was.
Downstairs, there were heavy and uneven footsteps pacing around. Glass objects were being thrown to the ground, shattering on the impact. Tony couldn't help but wince every time a new object would smash into glittering pieces. Swears accompanied every breaking thing.
"That damned boy!" Smash. "Good for nothing piece of shit!" Smash. "Stupid bastard!" Smash.
It continued for minutes, making Tony wonder why there were so many breakable objects held in the house. Finally, when he felt like he was ready to punch the wall, the smashing stopped and a distinct thud vibrated through the vicinity. Howard finally passed out. Tony couldn't help but feel giddy with relief. The monster had been tamed, at least for a little.
He continued reading, but the words meant nothing. His mind couldn't stay away from Howard long enough to read a full sentence. He was angry. He never felt rage as strong as that day course through his body before. That was the day that Tony realized that Howard was too far gone and was never going to return.
That was the day that Tony Stark lost his spirit.
Tony learned quickly that he had to cover up his broken self with sarcasm and his cocky attitude. It was like tar that could fill in the ragged cracks that were permanently etched into him. No matter how easily he could fix everything, the shattered pieces were still there. It wasn't as obvious, but it was there nonetheless.
There he was, graduation day at MIT. He managed to keep everyone at arms distance, not wanting to deal with any more people. His cocky attitude helped with a lot of that. Everyone there claimed that he was narcissistic but he couldn't have been any further from that. Narcissism was technically what he was going for because, really, everyone hates a person that loves themselves, so he must have been putting up a good front for the past years. He wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.
In all honesty, he hated himself. He knew that he really shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. Ever since he was a young kid, he learned that everything about him was wrong. People were always criticizing him, so he finally believed it. That was only for a moment, though. When he was a kid and his parents told him that he wasn't good enough, he believed them. As he grew, he found that he could do some pretty amazing things, no matter what people said.
As he was waiting for his name to be called at graduation, he pondered the subject of his life once again. Just as he did when he was a child, he hated himself. The person that he exposed to everyone wasn't really him. It wasn't right for him to do that. He was hiding behind an impenetrable wall, and that just wasn't fair. These people deserved to see the real Tony Stark, didn't they? Maybe, but he could never trust the human race enough to accept the real him and he just wasn't sure if he was ready for that. So, the wall remained, unbreakable and tall, keeping the world out and him in. There wasn't a better system out there for him.
"Tony Stark."
That was the moment. He was graduating MIT at the age of seventeen summa cum laude. For once, maybe he could see his mother and father sitting together in a crowd, smiling at him. Whether it was a real smile or just for the other people to see, he didn't care. He just wanted to see his dad smile soberly at him and he just wanted to see his mom's face again, happy for once.
He stepped up to the stage, accepting the diploma and smiling for the cameras. He searched the crowd desperately for his parents, but the seats reserved for them were empty. How stupid of him. He seriously thought that his parents would show up at the most important day of his life. He should've known.
He stepped off the stage, his fake smile dropping. It really shouldn't have bothered him. He didn't really adore his parents and his parents didn't adore him, so he should've been alright with them not being there. But something pulled him down and made him feel a little upset.
A large hand thumped Tony on the shoulder. Obadiah's loud voice said, "I'm proud of you, boy."
Tony looked up at Obie's smiling face. At least someone who meant something to him was there. Tony did like Obadiah more than he did his parents, so his mood improved a little bit.
"Thanks Obie. Do you know where my parents are? I thought you said that they would show up."
Obadiah's smile dropped immediately at the mention of his parents. That wasn't surprising.
"Tony… Your parents didn't make it here. There was an accident. Your father was drunk and managed to drive himself off the highway. They died immediately."
Obadiah was always one to get to the point. Tony nodded slowly, taking the information in. Sure, he was a little upset, but not as much as anyone else would expect a boy who just lost his parents to be.
"I'm sorry, Tony," he apologized sincerely.
"Honestly, Obie, it's okay. It's not like they were ever saints toward me. Can we just go home?"
Obadiah's grim expression turned into one of shock for a moment, but he just nodded at the boy's request.
His parents' funeral was scheduled for the following Saturday. At first, he convinced himself that he was going to go. If not for him, then for the press. When the day came, though, he decided he couldn't be bothered enough. He would just have to make up some speech about how his parents always supported him and loved him and blah, blah, blah. He didn't think he could put up with one more of those ridiculous lies. Because that's all they were. Lies.
He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling and just thinking. He thought about himself and about his parents. They were dead and he couldn't give a fuck. They were dead, never to be seen or heard or talked to again. He didn't care. That was the day he realized what a terrible person he was.
That was the day that Tony Stark lost himself.
Hmm, that was… I don't know. What did you guys think? Do you think I'm a disturbing person now? I wouldn't blame you if you did. Here's the thing, I really want to hear what you guys thought about this. Please, please, please review this for me to make me happy. I'd really appreciate it. Like… a lot. Is there anything that was bad and that needed to be changed? I need criticism. Anyway, I want you all to thank greektsik13 if you liked this. Technically it was his/her idea. I just hope that this was what you were looking for, greeksik13. Thanks for reading and don't forget to review!
Starkanium