Title: King of Pain
Author: Cyrelia J
E-mail: QAdelB147@aol.com
Disclaimers: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters. I also don't own the song King of Pain by The Police.
Spoilers: I don't think so, but I probably took some liberties with history ^^
Summary: Past and Present Severus is dealing with an eating disorder
Rating: NC-17 for content
Pairings: HP/SS (of course ^_^) mention of LM/NM
Warnings: Well, eating disorder, massive angst and um... well non bastard Lucius (So no one falls over dead from shock ^^)
Archive: Sure why not ^_^;

King of Pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
That's my soul up there
It's the same old thing as yesterday
That's my soul up there
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
That's my soul up there
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop
That's my soul up there

The boy trembles, kneeling in front of the cool porcelain. The contents have long swirled down the drain but he hasn't been able to bring himself to move; in case there's more shame to purge from his body. His face is damp with sweat. Slick, black, strands shine, staying plastered to his skin. The back of his quaking hand wipes the sweat from his brow as he turns away slumping forward. Hands wipe themselves off on the stained fabric of his robe still trembling. They clutch at his throat, scraped raw from the contents being expunged from it. The act didn't used to hurt so badly months ago. He had a toothache once that was immense. Too many sweets, his mother had said and forbidden him the luxury of medical aid. The pain had stopped after awhile and the tooth, thankfully immature, fell away to make room for a new one.

As he rasps out a cleaning spell, he wonders if his vocal chords might not mercifully do the same once the nerves are dead. The small figure pulls his knees up to his chest, black eyes nervously darting back and forth. His friend Lucius almost caught him when he stayed for the summer. But that hadn't been as damning. Then it was simply a matter or not eating. And a few hasty bites from the occasional piece of fruit had headed off the remainder of the blond's perfunctory questioning.

After his second week back at school he'd been forced into a semi regular meal schedule to maintain appearances. That was when he realized he'd have to find another way to keep his control. Severus had always been a clever boy. However, he hadn't always been a thin boy. He remembers bitterly the fat little cherub face stupidly stuffing itself with sweets. The toothache hadn't stopped that. His mother hadn't either. She could control his attitude, his thoughts, his dreams to be a great potions master, but she couldn't watch him in the middle of the night when he'd remove the concealing charms cast over his bag of candy in the corner. She couldn't stop the house elves' manic obsession with feeding things either. She could put a half a plate of vegetables in front of him for dinner and yell if he ate too fast or too much. She could even tell Lucius' mother that he was on a special diet and couldn't eat any of the rich dinners they'd serve. But she couldn't watch him all the time.

He used to smile to himself when she'd get mad that he didn't lose weight. At seven, being taller than most and larger, having to buy robes for larger children her anger was satisfactory. It was something he accomplished. He kept it up for years in fact; young, fat, and triumphant. He expected the same at Hogwarts naturally, recalling one of the muggle novel's he'd snuck a read at once staying at a relative's house. Almost all the children he'd gone with were thinner, prettier, and irritably more cheerful. Ever the pessimist, expected a scene out of Oliver Twist; chilren standing in line waiting to be doled out a bowl of gruel. At the very least, a modicum of regulation when they entered the great hall.

He sat next to Lucius after their sorting into Slytherin, waiting to have all the grand spread taken away and being brought more green abominations and sickly platters. When he noticed the others eating and no one seeming to care, he suddenly didn't feel very hungry. He listened to headmaster Dumbledore's speech and pushed away his plate. His face burned when he heard a whisper to the right followed by a nasty snicker. "..better push that plate away fat arse... looks like he could afford to miss a meal or two." He'd heard it before from his mother in more delicate terms of course. He frowned and started to reach for the plate again defiantly. "Better not Sev," Lucius whispered catching his wrist. He heard the boys laughing again not so softly and gave a slight nod. He'd eat something later by himself.

Later he wasn't hungry. At first, alone by himself, he looked shamefully forward to secretly eating the candy he'd bought on the train. He sat in bed when he thought his room mates were asleep and ate quietly. He didn't know anyone else was awake until he heard the soft mocking titters from across the room. He stopped and put down the kicking chocolate frog leg. "Hey fatty don't stop, keep going. We took bets on the boat to see how long 'fore you burst!"
"Shuttup Lestrange or I'll have my father arrest yours!" The laughing boy known now to him as Lestrange muttered something under his breath and laid back down. Lucius sighed. "It's all right Sev... I... know you can't help it... just finish it quieter okay?" It wasn't alright. It wasn't hurting his mother where she couldn't even see him. It wasn't even hurting those bastards who laughed at him. He felt the bile rising in his throat and shook his head. No. He wasn't weak like that. He couldn't be in front of Lucius. He wouldn't be another sniveling Peter Pettigrew with the sticky candy fingers on the boat. He rewrapped the remainder of the candy and put it away. He was still in control... He just... had to do it a different way now.

Sev walks to the door, fingers brushing his throat in front of the mirror. It's a good sort of rawness he tells himself. It reminds him he's in control. He notices the bone of his wrist sticking out and drops the hand drawing the sleeve of his robe over it. Lucius had said he was getting too thin, but he knew the other boy was only being nice. Severus pinches the sallow sickly skin on his face and his eyes fall when he still feels the thin flesh on his cheek pull away slightly. It's still not good enough. He sees himself with a sort of critical panic. Sallow yellow skin that used to be a much softer ivory hue, greasy limp hair, disgusting yellow teeth. He never thought he'd be a beauty. Not with the family nose anyway, and now seeing the changes brought on since he started attending Hogwarts, he winces. Being thin is the only redeeming physical trait he has left. People used to compliment his eyes when he was younger, but even those are sunken and sickly. Of course he's being punished now. A higher deity casting these aspersions on his once passable face to tell him it's not enough. He's not trying hard enough.

He turns the handle on the sink letting the water wash over his hands. He dips his head taking a few precious sips to wash the taste of bile from his throat. It cools the burn as it goes down and he takes a deep breath blinking a few times to refocus his eyes. He splashes his face and then reaches into his pocket slipping a mint into his mouth rolling it around af ew times before spitting it out leaving it to dissolve in the sink. He breaths into his hand and gives a careful sniff. Nothing detectable. A look of relief passes over his face briefly and he recollects himself in time to feign straightening his hair when he hears the door open. It's only Lucius and he stops looking relieved. "Hey Sev, you're gonna be late for potions."
"Oh! Right sorry." His sallow face manages a tint of blush making his jaundice skin just look a sickly orange. He spares a quick glance back to the mirror before leaving.

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

Twenty five years later, the same Severus Snape carefully avoids the mirror as he makes his way to the great hall. He enters and takes his seat next to the young man with black hair and green eyes. The young man, displaying no overt signs of affection discreetly places a hand on the older man's knee under the table. Features softening for a moment, Severus turns slightly and brushes the hair from Harry Potter's forehead. It had been a welcome relief to discover his younger lover shares his natural reticence to physical contact outside the bedroom. He doesn't think he could deal with a constant clinging presence. Harry smiles and they both turn to look as Dumbledore stands up to make the announcement.

"Welcome everyone," He exclaims grandly. "I know you all have been looking forward to this... except you of course Professor Snape." He inclines his head eyes twinkling with amusement. The black haired man looks confused. He'd told Harry he hadn't wanted any part of the contest. Swallowing, he curtly nods back his face its usual mask. Harry wouldn't... No of course not. He sips his pumpkin juice slowly watching as the levitating blanketed shapes make their way into the space above Dumbledore's head. "Now as you all know, tonight we will be announcing the winners of the picture contest. The student or students who have correctly matched the most childhood pictures to the corresponding faculty member will be rewarded twenty five house points each." A small cheer erupts as he reiterates the amount.

Severus eats slowly ignoring the slightly concerned look coming from Harry. He deliberately measures the amounts of meat, vegetables, and dessert and sets everything on the plate. Slowly beginning to chew his roast beef, his ears take in the cheers as announcements are made going from Trelawney to Sprout, to the erruption of giggles at Binns' well worn photographed persona, stifly reading an obscenely thick tome almost as large as his three year old body. He relaxes as the announcements near their close and even looks up when Dumbledore's is unveiled showing a young man who looks not unlike a character from the muggle writer Lewis Carroll's opium induced imagination. As the applause dies down, he finishes his dessert and waits for the conclusion, frowning upon seeing one large square still veiled. He glances at the others and realizes it must be Harry's. But that wouldn't make much sense to have in the competition. The scar would give it away. "And last but not least... though he declined to take part in the actual contest. Professor Potter has graciously obtained a childhood photograph of our own well loved Professor Snape." A few snickers arise at the statement and Severus drops his fork eyes going wide heart starting to beat rapidly. He didn't... he promised... He looks at Harry's smiling face and realizes with cold certainty that yes his lover did indeed.

His hands drop to his lap, clenching into tight fists to keep himself under control. He hears the cloth being pulled away and the sudden silence which fills the room. Against his better judgment and dares a sharp glance upwards to the photograph in question. The six year old balloon glaring out at everyone hugging his candy close to his body. HIs mouth is covered in chocolate not even bothered to have been licked off. Everything stops around him as Severus stands up. The Great hall erupts into the most mocking and condemning howling roaring laughter he's ever heard. He takes a step towards the door hell bent on drowning out the voices, his recently eaten dinner rising to the back of his throat. He feels sick and knows he probably ate too much or too fast. "Where are you going?" Harry whispers showing belated concern. Severus looks at him coldly, his voice flat. "I'm going to go to the bathroom and throw up my dinner Mister Potter. Do you have a problem with that?" Harry says nothing, staring after him totally confused as Severus leaves for the bathroom.

Once inside he casts a quick locking spell before bending over the sink to splash some water on his face. Severus recalls another time he'd looked so long into the mirror. It was the summer he'd spent at Lucius' house after his fourth year. He'd forgotten to lock the door and was fretting again over his sallow skin, his sickly hair and obscenely large nose. The blonde boy entered without knocking and Severus' heart had skipped more than its usual erratic beat praying there was no evidence. The other hadn't noticed, and simply rolled his eyes.

"And here they call me vain. One day we'll all find you drowned in the lake cause you fell in love with your reflection." He nervously shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Sh-shuttup Lucius... leave that to your girlfriend." He muttered back.

"Don't be like that ... she's not that bad. Besides, she looks at her face enough for both of us. I just have to sit there half the time and pretend I'm listening to her talk." Severus managed a somewhat raspy chuckle. "Yeah and the other half the time your snogging like two characters from a bad romance novel."

"Quiet you, we're not talking about me," He pushed him playfully and then stopped looking concerned when Severus stumbles and almost falls.

"Crikey! Sev what have you been eating, you weigh almost nothing!" He grabbed his friend's wrist and gasped when he felt nothing but bone. He looked around before dragging him back into the bathroom.

"Take off your robe Severus."

"No... Lucius it's late... we should be going to bed..." Lips drawn into a harsh line, the blonde grabbed him and forcefully removed the garment, inhaling sharply when he finished unbuttoning his shirt.

"You're not going anywhere without me Severus. And tomorrow we're getting you help" The other boy winced. When Lucius used him name that way he was always serious.

"R-really... it's nothing Lucius... I've been sick..."

"Yes. You're sick alright. Narcissa told me she overheard that mudblood Evans girl talk about her stupid muggle sister once. And she was doing the same damn thing you are." He frowned. "We just thought it was some muggle disease."

"You're being ridiculous Lucius," he protested pushing at him weakly. "I'm not... whatever it is I'm not!"

"You're not throwing up your food?!" He slapped his face hard. "Don't lie to me. We've been friends too long dammit You're like my brother Sev! I should've noticed it sooner! You losing so much damn weight! Your skin your hair! Bloody hell why?!"

"I... I don't know Lucius please just leave it alone..." he begged softly not looking at his friend, holding the side of his face. "No." His voice softened and he pulled his friend close. "Lucius... I don't want your help..."

"Too bad Snape. You're getting it."

He hates it but he wishes Lucius were still here. He could fix it. He'd never do something like that. Calm down Severus... he didn't know... damn ignorant little... Severus rubs his temples forcing himself to stop thinking of the man he'd let escape incarceration in Azkaban. Besides, Lucius has his son and won't risk the boy's safety by coming back. Not even for me. He takes a few deep breaths putting a hand to his mouth. He thinks he's going to be sick. He doesn't want to be sick. He's going to be sick. Ducking inside the stall, the potions master empties the contents of his stomach out into the porcelain, coughing and gagging. He grabs a fistful of toilet paper wiping his mouth with trembling hands. Alright... I'm alright now... Everything is perfectly copasetic.

He takes a few shaky breaths wiping the sweat from his forehead. He stands up reaching for the mints he has on constant hand out of habit and quickly sucks on it. There's a bang at the door and he almost panics instinctively. "Sev... hon... is everything alright?" He knows Harry won't unlock the door unless it's serious. "F-fine... I'm fine." Control. He just has to get back his control. He runs to the sink and scrubs at his face, at the imagined mess. He swallows the mint and then runs back to flush the toilet. Opening the door, he forces his face into a calm expression. "What's the matter Mister Potter? I haven't been humiliated enough? You need to post pictures around the school of me doing my business too?!" he snaps about to brush past his lover.

Harry winces. "No... Sev... I'm sorry." The young man's arms twitch slightly before he gives into impulse and puts them around Severus' waist kissing his neck. The older man stiffens before forcing himself to relax. During the last fight with Voldemort, Harry had said to him he didn't always have to be strong. That it was alright to let go. Severus wished he could've told the boy how wrong he was. He wished at some point during their hesitant alliance he'd spilled as much of his soul as Harry had. It's too late now though. Besides, how could a boy who was starved against his will half his life possibly understand something like that. On what he thought would be his deathbed when Pettigrew shoved the dagger into his side, Severus still couldn't concede that private shame. It would've ruined everything about his past he'd managed to hide from his reluctant partner.

Harry wouldn't have spilled the same tears over the man he thought was dead if he'd known something like that. And in retrospect, Severus wouldn't have done the stupidest thing of his life by kissing the boy either. That was just another lie on top of everything. He might not have done it if he hadn't thought he was dying. But he definitely wouldn't have done it if he hadn't seen Lucius picking himself off the ground in the distance carrying his near fatally wounded son. Typical Slytherin. He thought with a sigh. That was something else he didn't think Harry would never understand. Sometimes there were more important things than "justice".

"I shouldn't have done that... " The voice interrupts his musings. "It was stupid... I... I know you wouldn't have said you didn't want people to see it without good reason. I thought you were just being..."

"Myself?" He answers somewhat bitterly. Harry shakes his head a hand reaching up to play with his lover's hair.

"No. Don't do that. I just made a stupid assumption. I won't do it again." He smiles a little. "I thought you were rather cute as a little kid." Severus doesn't say anything. Instead he just hugs Harry to him tightly. Everything... it'll be fine... he just... has to get back his control.

tbc

AN: Hope no one is/was offended by this