Chapter 1
A woman disguised as a girl sat in silence with her chin in her hands. Numbly, her mind tried to piece together what had just happened to her not moments ago. Her shadow crept onto the wall behind her as the sunset glared through her kitchen window. Magenta eyes didn't see the floor they stared at; it felt like hours had passed and she still couldn't bring herself to move. She couldn't believe it . . .
"Find Gon. Take him under your wing one more time."
Ging Freecss came to her and said those words. He left without a trace of ever being in her living room. Ging found her and then disappeared like it was the simplest thing in the world. She was almost convinced that she'd dreamt the whole thing.
But she knew that couldn't be.
Truth be told, she hadn't seen or much less thought about Gon or Killua for years. Four years to be precise. How were they? Were they still in one piece? Worry and guilt jabbed at her conscious the more she thought. Surely Ging wouldn't show himself for nothing . . .
The bejeweled cell phone in the pocket of her fluffy pink dress went off at exactly the wrong time, nearly startling her out of her chair. She answered an unknown number, for what reason she couldn't say.
"Hello?"
The deep, dark voice of a man replied formally. "Is this Biscuit Krueger?"
On top of sounding threatening, this stranger knew who she was and how to contact her. It wasn't a stretch of the imagination to assume he knew where she lived as well. She swallowed and said "Yes."
"You taught my son four years ago. Is that correct?"
"Killua?" Bisky squeaked a bit, not able to control her voice as her mind reeled.
"Yes. I am his father, Silva Zoldyck. Are you a parent, Ms. Krueger?"
"No."
"I have a feeling that something significant will happen to Killua, Ms. Krueger. I do not know what it is, but I am unable to be there for him. I will be in your debt if you can watch over him for me. Please teach him how to overcome whatever he is going through."
". . . Yes, of course Mr. Zoldyck." Bisky's voice became smaller the more she talked with Silva. Or maybe his voice was just so much bigger than hers. She wasn't able to tell. Silva hung up after Bisky spoke, leaving her in more of a mess than she ever expected to be in.
Ging Freecss and Silva Zoldyck contacting her in the same day, asking her to look after their sons . . . Maybe she really was dreaming. Her hands shook in the slightest as they clutched her phone to her chest. The metal and plastic of the device were still warm from resting against her cheek.
She heard the voices of the two men, still ringing in her ears in the deafening quiet. The two requests couldn't have been directly connected, but somehow Bisky knew it was an omen. Something big was about to happen, and she was lucky enough to gain insight into it. Opening her phone again, she found Gon's name in her contacts. She hoped the number was still the same as she dialed it, waiting to hear it ring.
Killua was exhausted, for lack of a better term.
Gon had gotten a call from Bisky, of all people, saying she wanted to train him and Killua once more. Of course after four years of no contact, Gon was excited to see their old Nen master again and wanted to leave right away to meet their teacher in Yorknew City. But there was one minor detail the black-haired boy forgot to mention . . .
"Bisky isn't going to meet us here for another month?" Killua grumbled, unwilling to believe he'd let Gon sucker him into two consecutive red-eye flights, complete with a three-hour layover in the middle, that left him incapable of sleeping. In the airport, they made their way through crowds of other miserable-looking people that just arrived from their own overnight flights. Killua felt compassion for those people; he probably wasn't going to sleep for at least another day or so after this mess.
"She said she could get here earlier. I wanted to be sure." Gon reasoned, looking as bright and cheerful as ever.
Killua shoved his free hand in his pants pocket and tightened the other around the handle of a rolling suitcase. "Can we please just take flights at reasonable hours from now on?"
Gon chuckled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "Ok. Sorry for dragging you out here like this. I just got excited."
Killua fought a blush when Gon looked him in the eye so honestly. He had to look away before his friend spied any color in his cheeks. "Yeah, yeah. You're so embarrassing. Let's just find a hotel before it gets any earlier."
It was seven in the morning when Gon and Killua checked into a hotel. They had barely gotten their bags in the door when Killua heard a resounding thump in the middle of the room. Turning around, he nearly rolled his eyes at what he saw. Gon had passed out on the floor, his whole six feet of height awkwardly sprawled between the two beds.
Easily taking his friend into his arms despite their height difference, Killua meant to simply lay him down on one of the beds. But a warm fascination that squirmed in his chest stopped him. He held Gon bridal style and just stared at his sleeping face, knowing what was coming over him and was unsure of how to stop it. His sensitive nose picked up Gon's familiar scent, and it was comforting and safe as always.
Killua was filled with the desire to kiss his best friend as his heart hammered against his rib cage. He also felt an all-too-familiar tightening in his pants as he continued to think in such a way.
This was dangerous. Gon could wake up and see something he shouldn't, or by some miracle read Killua's mind. Killua laid Gon on one bed and he sat on the other, facing away from Gon and trying to will his erection down.
Ever since they'd beaten Greed Island so long ago, Killua found that he felt a certain way towards his friend; a way that extended beyond friendship. For Killua, getting used this fact took months. He should not feel this way for a boy, he would reprimand himself. His heart should flutter this way around a girl, not his male best friend. He should want to feel this way towards girls: he should want to hold their hands and ask them on dates; he should want to tell them they're beautiful and kiss them on their rosy, pink lips. He should be hoping and praying for a chance to be intimate with a girl.
But he wasn't. It was the exact opposite for Killua.
He'd tested himself many times throughout the course of a year, by gaining access to the pornographic channels in the hotels he and Gon would stay in while the latter was asleep. He would valiantly try to focus on the women in those videos; staring at their hips and breasts and trying to feel something. But he would lose his concentration when the male actor began to undress, and the muscles of his chest along with his hardened penis were exposed. Killua remembered how he would frantically turn off the video every time he felt a stirring in his groin from staring at the men. He would spend the hours afterward sitting alone in the dark and berating himself for what he felt.
It wasn't until after the Chimera Ant Invasion, when Killua traveled the world with his precious little sister Alluka, that he really started learning to accept himself. He knew he'd always admired her, but he couldn't name why until right then: even though her biology was different, she wasn't afraid to be who she really was. She was the kindest, happiest person Killua had ever known.
He was so proud of Alluka for staying true to herself, despite how she was expected to live. And in a sense, he strove to be like her.
What was wrong with wanting to love someone? At least Killua had given up killing, and wanted to live a life where he didn't have to do that to get by. And he'd always said that the less information the rest of his family had on him, the better. So he decided that his sexual preference was none of their damn business, or anyone else's for that matter.
But even still, he imagined professing his feelings for Gon. He toyed with the idea often, but he never dared to act on it. They had six years of friendship and trust between them. What would happen if Killua just went and destroyed it all with a few simple words? He couldn't bear to think of losing Gon just because he couldn't keep it in his pants.
But sometimes, it was hard. There were times when Killua felt like he couldn't control himself. He desperately wanted to show Gon how much he cared about him. To kiss him, touch him, and possibly go farther . . .
Killua yanked on a handful of silver hair when he realized his thoughts weren't helping his current problem at all. His cock was almost achingly hard, and Gon was sleeping right behind him. Able to wake up at any second.
Feeling the slightest bit of shame, Killua quickly disappeared behind the bathroom door connected to their hotel room.
Why he let Gon drag him through all kinds of ridiculous situations, Killua couldn't say. Maybe he let his feelings get the better of him. But for some reason, they were in a huge shopping district in the heart of Yorknew.
The place had changed since they'd last seen it. It had grown by a few miles in every direction, with new buildings and attractions being added every day. And Killua caught wind that the organized crime activity and mafia influence had never been higher . . . That might have something to do with the city suddenly having enough money to expand whenever it wanted.
"I wonder how Kurapika is doing . . ." Gon sighed as they sat down on opposite ends of a small café table. It did seem more than appropriate to think of their Kuruta friend while in such a city. "Should I try calling him?"
"We don't even know where he is right now. He could be in the middle of finding the Scarlet Eyes and we might interrupt." Killua admitted, although mentioning the blond made him wonder, too. They hadn't talked with Kurapika or even Leorio in such a long time. Almost as long as it had been since they'd seen Bisky. Four years, maybe?
"Yeah, I guess you're right. How about a text then?" Gon suggested, taking his phone out and beginning to text the Kuruta.
Killua rolled his eyes, knowing Gon was sending the message with or without his opinion. "Sure." He answered flatly, dragging a straw through a chocolate milkshake he'd ordered on a whim. Killua wasn't all that hungry in the first place, and the idea of chocolate was always appealing. But he couldn't even bring himself to take a sip of the melting dessert. His mind was far too preoccupied.
When he was twelve and far too headstrong, Killua had always imagined himself growing up into an unstoppable warrior: a man that didn't need anyone and was without limitations or boundaries; someone much like his father, except without a family holding him back. And yet, when he met Gon, emotions and spiritual well-being were thrown into the mix. Sure, being strong and able to do whatever he wanted were great goals for a prepubescent boy who knew nothing, but having Gon by his side cemented Killua's growing concerns that maybe power and authority weren't all there was to desire from life.
Killua had always assumed that his initial attachment to Gon was due to how different he was. That he was fascinated by how Gon lived for happiness and simple pleasures; and the boy chased after his father because he wanted to, not because he felt some kind of obligation to. Killua's life had always been dictated by what his family expected of him, and when he gained Gon as his first friend, he realized that his whole life up until that point was being lived for his family; he'd never made a single decision for himself. And Killua's musings about there being more to life finally set in. He broke away from his controlling family and had never been happier for it.
Well, up until now, that was.
Killua was eighteen now. Two years away from being twenty. His life was technically about a fourth of the way over. And he'd still never had his first kiss, or even been on a date with anyone; he was still a virgin, for fuck's sake. And to top it all off, he often thought about doing all of those things with the young man who sat right across from him.
Oh, who was he kidding? They'd been friends for so long, were they capable of anything more? . . . Could Gon even love another guy? It would be such a big risk to take; to confess feelings without even knowing if a relationship was possible. And what if their friendship fell apart, all because of Killua's selfish desires?
"Hey, Killua . . . Are you feeling ok?" the question made Killua quickly look up.
He averted his eyes from Gon's inquisitive gaze. "I'm fine. Just thinking of Kurapika and Leorio. I'm wondering how they're doing, too."
"I already told you Kurapika lives here." Gon said with a raised, incredulous eyebrow. "I just said he answered my text. Are you sure you're ok?"
Killua leaned back nonchalantly in his chair, folding his arms behind his head. "Yeah, I just need more sleep. I'll be fine."
"I told him where we are. He's actually out running errands across the street from here. I told him we can meet up with him now." Gon stopped, his gaze switching from Killua to the cup of untouched chocolate liquid sweating on the table. "I mean, if that's ok. You look kind of sick."
Killua shook his head. "No, I'm feeling ok. Why would I miss an opportunity to see one of our best friends again?"
Gon thought for a bit, but then smiled in agreement. "Well, ok! I'll tell him we're leaving then."
They walked almost two blocks, navigating through swarms of people before spotting the back of a familiar blond head outside a clothing store. Killua had half a mind to think he'd found the wrong person, but the signature of the Kuruta's aura and a glimpse of ruby earrings contradicted that thought.
Killua had immediately noticed that Kurapika was not in his usual tribal outfit. He was dressed . . . normally: in tailored jeans and a light blue button-down, with the sleeves rolled up to just above his elbows. The outfit accentuated the blond's delicate-looking frame; the one Killua knew he had but always smothered with heavy Kuruta vests and skirts. The button-down was especially flattering in all the right places; outlining a firm, slender torso . . . unbuttoned just enough to show the soft-looking skin of Kurapika's neck and collarbone . . . Wait, what?
Killua shook his head, initially shocked at himself. Where did that thought come from?
"Ok, are you sure you're not sick? You look like you have a fever." Gon's voice startled Killua to say the least.
"I'm fine! Stop worrying." Killua grumbled.
"If you say so . . ." Gon muttered unconvincingly as Killua continued forward.
Killua had heard time could change people, but he'd never really believed that until now. Apart from changing his general appearance, Kurapika seemed spiritually happier. His aura was lighter and less weighed down; less angry and vengeful . . . He was so much more complete than when they'd all last seen each other.
He must be close to collecting all of his peoples' eyes, came a sudden thought in Killua's head.
It wasn't long before the Kuruta turned and saw them, sending a small wave and a smile their way. Killua's heart raced the closer he and Gon got. The moment Kurapika had turned around, Killua nearly lost all sense. Seeing his face and that brilliant smile . . .
"Ok, he's attractive. I get it." Killua mentally growled at himself.
Had Kurapika always been that way? Did Killua just need to develop a sex drive in order to see it, or had it happened recently? He wasn't sure, but he felt more uncomfortable the closer he and Gon got. It was comparable to the times Gon would get flustered around a cute girl . . .
Killua's heart suddenly sank at that thought.
When he looked back up, he saw Kurapika staring at Gon, his hazel eyes filled with a tense apprehension and shame. Now that Killua thought about it, Kurapika was the only friend of theirs that didn't show up at the hospital when Gon had been fighting for his life four years ago. Killua was willing to bet that the blond was worried about it.
"Gon . . ." Kurapika started, until the aforementioned raised a hand.
"It's ok, really." Gon replied with an understanding smile. Before Kurapika could look relieved, Gon pulled him into a hug.
Killua looked down at Kurapika as the blond and Gon separated. Something akin to anger was smoldering in his chest at the sight of the two touching like that. He couldn't name the strange feeling that blazed through him, but he couldn't let onto what he was feeling.
"You two haven't changed a bit." Kurapika said warmly as he smiled at his two younger friends.
"We tower over you. How can you say there was no change?" Killua playfully teased.
It was true that Kurapika had retained his original height of 5'7. But instead of taking any kind of offense to Killua's comment, he instead placed his hands on his hips with a knowing grin. "You're still the same boys I remember, regardless of how much of an advantage you think you have over me."
Curiosity overtaking Killua, he began to sense the strength of Kurapika's Nen. He wasn't all that surprised to feel immense power within the blond's smaller body. It was almost like Gon's in terms of force, but it was strong and silent: patient and calculating in all the ways that Gon wasn't. After spending so much time surrounded by a loud, headstrong and impulsive aura, it was an exotic, refreshing change for Killua.
Killua felt his mouth curl into a smirk as he eyed Kurapika predatorily. The atmosphere between them became suddenly playful, and he didn't miss a beat as he replied, "I've always had the advantage. I'm much faster than you. I could pin you to the ground right now if I wanted."
Kurapika shot a sly look right back, lowering his eyelids and leaning in to impishly retort "Oh, I'm so scared." He seemed to purr, the sound of his voice low and teasing.
Killua scoffed and leaned in closer as well. "You should be."
"Who says you'd even be doing the pinning?" Kurapika said with a challenging roll of his hazel eyes. "I'd chain you up before you felt it." An odd feeling passed through Killua's spine when those highly suggestive words left the blond's lips . . .
Suddenly, a rather loud cough from Gon's direction caused reality to kick in.
Killua blinked wordlessly at Kurapika, who looked as dumbfounded as he felt. They simultaneously realized their faces were a bit too close for comfort, and they backed away as if their proximity burned. Gon had turned away with a puzzled expression and Kurapika hastily followed, muttering something like "It's good to see you again, Killua" as he walked away. Killua followed as well, more than aware of a peculiar look that Gon shot him from over his shoulder. Blinking again, Killua tugged lightly on a few strands of hair in confusion.
What just happened?
The rest of the day was relatively normal. Gon, Killua, and Kurapika easily talked and laughed together, and there were moments where it felt like they'd never been separated. Gon exchanged stories of his and Killua's latest conquests, and Kurapika revealed that he only had three more pairs of Scarlet Eyes to find before he had them all. What he would do with them once he got them, he wouldn't say. But it did leave the others to wonder.
Killua was glad to just spend time with Gon and Kurapika. He enjoyed the company of his friends without worrying about any further feelings or weird situations. Their pleasant evening almost made him forget about what he felt for Gon . . . almost.
But regardless of how much Killua wanted things to be simple again, his feelings were only getting worse. He was reaching an impasse and had no idea how to deal with it . . . Then, a sudden thought occurred to him: Kurapika had to be at least twenty, right? Killua figured he had to know something about having feelings for someone.
Killua and Kurapika followed Gon into an antique music store. He made a beeline for the vinyl records in the back, saying something about possibly buying one for his Aunt Mito, which gave Killua enough space to talk. "Hey, Kurapika?"
"Yes?" the Kuruta answered while idly picking through a clearance rack of CD's.
Killua swallowed before he continued. "What would you do if you . . . liked someone?" He looked down and hid his hands in his pockets.
Kurapika nearly dropped a CD case as he turned to face Killua. Killua was slightly taken aback by how uncharacteristically clumsy that was of him. But as he quickly steadied the plastic in his grip, Kurapika reasoned, "Well, if it were me, I would tell them how I feel. It's better to be honest than to keep secrets."
"I can't just do that. It couldn't possibly be that easy . . ." Killua's eyes were glued to the floor as he leaned against a shelf behind him.
Kurapika shook his head gently. "You can't leave it bottled up, Killua. If you don't tell them, those feelings will eat at you."
Killua made an unsatisfied noise in the back of his throat before saying, "Have you even had feelings for someone?"
Kurapika quickly looked away, as if he were purposefully avoiding Killua's eyes. "Not really."
Killua had never felt more unconvinced in his life as he crossed his arms and pinned Kurapika with a flat look. "You're twenty-something. How have you not had feelings or anything?"
The blond's eyebrows furrowed in annoyance as he kept his gaze preoccupied on an obscure CD. "I'm twenty-three. And I'm still searching for my people's eyes. Do you really think I'd want to involve a partner of mine in something like that? It's just not a good idea."
Killua tilted his head curiously as he parroted, "Partner?"
Kurapika's eyes widened and a guilty look crossed his features. His eyes darted away nervously as a thin hand came up to fidget with a ruby earring. ". . . That's not what I meant."
The oddest feeling blossomed in Killua's chest as he analyzed his friend's words. He didn't want to assume, but that reaction was unmistakable . . . Trying his best to look his friend in the eye, Killua bent down a tiny bit and asked, "Kurapika . . . are you gay?" He stared openly at the blond, not sure if he was surprised or not that their conversation had come to this. Kurapika's silence spoke volumes as he continued to look away. Killua numbly registered that what happened between them earlier was not just a weird conversation: they had been flirting with each other.
But at the present, Killua was suddenly met with a glare. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not dumb. You said partner; not girlfriend." Killua defended.
"This conversation is supposed to be about you." Kurapika's cheeks puffed in the slightest as he got more irritated, and Killua distantly thought it was one of the cutest things he'd ever seen.
Knowing Kurapika's change in topic was an obvious diversion, Killua couldn't help but blurt out. "I knew it!"
Kurapika gritted his teeth, finally getting angry as he clenched his fists and hissed, "Keep your voice down or you'll wish you had."
Killua leveled Kurapika with a firm look. "It's not something to be ashamed of."
The Kuruta searched Killua's gaze, and in that moment Killua realized that Kurapika must have recognized his expression. And not disclosing the gender of who he liked must have had something to do with it as well. "Are you . . . also?"
Killua tried not to look away, masking his nervousness as he asserted, "What of it?"
An indescribable silence settled between the two young men. It was funny how a few years could change things.
Kurapika looked away. He held his arms in front of his body in apprehension. "You won't tell anyone about me, will you?"
"Cross my heart, baby." Killua grinned, but his eyes quickly widened at his own words. He felt his face heat up as he tugged on his hair. "Oh my god . . . Forget I said that."
Kurapika laughed, not offended at all and seeming even more at ease then before. "Don't worry about it . . . Now, what about this person that you like?" They walked slowly through an isle of old cassette tapes and boom boxes as Kurapika gave Killua his full attention.
"Hey, wait a minute. You can't just tell me you're gay and then try to change the subject. Again." Killua pouted, his curiosity once again getting the better of him. "How did you figure it out? How old were you? . . . Did you sleep with anyone?"
Watching Kurapika blush and ungracefully choke on his own tongue was a more than amusing sight. After Kurapika straightened himself out, he shot Killua a hard look. "That last one is none of your business. But I was eleven when I figured it out . . . Could we continue this in a more private place?"
"Gon's all the way across the store talking the clerk's ears off. And there's no one else here to listen. Just keep going." Killua shrugged.
With a sigh, Kurapika continued with a hushed voice. "There's not much to say about it . . . a male friend of mine kissed me, and that was that."
Killua's jaw nearly hit the floor. "You're not allowed to just stop there! What happened?"
"It was complicated, Killua. I'd rather not discuss it at length." Kurapika suddenly gained a far-off look in his eyes as he seemed to hold himself, his arms folded across his body.
Killua felt the air around them become heavier as he quietly asked, "He was one of your people, wasn't he?"
" . . . Yes. And regardless of what happened between us, he was still a dear friend of mine. I still miss him so much." Kurapika tucked even farther into himself, slouching against a shelf of cassette tapes.
"Sorry for bringing all this up. I didn't mean to upset you." Killua apologized, not able to take Kurapika looking so sad. "I'll tell you mine if you want."
A while later, when Killua had finished recounting his tale, Kurapika perked up considerably. "You seem like the type to do something like that." He said with a small, amused smile.
"What? Berate and lie to myself for years?" Killua asked, slightly annoyed.
"No. You just always struck me as the type to watch porn."
Killua tried unsuccessfully to fight off a deep red blush while he stared at his shoes. "Don't tell me you never have."
Kurapika looked unabashed as he easily answered, "I'd rather read it than watch."
"Oh, so you do the trashy romance novels? Figured as much." Killua grinned toothily at Kurapika's slight glare.
Kurapika eventually relented with a shrug. "Well, some are better than others. But you still never told me about who you like. You're not getting out of it now."
"Well, I really, really like . . . him." Killua admitted, feeling an unknown weight lift off his chest at using the correct pronoun for the first time. "But I'm worried I might ruin the friendship we have."
Kurapika raised an eyebrow, looking a bit shocked and yet expectant as he asked. "Are you talking about Gon?"
Crimson covered Killua's features. Just as he was about answer, the boy in question appeared behind them. "Hey guys! You're so quiet, I thought you left for a second there."
Killua bristled in surprise at Gon's sudden appearance. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he groused, "Don't just sneak up on people like that!" Gon laughed and turned away, leading the group back out into the city streets.
Is it him? Kurapika's eyes seemed to ask.
Yet another blush was his answer.