You once asked if I would die for you...
By Winds of Serenity
Authors Notes:
This is my first Escaflowne fic, the second fic I've ever written. The first is a Sailormoon fic which I...was supposed to write a sequel to but I really can't yet! I have no idea what to write about it...I have so many ideas and none seem to really fit...sorry to anyone who might see this and is still waiting for it. For those who have no idea who the heck I am, I just started writing fanfiction and feel awfully nervous about it. If anyone thinks this worthy, please review. I would like to know what people think of the story. Anyhow, read on!
Disclaimer: Escaflowne does not belong to me, any of it, but the story does so please don't steal it.
Rating: PG-13?
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You once asked if I would die for you. Your eyes were kind and loving as you gently stroked my cheek, the touch as faint as the wind. We were outside in your gardens surrounded by the sweet fragrance of the many flowers of Gaea, a crystal-clear lake beside us. Their aroma floated around us as the gentle light of the twin moons shone on us, creating a halo around you. The night was a deep dark in the skies despite the light of the moons.
One of your strong arms was around my waist, holding me possessively and lovingly, your strong body pressed against mine. Your eyes radiated such innocent warmth that I felt like an angel in your arms. I felt as though I could fly throughout the universe on pure white wings, as though you gave me your own wings to fly with through that one look. Your smile melted my heart with that soft warmth I had never seen before. Those eyes were so rare...neither blood-red nor chocolate-brown, but a merging that could change easily to reflect your feelings. Your hair was soft and silky, the blackest of black...yet none of these things mattered to me. Not as much as many would think.
Yes, you were beautiful. You were the angel I had the privilege of meeting, of loving. But you may have had the same body and been a bitter and cold man. I must admit I had thought of you as cold when we first met since you did not treat me as an equal, but even then I had felt something was different about you. It was not until later that I grew to love the way you acted around me, every gesture and habit of yours irresistibly graceful and royal, and attractive.
Your heart was so innocent and yet at the same time so spiteful and vengeful with the deaths of your loved ones. You tried to show others your cold side, sometimes to me especially, but before you could completely convince me that you were that way I had seen a glimpse of the boy you were inside. Ever since then I had been addicted. I needed to hear the way your voice could sound when you put the war behind you, to feel a gentle touch from your hand even though it had killed countless men in cold blood. I needed to feel your soft side and see the ice melt from your gaze as you looked at me, longed to be the person you would protect and love and turn to when in need of reassurance. I needed to know that I was yours and yours alone, and that you had eyes only for me.
And when one cold night you had come to me and kissed me, without any explanation, I had felt the very breath had been stolen from me and given to you. From then on I needed you desperately, and I needed no explanation or wanted one, but only you. I felt your hands hold my face harshly at first, afraid that I would try to pull away and reject you and neglect your need for comfort, but when I willingly fell into the depths of the kiss those hands became so very tender, so loving and passionate at the same time that I was sure I would never need breath again as long as I had that moment. When you pulled away you did not let go of me, crushing me against you as we breathed heavily into the lonely night. Without one word you took me to the window and in a burst of feathers your majestic wings burst through your shirt. Picking me up carefully and cradling me to your chest we flew away from everyone, to a secluded garden with a sparkling lake beside it. There, with only the stars and moons as our witnesses, you made me yours forever. Throughout the whole night not a word was spoken. They were not needed.
Always you treated me carefully, like a thin glass that could break if not treated the right way. When in the presence of others you did not hide our love, which I will admit had surprised as much as it delighted me. Never did you fail to whisper sweet nothings into my ear at night, you never denied me the heated kisses or the feather light brush of your lips against mine. You did not give a second glance to the women even I thought to be beautiful and kind, and likewise I never once dreamt of Allen or my home. You were, truly, my all.
And so the question had surprised me to no end. You had never brought up that subject around me, knowing war was new to me as was death amongst those I knew and cared about. I had cried countless times in the protective heaven of your arms, mourning the death of people I had just met and barely knew and the ones I never had the chance to meet. I cried because of the horrible sights I'd seen, of all the frightening visions that would not let me be. You were always a comfort, healing me as easily as you captured me. I needed but one touch and the wound would already start to heal, yet each new day also reopened it, so you were a constant need of mine. A need that was acknowledged and accepted for you needed me as much as I needed you. In protecting me, you comforted yourself. In loving me, you were loved back.
But why did you ask me that?
I had, at the time, felt a strange sense of betrayal, as though you had broken my trust. I had no answer, no answer I could give without being afraid of your reaction. Your eyes searched mine without worry, and in that moment I realised you trusted me as much as I trusted you. But to die...I hated death and feared it. I loved you so much, I needed you so much I doubted I could live without you in my life. I don't really know if you meant it so literally as I took it but soon my silence answered for me. Your soft smile disappeared and for the first time doubt and fear crossed your beautiful eyes. You stood your ground, although your hand stopped stroking my cheek and your hold loosened. Desperate, I had tried to think of my answer. I could have easily said that I would, but lying to you or giving you an answer that I was not sure of was like stabbing and mocking you. Looking deep into your eyes I found my answer, and I knew the reason for it.
I told you. My voice was soft but determined, I knew that my answer was true. No. A simple, two lettered word. A simple two lettered word that held the meaning of the world, my world. No.
The effect that simple word had on you was devastating. Your face paled, your eyes shining with a hurt and betrayal so great I felt ashamed to look at you. Both your arms fell limply at your sides, looking lifeless as they lay there. I opened my mouth to explain, but I could not find the words to explain what I felt. I felt tears sting my eyes as your eyes suddenly darkened, as you once again placed a barrier between us both. I reached out to you desperately, almost panicked, deathly afraid that I would loose you. And then, right before I could touch you...
You slapped my hand away sharply, the ugly sound resounding around us as my hands suddenly turned red. You might as well have cut them off for the effect it had on me. I snapped them back and my heart broke a thousand times over, my eyes wide in shock. Your dull eyes looked back at me without emotion, but I had gotten to know you so well that before it was completely gone I got a glimpse of your pain before the very life was extinguished from your gaze. I hadn't known anyone could have felt the pain and guilt I had felt then.
I was painfully aware of everything then. The way you seemed to move, almost mechanically, as you turned from me. The echoing sound of your footsteps, so loud in my ears. The aching pain in my hand, which seemed to grow instead of fade. I was rooted to the spot, afraid to move and cause both you and me more pain, afraid to let you go and make the greatest mistake of my life. I managed to utter a soft, pleading sound, but when you walked away from me still my heart seemed to wither in my chest. I bent over as though struck in the stomach even though my pain came from the heart. Only then did my tears fall, bleeding from my eyes like an open wound. I opened my mouth as though to sob, but my throat would not cooperate and no sound left my lips. Shaking, the ground tilting beneath me, I fell. This time...this time no one caught me before I crashed. The pain only added to my agony and soundless sobs left my open lips as I gasped in air. My inability to utter any noise seemed fitting, since now I was unable to...be with you...
You were gone after that. You never looked me in the eye again, refused to see me alone and avoided me as much as possible. It was worse than being the stranger I had been, now I was an enemy. Whenever we had to come in contact the gentleness I had known was like a myth that my hopeful heart had created, the kisses a beautiful dream. I had now the harshness and icy calculating glares at my back. The war continued, life continued, everyone was untouched by anything. Only I seemed to be different, the only one treated differently by Van Fanel, by you...by my love. I grew to hate the way everyone acted as though nothing had ever happened, and in time even they forgot that you had ever loved me. I was the only one that remembered, it seemed, the only one that cared.
And in the end you won, of course. I never did doubt that. You put your everything into those fights, for the dead people of Fanelia. There was even more fervour in your fights after me, because now you had one less thing to worry about. I never did stop needing you and whenever I could I would sneak to your door and watch you from a distance, knowing if I got too close you would notice my presence. The horrifyingly empty hole in my heart grew every day, and even though no one noticed I did not eat anymore. The food lost its taste, eating was like an empty chore I chose not to do. And then the end of the war...now I would truly see what your heart would do. Would you send me away? Would you get rid of me?
When you carried me away from Zaibach in your arms I pretended that it was that night, that first wonderful night. I felt the cool wind on my face, like before, but for some reason this wind was like many sharp needles pricking my skin, not the soft caress of it. Your arms did not hold me tightly as though to not let go, but loosely as though you truly did not care. When we finally landed you let me go before your own feet touched the ground, and I stumbled.
You gave me no time. In no time a beam of light had descended on me to carry me away from you, my pendant in your hands. I screamed and for the first time struggled to get to you. I could not leave...I had to tell you! You looked at me without a trace of pity or warmth, and even though you hid it I saw your sorrow veiled in anger. Emptiness threatened to flood your heart, your soul, and you welcomed it. All this was told to me by just that one last glance at your eyes...which were a dull red. The light burned me, surrounding me completely as it burned and scorched me. There was no time...none at all before I was standing on the track field of my home. In a planet away from you, and unlike you I could not see Gaea from here. Then more than ever I felt that awful gnawing at my chest. I held it tightly, screaming in pain. Falling to my knees I punched the ground with all the force I could muster, over and over again.
You were gone.
You did not want me near, but a world away.
I let out one last scream, one last piercing wail that neither world will surely ever forget. After that the wound you had always healed with your touch opened impossibly with my loss. I lay there, sobbing harshly until I was found and brought home. I was to be healed by uncaring doctors now.
That wound never stopped throbbing, never stopped growing. I feel it every day, always the first thing on my mind along with you. On some nights, the worst nights, I feel you near me. I feel your hands on me, on my face as in that first kiss we shared. I feel your lips and your arms around me. They are so sweet and so feather light, these touches, that I feel as though I am in the most beautiful hell. I crave this torture, I wish endlessly for your face to appear before me, for you to return to me. For you to claim me once more. I am still yours, you took my very essence and without you I am like the dead, an empty shell that once housed a soul.
I had gazed at my hands later that day, at the bandages that tried to hide the wounds inflicted by me when I got here, the wound in my heart fresh and threatening to overcome me and drown me in its agony. I wondered what it would be like for all of that crimson to flow from my body, perhaps as bloody tears. The thought only brought me more guilt and I had once again betrayed you. I did not let myself think that way anymore and continued to exist. I no longer live, I had begun to pass on when you turned away from me and now I merely exist. I will not die, because then I would be dying for you. I told you I wouldn't, and that is like a promise to me. I damn myself for not finding the simple words earlier, for not telling you. I will surely be cursed forever for breaking you as I have, and I lay in my own hell in my home, in my house. I find no joys in life and I have lost touch with reality and those around me as I loose myself in memories of the short, blissful time I had with you. I know it all means more pain and will always be that way but...I would not die for you, angel, because...
I wouldn't die for you because I'd rather live to love you...
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You like? You hate? Written badly? Should I write more? Less, not at all? Please review, it would be greatly appreciated.