Bobby Hill Gets Hit by a Car
Prologue: Prince of the Forest
Beginning AN:
So! Here it is! The Omegacrossover! I hope you enjoy, because this is something I've been nervously back-and-forthing on for years!
Everyone in this story is exactly 18 years old. Not a second younger, and not a second older.
This will probably make more sense if, putting it this way, it's anything but the first story by me you have read. Then again, if this happens to be your introduction to my writing, maybe part of the "fun" would be using this as means to figure out some of the "lore," instead of having to piece some of the recurring stuff together across several intentionally poorly-written fan fics across several different fandoms, the most unbearable of which in my opinion also being the one that is over 300,000 words.
Anyway, so, "dropping point." If you're really not sure if this is your thing or not, I would give it until the "End of Act 1." If you're still iffy by the time you fit that point then this might not be the thing for you.
Content Warning: This crossover involves The Binding of Isaac, and while not as screwed up as Isaac I think the fact that TBOI plays a role in this story period should say enough that this is definitely not for everyone. I mean, I would also probably cite other things it's a crossover with, like Hellsing, South Park, or Superman for the Nintendo 64, but... I think TBOI is easily more screwed up than any of the other works I can think of. Probably. I haven't seen South Park in a while (been meaning to, it's not like Simpsons or Family Guy where I just gave up ages ago) and I haven't actually played Superman 64 yet.
University. Where life truly began. Petals were in bloom, aligning a path to the magic entrance by Bobby's feet.
It felt like a number of possibilities, if not all of them, could occur at this moment.
Bobby Hill was ready. At the ripe age of eighteen, he still had a bit of his weight from his younger teenagehood, and honestly kinda looked more like a young-adult version of Cotton with shins than he did his legendary propane salesman father Hank.
Also, he did do one thing his father would have likely not approved of: he grew out some hair on the side and dyed the tips fuchsia. Something he thought was stupid, yet he could not look away from it whenever he had it out.
Just seconds after taking the first few steps on the campus proper, of course he had to have someone literally run in to him.
One of his fellow co-students already. A woman with pale, peachish skin and black hair-
She darted off. In addition to that, getting a closer look was also made difficult because of the strange black robes she wore over her.
He did get a glimpse. Uh... the hair went over the right half of her face, mostly? And she still had the standard uniform on under it?
...Regardless.
Despite the 'hype' for his first day at the university, that strange woman crashing in to him was probably the most eventful thing that happened right away. Right, he attended the lectures. Didn't have any key opportunities to meet people. He barely even went that deep in to the university itself. Mostly, Bobby was distracted by the thought of how the cliche of literally falling for someone did not apply, that the mystery bumper was just a one-time accident that-
"Hey."
Bobby was snapped out of his thoughts on the way out of one building by that word.
It was her. Again. He got a closer look and... well the only really noteworthy feature he could not glimpse was her reddish-looking eyes. But other than that, yeah, a woman wearing black robes right there on college campus.
"You might have thought that I rammed in to you by accident. I... um, how do I say this..."
She stopped herself, looked off to the side, and then at the ground. "No, no, even you won't believe me. I don't know how to put this without coming off as creepy-"
"You could start by taking off that robe." Bobby answered.
The woman sighed. "My name is Eve. Let's just say I've heard about you... from the past. High school. And that you will be seeing me if things go right."
Eve was about to turn back, but then she stopped herself mid-turn, and gave Bobby a dead-serious look.
Right in to his eye, and piercing right through his soul.
"If you want to find everything, see me at the cemetery at 6:16 PM."
"'Find everything?'" Bobby repeated.
"I can't tell you how important this is, you would not believe me now, but I can tell you that I will help. Love... fame... and him. It will be a lot easier for you to get if you follow my advice. Not to say that this cannot be yours without me, but...
"You'll have to change some things."
Bobby shrugged. "Okay, I don't know what you're talking about, but-"
Sighing, Eve just reached inside her robes and whipped out several fifty dollar bills. And she spreaded them out, allowing him to see that they were genuine, and they were in fact all fifties.
"Woah." He said.
"I'll give you over six hundred dollars if you come to the graveyard tonight. Remember. Be there before six. 6:16 is a hard deadline, not when you should start making your way over."
She considered turning away again, yet looked back at him one last time even as she started walking.
"Some girls will start acting weird to you. Not like I am right now, but they will. The deeper you go in to- I will explain everything."
...Well, that gave him a few things to think about. Namely, those 'promises.'
Money. Yeah, sure, that might be worth whatever 'Eve' was going to cook up. Fame, nice. But... love?
Some red flags were going off. Some memories of what his father told and taught him. But, after giving it some brief thought, Bobby thought...
Meh. Going to the graveyard at dusk seemed worth it for hundreds of bucks.
Also, who was 'him?' Was she talking about-
There was no way. High school or no, how could Eve have known?
Okay, not dusk. The sun already set. Damn those short days in winter.
So... the stars were all already out - especially visible as there were no street lights or any other sort of lighting at all near the place, just what God placed in the sky barely letting Bobby see the roots that he otherwise would have completely tripped over.
"Hello?" He asked. "Eve? You had... something to tell me? I made sure I left my dorm an hour early...
"And it took me only fifty minutes to get here."
Footsteps. In the distance. Running footsteps. Coming closer.
Bobby turned his head around and-
Nearly had a freakin' heart attack when Eve ran in to him, this time very much intentionally tackling him on to the ground.
He could tell it was her even in the darkness, through the hood. Because of the hood. No, wait, what if it's a hooded trouble-maker that...
No, it was Eve alright. He could just barely see her half-covered face from the angle he was in, pinned on the ground.
"Why did you do that-" He began to protest, before Eve shushed him.
And then the sound of rapid gunfire came.
Eve flipped off her hood, allowing a (relatively, it was still dark as hell) better look at her face. Namely, she had something dark in her hair, which she grabbed with one hand.
"Bobby!" She said. "It's too late! Carrie already found us!"
She tossed it - he could not see what it was, but anyone viewing the scene in slow-motion would be able to recognize it as a... bird? One that was dead, based on its closed eyes that had 'X's draw on it.
Despite being 'dead,' the bird opened its wings mid-toss and squacked, flying after the source of bullets.
"Here," Eve said, reaching in to her robes and pulling out something purple that she tossed to Bobby in an instant. "Put these on. I have no time to explai-"
Then someone landed in front of her. Another 'schoolgirl,' except this one with white, slightly translucent skin. Her hair was short, decorated with a small bow, and part of it went over one eye. She glowed and, oddly, at times that glow had shimmering cyan and magenta outlines with it.
"Hello." She said, flashing a real dickish-smile at Eve before pulling a pistol to her head.
Eve reached in to those magic robes and pulled out a knife, which she used to instantly jam the gun's barrel. Acting fast, Eve twisted her own (stab stab) stabbing weapon around, managing to wrestle the gun straight out of the ghostly-girl's hands, catching it herself and firing it back with one hand while the other re-obtained the knife to try to slash at her.
The literally-white woman just turned transparent, and all of the bullets went through her.
Once Eve realized fire was pointless with her enemy at that state, said enemy took out a pair of sunglasses, put them on, and smirked.
"Ha!" She said. "You still won't learn?"
"Oh screw you, Carrie." Eve replied. "I can harm and even banish ghosts!"
"Yeah, yeah, basement girl. I know that. But what I want to know is... what are you doing out here by yourself?"
"I could ask you the same question."
Meanwhile, what with the gunfire dying down, Bobby finally got a look at the thing Eve threw at him.
A...
A pair of purple panties, with pink sparkles on them.
"...You want me to put THESE on?!" He asked Eve. "Right now? And please at least say I can put them over my clothes."
"Do it NOW!" Eve turned to Bobby, before looking back with a hard glare straight in to Carrie's crimson eyes.
"I'm not alone. What makes you think that? I thought you were alone because I was watching you the whole time."
Another gunshot. One that sounded like it came from an older model. With nothing being visibly hit, Carrie just floated backwards, arms making a shrugging motion.
"Look." She said. "If you want to treat family this way, then this reunion was a bad idea. I'll just let my new friends take care of you instead."
She disappeared in a bright, booming white circle. Eve scowled.
"Rip..." she said.
Above, both Bobby and Eve saw a bright azure light zig-zagging through the night sky.
"Wh- what's that?" Bobby asked.
"Bobby, you need to put on the panties. Not only will you die if you don't, but this could mean the end of the world."
Eve short-hopped out of the way when the bullet struck a grave right next to her, acting like she was dodging a dodgeball as a champion rather than acting like it was a bullet trying to take a schoolgirl's life.
Then another one of them landed. Another student... apparently? Dressed in a deep purple copy of the apparent uniform, with extremely long navy-blue hair, pale freckled skin, shining glasses, and holding a musket in her hand. She flipped the gun around, and the bright light appeared behind her - zigging and zagging to form a heart shape.
Also landing becides her was a rose pink-skinned... woah, it was a 'student' with sharp teeth and either... hair covering one eye or she was a cyclops, Bobby could not tell. Especially not from his angle. Anyway, she appeared to have a pair of gloves and stockings made out of white fire, with heels and a cape being the only actual clothing on her- oh shoot, nudity. He would have completely averted his gaze. But he had no idea what the hell was going on.
Another schoolgirl landed becides the gun-holder. Gray-skinned, with two striped orange horns. She adjusted her white-framed glasses as she looked down at her cerulean uniform, specifically trying to draw attention to what appeared to be a scorpio sign on the middle of it. She had short black hair, and was smiling at Eve as though nothing wrong was happening. And... ick, one of her eyes had seven pupils?
Finally, a light-skinned, raven-haired girl who ditched the uniform completely - instead opting for a small brown top and a pair of green shorts - ran in with a large stack of books in her hand.
Eve looked at the band of four. Sighing. Vehemently.
"Rip." She said, looking at the one with the musket. "Pyronica." At the magenta one. "Aranea." At the one with gray skin. "And... I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
"It's Heather!" Said the one holding all the books. She finally noticed Bobby, as she almost tripped over him. "And uh, hi. You must be the son of the... Fire Sage, or something."
"Sage of Forest!" Replied Rip. "Heather, get your facts straight! Brenda is the Sage of Fire!"
"Right, Forest. Bobby. I made a bad choice."
Rip aimed her musket at Eve. "So! Eve! We finally traced you down, and finishing you off at a graveyard sounds like an appropriate end for your-"
"Bobby, I'm saying those names so that you can know them. Now put on the-"
"FINE!" He interrupted her interruption. "I'M PUTTING THEM ON! LOOK, SEE!"
He 'compromised' and put them on over his regular clothing. It was a tight fit, and his outburst did result in Rip looking at him for the first time, but he made it work.
Uh, what followed was every other part of his outfit being ripped to shreds in a bright, amethyst light. It was blinding - at least to Heather. None of the rest of them had to shield their eyes.
Bobby found himself floating up in the air - and quickly covering himself, especially as the others started looking on. The panties hugged his now nearly-nude, slightly overweight figure a bit too much, getting weird looks out of- just Aranea, actually. Heather was shielding herself from the light, and neither Pyronica nor Rip seemed to care.
"Ha! Well!" Rip said. "You have awoken the Prince of the Forest! And with that, we leave..."
She disappeared. Not in the same manner Carrie had; by turning in to a bright azure flash that was gone with less noise and flare. Pyronica and Aranea followed after her shortly, not getting any lines because this chapter was rushed.
"Um... don't leave me here!" Said Heather. "I don't know how to work my telep- oh. Wait."
She zipped away too, right when Bobby landed.
"What IS this outfit?!" He cried, guesturing at everything.
"I'll explain that later. For now-"
"YOU OWE ME SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS!"
Eve once again reached in to her mystery robes, throwing him the promised amount. Plus sixteen more - she rounded. It was better for getting his attention to just bluntly say six hundred, 'and sixteen' would have been a bit overkill.
"Oh... okay..." he had to stare at the money for a few seconds. Really letting it register. "Oh. So you weren't lying about that. Now, about that 'love' thing-"
"Forest." Eve said, looking at something. Bobby tried to adjust his eyes to it, but it was so dark...
Eve clicked on some kind of old, worn down... night light? The light showed Bobby what it was (and he could swear he felt slower the closer it was to shining on him): there were six symbols drawn on the ground. A green flower, a red flame, a blue water drop, an orange yin-yang-like image, and some purple and yellow things that involved triangles and dots. Also, each of them were enclosed by circles of their respective color.
"Fire. Water. Spirit. Shadow. Light." She said. "The representations of the Six Abstractions that govern everything, the laws of time, space, physics and more. All of which can artificially be put in to one of the six categories. To the childlike mind of a human who only grasps things physically, these are 'elements.' But the true elements are a different set altogether, of far more entries than six, divided amongst a complex system of categories, shade levels, and purity levels that reflect the balance of light magic, dark magic, nature, and coding."
"So..." Bobby said. "This is magic, right? I'm assuming that 'forest' is one of the six, or-"
"Each of them is assigned a Sage, which passed through reincarnation across the various multiversal plains of existence. No matter how chaotic a given world in this multiverse chain may be, one thing that is known is that the Sages can usually be found in them. And they provide a relative, welcome breath of stability in the bizarre inconsistencies that otherwise plague the cosmos we are entombed by."
"Can you translate that?"
"Brenda, Sage of Fire. Shelly, Sage of Water. Kamika, Sage of Spirit. Anilucard, Sage of Shadow. Rose, Sage of Light. And your father, Hank, the Sage of Forest."
Bobby's attention was suddenly perked. "You know where my father is?! He's been missing for four years!"
Eve finally looked him in the eyes. "No, I am looking for him. But he is important to my quest. Bobby, what you are wearing is a power that, for a stupid reason, only men can utilize the magic of. People who identify as men, that is. I tried to wear them, and it wouldn't work. They were meant for your father, but he is missing, so... you'll do. I guess." She shrugged, then continued:
"We are looking for the Sages, all six of them. Finding the first one is the most difficult step, but once we do, we can use them to track the others. So once we find one, finding your dad should be a lot easier. Unless your dad is the first one, which would be very convenient."
"How do you even know this?! And what do you mean you tried them when you somehow know only men can use their magic... whatever?!"
"First question. I have been places. I have made deals. I have been cursed. Second question... let's just say I was given the name 'Isaac' when I was born and drop that subject for now."
"So... what's the first thing I need to do?"
"You need to learn. And this is where the 'fame' and 'love' I told you about earlier come in. Trust me, Bobby, you will need to talk to a lot of girls for this to work...
"And we'll also have to go deep within the horrible bowels of our university to find the best allies."
"Horrible?"
"You've only scratched the surface of the place, Bobby. Trust me. It gets eldritch in there."
"LEE!"
"What?! Who the heck are you?! What makes you think you can take on one of the toughest warlords of the university?!"
"Oh, I am just a technician...
"...Or at least I WAS! Before I did something that will have even the DIAMONDS shaking!"
"The Diamonds? Oh, those Diamonds? Pfft. Clowns. NEXT!"
"W-wait! Lee! I have, in my hand, the key to ending this 'rebellion' among the Gem groups that started, and all I ask for in exchange is the answer to one question."
"You're not going to try to fight me, are you?"
"It would not matter. The Diamonds should have you obliterated in no time."
"You fucking wish. May! Marie! Take her out! NEXT!"
"R-right. Anyway. I hold, in my hand, the object trapping the Sage of Light! Rose Quartz herself!"
"A Sage? ...Fine, I'm listening."
"Since this ultimately means little in the Diamonds' plan, the Sage has no value to me. Or any of the Diamons - White, Yellow, Blue... even Pink! But living at this university for so long has piqued my curiosity, and I do know that the Sages mean a lot to you. And that you have the answers about this place. For some reason. So I will use the Sage as a bargaining chip to you."
"What do you want?"
"To just scratch at the surface. Something that has unsettled me. And this might sound hypocritical coming from a Gem, but...
"Why is there such an overwhelming female to male ratio? I mean, where are all the men?"
"...Hrm. No deal. You can keep your Sage. I ain't touching that with a sixty-foot pole.
"MAY! MARIE! WHERE ARE YOU?! GET THIS IDIOT OUT OF HERE!
"NEXT!"
Closing AN:
To people who have read my other stories: No, despite me calling this an "Omegacrossover," this is not going to be some thing that links everything I wrote. Despite what I have been doing with SBIG over the past few years where installments are slowly being welded together and revealed to be part of some complex four-multiverse reincarnation loop, I don't actually like revealing that X and Y stories take place in the same universe. Heck, even the "Sage thing" is not a 100% constant across all of my stories. I mean, Striking Degrees won't have them. Intriguing Group's main cast might be expies of the Sages, but they're not part of some kind of "grand destiny" thing. And there's even less Sage-related stuff in Ordinarily United, which is ironic as it's probably the closest to at least having a "Link."
I originally wanted this to be about universe-hopping, and like Ordinarily United I wrote a good chunk of the first chapter of an older version of this. Except the "prototype" chapter of this was getting bloated, I had the "prologue" and the "First Chapter" in which would have covered both Cuphead and Undertale. I was building up the party and realized that the main "gang" wasn't even really together despite writing so much of it. So I axed the universe-hopping for the most part and just went to parody high school AUs. Everyone is together, so there's really just one main "original" world that needs to be built/introduced instead of several worlds that are effectively recaps to those familiar with the fandoms.
Anyway, I'm sticking with the promise of the trailer (FYI I will be deleting that on my profile almost immediately after publishing this - it's old, and the quotes are in reference to the prototype version). I still promise to have a good chunk of Cuphead, Undertale, Five Nights at Freddy's, Doki Doki Literature Club!, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and Steven Universe in there. (Wow, those six stories all have so much in common! They're, like, the exact same novel or something!) The only "break" to the promise is that the stuff that's closer to "my home territory" was introduced earlier. Like, you know, Carrie's gang. If they were a thing in the old version, they wouldn't have been in until their respective series was introduced. But yeah, the swap from the old version to this version happened about a week before this was due, because it was a week from when this was due and the date snuck up on me. I was thinking about changing BHGHBAC just a few days before I noticed that, hey, I promised an April release instead of a May one, so that's part of the reason why this is short. If I did not think about rewriting this, I probably would have just delayed getting this out, period.
Also, this being the thirtieth story that I published on this website is a coincidence. I like counting everything I did and not just what's on this website, and while I've "ported" the KIDS FIT series and "retconned" Sweet Jade and Hella John, there's still Onionstuck and Sheldin and Lenard floating around offsite. Also, I count each SBIGlet as a seperate story, just about. Anyway, this was rushed to come out on the ninth anniversary of The Eds' EDventure. That it was an anniversary was intentional, but being the ninth specifically... well, let's just say there's something about that number that would make it a fitting coincidence for this being the year I finally get my Omegacrossover out.
:33
Anyway, this will go on hold for the "next thing on my list:" Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage Chapter 8! Hell yeah! After a several-month hiatus, I'm going to be roaring in to that! Maybe that's the thing that will finally get me really back in to FFN and put just slightly less time in to Fictionpress!