Harry Potter and The Toenail of Icklibogg
OR
Harry Potter and the Golden Testicle
By: J. K. Rowling
Ghostwritten By: SheroesCentral
A/N (guest- Steph Silverstar): This fic is also known as Harry Potter and the Golden Testicle. This is Silverstar of SheroesCentral. Wenna has kindly consented to post this for us, the writers of this absurdly insane fic. We the writers are also known asKhari, eden, bookworm87, Asdis Brynja, Moonlight5, shadowfaxlover, chica morada, Effti, silverstar, shadowwolf, ibetinomrthnu, Secret Agent Monkey, sivvus, deadparrotjup, alanna4535, tamorafan, .elly., Vainglory, Ceildh, wildbookmage, StanTiger and Jenni Nikki in order of our first posts on the fic. This is a product of our warped minds and is in no way meant to be taken seriously. Thank you for putting up with us. cackles in the background Soon the insanity will overflow…
A/N: As you can see, they are all insane. I have managed to keep sane by not going to that discussion board too often. I'd like to stress again, do not take this seriously. It's just their (warped) idea of fun. Reviews would be nice, though they might not be heeded. They're already writing a sequel (shudder).
Summary: One-shot; pointless, crazy fluff. The Harry Potter characters are all warped up. Hilarious and insane. Not written by me, thank goodness.
Disclaimer: You can see whom its ghost written by, so I needn't explain my rights about the story. In other words, my rights are nil. Thank goodness. The toenail and er… golden thingy are the property of SheroesCentral. As well as the OOC personalities. Everything else belongs to J. K. Rowling.
Chapter 1: The French ToastHarry Potter woke upon Christmas morning with a feeling of apprehension in his loins and a burning sensation on his forehead. Unfortunately for Harry, it was not really Christmas, but his birthday. He'd been having a wonderful dream about eating French toast.
Chapter 2: The Atkins Diet
The Dursleys had put Dudley on the Atkins diet, so having French toast for breakfast was out of the question.
But he really wanted French toast, so he went to the kitchen.
Chapter 3: The Disappearing French Toast
When Harry got to the kitchen, he was surprised to see that all the French toast had been eaten.
Chapter 4: The Fake French Toast
Not that there had been any French toast in the first place, but nevertheless it had all been eaten, by Dudley.
Chapter 5: Harry Contemplates the French Toast
Harry still wanted French toast, so he decided to make some. But unfortunately, all wheat products had been banned from the house due to the Dursleys being on the Atkins diet. So instead, Harry decided to make pretend French toast. He opened the pretend cupboard and, to his surprise, found a giant festering toenail.
Chapter 13: THE TOENAIL APPEARS!
"RAAA!" it said. "I'm CRAZY FESTERING TOENAIL OF ICKLIBOGG. SO CRAZY!"
Chapter 14: Harry Whines
"My scar hurts", Harry whined as he shut the cupboard door.
Chapter 15: The Toenail Speaks
"Maybe that means I'm Voldemort flinch in disguise!" THE TOENAIL called from the cupboard. But Harry ignored it. The Dursleys were coming down for breakfast.
Chapter 16: Harry Whines Again
"My Scar STTTIIIILLLL Hurts", Harry whined again.
Chapter 17: Uncle Vernon Speaks
"Shut up you idiot boy!! I don't approve of your imagination!!" yelled Uncle Vernon at Harry.
Chapter 18: The Pretend Cupboard
Harry whimpered and dodged back inside the pretend cupboard to escape Uncle Vernon and the fake French toast. Harry's loins began to ache more than ever, and his scar promptly exploded. THE TOENAIL laughed at Harry's wounded forehead. Quite suddenly, Harry's good eye caught sight of a flash of gold next to THE TOENAIL.
Chapter 19: THE GOLDEN TESTICLE
"So you've noticed my golden testicle," said THE TOENAIL. "They're all the rage in Icklibogg, you know, Harry, my lover!" Harry could not repress a shudder of revulsion as THE TOENAIL spoke. Harry desperately tried to change the subject.
Chapter 20: Speaking
"Er...What's Icklibogg?"
THE TOENAIL rolled its non-existent eyes.
"You don't know?"
Harry was getting worried that the Durselys would discover him talking to a toenail. "No! I never know a damn thing about the wizarding world until it's explained to me."
Chapter 21: More Speaking
THE TOENAIL jumped out of the cabinet began a catchy theme song, "Well..."
"There once was a place called Icklibogg
Ah hum Ah hum
Every Friday night it started to fog
Ah hum Ah hum...
And when it fogged,
What would we see?
The people turned into toenail trees!
Ah hum Ah hum Ah hum
Badgers badgers badgers badgers
Ah hum Ah hum Ah hum
Mushroom mushroom!
Ah hum Ah hum
Harry huffed impatiently, "I still don't understand what a golden testicle has to do with all this."
THE TOENAIL scratched it's (black) head, saying: "Me neither. I was just told to say that by...my evil stepsister, the fingernail of Icklibogg!
Chapter 22: The French Toast Returns
Suddenly, Harry realized he had been dreaming and woke up. He sniffed and blinked away tears, thinking of the French toast and the beloved golden item that was gone forever. He wrote a letter to Sirius about the golden testicle, but realized that it sounded quite insane. Then looked down at himself and noticed a little bit of gold poking out...
Chapter 23: The Toenail Returns
"What's the snitch doing here," thought Harry. Just then, he heard a scratching coming from Hedwig's cage. Hedwig's cage erupted with molten gold, which suddenly formed itself into a miniature testicle. Hedwig squawked indignantly. The testicle was trying to flirt with her. Just then, Harry heard a familiar toenail-like voice.
"Ah hum...!"
"No! No!" Harry yelled frantically, "No more golden testicles or toenails from anyplace!"
Chapter 24: Lord Voldemort
"As you wish," sneered the testicle and THE TOENAIL in unison. They joined together and formed Lord Voldemort!
The transformation left Voldemort clad in a bikini with a golden testicle on his leg.
"Do you think this testicle makes me look fat?"
Chapter 25-43:
Harry Being Stupid, and Draco being sexy, and a huge orgy in Dumbledore's office...
Harry blinked. "Er... yes?" He squinted at the Dark Lord. "You totally have to get a new bikini too. This one is so not your colour."
Lord Voldemort looked down indignantly and then sighed. It was sad, but hot pink was not his colour at all. With a flick of his wand, he conjured up a moonlight blue bikini.
"Is this any better for the prowess of...drum roll LORD VOLDEMORT?! glass breaking," he asked.
Harry began to salivate. In his salivating, distracted state, Harry was unaware that Draco was in the corner of his room...wearing nothing but a pink, lacy SEX BRA.
For a moment, Harry thought it was only a pink, lacy SEX BRA, but comprehension dawned as he realized Malfoy was, too, wearing red lacy SEX SOCKS. With this astounding epiphany, Harry turned back to Lord Voldemort, who had once again changed outfits. This time, it was a black- and pink-polka-dotted ruffled SEX CORSET. It looked unnecessarily tight.
This corset reminded Harry of Katrina's very nifty purse. Face palming, Harry realized he wasn't supposed to know Katrina, and became thoroughly enticed.
Draco laughed crazily, scratching his golden testicle. "MWAHAHA. Hello, Potter," he said, sneering.
"Hello, Newman," said Harry, distracted by the glint of gold. Harry realized that his hair was irreparably mussed and burst into tears.
"You cry?! Potty weakling," drawled Malfoy.
Annoyed by the lack of attention, Lord Voldemort began to gyrate. Then Time Warp. Then - inexplicably - the fandango. During his spontaneous fandango, the lord of all that was evil and malicious decided to conjure up Deano for some live, catchy tunes.
"When the moon hits your eye / Like a big pizza pie / That's amore..." crooned the Dark Lord. several minutes later "That's Amoooooooore..." finished Deano. Tears trickled down the faces of all but Harry, who was too dull-witted to see a once in a lifetime live experience when it was in front of his face. The entire crowd burst into applause, then laughter at Harry's stricken expression. Harry attempted to reach for his wand, but he was stunned to find that Voldemort's testicle was detachable, a function which the Dark Lord used to throw the thing itself and Harry's hand, removing his wand.
Harry, dimwitted though he was, knew opportunity when it knocked. He picked up the testicle and became...A striking resemblance of THE TOENAIL. This confused Voldemort, for he couldn't aim at the toenail and produce an effective "Avada Kedavra!" To further the confusion, Poor Dark Lord realized that Avada Kedavra sounded strangely like the much more childish, "Abra Kadabra!"
Voldemort threw himself on the floor and had a tantrum. Luckily, Harry had taken a babysitting course, so...He conjured up a hot bottle of milk fast as could be, whipping out a soother, with which he...caressed Voldemort's diaper rash.
"Wormtail isn't a very good babysitter, is he evil-weevil snakey-poo?" Harry crooned.
"I'm not a snakey-poo! I'm an evil - weevil dominating Dark Lord who will cause you to have an untimely death if you don't --"
"There, there," consoled Harry, "we all have our bad moments."
Voldemort let out a burp and fell asleep. Harry realized that his arch enemy was sleeping in his arms.
"What to do," he thought. With dawning comprehension that this was the time in which Harry could beat him at the one thing he'd been seeking to his entire life...
He pulled out a scrabble board, awoke the now asleep Voldemort, and challenged him to a game. Two minutes later, they were in a fierce competition to see who the master of words was.
"P-r-o-t-e-g-o," spelled Voldemort.
"E-x-p-e-l-" started Harry in his head, thinking of attaching Expelliarmus to Protego. He soon realized he had neither the amount, nor the right type of letters for the job, and decided instead to challenge Voldemort to a duel. Only later did he realize that it would have been a better idea to kill him without warning.
The forgotten Draco Malfoy in his hot pink socks pouted at the lack of attention. Draco conjured up a pole and began dancing, and the Dark Lord threw his golden testicle at him. Suddenly Dobby appeared and took the blow for his former master. "Dobby loves Master Draco!" the house elf squeaked out before he turned into a toenail.
Then suddenly Harry felt the urge to lick the toenail... which was strange. Unfortunately, Voldemort still wanted to duel. Before Harry could fill his burning desire to see Malfoy strip lick the toenail, he resolutely decided to duel Voldemort with...the imaginary French toast from earlier on in the story. Little did they know it was MAGICAL French toast!
MAGICAL French toast that, within it, possessed a power so strong, that if used to its entire potential, could...turn Voldemort into...a doughnut.
The doughnut was delicious, Harry had to admit. Unfortunately for Harry, he had no idea how to use the toenail, and Voldemort never turned into a Krispy Kreme doughnut.
He was only a normal doughnut. Harry sat down and wept.
Realizing that Krispy Kreme itself was impossible to attain for poor Harry, he set out to remedy this. To do so, he...Firebombed a Krispy Kreme store. George and Fred helped a little. Fred lost a finger in the process.
"What's the snitch doing here," he thought for the second time. But he soon realized that it wasn't the snitch...but instead, the bothersome golden testicle.
"Halt! That's my testicle!" proclaimed Rita Skeeter! But she was shoved out of the way by...A bathrobe clad Dumbledore. Angered that he had to be in the plot at all, Dumbledore summoned...his lover. "Lucius," he called in a high-pitched chirp. Rita Skeeter was mad. "I thought I was your lover, Dumby!"
"You're a twit!" snapped Dumbledore. "Lucious and I are destined have heated romance affairs while you are left to be a slave in Hermoine's harem for the rest of your days."
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Screeched Rita excessively.
Um, nitpicking. It's 'Lucius' not 'Lucious'.
Said Lucious Lucius.
Suddenly, Neville appeared and started to give Harry a lap dance. Neville was actually quite good and had probably been practicing on Luna. Having physically known she was talked about, Luna apparated into the room with a Crumple-Horned Snorkank.
"Look at me!" she beckoned, "Pay attention to me! I've got a crumple - bumple thingamabob for Gods sake!"
Neville sidled over to her. "That's great, my sexy little plaything." They began to snog each other with passionate ferocity. Harry sighed a little that his lap dance had been so rudely interrupted. He looked around for Draco, wondering where he had gotten to. Suddenly a thestral appeared and ate the golden testicle along with Draco. Determined to get Draco back, our disturbed magical hero...jumped resolutely down the threstral's throat, emerging in a huge, cavernous...chamber that looked remarkably like one he had been down before. He realized it was the Chamber of secrets and wondered how he had gotten there.
Then suddenly Draco appeared, with the Golden Testicle, "It was all a trap Potter to get you...To the Dark Lord's lair!" Draco declared triumphantly.
"Yes, yes, very good Draco," droned Voldemort. "Now it's my turn to do the dirty, evil talking." He swiftly took the How to talk evil and dirty for Dummies book out of Draco's hand.
But Harry took a fang out of a passing Basilisk's mouth, swiftly stabbing the book through its centre!
A lone page drifted to Voldemort's hand. "Prepare to meet your doom/demise/unfortunate end/untimely death/ancestors/testicle!" He read desperately. And then Sirius walked in! This was very difficult, because he was dead. And Harry went through the 5 stages of shock: amazement, denial, excitement, frustration, and desire directed at... Kreacher, who was striping in the corner.
Hermione, noticing this, began to sidle up to Krecher with the intent to snog. However, Winky pushed her out of the way and took Kreacher back to Harry's room to join the make-out party. Ron, Fred and George inexplicably appeared. Ron grabbed Hermione, and while they began to argue about who knows what, Fred and George found the golden testicle and decided to...do something mischievous with it, because it would not follow their characters personalities if they didn't. So, inserting some random mischievous deed, the two twins...stuck the testicle in Draco's mouth which inexplicably caused Ron and Hermione to make out instantaneously.
Thus causing said couple to finally realize that they had always been deeply in love with each other. After several cliched declarations of undying love, Ron and Hermione began to argue yet again, as this was the cornerstone of their relationship. Harry sighed wistfully. Would he never find his make-out partner? His wandering eye fell sadly on a picture of Voldemort, in a love-heart frame.
Then it fell on the one next to it, of Malfoy in a similar frame. "How to choose...?" he murmured.
Then it came to him: If he couldn't choose between Malfoy and Voldemort, he'd need to blend the two!
Suddenly, Harry's mother, Lily Potter was standing there...with an expression of disgust on her face. "Harry, everyone KNOWS you're engaged to Dumbledore!"
Mommy?" Harry whimpered as he began to suck his thumb. "Bud I dun wanna mawwy Dumby!" Then suddenly there was a crash and smoke...and Lucius Malfoy appeared in drag. The house elves returned from 'work' promptly, ready to hump Lucius's leg at the slightest order...and, while attacking the house-elves, Lily said,
"Harry, I would like you to meet your real father"
"Daddy!" Harry cries, running towards Lucius...however, Lucius pushed him out of the way malevolently.
"I'm not you're father, boy. He is!" corrected Lucius pointing at... Hagrid, who promptly leaps towards Harry for a hug. However, since Hagrid was so enormous, leaping caused the ground to shake, revealing within its cracks, an...
... abnormally large hippogriff WITH a golden testicle, which squawked indignantly. The Hippogriff, not the testicle I'm assuming. This recurring golden testicle made Harry question the plot motives of those around him. The hippogriff decided to attack Harry, knocking him out of the way and getting crushed by Hagrid as a result. Weeping over what he had accidentally done, Hagrid...began to dance the Clog dance of Sadness.
The Clog dance of Sadness didn't work, so he sat down and ate the hippogriff instead...
Chapter 44: The End
The End
"You...You...you ended it...." wept Harry.
"Don't just sit there blubbering!" yelped Voldemort, who then, with a flick of his wand, made The End, disappear.
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