Bittersweet

This fic picks up right before the conversation between Olivia and Amanda in the episode 'service'. (Season 19 episode 18.)

"What's going on, Rollins?"

The way the Lieutenant spoke her name sounded so formal, so professional, almost too professional for Amanda's liking, and her heart sank at the sound of it. During the past few months the two women on the squad had become real close, best friends almost, but hearing her boss' stoic and firm tone made her feel like they were back to square one again and that Olivia had changed her opinion, thoughts and feelings towards the blonde, treating her like she was invisible and disposable again, like she had done before they had finally reached common ground.

It was like a sharp stab wound to her gut when she turned her head to look at her boss and saw the deep brown eyes peering at her from above the thick rim of her glasses, eyebrows raised ad waiting for an answer. There didn't seem to be any concern or curiosity displayed on Olivia's face, as to why Amanda had been acting so out of character since they had taken on their last case that involved the rape of a prostitute named Sky.

Amanda knew she had acted like a bitch towards their victim, which was completely against everything she believed in as well as to never, ever, blame a victim for what happened to them but, she had lashed out, unable to contain her anger and frustration and, therefore, she had let it all come out, humiliating and degrading the poor girl. Olivia was surely disappointed and disgusted by her shocking behaviour and probably couldn't wait to bring her into her office and rip her a new one. She was actually surprised that she hadn't done so already.

"You want to talk about it?"

Now that question surprised her even more. Talking had never been one of Amanda's strong sides and she would go to almost any lengths to avoid it completely but she knew she was in a tight spot here and couldn't risk getting annoyed or angry at her boss for asking. However, she did her best to decline the offer as politely and professionally as she possibly could, not wanting to cause the Lieutenant any unnecessary stress.

"I'll get over it." she simply stated with a faint smile plastered on her lips as she sat down on a seat just next to the unit of the squad's changing lockers, hoping that Liv would leave it at that and not question her further about it.

Olivia pursed her lips and nodded, eyeing the blonde for a few seconds before getting up from her seat. "Whatever it is, don't take it out on Sky." she then walked out of the room and closed the door behind her, leaving Amanda alone with her thoughts.

The day finally came to an end but Amanda wasn't looking forward to going home to an empty apartment and hauled her ass getting out of the precinct. Carisi and Fin had already left for the evening but as usual Olivia was still inside her office making calls and working through the endless pile of paperwork that was continuously growing day by day. She hoped she could stay for at least another hour before Liv would even notice that she was still hanging around but that plan didn't go very well as her phone rang loudly, causing Olivia to look through the glass window of her office, locking eyes with her female detective. Frowning in surprise she came out from behind her desk and entered the bullpen.

"You still here? I thought you left with the guys." she stated as she slowly approached the smaller woman who was holding the phone in her hand, looking at the screen with a serious and solemn expression on her face. "You gonna answer that?"

"Ugh?" Amanda blinked and snapped her head up to meet her boss' gaze. "Um, no." she replied and pressed the decline button, placing her cell on her desk only to find the screen lighting up once again as another call came through, the name of the person calling popping up, clear enough for Liv to see.

"Who's Al?" she questioned and took a couple of steps closer to the smaller woman, now standing right next to her.

"No one." Amanda answered abruptly and focused her attention on her computer screen instead, now clearly distracted and somewhat frustrated.

"He must be someone. Is he your boyfriend?"

Once again Amanda snapped her head up and threw an angry glare at her boss for being so god damn nosy. "He's no one. Just let it go... please."

To Olivia, the word please sounded almost like a plea, a sign of distress and angst that rooted itself inside her chest, slowly growing bigger as she observed the painfilled mask that now covered the blonde's features, her whole body rigid and tense from the, so obviously unexpected, phone call.

"You know you can talk to me right, Amanda?" Olivia's voice now sounded completely different from their last conversation in the break room a few hours ago. Her tone was currently soft and languid, velvety with a touch of concern.

Amanda couldn't help but to let out a snort and chuckled dryly. "So it's Amanda now, is it? What happened to Rollins?" she snapped bitterly but instantly regretted it when she realized that she had just added more fuel to the fire and Olivia would, without a doubt, sense that something was up, more so now than before. "Sorry." she whispered, hoping that that would be enough and for the older woman to leave it alone. "Everything is fine, Lieutenant."

However, Olivia wouldn't- couldn't, let it go. It was in her nature to be curious, to question situations that didn't seem right to her and especially when one of her team members were involved and presumably in some kind of trouble. "You sure? If he's bothering you in any way I can make a few calls and..."

"You? You can make a few calls? I'm a big girl, Lieutenant. I can handle things myself, thank you. I broke things off with him anyway so there's nothing to worry about." her cell rang for the third time and the bright screen revealed who the caller was and, just what she thought, wasn't surprised to see Al's name once more. Sighing heavily, Amanda declined the call and turned her phone on to silent mode, sick of the loud and obnoxious noise it made.

Just as Olivia was about to comment on her last sentence, Amanda's cell rang for the fourth time, this time vibrating hard against the wooden surface of her desk. Instead of ignoring the call, the blonde took a deep breath and answered it, her face flushed from anger, almost pure rage, as she completely lost it in front of her Lieutenant.

"You've got some nerve to keep calling after what you did to me. I told you two nights ago that were over, done, finished, which part of that don't you get? Do I need to come over and point my fucking gun at your head for you to understand? Stop calling!"

The phone was clutched tightly in her hand, her knuckles turning white and bloodless from the fierce hold. She quickly disconnected the call before Al had a chance to even utter a word, there was nothing he could say to make things less painful, less ugly or less degrading. Cardiologist Al was now, hopefully, out of the picture for good and if he didn't get that nasty hint- then she would make sure that hell would rain on top of him wherever he went.

"Amanda, tell me what's going on! Who is this guy and what did he do to you?" the alarm in her voice was now prominent, worried for her friend and colleague. "Did he hurt you?" when there was no answer Olivia bent forward slightly and she could make out Amanda's pale blue eyes that were now starting to cloud with involuntary tears. "He hurt you, didn't he?"

Liv scanned her body up and down, trying to see if there was any visible injuries like bruises or scratches that she had previously missed but she couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, at least not where her skin was not covered. "Where did he hurt you, honey?" she asked softly, reaching a hand out to touch the young blonde on the shoulder but Amanda quickly pulled away before they made contact.

"I'm fine." she spat, "He... he didn't hurt me. I would never let a man physically abuse me again, not after Patton." her blue eyes were brimming before they finally flooded down her cheeks in small rivulets, her whole body now shaking with anger.

It was then that Oivia realized that Amanda wasn't physically hurt but it had to do with the emotional aspect of it all. The heartache, the betrayal and the scars it left on the very soul was enough pain and suffering to last for a long, but also an undetermined amount of time. Emotional pain was sometimes worse than physical and would always take longer to heal.

"Who is Al, Amanda?"

The Lieutenant's voice was so low and soft it caused Amanda to cringe as she did everything in her power to stop the onslaught of threatening tears. "We were dating." she finally admitted.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone. Was it serious?" seizing the opportunity, she grabbed a nearby chair and sat herself down at the side of Amanda's desk, keeping at least a foot length between them for the younger woman's comfort.

"I thought... I thought we had something but..." she chuckled, berating herself for being so stupid and for not seeing this coming. "I guess I was wrong. Joke is on me, right? I suppose it's more fun running around with escorts than spending time with a plain boring southern girl like myself." she laughed once more and shook her head in a resigned manner. "I'll get over it."

"Amanda." Liv argued. "I'm so sorry." her tone was heartfelt, deep and sincere, her chest constricted with sympathy for her friend, feeling her pain as if it was her own. Liv only hesitated for a second before she scooted closer to the young upset woman and took a small hand in her own larger two, warming the slightly cool skin with her warmth, feeling her tense up and watched as she desperately tried to control her tears and emotions.

"Amanda, honey, you can cry in front of me. I'm not gonna think any less of you for crying." she soothed, her thumb rubbing gentle circles a the back of Amanda's hand, hoping she was providing some comfort by the tender action. "And by the way, you're not plain or boring. You're one of the most beautiful, fierce, strong, funny and intelligent women I know so, whatever the hell this 'Al guy' is doing, it's his loss. The joke is on him, honey, not you."

Her bottom lip quivered at her boss' caring words and the feeling of embarrassment crept up on her as she could feel the inevitable approaching rapidly. It happened faster than she expected. Her head swam with jumbled emotions and thoughts, the tears were now flowing freely down her flushed cheeks, leaving pale marks in their wake and her chest tightened, making it almost impossible to breath and she instantly began wheezing as she tried to feed her starved lungs with some much needed air.

"Easy, honey, you've got this. Just relax and breath. I'm right here with you." Olivia hushed, removed one of her hands from it's firm grip and placed it on Amanda's heaving chest, feeling her heart hammering underneath her palm. "Oh, honey! It's okay, come here." she gestured with her arms, holding them out for Amanda to fall into. "Come here, sweetheart."

Against her better judgement, Amanda involuntary crumbled and collapsed into a sobbing mess against the older woman's body as she felt two strong arms wrap around her back, one hand rubbing soothing circles on her white shirt as Olivia's other hand disappeared into blonde locks of hair, holding her head tightly against the crook of her neck.

"I'm so sorry for the way he treated you, you deserve better than that, much much better. Shhh, you're okay, honey, you're okay." she began rocking them both in a gentle motion, side to side while whispering soothing nothings into her ear, rubbing her back. A few minutes passed before Amanda pulled away and angrily wiped at her tear stained face, causing her mascara to smear across her cheeks. The devastated and defeated look on the younger woman's blotchy face made her heart swell with emotion and the streaked and smeared make up almost made her look like a small girl who lost her mother in the supermarket.

"I'm sorry." Amanda whispered. "I didn't mean to cry all over you like that. You're my boss and I shouldn't have..."

"Amanda!" the brunette interrupted firmly, not letting the blonde finish her sentense. "You're right, I am your boss but I'm also your friend and I care about you, I care what happens to you and I care about your feelings and emotions. Embarrassment doesn't even enter the conversation, honey." there was a brief pause and Olivia watched as her young detective kept wiping at her tears and she fished out a packet of tissues from the pocket of her coat. She pulled one out but withdrew her hand as Amanda attampted to take it from her. "Let me." Liv whispered and tentatively cupped the blonde's chin with her left hand while her right tenderly started to dab at the wet patches of skin, doing her best to remove the dripping mascara.

It was a tender act of kindness and maybe even a, somewhat, motherly gesture, coming from her boss, but she was too surprised, too shell shocked to pull away from the gentle touch and instead found herself glued to her seat, almost too scared to move as she hesitantly gazed into the Lieutenant's dark brown orbs. She saw the care, the honesty and the compassion in her eyes, so many emotions playing across the older woman's features that were displayed just for her. The soft and gentle movement of Olivia's hand felt soothing and surprisingly welcomed and she even, unconsciously, leaned into the touch as her eyes fluttered briefly.

"How long has this been going on for, honey?" she asked softly as she tossed the smudged piece of tissue into the garbage can and, once again, took a hold of Amanda's hand, providing some comfort and closeness to her distraught subordinate.

Still embarrassed about her little break down, Amanda kept her gaze lowered and an immense feeling of shame crashed over her as she realized how intimate this whole situation really was and how tenderly Olivia had cupped her face just a few seconds ago, almost as if they were a couple. "Um,... we've been dating for the past six months." she began shakily, sniffling and wiping at her nose and eyes. "I though... I thought we were doing good but apparently he has been paying escorts thousands of dollars for the past eight weeks just so he can get off. I should've known." she snorted, a sad smile forming on her lips. "All those nights I was working late, doctor Al was out and about, getting his fill. How didn't I see this coming?"

She was laughing as she spoke, as if she was amused and entertained by her own behaviour and for not sensing that something wasn't right ages ago. She should've known that something was up when he seemed to start losing interest in her a few weeks back but she had pushed it aside, hoping that she was just over thinking things or being paranoid.

"Amanda, you can't blame youself. None of this is on you, honey." she reassured while trying to establish eye contact with the woman before her.

Blue eyes suddenly met brown and the tears began to flow again. "What do they have that I don't? Am I that bad in bed that he had to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction? I... I thought that..."

Liv quicky interrupted her by, again, firmly grabbing onto her chin, determined to get her message across. "Amanda, you listen to me and you listen good. You are not responsible for his actions. Whatever he did and whatever he's doing is not your fault. Don't be thinking that you're not enough or that you're lacking in something because you're not. You are more than enough, Amanda, and if he can't see that, then that's his loss. He is the one lacking in something and obviously feels the need to go and look for whatever that is elsewhere. You are enough, Amanda. You are beyond enough."

It meant a lot to Amanda to hear those words coming from her boss and when the brunette had finished her little speech, she felt calmer, more at ease and definitely stronger than what she had felt only a minute ago. Wiping the falling tears away with the back of her hand, she offered the brunette a faint smile, her eyes glistening with raw emotions.

"Thank you, Olivia. That means a lot."

Carefully Amanda snaked her arms around the older woman's middle, squeezed her tightly and placed her head on a strong and solid shoulder, feeling loved and secure in the arms of her Lieutenant.

The End