Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day
SEASON 1
EPISODE 12
Airdate: April 21, 2013
Title: Rules For Using Facebook
Homage To Classic TV: None (Buster tells the viewers how a Thank You, Heavenly episode is made)
Special Guest Stars: Jason Ritter as Mark Zuckerberg
Satire: Social networking sites and the absurdity that comes with them
SCENE 1
Fenway Park
Interior Stadium
Boston, Massachusetts
The boys are sitting together in a row in an empty Fenway Park near the dugout. Wade is wearing a Shane Victorino jersey. The group is reflecting on the bombings at the Boston Marathon.
WADE: The Red Sox game finished less than an hour ago, and I head back to my hotel room…..all of a sudden, I see it on every news channel.
RK: I don't get it. Who the hell would do this?
BUSTER: A Yankees fan?
(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: Buster…
BUSTER: Sorry. Just trying to lighten up the mood.
(long pause)
SPARKY: Halley and I were walking to her house after school, and the bombings happened a few minutes later. We watch it on TV, she looks at me and says, "Sparky, are we next?" I didn't know what to say.
BUSTER: You know, we've been through a really hard year as Americans.
RK: I'll drink to that.
WADE: What I want to know is, where's the endgame? The cutoff point? When does all this senseless violence just stop?
SPARKY: Wade, I hate to be the bear of bad news, but I have the feeling it isn't over. In fact, it's just beginning.
(the boys stare at each other and then at the camera as the screen slowly fades to black)
SCENE 2
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade has on a Kevin Garnett jersey, as a silent respect for Boston.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to My Two Dads.
(Michael and Joey are in bed)
JOEY: So, are you gonna give me a Muscular Soldier tonight?
MICHAEL: I have a headache. Leave me alone.
(Michael turns away so Joey can see the back of his head)
JOEY: Fine. I'll just give it to Nicole.
MICHAEL: COUNT ME IN, DAMMIT!
(Michael and Joey open Nicole's room)
JOEY: Nicole, sweetheart, you still awake?
NICOLE: What the hell?
WADE: No wonder this show only lasted three seasons. It's awful.
(Wade turns off the TV)
WADE: I guess I'll go with the guys to the ice cream shop for some vanilla caramel milkshakes. Oh, guys?
(long pause)
WADE: GUYS? GUYS? HELLO, TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS?!
(Sparky, Buster, and RK don't respond upstairs)
WADE: That's weird. They're usually not this quiet. This is weirder than when Buster started listening to De La Soul.
(Wade is doing his math homework)
BUSTER: DA INNER SOUND, Y'ALL!
WADE: Wait, what?
(Sparky is on his iPad, Buster is on his Kindle Fire, and RK is on his laptop. They're all in Wade's room on Facebook.)
RK: Hey, Buster, did you reply to my PM?
(reading) BUSTER: Will you go out with me? (imitating Michael Kyle) Ehhhhhh….no.
(RK has an angry stare)
SPARKY: "Like if you hate cancer. If you ignore, God will punish you." Good Lord, not this again!
WADE: Guys, I was calling you from downstairs. You didn't hear me?
(imitating Michael Kyle) BUSTER: Ehhhhhh…no.
RK: Maybe you didn't have anything important to say. Did you ever think about that, Wade?
(Wade has a half-bored look, and a half-"I'm gonna kill this nigga" look)
WADE: Oh no, please don't tell me you're on Facebook again!
SPARKY: Wade, Facebook is the gateway to the world.
WADE: No, the Internet is the gateway to the world. Facebook is the graffiti and roadkill under the gateway.
BUSTER: You know, I never understood why you hated Facebook.
WADE: FACEBOOK IS POISON! Shit like that is what's ruining our country! This is what Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter preach about.
RK: Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter have never preached about Facebook ruining our country.
WADE: Oh. Well, they should've.
SPARKY: This is all coming from Mr. I Use Twitter 24/7 Because I'm A Real Nigga.
WADE: I AM a real nigga. Twitter is for real niggas. Like my sweetheart Alyssa Milano.
BUSTER: Twitter is for the LGBT.
(long pause; RK doesn't seem upset or annoyed)
BUSTER: RK, I SAID, "TWITTER IS FOR THE LGBT!"
RK: I heard you the first time, baby.
BUSTER: Then aren't you going to tell me to shut the (bleep) up about that?
RK: No. Because unlike racism, homophobia never seems to end these days. That's why I don't say or do anything about it.
WADE: Look, the point is, Facebook is bad. It's time-consuming, it's smug, it's self-aggrandizing….
SPARKY: You know Sanna uses Facebook, right?
(long pause)
WADE: Sign me up.
BUSTER: We already did.
(long pause)
WADE: Why would you guys make me a Facebook account without my consent?
RK: Because we're awesome like that.
WADE: NO, YOU'RE NOT!
SPARKY: Wade, do you want the (bleep) account or not?
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
WADE: I'm just saying you're impossible. And your reasoning is too.
BUSTER: I'm a complex man, Wade!
SPARKY: What are you guys fighting about?
WADE: We were fighting on Facebook last night.
RK: Awww, your first Facebook fight.
BUSTER: Yeah. This guy sits there and posts, "The Illuminati isn't real so everyone should just squash it."
WADE: It ISN'T real. Why would it be known to everyone if it's supposed to be a secret society?
BUSTER: They said, "Hey. We're taking over soon. You might as well know who we are."
WADE: These are the same people that think the Illuminati killed Michael Jackson!
BUSTER: They DID kill him because he was going to reveal his membership during the This Is It tour!
WADE: Where are you getting this bull?
BUSTER: Jhoan. And he has the inside track on the Illuminati so he knows what he's talking about.
WADE: JHOAN IS A (BLEEP) RETARD!
RK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't talk about my grillfriend that way.
WADE: I can…grillfriend? What the hell is that?
RK: Friends that grill food together. Jhoan has the BEST recipe for porterhouse steak.
WADE: I've never heard of that.
SPARKY: Wade, Jhoan and RK were grillfriending at my barbeque a few weeks ago. Remember?
Apparently, Sparky is right. RK was wearing an apron that said, "Make The Cook's Wiener Hot."
RK: So, are you sure the juices will seep into the patties well?
JHOAN: In order for the juice to stay on the patties, you have to BELIEVE in the patties.
RK: BELIEVE in the patties.
WADE: RK, the Jell-O….
(long pause)
WADE: Um, hello, Jhoan?
JHOAN: Oh, hey. I'm helping RK believe in the patties.
WADE: Oh, OK. RK, the Jell-O melted. Apparently, Buster thought it was a good idea to keep it warm. (rolls eyes)
RK: OK, just keep it in the freezer for now. And make sure Sparky calls PickleTown. The whole meal is dependent on the gherkin.
WADE: Got it. And Jhoan, just…..rise above.
(Wade closes the door while shaking his head)
JHOAN: What did he mean by that?
RK: I have no idea. Puberty, I think.
JHOAN: Oh well.
(RK and Jhoan go back to grilling the patties)
SCENE 4
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Dining Area
Seattle, Washington
("Check The Rhime" by A Tribe Called Quest playing over the speakers)
Wade is enjoying a large vanilla caramel milkshake. He's on his laptop Facebooking, messaging Sanna.
(typing) WADE: Sanna, I love you, and I've loved you since the first day I saw you. If you give me the chance, I'll love you like no other guy has. (sends)
SEEN 4:23 PM
SANNA: Please leave me the hell alone, you stalker asswipe!
WADE: She so wants me. Better check my news feed. (reading) This man lost his ability to walk after being shot six times at 15 years old and is now partially paralyzed from the waist down. Like this to show respect. Ignore to show cruelty. No WAY would I show cruelty. (likes photo)
(Wade scrolls down)
WADE: This baby has a serious tumor in her brain. She might die. Like to donate $5 in your name to her fund. Comment to donate $15. Share to donate $25. Ignore to watch her become a smoldering dirt-covered pile of carcass. HELL NO! (Wade shares the photo) Wow, Facebook is actually quite intelligent. Maybe Mark Zuckerberg DOES know what he's doing. Like Halley when she annoys Sparky about her day.
HALLEY: And then….
SPARKY: Mm-hmm.
HALLEY: Julio said Kelsi still wanted him….
SPARKY: Yup.
HALLEY: But Kelsi cheated on him with Elliot AND Christian.
SPARKY: I hear ya.
HALLEY: So I said, "Julio, Kelsi needs to suck someone else's dick and get out of your life, like, NOW."
SPARKY: Word up.
HALLEY: But Julio still has feelings for her.
SPARKY: Time for Timer.
HALLEY: So, what do you think he should do?
(eyes widen) SPARKY: If I was in the Civil Rights Movement and dogs were after me, I'd take off my belt and start whooping on the dogs.
(Halley stops talking, and Sparky looks pissed)
SCENE 5
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is on Facebook again in the evening. He hasn't tweeted in almost three weeks. At least he remembers his homework-and his friends for that matter.
WADE: Damn, look at Sanna's bridesmaid dress for her cousin's wedding. I'd kill to do some yum-yum bouncy bounce with HER. Wait, what the hell?
(Wade is reading Sparky's status)
WADE: "These photos really annoy me. People exploiting the misery of others for likes. How pathetic?" Oh no, this sumbitch is gonna learn.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky, Buster, and RK are working on their Earth Day project)
(to Sparky) BUSTER: So, was Danny Pintauro gay when he was on Who's The Boss?
SPARKY: Um…..
(Wade bursts in)
WADE: Sparky, you stupid little mother(bleep)!
RK: Wade, bubby, baby, what did Sparko do?
WADE: Liking a photo is a sign of respect, Sparky. We're doing them a favor by showing how much we care.
SPARKY: Posting photos of people suffering and exploiting them for likes is pathetic. That's not going to fix anything.
BUSTER: Wade, you're on Facebook AGAIN? What about your Earth Day project?
WADE: I met with Manny and Will after school and worked on it. We're making a model of an environmentally-friendly utopia. What about you guys?
RK: We're collecting recyclables.
WADE: Classic fourth-grade approach.
SPARKY: Dude, this is hard work. I must've drank 10 cans of Mountain Dew today.
RK: I'm pretty beat too.
BUSTER: You guys are weak. I've been drinking Dew since I woke up this morning, and I feel fine.
(Buster takes another sip, and collapses)
WADE: Should we call someone?
RK: No. He'll just wake up a half-hour later and forget what happened.
SCENE 7
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade is doing a little more Facebooking before bedtime.
WADE: Hey, cool! Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg will be at The Fairmont Olympic Hotel this Saturday from noon-3:00 pm for a press conference on the new profile options for the site. The first 100 people there will receive an autographed picture of Zuckerberg himself. Damn. I HAVE to go there! Wait a minute. Ashley in her cheerleading outfit? Good Lord, put those pom-poms down, Ash-Rod!
("Pom Poms" by the Jonas Brothers plays in the background, and the scene ends from there)
KIDS: And now, a word from Buster!
BUSTER: Hey kids! I'm Buster Newman, main character of Thank You, Heavenly. And I'm here to show you how an episode of the show is made. Come on!
(we see a bunch of writers sitting in a table)
BUSTER: These are the writers for Thank You, Heavenly. One of them is supervisor Norman Lear, and our creator Mike Anderson. They all spend two hours at the most coming up with episode ideas. Once they've got the storylines, Anderson works with writers such as Dave Stevens, Eric Beadlemeyer, and Nicola Young, to come up with a script. The script is then turned into a storyboard, where the animation director Nelson Johnston times every movement of each scene in the episode. The voice actors record their lines, and Johnston adds those lines to the movements. Unless it's a special episode, the show usually finishes one within less than two weeks. This gives the writers a chance to add topical humor to the script, like on South Park. The writers also add references to several TV shows, even the ones you don't know.
(the cast watches the episode in Beadlemeyer's house)
BUSTER: The whole cast and crew watches the episode the night it first airs.
MIKE: I always remember The Simpsons staff saying that it's like a baby that they nurture. A cartoon baby. I know exactly what they were talking about.
NORMAN: It's gratifying to be buried in the trenches, in a way, for a couple days, and then come out with something everyone will love.
BUSTER: Thanks for watching, guys!
KIDS: And now, back to Arthur!
RK: WRONG SHOW, DUMBASSES!
KIDS: And now, back to Thank You, Heavenly!
SCENE 8
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: So, how much do you love me?
HALLEY: So much that I'd kill myself if it meant you'd live.
SPARKY: Now that's a woman.
(Sparky and Halley giggle and kiss)
BUSTER: Gross.
RK: Hey Buster, why don't you make out with me like that?
(annoyed) BUSTER: Because I'm not gay.
RK: You know, you don't have to be so blunt.
BUSTER: Dude, this sucks! Halley is NOT a good fourth member of TSE.
HALLEY: SUCK YOUR OWN DICK, BUSTER!
BUSTER: Why don't I eat you out? Huh? YOU WANT ME TO (BLEEP) EAT YOU OUT RIGHT NOW?! COME ON, I'LL GIVE YOU THE (BLEEP) CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER PIE AT (BLEEP) TGI FRIDAY'S RIGHT NOW!
(extremely long pause; Buster has drawn the attention of almost everybody)
HALLEY: Dude, you are SO gross.
SPARKY: Buster, I'll kick you in the teeth next time you do that.
BUSTER: Sorry. Can I have my Juicy Juice? In a box, not a bottle.
RK: Apple or fruit punch?
BUSTER: Ooh, fruit punch!
(Buster drinks the Juicy Juice like a four-year-old; RK even fixed the straw for him, and Sparky and Halley are bewildered)
HALLEY: So, where IS Wade anyway?
SPARKY: Outside on Facebook. I swear, that kid just wants to go on that damn site any time he has a laptop or an iPad or a Kindle in his hand.
RK: Maybe we should accept this, Sparky. I mean, Wade hasn't ego-tripped before.
SPARKY: I know. But once he gets hooked on something, he goes overboard. It's worse than people who sell stuff on the train for unknown causes.
GERALD: Hi, everybody. My name is Gerald, and I'm selling this (bleep) chocolate to keep dumbass kids away from gangs and guns. I'm not here for your money only. I'm not stealing, I'm not killing, I'm just candy-dealing, OK? Now, I have almond M&Ms, dark chocolate Hershey's with almonds, almond Snickers, peanut butter Twix, and white chocolate Reese's. They're all pretty nasty. I tasted them, so trust me. But they're 50 cents apiece. And since my mom don't feed me or nothing, I'll just make a living by embarrassing myself for your (bleep) amusement. OK? Now who wants to buy some (bleep) candy?
SCENE 9
Fairmont Olympic Hotel
Interior Conference Room
Seattle, Washington
(Mark Zuckerberg is about to speak)
WADE: I can't believe I'll get to meet the creator of Facebook! This is more exciting than R. Kelly when he reads children's books.
(R. Kelly is reading a children's book adaptation of his song "Trapped in the Closet")
R. KELLY: AND HE WALKS UP THE STAIRS! AND HE WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY! AND HE OPENS THE DOOR! AND HE WALKS TOWARD THE CLOSET! AND HE OPENS THE CLOSET! AND IT'S OPENING SLOWLY! AND HE'S TAKING HIS SWEET TIME! I HAD GRILLED CHEESE FOR LUNCH!
MARK: Ladies and gentlemen, the future is upon us all. We know, as social media users, that we want to be more in control. More powerful. Which is what I plan to do. Introducing the new Facebook News Feed.
(the spectators "ooh" and "aah" and say "sexy")
WADE: Looks pretty crappy.
MARK: You can filter News Feed posts based on your interests, like music-related posts or sports-related posts. For the first time, you can see everything your friends post in chronological order. And there's a "Following" feed that includes posts from pages you like and people you're subscribed to. Photos are bigger, friend confirmation messages are more informative, and there's a stronger relation with the smartphone, the tablet, and the desktop. Planet Earth, welcome to the NEW Facebook, daddy!
(tons of cheering)
WADE: Awesome. Just totally awesome.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
WADE: Oh no.
(Manny and Will are heading towards Wade)
(worried) WADE: Hey guys. How's tricks?
WILL: Everything's fine. Except for the fact that you've DITCHED us the past two project meetings.
WADE: Well, you see…..
MANNY: Wade, you're the hardest worker in class. What have you been doing after school? Don't tell me you've been riding Jose Reyes' dick.
WADE: I've just been very busy.
WILL: Well, clear up your schedule today. We have to present that utopia tomorrow.
WADE: Don't worry, everything's under control.
MANNY: It better be. Don't (bleep) this up by being a (bleep) Dominican, Wade.
(Manny and Will leave, then Wade leaves)
RK: Boy, Wade's really spiraling down.
SPARKY: I don't get it. A month ago, Wade hated Facebook. Now, he's addicted to it. How come that's never happened to us?
(Buster puts his head in his open locker and faces the camera, attempting to have a Clarissa Explains It All moment)
(imitating Clarissa Darling) BUSTER: Too bad Wade's in trouble. I could've used someone to bother while watching The Boondocks yesterday. Maybe Wade is so smart, he's vulnerable. He's now becoming just like a lot of Americans as a result of his swelled ego: An irritating, obsessive social media hound.
SPARKY: BUSTER, STOP IMITATING CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL AND COME ON!
BUSTER: If only Sparky could become one too so I can move in on Halley. (Buster winks and leaves)
SCENE 11
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Wade's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
WADE: Wow, Facebook sure is amazing. I'm gonna…..Wait, what the hell? How come these people keep sending me requests? I don't know them! Are you kidding me? I can't believe Kay did this to me on her status!
The Lover's Game with Kay Boss
Contestant: Wade 1026
Rate: 7.5
Cuff or Duff: Duff
Talk or Swerve: Swerve
You should: Talk, I don't know. I guess. #Jaylynnosophy
Jaylynn Michelle likes this.
WADE: Damn, I'm really…..oh my freaking God. She gets 1,000 likes for being naked? WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS THIS?! (sighs) I think it's time for me to quit Facebook. This is more groan-inducing than RK when he tried being funny on Talent Day.
(reading) RK: Mm-hmm. There once was a man from Nantucket. With a dick so long he could suck it…..
(while RK is reading the poem, everyone's jaws drop)
RK: As he said with a grin, while wiping his semen-covered chin, "if my ear was a cunt, I would (bleep) it." The end.
(long pause; everyone is shocked; Sanna ends up puking)
BUSTER: WOO-HOO!
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Ms. Chamos' Classroom
Seattle, Washington
MS. CHAMOS: Next group, we have Manny, Will, and Wade.
(class cheers and whoops)
WILL: Our project is an environmentally-friendly utopia.
MANNY: It's environmentally-friendly, and friendly to the environment.
WILL: Dear Lord, we're gonna fail.
MS. CHAMOS: What else is special about it besides environmental friendliness?
WILL: Well, it's a utopian society. It's modern and classic at the same time. We feel it's our civic duty to help the world.
WADE: And that means doing whatever it asks.
RK: Wade? Way cool!
(Buster starts singing the theme song to Clarissa Explains It All, and Sparky slaps him in the back of his head)
BUSTER: SCIENCE DAMMIT!
WADE: Look, it's OK to feel like you contribute to making the world greener. But eating your vegetables and taking the bus every day doesn't cut it. Look at me for example. I drive a hybrid car as part of my daily living. And in no way does it produce smug. Will here uses CFC light bulbs and rides a recumbent bike to school. And Manny….well, he does something.
(Manny has a "WTF?" look on his face)
WADE: That's what our utopia represents. It's the future in the present. We have to do our part in making the world a safer place to live.
MANNY: Look, we all have to do some shit sometimes, man. And until we do this shit, shit ain't gonna change. And then that's when you need to get your ass out of bed, and say "LET'S DO THIS SHIT!"
(long pause)
WILL: What he said.
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
RK: So you decided to take a break from Facebook for once?
WADE: Nope. I deleted my account.
BUSTER: Why? I thought you were addicted to that site.
WADE: Guys, I hate to sound like a copycat, but I've learned something today. Facebook is an evil, time-consuming, smug, self-aggrandizing grandmaster flash conglomerate spearheaded by an ignorant corporate mogul who went from some hundred followers in Harvard to billions of dollars. But we're going to use it anyway because it's (bleep) Facebook, and there's no other site like it so that's all we have. But I think I'm going to go back to being a real nigga and using Twitter again.
SPARKY: Looks like everything worked out for the best.
RK: Pretty much.
BUSTER: I've learned something too.
WADE: What, Buster?
BUSTER: The Internet has given us lots of great things, like this….
("ChaChaLaLa" by Jim Johnston playing)
(Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade start Fandangoing, and pretty soon, others are doing it)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now, it's time for…..
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs!
("Power" by Kanye West playing in the end credits)
©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
IN MEMORIAM OF ROGER EBERT
1942-2013
MOVIE CRITIC, JOURNALIST, PUNDIT, FRIEND