Disclaimer: I do not own Glee in any way. (I do have some bacon in the freezer though...)
A/N: Set in my other fic "Picking Up the Pieces". There is Faberry friendship, jsyk. This happens after the events of 2x13 'Comeback'. Basically, Rachel helped Quinn out the day after she got dumped by Sam and they decided to become friends. Oh, and Quinn is sleeping over at Rachel's place since it was a Friday. This is a side-story shipping BacQuinn, so it is not for the weak of heart, the high in cholesterol, the devoutly Jewish or those damn animal activists shouting "No food with a face!" outside those revered meat processing plants that produce the delicious morsel of heaven that is Bacon. (Cue sunlight bursting out from the clouds, with choirs of angels flocking down, singing of the glories of pork bellies. ) So here it is. Please read and review!
Bacon Me Mine
(or The Great Bacon War of, like, Three Weeks Ago)
"Quinn?"
The sleepy blonde cracked open an eye and did her best to use that one eye to deliver a death glare to the brunette currently hovering above her. It failed. Rachel conitnued on cheerily.
"Quinn, I would like to cook breakfast for the both of us today, so I would just like to inform you of the selections we have downstairs so you can make an informed choice as to what you prefer to be the first meal I will cook for you as friends."
Rachel began rattling off a list of all the contents of the Berrys' refrigerator. Quinn just lay back, waiting for that one glorious word to fall from Rachel's lips. The one thing she couldn't live without...
"- tempeh, bananas and soy milk." Rachel finished.
Wait a minute. Where was it? There was no way she could miss it!
"Just a second, Rach. Did you not say bacon?" Rachel frowned.
"Bacon? Quinn, we don't have any bacon." Quinn exploded.
"WHAT? NO BACON! Blasphemy, Rachel! There is no such thing as no Bacon! It's like the greatest good ever to exist on earth!"
"Why does it sound as if you capitalized the 'B' in bacon? And no, Quinn. We don't have bacon here because me and my Daddy are Jewish and furthermore, I am vegan." Quinn huffed.
"I don't care! I need my bacon!"
Rachel pouted but Quinn wouldn't budge. She sighed. She had only been friends with Quinn for a day and she desperately wanted them to remain so. It looked like she wouldn't be cooking for Quinn today. She went into her closet and fetched out some clothes. She tossed them over at Quinn.
"Here, these might fit you. Put them on quick, I'm taking you to Denny's."
Once she was able to get some bacon into Quinn, the blonde became considerably more friendly for the rest of the day. Rachel sighed in relief and immediately texted her Dad to pick up some special groceries on the way home, so that she could cook breakfast for herself and Quinn tomorrow morning, since Quinn was staying over for another day.
Quinn awoke the next day to a delicious smell coming from downstaira. Her mouthwatered. Bacon. She hurried down and into the kitchen where Rachel was frying bacon in a pan. It was almost too good to be true. It was.
As soon as Rachel served up the first round of bacon, Quinn stuck it in her mouth. Then suddenly stopped in mid-moan. What. The. Hell. Quinn's head snapped around to glare at Rachel. The diva saw the look on Qunn's face and cringed in terror. She had been found out.
"Rachel. Barbra. Berry. This. Is. Not. Bacon." Quinn said slowly and evenly. Rachel threw up her hands defensively.
"Now, now, Quinn. Doesn't it taste like bacon? Isn't that what really matters? My Dad found this wonderful tofu bacon in the vegan section of the supermarket. And I just thought-" She fell silent at the menacing look Quinn was giving her.
"Tofu. Bacon." Quinn spluttered. "You gave me TOFU BACON? Nothing can replace Bacon, Rachel! Nothing! It's more than just taste. It's texture! The crispness of the meat! The softness of the fat! The wonderful, amazing, greasy deliciousness of it all!"
Rachel shuddered at every sentence that came out of Quinn's mouth. Quinn may have been preaching heaven, but it sounded like hell to her. The reason she had become vegan in the first place was because she watched a documentary on animal cruelty in the food industry when she was seven and was traumatized ever since.
However, Quinn's current demeanor, wasn't giving her much leeway to voice her own opinions, so, she just sucked it up and pulled out a couple of emergency BLT's that she bought in Denny's yesterday, you know, just in case. She stuck them in the microwave to heat them up and Quinn happily scarfed them down afterwards.
Monday brought on a whole new host of problems. Rachel woke up to the smell of something burning. She rushed down the stairs and burst into the kitchen only to find a squealing Quinn, holding what looked to be like a frying pan full of flames. Rachel grabbed the fire extinguisher and turned on the nozzle, dousing Quinn and the frying pan in a thick layer of foam. Luckily, her fathers were heavy sleepers, so Rachel and Quinn were able to clean up the mess before they woke up. The bad news was neither of them was able to get any breakfast because of their lateness.
They didn't speak a word to each other as they drove off for school. Quinn was especially cranky since she had to borrow Rachel's clothes again. There were only a few things in Rachel's closet that fit her, so she ended up going to school wearing a cat sweater and a very short skirt. At least it was a little bit longer than her Cheerios skirt. (Just a little bit though.)
Spanish class...
"I can't see why you can't just cook bacon for breakfast, Rachel."
"I told you, Quinn. I will not participate in the barbaric cycle that peretuates the continuous slaughter of innocent, defenseless animals."
"That's it, I'm not sleeping with you anymore." The rest of the class including Will Schuester goggled at the blonde. Quinn felt a rush of heat flow into her face.
"Uhh, I mean, um, uh..." She turned to Mr. Schuester. "Aren't you supposed to be teaching? Teach!"
Lunchtime..
"Well hello there, Nancy Drew."
Santana.
Quinn's fists clenched as she tried to restrain herself from punching the Latina in the face for stealing her boyfriend. Santana continued on blithely.
"Looking for a hole to poke into? Or maybe just looking to get poked in the hole? Whatever, slut, you know you like it both ways." It was too much for Quinn. No one was allowed to insult Nancy Drew in her presence and get away with it. She had Santana on her back in two seconds flat.
"What the hell, Q? I was just playing around!"
"You are not permitted to 'play around' with me. Especially not after you stole my boyfriend, Sandbags. And take back what you said about Nancy Drew!" She grabbed Santana's hair and yanked on it. The Latina stifled a shriek of pain.
"Whatever, freak. You really are a pressed lemon, aren't you?" Quinn's was confused at this. She hadn't heard the term before.
"Hey! Get your hands off of my girlfriend!" Great. Sam had arrived. Quinn just yanked harder. This time, Santana did cry out in pain.
"And just why is she your girlfriend Sam? Are you such a manwhore that you have to follow this bitch around like a little lost puppy?"
"You cheated on me first, Quinn."
Puck, Finn and Rachel turned into the corridor they were in and stopped at the unexpected sight. Santana was still flat on the floor, with Quinn straddling her and Sam standing in front of Quinn, grabbing her shoulders.
Finn collapsed in a faint. Puck leered and said "Score!" pumping his fists. Rachel hesitated for a second then leapt forward. Pulling Quinn away from Santana and Sam. Unfortunately, because of her small stature, this was an ill-fated attempt. Puck quickly jumped in to help Rachel pull Quinn off of Santana. Holding Quinn firmly by the shoulders, he frogmarched her all the way into the cafeteria.
"What are you guys doing?" Rachel hissed.
"Nothing that concerns you, Yentl. Tubbers just couldn't take a joke about her precious Nancy Drew."
Rachel leaned over to whisper in Santana's ear.
"I'd be careful if I were you. She hasn't had her bacon yet." She hoped Santana would understand. She did. Santana pulled back, her face contorted in an expression of horror.
"How could you, Berry? Don't you know you have to feed the tiger before you let her out of her cage?" She smirked, remembering the sweater Quinn was wearing. "Or should I say pussy...cat?"
Rachel blushed.
Santana sighed and reached into her bag and pulled out a box. She tossed it to Rachel. The diva squinted. The box said Burger King.
"It's a bacon cheeseburger, midget. Now give it to Juno before she goes all Hulk on our asses."
Rachel just stood there, looking at the Latina as if she had grown an extra head.
"What are you waiting for, Smurfette? Shoo! Just don't tell her it's from me."
Rachel hurried to the cafeteria where she found Quinn, berating the poor lunch ladies on the importance of stocking bacon on the lunch menu everyday. Puck was standing helplessly next to Quinn, unable to stop the ranting blonde.
"Puck!" Rachel yelled. "Catch!"
She threw the Burger King box in a picture perfect underhanded toss, that would have been the envy of any softball team in Lima It was a good thing that Puck was a halfway decent foot ball player, else he wouldn't have made the catch, which would have spelled disaster for everyone. Puck caught the box, unwrapped the burger and stuck it into Quinn's mouth.
Needless to say, Quinn calmed down. Her eyes glazed over and she smiled goofily through her mouthful of burger. Life was good again.
Later that day...
Quinn and Rachel were lounging around at the Berry house. Tossing ideas back and forth between each other for the song they were writing for Regionals. Rachel paused and turned to Quinn.
"Quinn?"
"Yes, Rach?"
"I've decided to do my part to make the world a safer place."
"And how are you going to do that?"
"Although it goes against everything I believe in, I believe that it would be best for all concerned if I feed you your bacon."
Quinn swept Rachel into a fierce hug. She didn't care that Rachel was taking potshots at her. As long as she got what she wanted.
It was a glorious day. (Except maybe for pigs.)
"Just one question though, Quinn."
"Yes?"
"Who is Nancy Drew?"