By Dekugirl
Disclaimer: Why do we always have to do these? If I owned Zelda I wouldn't be a idiot girl who writes Zelda fiction for a free publishing internet service!
A/N: All gay-bashing in here is not to be taken seriously. I have nothing against homosexuals, and am only really making fun of Tingle, not homosexuals.
---
So one day I'm over at Lake Hylia. Why was I over at Lake Hylia, you ask? To rescue Ruto? To search for Gold Skulltulas? No! I was FISHING! Why was I fishing? I was hungry! Seriously, I don't know why everybody assumes that the Hero of Time doesn't need to eat! Try not eating for 7 years and see if you're fishing or not!
Darn it! This lake is supposed to be full of fish, right! Then shouldn't one have have bitten by now? And I needed to bulk up, too! Everyone was calling me anorexic, even Zelda! And then I saw her making out with Rauru behind my back! Yeesh, if there's one thing he ain't it's anorexic!
Yeah! I feel something pulling on my line! So I'm there pulling with all my might. God, whatever's on the other end must be as big as a Goron! So I'm in the middle of drooling wildly and licking my lips when what was on the end of the line jumped out of the water onto the bank next to me.
"*Giggle* Teehee... Hi, Link! It's me, Ruto!" She notices that I was in the middle of licking my lips for the thirtieth time. "Teehee... Oh Link, you naughty boy... Why don't you come have dinner with me tonight?"
"Uh............" Oh great, she just HAS to show up now and ask me to dinner. She's not even my species! Still, the idea of dinner does sound good.....
"If you don't want to do that, I have another idea of what we can do..."
She leans over and starts whispering in my ear. What the... OH DEAR NAYRU!! NO!!!!!!!!
She grins brightly. "I knew you'd see things my way. See you tonight at eight, Link!"
I guess I have no choice, but the very idea of.... And how could they..... AIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!! My eyes are bleeding!!!
So I'm running around trying to erase the image from my mind, and I must have looked really gay because I was clawing at my eyes and screaming like a little girl, until eventually I must have run into the Lost Woods because my sight quickly recovered when I heard the faggiest voice ever...
"Tingle, tingle, kaloo-limpah!"
---
I groan and open my eyes. WTF? I'm standing over me doing a really gay dance... No, scratch that, my body is standing over me doing a really gay dance.... And if I'm not in my body, whose body am I in?
"Yeeheehee! You look just like Tingle! Tingle look like you!"
No freakin' duh, Sherlock. Well I guess that answers my question... OH DIN!!
I struggle to my feet only to find that I am in the body of the queerest fag in Hyrule.
"Er... That's really nice, Tingle, now why don't you give me my body back?"
"No! Tingle like games! You pretend to be me! Me pretend to be you!"
I was just about to start beating the bloody crap out of him when guess who showed up but Navi, the most annoying fairy in the history of Hyrule.
"Link! Where the heck have you been! Come on, let's get out of here. I heard about that hot date you have with Ruto in an hour! *Smirk*"
Oh Goddesses, if she knows over half the kingdom must know by now!
"Navi! Help me! It's me, Link! Tingle did something weird and now I-"
She glances over at me. "Ew.... come on, Link, let's get the heck outta here. Gaywad! And no, I don't just mean you when I say that, Link."
Tingle follows her out. "Me Link! Me and Ruto swap spit on hot date?"
"Er, maybe you should take it easy on the downers, Link. You're starting to sound like a queer!"
I AM NOT ON DRUGS!!! And there went my main hope of getting back in my real body! On top of that, I gotta take a whiz! Good thing there's some bushes over there....
....
....
... Gawd, all this green and red spandex is hard to get
off...
.....
..............
....WTF?? He doesn't have..... Wait..... Don't only WOMEN have this???
---
"Ew! Get away from me, you gaywad! *Throws a pot at Link*"
That was the 10th pot/broom/sword/arrow I had been hit with since I entered Hyrule Castle Town 3 minutes ago. Yeesh, no wonder this guy spent all his time up in a balloon! If he stayed on the ground, he'd be dead in an hour!
It was hard to recover from the shock of finding out Tingle was even more of a freak of nature than everybody thinks he is, but I soon got back on my feet (literally) and went to Hyrule Castle Town in search of somebody who would help me get back to my original body. I guess I couldn't expect anything else. I mean, he wears all spandex! And it is way too flat down there....
"Look Mommy! That man is a fag!"
"Now, now, Timmy, that's not what you do with fags like him. This is what you do! *Whacks Link with a club* You fag!"
Needless to say, the search was not going well.
"So, like, Ruto! We have, like, got to find something for you to wear on your date with Link in forty-five minutes!"
I turn toward the voice and see Malon and Ruto standing by a clothes rack.
"Yeah, I have like, so totally been looking forward to this for like, forever!"
Poor Ruto. Does even she deserve the fate that she may have in store? I know! I'll go see Zelda!
---
It was a lot harder to get to Zelda in Tingle's body, considering that Tingle doesn't exactly have the most petite figure, and Dampe could run around the graveyard 50 times by the time Tingle made one lap, after being caught 45 times I managed to get the Zelda.
I run up to her. "Zelda! You have got to help me I-"
"YOU FAG!!! Guards!!! Get this gaywad out of here and kill him!"
*Gulp* That didn't go as well as planned....
"We're here, Princess! *see Link* Oh Din! A gaywad!! KILL HIM!!!"
I think this would be my cue to run like hell.
---
Somehow, I managed to escape them, perhaps because Tingle has some secret hidden abilities, but more likely because Dekugirl's a lazy arse and doesn't feel like going into detail- *lighting bolt strikes down very close to Link*
Anyway, I was sitting on a rock pondering what to do next when the best idea yet hit me: Ruto! She's the one who has a date with Tingle in my body in five minutes, so she's most likely to see how gay he's making me seem!
But can I get there before it's too late?
---
When I got there, Ruto and Tingle were already sitting on the couch talking.
"So, uh, Link, how are you?"
"Me Link! You want to swap spit with me?"
Smooth, Tingle, real subtle. AND WHAT IS HE WEARING??? Pink and yellow spandex with a ring of flowers around his head?!?! And now he's getting up and dancing around!
"Tra la la la la!"
"Er... That's nice, Link. Why don't you sit down?"
"You no like Tingle's dancing???"
"Tingle's dancing...?"
"Me mean Link's dancing!"
I figure now's a good time. "Ruto! That's not Link you're dating! I'm Link! Tingle switched our bodies and now I'm stuck in the body of a gaywad so please help me!!!"
She stares at me for a moment, then seems to think about it. "Well I never have seen the Hero of Time wear a ring of flowers around his head before..." She takes out the Water Medallion.
"Erm... what are you doing?"
"Puting you back in your body."
"REALLY????"
"Are you crazy? If word gets out that I dated a fag, my social status will go down the drain!"
There is a flash of blue light, and I look down to see that I ma back in my own body.
So is Tingle. "*Grins* You still want to swap spit with Tingle?"
There is a loud thud as Tingle is kicked down the waterfall.
Ruto grins and turns to me. "So, Link, about that dinner..."
She leans over and kisses me. Oh Dear Nay.. Hey! It wasn't all that bad! She kisses me again, and I kiss her back. At this point, we head to her room as several Zora start to stare at us...
---
Me and Ruto were making out on the couch in her room when guess who just walked in. That's right, Royal Fat@$$, the Zora King.
"RUTO!!! What is the meaning of this???!!!"
"Oh Daddy, this is the Hero of Time, you aren't going to get your guards to behead him like my last six dates, are you?"
"Well, he did save, Hyrule, so I won't call my guards.
....
I'M GOING TO KILL HIM MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He sets off after me, because at that point I was halfway out the door. Din, that guy can run fast when he wants to!
Oh well, beats being Tingle!