A/N: Do not own Batman.

This is an alternate version of the cop chase scene from Batman Begins. In this, Batmobile has an A.I.

"Batman talking."

"AI talking."

AI thinking.

Hello guys. I'm Batmobile. That's quite a mouthful, I suppose. So you can call me BM. Short for Batmobile, you know. Come to think of it, It's also short for Batman. Hmmm...Interesting. Oh, speaking of Batman, I've gotta tell you that I have this tiny miny crush on Batman. I haven't told him about it yet, 'cause I think he'd freak out and uninstall me and install some crappy AI. [sigh!]

Here he comes, walking all coolly and awesomely and all, carrying a pretty girl, bridal style...wait what?

"Hey Batsy, who the hell is she? And why the hell are you carrying her like a service tray?"

"Huh...I thought it was bridal style. Nevermind. She's Rachel"

"Aaaand why do you think I'd know who Rachel is?"

"...doesn't matter. She's been poisoned. I need to take her to the Bat Lair so that I ca..."

"Batcave."

"What?"

"It's Batcave, not Bat Lair."

"Seriously? Is that really important right now? Just start up already."

"Aye aye Captn'. Starting engines. Accelerating. Accelerating some more. Passing by one surprised middle aged man with pretty nice glasses..."

"That's Gordon."

"Whatever. Gaining speed and crushing almost one third of a cop car, meanwhile being perfectly careful not to kill or even injure the cops sitting in the front..."

"What the hell did you do that for? There was plenty of space on the road."

'cause I'm angry.

" 'cause you're Batman. You gotta do awesome meaningless stuff. Back to the journey-crossing over the bridge. Maneuvering between the vehicles..."

"Stay calm. You've been poisoned."

"WTF? When did that happen?"

"Not you, idiot. I was talking to Rachel."

So I'm an idiot now, huh. You'll regret this.

"Cop cars 12 o'clock. Taking a right."

"Breathe slowly."

Actually, don't breathe at all.

"Smashing through a shop's front glass, 'cause roads are overrated. Oh, is that a chopper? Hey Batsy look, your first chopper chase."

"I really wish you could fly."

"You'll have to wait for at least two sequels to get a flying contraption."

On second thoughts, let's fly.

"Entering the multistory parking lot. Heading towards the roof."

Rachel: What are you doing?

Playing NFS.

"Shortcut." (what the hell are you doing BM?)

"We are on the roof. Searching for a nearby structure of adequate hight. Search complete."

"Uh...BM?"

"Deploying flaps."

Random cop: "Turn off your engine. Step away from the car."

In your dreams, sucker. AND I'M NOT A CAR.

"Engaging weapon system."

"Uh...BM?"

"ahem ahem. KABOOM"

"Uh...BM?"

"Accelerating. Engaging thrusters. Enjoy your flight."

"HOLY CRAP..."

"Successful landing. Maneuvering through annoying AC outlets and pipes. Taking a sudden left turn, just for the hell of it."

"OK, how are we getting of this roof now? And don't you even think about doing that again or else..."

"Engaging thrusters."

"What the..."

"Successful landing on stupid sloppy tiled roof. We're moving in diagonal plane now. Oh look, a fly over. After three roofs I'd love to be on an actual road."

"Oh thank goodness. But how are we..."

"Engaging thrusters."

"..."

"Entering subway."

"Now why did you break that railing? "

"And that pillar?"

"To slow down the cops, Batsy. Seriously, haven't you ever played NFS Mostwanted?"

" Accelerating even more, 'cause I've got need, need for speed. Cop cars ahead. Turning around in a U, drawing some cool graffiti on the ground."

"Hey they're gaining on us."

"Deploying poop bombs."

"Hey, you might have killed someone."

"So?"

"Batman never kills."

"O c'mmon. You killed at least 50 ninjas in that hill top monastery of yours."

"How do you know that..."

"Taking a right. We are out of the subway now."

"Aaaand we're into the spotlight."

"Spotlight? What spotlight?"

"The chopper, genius."

"We need to go into stealth mode."

"Stealth mode activated. Please do not talk, or whisper, or sneeze, or burp, or fart. Do not even breathe, if possible."

"I think we lost the chopper."

"Exiting stealth mode. We are now in top gear."

"Sabotaging random structures, again, to slow down the cops. We are practically in the woods now."

"Just hold on."

"What? You gotta pee now? I'm not stopping here."

"Again, I was talking to her."

Bitch.

"RACHEL."

"What? Is she dead?"

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die.

"Engaging thrusters. We have entered Batcave-not-Batlair."

"So? She dead?"

"No. I can still save her."

Well. Damn.

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