Ivan's Big Adventure 2

Epic soundtrack

The prequel to this was deleted in the text-based Fanfiction purge of 2005. So many people asked for it to be continued that graciously, after 3 years of retirement, SpasticDjinn has returned to reclaim the throne of GS randomness.

I shall reintroduce the characters:

SpasticDjinn – Self-explanatory. Me, you imbeciles.

KD6 – A fellow idiot.

Quentin – A bumbling fool who likes his MacBook Pro.

And less importantly, the cast of Golden Sun.

By the way, reporting this story is utterly pointless; we'll just report your stories in return and get them deleted and then repost this one. Don't get involved with us, we're dangerous. If you don't want to read about queers, random violence, profanity and paedophilia then leave. Leave NOW.

---IVAN'S BIG (INESTIMABLY HUGE) ADVENTURE—

---2---

Ivan awoke, feeling the custard slowly seep into his nostrils. Totally against his will, his memories returned nostalgically to the events of his previous adventure, in which he was subjected to harrowing ordeals such as child abuse from old men, food fights with death counts, totally random appearances from characters from other animes/games and other things of mildly humorous hilarity. One such event was occurring as he woke. He was drowning in a tureen of custard. And then there was a flashback.

"You fool Ivan, you must recover the Phallus Extrumus or the world is DOOOOOOMED," Kraden babbled from his deathbed, Ivan's sword still wobbling in his chest.

"What the hell are you talking about you old fool," Ivan retorted "It was YOU who was trying to destroy the world, and I just stabbed you. You should be dead you douchebag,"

"Ah yes," Kraden mused upon this turn of events as the blood bubbled from his wound into a puddle on the floor. "Well… that may be the case… But we can't continue this stupid series of stories without at least the barest semblance of a plot,"

"But I don't want to continue,"

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't"

"Yes…you do."

Ivan pondered this counter-argument for a while, then, after considering a suitable comeback, he replied.

"Maybe"

And so the flashback ended.

Ivan pulled himself out of the custard with a popping sound. As he removed the last of the yellow goop from his clothing, the front door exploded, and his friends surged in.

"Happy birthday, Ivan!" Felix shouted, throwing a birthday cake towards him.

"Um…", Ivan said, "Its not my birthday."

"Oh," Isaac's face fell, then immediately lit up again, "Well, then, let's celebrate anyway."

"Oh, yes," Felix laughed at Ivan, "It looks like you've just woken up in a pile of custard! – You might want to use the shampoo in the third drawer of your bathroom counter."

"How do you know all this?" Ivan gaped. And then it dawned upon him, "You still have those surveillance cameras in my shower you pervert!"

"Felix did not put them in, I did," said a sinister voice out of nowhere, or it least would have been nowhere had it not come from Kraden, who was standing in the doorway, apparently alive.

"YOU'RE DEAD!! I KILLED YOU OLD MAN!!" Ivan screamed and drew his massive Broadsword (that was stolen from Cloud Strife in the last adventure).

"So you did, but I did what those Dragon Ball Z characters do: I drew a halo over my head and so now I'm back." Kraden plonked himself on Ivan's couch and put a video into his television. The screen lit up and displayed Ivan singing the tune from Carmen (despite not knowing the words) in his shower. It sounded something like the following:

DAAAA DAAAA DAA DAAAAAA DAAAAAA!!! -

DAAAA DAAAA DAA DAAAAA DAAAAA!!! -

DAAAAAA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAA!!! -

Da da da da…. Da da da da…. Da da da daaa da da…

And so on. Back to the story.

Ivan turned aubergine-coloured in embarrassment. Everyone was laughing at him, including the love of his life, Sheba (who was the tragic captured heroine in the last story, before she escaped and neglected to tell Ivan she was free until he'd accomplished thousands of pointless tasks for the Lord of Darkness, KD6) In fact, what the hell was she even doing here, the last he'd heard was she ran off with his staff and clothing, sold them, and used the proceeds to buy a beach house in Malibu.

"So Ivan, did you heed my advice in the seemingly-now-irrelevant flashback a few minutes ago?" Kraden croaked.

"No, you didn't offer any advi-..,"

"FIND THE PHALLUS!!! THE PHALLUS HOLDS THE ANSWERS!!!" and with that, Kraden leapt onto a nimbus cloud (a fetching pink) and zoomed into the ceiling. He crashed into it rather than breaking through, and his broken body thudded onto Ivan's carpet, groaning pathetically. Everyone trod on him in their haste to reach the cookies Mia had baked and the last anyone saw of him was a frail hand sticking out from under the bottom of Garet's huge shoe.

Isaac picked his halo up off the floor and bit into it.

"Mhmm, ring-shaped corn chips,"

"What was that all about Ivan? Finding a phallus? Are you gay or something?" Sheba asked Ivan curiously.

"I have no idea what he was-…"

"IVAN IS GAY!!! THIS IS PERFECT!!!" in insidious voice screamed directly into Ivan's ear, and in a violent flash of orange light and choking smog, the Triforce of Evil appeared. The three worst authors ever to live, the antithesis of masterful prose, they emerged coughing, their eyes streaming, in dignity which matched their skill in writing. SpasticDjinn, KD6 and Quentin, the three tricyclemen of the apocalypse (of Ivan, we hear you are a heebie-jeebie," SpasticDjinn cackled.

"A what..?"

"A POOSHY-WOOSHY!!" KD6 screamed (as his lowest volume is about that of a Jet Fighter in Mach 6)

"What the hell are you-."

"A Whammy-hammy," Said Quentin smartly, pushing his glasses further up his nose, then realising he only wore them to look smart and they obscured his sight, threw them onto the ground.

"A gay do you mean? I don't know where you-,"

"SO IT'S TRUE!!! AND FELIX IS YOUR LOVER!!!" KD6's voice was so loud it forced Ivan to his knees.

"I am?" asked Felix.

"No you aren't! I am not ga-,"

"Yes he is, and we're going to kidnap him instead of Sheba this time," Quentin laughed at his own joke, then realised he hadn't actually said a joke and stopped. KD6 shouted at Felix so he was thrown into a wall and knocked unconscious, and then stuffed him into his oversized trousers.

"If you ever want to see Felix again, you shall recover the Phallus Extremus and bring it to the Cubbyhouse of Three Terrors. If you fail…," SpasticDjinn uttered prophetically

"Felix will be left alone with the Wise One for not one day… not one week... not one month... not one year… but…,"

"All eternity?" Isaac asked, intrigued.

"No, 1 year and a day," Said SpasticDjinn.

"Oh."

"Ok, that's all… Mhmm, cookies," SpasticDjinn grabbed Mia's Tasty Imilian Happy Choco-Chunk Holy-Crap-They're-Nice Fudge Not-Quite-Brownies Crumby Cookie Blasters and, along with KD6, the unconscious Felix and Quentin disappeared into the other side of Ivan's door as they walked outside and shut the door behind them.

There is it. Enjoy. Review. Send it to your pets emails, we enjoy the responses from our non-human readers. This is just the beginning, the next chapter will be longer. Until then.. adios.

SpasticDjinn, KD6 and Quentin.