A Letter to Paris

by JubilantSape

Paris is choosen to give the apple to one of the three goddesses: Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite. He doesn't know what to do, so he wrote to his friend asking for help. This fan fiction is the letter that Paris's friend's wrote to assist him.

Note: Paris is a product of Homer's The Iliad

A Letter to Paris

by

Sape101

Dear Paris,

You ignorant fool! Don't you realize the predicament that you are in? Didn't you find it funny that the gods summoned you, a mere shepherd, to make such a decision? Use your head. Obviously this is a trap. It doesn't matter which goddess who pick, you are now doomed to suffer the consequences. Well, what's done is done my friend, but do not fret. For I have a plan. Take that apple and tell that cowardice Zeus to use his bolts to split it in threes. Give each goddess a piece, and everyone leaves happy… and alive. But if that doesn't work due to the fact that the goddess are far too stubborn to share, or Zeus is to busy impregnating another creature, then you should give that apple to Athena. She holds the gift of the military domination, which is the most powerful attribute out of the three offers. You see my friend, you live in a time of war and great military power can work to your advantage.

How is this so, you ask my friend? Well, think about it. What if tomorrow there was an extraordinary war at your feet? What will you do to save yourself from your enemies? What will you do to save your state? Fight! Yes, fight with the gift from Athena. With her strategic battle plans, you will be unstoppable. Your blade will slice through everything in its path, your armor will protect the blood running through your veins, and your eyes, yes! your eyes will see through your guaranteed victory. Your people will praise you. Your enemies will fear you. And the gods will envy you. Quite a change from being a mere shepherd, right my friend? Well, if you like what you hear, then you must accept Athena's offer and hand her the apple.

Of course it is very tempting to choose Aphrodite. She offers eternal pleasure, and a chance to use those irresistible skills on her, a goddess. But what good is that, my friend? Sexual pleasure does not last very long and has no useful benefit to your people. You have to be one stupid goat to choose this fate. Think about it. Think about it, I say. You spend one hour out of your 24-hour day spilling your seeds into a hopeless woman. That hour is up, and then what do you do? Do you move on to another woman, repeating the same act once more? I must repeat the question then: what good is that? Nothing! Nothing, I tell you, but a shack full of greedy, dependent children.

Of course you can argue that a shack full of greedy, dependent children benefits you and your people. You can argue that they will carry on your legacy. You can argue that they add more citizens into the state's population strengthening its defenses. And I would agree with both arguments, but how embarrassing for you to have your daughter approach you and ask about your romantic history, and the only answer you can come up with is amazing sex. How embarrassing for you to have your son approach you and ask what adventures have you sought, and the only answer you can come up with is having many marital affairs. But if this doesn't convince you to turn down Aphrodite, than think of this. If you choose Athena, then you will become a great warrior, yes? Well, if you recall, I mentioned that your people would praise you. That includes the woman too. If you really want to be a master of love than practice it after the victory of a battle. You get the best of both worlds, and guess what you can also gain political power as well with Athena's reward.

I will admit, my friend, it would grand to hold the state in your hands. You can control your people. You can form great lies. You can practice the ultimate deceit. All your dreams will come true, even if it's at the expense of others. However, you can become a good politician. You can form a state run by the people. You can be a loyal politician and always promote honesty. You can keep your people informed. No matter which path you choose, your people will bow to you. But you don't have to choose Hera to experience this fate. Do you recall again, my friend, that if you become a soldier, your people will praise you? Well, if you continue to prove yourself as an honorary soldier, and keep the enemies at bay, then this fate will lead to political power. Every man, woman, and child would want you to make all the decisions. You're keeping them alive, and they'll make sure you'll have the power to continue to keep them alive. Therefore, choose Athena and you will gain access to all three rewards.

Although, I do question Athena's intelligence. She never once questioned where that apple came from. She never once questioned why the apple is for the fairest one. She acted out of vanity and allowed Eris to easily deceive her. If I were the goddess of wisdom, I wouldn't need a silly apple to tell me I am the fairest. That Athena is no different from Aphrodite and Hera. And now you have to choose between these pathetic creatures. But with that said, I still advise you to still pick Athena. Even though she is not wise enough to see through deception, she is at least wise enough make you a killing machine. Think about it, my friend. If you choose one of the other two gods instead, than you will witness her wrath. And a wrath mix with vanity is not a pretty sight.

Well, my friend, I hope I was of use. You were place in a dangerous situation, but you may be able to get out of it unscathed. Anyway, I always appreciate you writing me. I get awfully lonely at times. But, I can always count on you to comfort me. Well, till next time, and don't do anything that you'll regret. For once, don't act stupid.

P.S. Don't forget to come home and feed me.

Sincerely Your Friend,

The Goat