Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! Maybe brands and products are mentioned in this fic, none of which I own. I DO own Louise Laine, though.
Author's Note: This was inspired by the ever famous, 99 Things to Do in Wal-Mart. Enjoy
--
"Attention, Legion!" Cosmic Boy panicked. The Legion was gathered in the bridge.
"What's it this time, Cos?" Lightning Lad sighed.
"You two haven't been drinking, have you?" Phantom Girl asked.
"…No," Cosmic Boy replied curtly. "We have a MAJOR situation building up right now. The fate of the universe hangs in a delicate balance!"
Kell cracked his knuckles, "Imperiex," he growled.
"…No," Cosmic Boy answered. "The Legion's going to the Vice President of the United Planets surprise birthday tonight-"
"And?" Saturn Girl asked.
"We haven't bought him a present yet!" Cosmic Boy exclaimed.
--
The Legion changed into civilian clothing and entered the store the Cruiser was nearest to.
"WHOA! What is this place?" Kell asked, in awe of his surroundings.
"It's Wal-Mart!" Triplicate Girl replied. "You can buy anything here."
"…Anything!?" Kell asked. He looked like a little kid who had just entered a candy store.
"Focus, people, focus!!" Brainy exclaimed. "We're going to have to split up. There's too much ground to cover here. "Garth, Imra, Reep - Take the East side of the store. Tinya, Brin and Rokk- Take the West Side of the store. Trip, Chuck, and Clark- Take the South Side. Violet, Kell and I will take the North Side. Got it? Let's split up!"
--
Garth, Imra and Reep dashed off. They frantically searched each aisle for something suitable for the Vice President.
"I found it!" Reep held up an eight-pack of heavy duty socks. "These are prefect!"
"You're right," Garth rubbed his goatee. "They are! Looks like we're done here."
"Wait, what are we going to do with the-" Imra looked at her watch. "-rest of the time we've got?"
"I know!" Garth exclaimed. He waited for some innocent customers to walk by. "Hey! You listen to me when I'm talking to you!" Garth admonished a pack of socks.
Reep caught on, "Show some respect! Don't turn your back on me, mister!" Reep waggled his finger in the sock package's personal bubble.
The two customers fled for their lives.
"Wow," Imra chuckled. "That looks fun…"
She walked over to the lingerie department of the store and found a sexy red one. Garth Reep were behind her, carrying jockstraps, which they left in a pile of lingerie.
Garth and Reep followed her lead and found and old man to talk to. While they conversed with him, Imra left the lingerie in his cart. Garth, Reep and Imra quickly ran away, giggling like school girls.
They ran over to mannequins and with purple sharpies, started drawing mustaches and goatees on them
Garth picked up a yellow bikini and walked over to the fitting rooms. "I've got one garment."
The sales attendant twitched, "Sir, that's for women."
"…But I am a woman!" Garth cried.
Imra did the same, but with men's' 4X size boxers.
"SHOE TIME!" Reep cried. The three legionnaires tried on every shoe in the entire shoe department and later threw a party, using the shoe paper as confetti.
Reep hid in racks of clothing and as customers browsed through the clothes, he yelled in a high, squeaky voice, "Pick Me! Pick ME!!"
Garth redressed a male mannequin in a slinky red cocktail dress and carried him around the store, showing his 'girlfriend' off to everyone in sight.
"And she's all mine," Garth wrapped his arm around the mannequin. "She's such a heartbreaker!"
Reep picked up a brassiere and tried it on in the middle of a walkway. "Does this look sexy, Imra?"
In all of the havoc Garth, Imra and Reep were creating, they forgot about their pack of socks, which they had left in the lingerie section.
--
Tinya, Brin and Rokk weren't having much luck either. The West Side of the store consisted of Health & Beauty along with Housewares. Seeing that the Vice President wouldn't want any of those things, the three legionnaires wandered around.
"You know what the Vice President needs?" Tinya asked as they approached the hair care section. "A comb. Seriously, have you seen the guy's hair?"
"Phant- I mean, Tinya, I don't think we need to be rude like that," Rokk replied. Tinya shrugged.
"I am so bored," Tinya groaned. "Can we at least have some fun or something?"
"…Fun?" Brin raised an eyebrow. "I'll probably regret asking this, but what do you mean, by 'fun'?"
"Watch and learn, Puppy," Tinya winked at Brin. She cleared her throat and spoke into the megaphone.
"Code 3 in Housewares. Code 3 in Housewares," she said. Not long after, three employees in their blue uniform shirts came dashing by, carrying lice remover. They dashed into one of aisles and sounds of a struggle could be heard.
"I should have known," Brin shook his head.
"Well? Why don't you guys try it?" Tinya asked.
"Well…" Rokk mused. "What's the worst that can happen?"
Brin grabbed rolls of toilet paper and started TPing the aisles.
Tinya scanned the area for newly hired employees. "Bingo," she whispered.
She approached the lanky Wal-Mart employee and tired her best to look innocent. "Pardon me, but do you know where I can find some… Shnerples?"
"Shnerples?" the lanky dude scratched his head. "I don't think we have any of those in stock. Lemme look it up," the guy replied as he walked over to the computer. "Wait! Looks like you're in luck."
Tinya followed him as he walked towards the hemorrhoid medicine section.
"Here you are," he handed her a package of Shnerples. "Those'll take care of any problems you may have."
"….Thanks," Tinya said.
Meanwhile, Rokk and Brin went to the free samples section and stuff their pockets with lotions, toothpastes and shaving cream.
"Look at this," Rokk said, examining a bottle very carefully.
"What does it say?" Brin asked.
"TRY ME!" Rokk said in a sing-song voice as he sprayed himself excessively with it.
"Hmm," Tinya looked at a hairbrush. "I wonder how this works," she said as she nonchalantly used it.
Amongst all of their 'fun', the VP's gift was forgotten by Tinya, Brin and Rokk.
--
Trip, Chuck and Clark were perusing the South Side of the store, which contained groceries.
"Why would the Veep want groceries?" Trip asked.
"Beats me," Clark replied.
"Well, Brainy sent us here. We might as well look for something," Chuck said.
"Say… You guys wouldn't be interested in some good ol' fashioned 21st century fun, would you?" Clark asked mischievously.
"Such as?" Trip raised an eyebrow.
"Check this out," Clark grabbed a carton of orange juice and popped it open. OJ went spilling everywhere and Clark supersped to the bathroom and back.
"What'd you just do?" Chuck asked.
"Made an orange juice trail to the bathrooms," he replied.
"What happened to goody-two-shoes Superman?" Trip asked, shocked.
"I leave him outside whenever I come to Wal-Mart," Clark answered cheekily.
"I wanna try!" Chuck grabbed a bag of M&Ms and approached a Wal-Mart employee. "Sir, I'd like to put this on layaway."
"Mister, you can't do that," he replied.
"Why not?" Chuck asked innocently.
"Well, that's only 44 cents…"
"So…?" Chuck asked. "What happened to 'The customer's always right'?"
"Fine," the guy took the M&Ms and walked off, mumbling.
Trip and Clark burst into laughter.
"Nice," Clark high-fived him.
"My turn!" Trip giggled. She walked towards another employee and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Would you so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" she asked.
"My Twinkies…?" he replied, confused. "You mean my…"
"Look! A monkey!" Trip pointed behind him.
"Where?" the guy turned around. Trip ran back to where Clark and Chuck were standing and erupted into laughter.
"That was so fun!" she exclaimed.
"Watch and learn," Clark walked up to a convex security mirror and looked in it. He began to pick his nose.
"RED ROVER, RED ROVER!" Clark cried, alarming the family walking in front of him.
"Who buys this stuff anyway?" Clark said loudly and obnoxiously as he held a carton of milk.
"…People who like milk?" a green haired lady who was being followed by a floating eyeball said as she snatched the carton from him before walking off.
The trio left the grocery section and explored the South-Central side of the store.
"Hey, look, guns! I wanna try one out!" Chuck said. He took one and aimed for a bullseye that was hung up on a wall. "Sir!" he called to an employee. "Where can I find the antidepressants?"
"You there!" Trip yelled to a lady with long, wavy purple hair. "I challenge you to a gift-wrapping paper roll duel!"
The lady ignored her and Trip moved onto a white-haired man wearing a lightning bolt sweatshirt. "I challenge you to a gift-wrapping paper roll duel!"
She was ignored again. "You there!" Trip yelled to a girl with short red hair and a t-shirt that said 'Luthor' on it. "I challenge you to a gift-wrapping paper roll duel!"
"…Trip, let it go," Clark said.
"Aw, fine," Trip grumbled.
Clark took a pink tricycle and started riding it.
"Sir! You can't do that!" an employee said.
"Relax. I'm just taking it for a test drive!" he said.
Trip, Chuck and Clark were so engrossed in their antics, they completely forgot about why they come to Wal-Mart in the first place.
--
On the North Side of the store, Kell, Violet and Brainy were perusing through electronics, music and toys.
"What do you think the VP would like?" Violet asked Brainy.
"Beats me," Brainy shrugged.
"We can get him some music," Kell suggested as he tossed a CD to Brainy.
"Breaking Benjamin," Brainy read off the cover. "I'm sure the VP will love American hard rock from the 21st century," he said sarcastically.
"You have any better ideas?" Kell asked.
"Hey guys, check this out!" Violet cranked up the volume on every TV in the aisle.
"Too… loud…" Brainy cried.
"Come on," Violet grabbed Brainy and Kell and made a run for it before an employee caught them.
"What was that for?" Kell asked.
"Come on! Have a sense of humor, you guys!" Violet snorted.
"Humor? That was supposed to be funny?" Brainy asked.
"It was supposed to be fun," Violet corrected. "You guys wouldn't know what fun is if it whacked you with a fish in the face!"
"Really?" Kell raised an eyebrow. "I'll try it."
He took a wet floor sign and moved it onto a carpeted area.
"Is that fun enough for you?" Kell asked.
Violet just laughed (with a snort) in response.
"My turn!" she giggled. She cranked up the heavy metal on the complimentary radio and started headbanging and air-guitaring.
"Hmm…" Brainy said to himself. He 're-alphabetatized' the entire music collection, switching kid's music with uncensored rap and boy-band candy pop with hard core metal. "This should be amusing…"
Violet took a chair from housewares and pulled it up to a TV, where she switched the channel to 'The Young and the Antennaeless' and started bawling loudly.
Kell approached a young employee.
"Do you know where I can find a certain CD?"
"Sure, what's it called?"
"Well, I don't exactly know what it's called, but it goes like this… DA DA LALALA DUN DUN DUN DUH DENENENE HEEEEEEEEEEEY OOO AAA OOO PING PUNG PONG-"
"Oh, why didn't you just say so?" the employee handed him a CD titled 'Sounds of the Ocean'.
Brainy typed HELLO upside-down (07734) into all the calculators and left cryptic messages on the computers.
"Hey! It's been so long!" Kell walked up to a random lady and kissed her on both cheeks. "Why didn't you call?"
"…Kell?" Louise blinked. "Is that you?"
"…" Kell supersped away.
Violet grabbed a megaphone and cleared her throat, "WE'RE TAKING BETS FOR THE FINAL SUPER ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN G.I JOE AND BARBIE! BET WHILE YOU CAN!"
Violet and Kell set up an army of barbies and an army of G. I. Joes while Brainy sold tickets and took bets. After the crowd was seated in the hallway, Violet dropped a red lipstick bomb and the war began.
Days… Okay, hours… Okay, minutes later, there was only one standing. Barney.
"Okay, okay, you guys. I was wrong," Violet said. "You guys ARE funny and you DO know what fun is."
"Heck yeah," Kell exclaimed. "After all, I AM Superman's clone."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Brainy asked.
"Don't tell me you've never been shopping with Clark," Violet said, shocked.
"She's right," Kell agreed.
Again, many a legionnaire was too enthralled to remember their one shopping goal.
--
"That was insane!" Trip exclaimed.
"I've never had that much fun, ever!" Violet agreed.
Rokk sobered up and cleared his throat, "So, what did you guys get?"
"…Sprock," Garth mumbled.
"What was that, Garth?" Rokk asked.
"We totally forgot," Garth said bashfully.
"Okay…" Rokk sighed. "Clark? What did you guys get?"
"Aw, man!" Chuck cried. "It totally slipped our mind!"
"Kell?" Rokk asked.
Kell just shook his head. "Sorry…"
"What on earth were you guys doing!?" Rokk cried. "We were supposed to get a gift for the VP's birthday!"
"What did you guys get?" Garth asked, crossing his arms.
"Um… Tell 'em, Tinya!" Rokk said.
"Actually," Tinya started. "We couldn't find anything…"
"So we have nothing to give the VP of the United Planets?" Imra asked.
"Well…." Violet thought aloud.
--
"And this one's from the Legion of Superheroes," the Vice President read the card. "I wonder what they got me…"
He unwrapped the gift to find a white shoebox. He lifted up the lid and saw…
A stuffed purple dinosaur covered in red lipstick and battle wounds.
--
Thanks for reading! Drop a review, please!