Title: Sins of the Fathers
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Rating: PG13
Summary: A moment with Spike and Xander in the Basement of Doom
Contact: mergatrude@lycos.com
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, not strictly true, as by my calculations I own the front door and probably the hallway, and hey, the car is paid off, but I still owe Mum the money for this computer!
This is fanonical, as it assumes a relationship between Xander and Spike sometime in Season 4. No spoilers.
Sins of the Fathers
And suddenly he is afraid that, after all, he has been fooling himself. That he is in the end nothing more than a poor substitute. So what was the meaning of those gentle kisses and caresses? Merely to make him crave his lover's touch, the exquisite pleasurepain he knows he is drawn to - but this - this is beyond even painpleasure. And he is so lost.
To that dark part inside that could fall so easily into this world, could lose himself in the rhythm of falling blows, of seeing older, coarser flesh beneath the leather than that which is spread before him, taking back pain doled out over many years.
He runs the leather between his palms.
(Go get my belt, boy ...)
What's it to be? What's he to be? Another whose love is cruel? Who alternates blows and kisses? He doesn't think he can play that game and stay sane. He doesn't think that he could not grow to hate what he now realises he loves; he loves too much to hurt, even when his love craves to be hurt; can't repeat the cycle of violence that taints both their lives.
The belt falls to the floor as he reaches up to release his lover. Unable to meet those blue eyes, unwilling to see what they might contain - contempt, pity, disappointment, or worse still, understanding - he turns away and hurriedly shrugs into his clothes.
'I'm sorry, Spike. I can't do this. I can't be Angelus, and I don't want to be my father ...'
He leaves.
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Rating: PG13
Summary: A moment with Spike and Xander in the Basement of Doom
Contact: mergatrude@lycos.com
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, not strictly true, as by my calculations I own the front door and probably the hallway, and hey, the car is paid off, but I still owe Mum the money for this computer!
This is fanonical, as it assumes a relationship between Xander and Spike sometime in Season 4. No spoilers.
Sins of the Fathers
And suddenly he is afraid that, after all, he has been fooling himself. That he is in the end nothing more than a poor substitute. So what was the meaning of those gentle kisses and caresses? Merely to make him crave his lover's touch, the exquisite pleasurepain he knows he is drawn to - but this - this is beyond even painpleasure. And he is so lost.
To that dark part inside that could fall so easily into this world, could lose himself in the rhythm of falling blows, of seeing older, coarser flesh beneath the leather than that which is spread before him, taking back pain doled out over many years.
He runs the leather between his palms.
(Go get my belt, boy ...)
What's it to be? What's he to be? Another whose love is cruel? Who alternates blows and kisses? He doesn't think he can play that game and stay sane. He doesn't think that he could not grow to hate what he now realises he loves; he loves too much to hurt, even when his love craves to be hurt; can't repeat the cycle of violence that taints both their lives.
The belt falls to the floor as he reaches up to release his lover. Unable to meet those blue eyes, unwilling to see what they might contain - contempt, pity, disappointment, or worse still, understanding - he turns away and hurriedly shrugs into his clothes.
'I'm sorry, Spike. I can't do this. I can't be Angelus, and I don't want to be my father ...'
He leaves.