Title: Hello, Mary Sue
Category: Games ยป Final Fantasy VII
Originally Published Under Account: Mary Sue 2die4
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Humor/Horror
Published: 12-07-05, Updated: 12-07-05
Chapters: 1, Words: 4,563
A/N: A smidgen of plot taken from the game, a dash from AC, and a lot of liberties with the rest. Oh, and I own nothing except what's left of my sanity.
Hello, Mary Sue
(or: The Sue-A-Thon)
"So, tell me again why the fuck we're hiding underneath a table, Vin?" Cid queried with a whisper from beneath said table. He was getting rather antsy as well, not being able to smoke due to the mayhem occurring beyond the boundaries of their hidey-hole.
Why you ask? Well, it was simple deduction. It was either not smoke and remain undetected under the table guarded by some tacky floral adorned tablecloth; or smoke and be ravaged by the vicious and rather voluptuous creatures running amuck outside the safety zone.
'To smoke or not to smoke: that is the question; Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the wiles and charms of outrageous fanism, or to take arms against a sea of Sues, and by opposing end them? To die-' Graciously, Cid halted his internal soliloquy before the specter of one: Mr. Shakespeare; rose from the grave to initiate a plagiarism lawsuit against the authoress.
Vincent shifted his crimson eyes to the blond, one fine eyebrow raised. "How many times do I have to repeat myself, Highwind?" The ex-Turk whispered, the annoyed tone in his voice as plain as the shattering of glass and high pitched yelp of pain coming from somewhere beyond the flower patterned tablecloth.
"Mary Sues. A whole room full of Mary Sues just waiting to rip our characters to shreds, leaving behind only the ghost of what we once were," Vincent paused as something else smashed to the floor and Tifa could be heard altering between whimpers of fright and moans of pleasure. "The only thing that would remain is our terribly out of character shells."
Cid cringed as something, or someone, cast some type of spell which caused hammer space to open and a transformation to commence. He only knew this because there was a sudden flash of light filled with little hearts, stars, and sparkly things; and random j-pop had started playing from absolutely nowhere. That and the fact the person who was performing the transformation could be seen in perfect silhouette through the meager resistance the tablecloth provided. The pilot had to suppress a snicker as it was obvious said transformation also caused the God-Moding Sue's bust to increase in cup size.
The light faded when the display was over, once again throwing the underside of the table back into darkness. Vincent lowered the barrel of the Death Penalty a tad since the danger had passed.
"Uhm, Vinny?" Cid scooted closer to the dark haired gunman seeing as Vincent had the only means of protection. The Venus Gospel itself was currently taking up residence in Cid's captain's quarters on the airship. He really hadn't thought he'd need it. They were only going to a bar goddamnit! They had never expected this to happen...
"What?" Was the terse, one word reply.
The pilot wished again for a cig. At least it would calm his frazzled nerves. All this hiding and cowering was starting to make him feel like they were part of a bad horror flick. "Why the fuck haven't they found us yet?"
Vincent shrugged in response. Who really knew? Maybe the Mary Sues' Suedar was currently on the fritz. Maybe the authoress was taking pity on them since they were two of her favorite characters? No, that couldn't be it. So was Cloud and the poor boy was last seen being crushed by the unnatural bazoombas of a Perfect Sue. It must be the Suedar, Vincent presumed. Or the tablecloth had a special Suedar jamming shield that only appeared to be a polyethylene coating.
As an Angsty Sue stumbled close by the pairs refuge, emoting howls of depression and sounding too much like a zombie, the two hunkered down in silence to wait out the melee.
As fate would have it, the Northern Crater was awash. Though not in lifestream or anything of the like. Of course not. It was awash in Man-Hunter Sues.
Alas, it was bordering on the obscene due to the fact said Sues were currently making feeble attempts at re-creating the landscape into their paradoxical fantasies. Houses with white picket fences, mansions with sea side views and vistas sporting all the latest in otherworldly technology graced the various jagged peaks, valleys, and plateaus.
The authoress did find it amusing if albeit rather garish to behold.
In the middle of this travesty of biblical proportions was the great General himself fending off wave after wave of Mary Sues. There appeared to be no end in sight to the outnumbered silver haired villain's mako enhanced eyesight, and if it wasn't beneath him Sephiroth may have broken down into sobs.
Blood poured into the bowels of the Northern Crater as the Sue Army continued their tireless onslaught. The wicked biting edge of the Masamune's blade would strike them down and yet more would surge forward to fill the voids their brethren left.
Sephiroth vowed that when he got himself out of this mess, he would hunt down the perpetrator responsible for awakening him from his rather pleasant slumber and filling his final resting place with Sues as far as the eye could see.
Or simply take up his quest again to use the planet as his personal space-travel vehicle; which he would then crash into said perp's home world for revenge.
Served cold of course. With a side of curly fries.
Back at the bar two furiously screeching Friend Sues were facing off against the Perfect Sue that had sunk her well manicured claws into Cloud.
The spiky haired blond was vainly trying to suppress tears while just as vainly trying to come up with an escape plan. It was just his luck that the first Mary Sue to enter the bar had glomped onto him thereby eliminating his chances of seeking shelter under the table that Vincent and Cid had disappeared beneath.
"give him up!11eleven! cloud-san is gonna travel teh world with us!111" Hollered Friend Sue from another world. The sucked into her Playstation Friend Sue nodded her agreement, violet and aqua tresses bouncing madly around her pale face.
Perfect Sue placed her free bejeweled hand on her hip, flipping back her long honeyed and slightly curled hair over her shoulder. "Silly children, he is mine! We are having a baby together and will live happily ever after. Besides, neither of you can compare to this!" The Sue motioned to her hour glass figure clad in a long, shape hugging gown.
The Friend Sues scrunched their faces up in anger, balling their fists and advancing on the Perfect Sue. "we wont let u win!1 well beat u n teh 2 of us will haf cloud-san 2 hour selfs!11111"
As the Perfect Sue released Cloud to prepare for battle, Cloud crawled over to the corner and curled into a ball. Rocking back and forth from his fetal position, Cloud bawled as no matter the outcome, he was royally Sue'd.
Wait, did I say Sue'd? I meant screwed, although I guess technically they have the same meaning with regard to the context, but I digress.
From atop a weapons shop, Tseng surveyed the landscape that was pocketed with Sues, firing off rounds from his gun in quick succession. Below, Reno and Rude were beating the snot out of a horde of Plot-Stealer Sues that had ripped down some of the boards they had put up over the shops shattered windows. Gunfire also sprang forth from inside their shelter as Elena, Rufus, and Reeve laid down cover fire for the two in the thick of the battle.
The Turks had intercepted the bold offensive from the newly installed CCTV system that monitored the rebuilt ShinRa headquarters. Elena had been the first to notice, spitting out coffee in a spray over the flickering screens before her. Tseng had joined her a moment later to watch the steady flow of well attired females inundate the foyer of the building.
Assessing the situation, Tseng and Elena split up. Tseng dragged Reeve away from a mountain of paperwork and Rufus from a stash of chocolate and swank magazines, both had objected profusely. Elena met little resistance when she informed Reno and Rude of the state of affairs. Well, the only resistance came from Reno's pants as the zipper had caught on his boxers when he was hastily redressing after loosing badly in a game of strip poker. Elena had simply raised her eyebrows at the large pile of clothing on the table, saw that the bald and redheaded Turks were the only ones in the break room and decided she didn't want to know.
The sextet evacuated the premises as only Turks fleeing from numerous Sues could: with style, grace, and lots of flashy explosions to cover their asses. From there it had been a merry jaunt to the nearest weapon store where they set up a base of operations and dubbed their current mission: The Sue-tuation, with a danger level of Code-Sue.
Taking aim at another Armani clad wannabe Turk Sue; Tseng neatly unloaded a whole clip into the back of her head from which a miasma of red erupted like a miniature solar flare. It was messy, but it effectively stopped her sneak attack on Reno's flank.
"I owe ya one, yo!" Reno called, waving his Electro Rod in a wide arc and in the process he took out two Sues, and their perfect front teeth, that had been lunging for him.
Tseng afforded the redhead a brief nod, turning back to the situation at hand. The crowd was thinning down, which would hopefully give them time to repair the damage and fortify the shop.
The black haired Turk felt his jaw twitch as a low thrumming started, gradually getting louder with each passing second. Obsidian colored eyes cast about and the twitch increased as the thrumming escalated into a roar of thumping feet and a tidal wave of well dressed Sues streamed in from around the multitude of edifices surrounding them.
Below, Reno and Rude scrambled to get into the shop and the three people already inside murmured what would be their epitaph; a resounding, "Oh shit."
The invasion was pandemic in nature, no matter the size of the weapon shop's arsenal, the Turks were vastly outnumbered.
The undulating commotion ensuing in the bar was mercifully dulled by the reinforced door of the tavern's walk in refrigerator. Nanaki was peacefully curled up and congratulating himself on having the wisdom to lock and destroy the handle of the freezer when the Sues overwhelmed the building.
It may be a bit cold, but it was better to freeze than become nothing more than an experiment once again. Only this time at the hand of the Sues.
Tifa held the tattered remains of her outfit to her as she silently cursed her own stupidity. It was her fault for wearing such flimsy clothes she chided, tying knots at random points to secure the material to her figure.
For once she wasn't in any rush to assist Cloud; he only had three adversaries to face while she had fifty.
It had started humorously enough with the Perfect Sue latching onto the spooked blond. Tifa had been laughing until she had tears trailing down her cheeks, Cloud was so dense he wasn't aware of how to properly repel a Mary Sue and it was good entertainment to watch, if a little sadistic.
The humor died for her when she noticed Barret legging it out of a window and that Nanaki, Vincent, and Cid were all long gone. As she watched Barret's form vanish into the setting sun, long shadows crept up the wall and heavy breathing made her skin crawl with goose bumps.
Tifa clenched her fists; knuckles turning white as skin stretched across bone, and pivoted on one heel a hundred and eighty degrees opposite the direction she had just been facing. There, swaying to some instinctual tempo was a gaggle of Slutty Sues. Their eyes gleamed with insatiable lust as they traversed the curves of Tifa's body. It made her feel so unclean.
The most disturbing part of the sight was the fact that the Sues were all naked and their hair below the belt was neatly clipped into the profile of a Chocobo. One Sue motioned to Tifa and let loose with a war cry of, "Tally ho!"
The Sues then attacked like rabid random battle monsters and charged like a solid gelatinous mass with their torpedo shaped chests jiggling to and fro. Some of them were waving nude pictures of her while others toted various toys of differing length and proportion. Tifa fell into battle stance and readied herself for the impending assault.
The transitional element of the scene unexpectedly ended to spare the remaining brain cells of those bearing witness to the debacle. Suffice to say, Tifa was unprepared for the Slutty Sues but fought valiantly when she would return to her senses during scattered interludes of calm.
This was one such pause in a cycle of grope and attack where Tifa found herself drawn out of the macabre horizontal tango and was able to fend off the stragglers feening for her flesh. The authoress was still wondering what the hell a 'thung' was, even though she really didn't want that particular enlightenment gracing her vocabulary unless it was a badly misspelled version of 'tongue'. Either way, it still sounded dirty.
As the battle persisted, carrying on over the countertop of the bar, a single bottle of Jack Daniels rolled out of its perch and miraculously landed on its side, unharmed. A bouncy Stalker Sue tripped over the cylindrical object, its amber liquid sloshing with the motion as it was propelled across the floor and beneath a table.
Under aforementioned table, Vincent and Cid passed the bottle of Old No.7 back and forth, taking hearty swigs of the whiskey to sooth their shot nerves.
Yuffie felt her gut rise up into her throat and the migraine that was beating on her skull like a crazed drummer increased in cadence as she thrashed around on the floor of her fathers Pagoda.
She had suddenly fallen prey to a violent illness that no manner of drugs could seem to cure. The stomachache she could handle, but her brain felt like someone was playing Hannibal Lector inside of it and carving away at it piece by piece.
Maybe it was that sushi she ate? Maybe she had finally driven Cid to poison her tea? Motion sickness? The bottle of sake she had consumed? That trip through the vents of ShinRa Inc. from where she slunk away with a thief's wet dream of ungodly amounts of materia? No, her psyche was being methodically replaced with the vapid thought patterns of the dreaded Canon Sue.
Yuffie's eyes shot open and her jaw dropped as she realized something much, much too late. It was a realization like that of a light bulb going off over one's head; a blinding epiphany in which angels sung hosannas from the heavens; the equivalent of the brilliance of a thousand suns dying simultaneously; and the unbridled fury of a yaoi fangirl made to wait on her latest shipment of doujinshi's for an entire extra day since no one was around to sign for the package. It was hyperbole at its most profound. Yuffie realized that the Canon Sue'ing was directly proportional to her finer moments in game.
Unequivocally: when she robbed the authoress blind. Stupid ninja.
Everything went quiet. Everything except for the chirping of birds and splash of the occasional fish. Perspiration beaded in rivulets over her shaken frame as a word uttered by only the rankest denizens of hell reigned free in the inner most trappings of her fogged mind, 'Yuffentine' it whispered.
"NO!" She screeched like nails over a chalkboard. "Why! He's old and hardly speaks and smells funny and Aeris Christ on a crutch doesn't swing that way anymore!" She droned to the unlistening beings choking her thoughts. "I have blackmail pictures to prove it! Leave me alone!"
The Sues that be didn't like the young ninja's declaration and punctuated this by twisting harder on their proverbial grip of her mind. "Crap!" Clutching her throbbing head in her hands, Yuffie babbled a mantra to herself, "Fight it, Yuffie! Fight it!"
It was unfortunate that this battle was not one she could flee from.
Hojo raised an eyebrow at the scores of women and a few men currently vying for his attention. They were pleading in a crescendo of voices to become experiments.
The scientist raised a hand over his head, silencing the masses. "You may all have the privilege to partake in my research," Hojo smirked when cheerful warbles emitted from the crowd at his declaration.
He wasn't about to pass up all the fresh Victim Sues self donated to science.
Barret had managed to make it out of the bar fiasco relatively unscathed. He knew he had to find a good hiding place for him and his daughter, who he was able to extract from his home with some decisive camping strategies. First person shooters were always good for brushing up on one's stealth and tactical maneuvering; which was proved by carefully making his way across the Sue infested landscape. Although he had to admit it was a pain attempting head shots with his gun-arm.
A slight whimper from his shoulder where Marlene was currently buried against steadied his determination to get them the hell out of the path of the locusts.
Currently, he was traveling across a vast open field, having lost his sense of direction somewhere along the line. Ahead, he could make out the structure of a farmhouse. With a burst of speed to cover the distance, as it was foolhardy to be caught out in the open with so many Sues on the loose, he reached his destination noting that it was the Chocobo farm, or more aptly put, what was left of it.
The house looked like it had sustained significant damage, and after a thorough check was also abandoned. Barret made his way into the basement of the ramshackled home, securing the cellar door in an effort to preempt any wandering Mary Sues.
Depositing Marlene on a couch, Barret took a seat beside her and they both released pent up sighs of relief. The relief was short lived though. Two pairs of eyes widened and focused on a lopsided wooden door from whence a low sigh was heard. The two stiffened on the couch as the sigh was followed by a voice.
"Oh woe is me. I hath traveled the world at large only to be locked in such a drab cellar by the Pirates of the Penzance," A lilting voice that sounded like bells remarked.
Shuffling sounds behind the door alerted the two frozen individuals on the couch that the Pity-Beggar Sue was on the move. "Won't someone comfort me in this, my hour of need? I have been abused by my parents, run over at the tender age of three by stampeding Chocobo's, scarred by a sudden explosion in the outhouse, captured by slavers and sold for three gil on the human black market, beaten and raped by the pirates and left to die by wounds inflicted upon me in this dank cellar. Woe, oh woe and agony."
Barret had developed a nervous tick listening to the laundry list of ails. That and he wished the Pity-Beggar hadn't been dumped here by the pirates, whom he was sure got rid of her since she was souring their song and dance routine. The dark skinned man turned to his daughter with a serious expression. "Marlene, I'm gunna take care o'dat thing. I want ya ta cover yer ears until I get back, okay?"
Marlene nodded and placed her small hands over her ears. She started humming One Winged Angel since it seemed apropos for the mood and watched her father cautiously approach the door that separated the Sue from them.
Barret disappeared behind the door with a final look back at his daughter, closing it in his wake. Even with her ears covered, the loud bursts of gunfire signified that her father had disposed of the whiny menace.
The door opened and Barret reappeared with a pained and glazed mien. Marlene placed a hand on her fathers arm when he had retaken his seat to her side. He gave her a short nod, affirming that the Sue was gone, and they shared a small smile.
Their smiles died as the wooden door creaked open ominously and the bullet riddled Sue painfully crawled out. "Oh my saviors! Won't you assist my poor, broken, yet still beautiful self?" The Sue spoke airily, reaching a bloody hand towards them.
The two shot to their feet from the couch at the creature's appearance. Barret pointed his gun-arm at the monstrosity as they backed up against the far wall of the basement. "Oh no..." He trailed off, his face blanching in horror as he checked the status of his weapon.
"Daddy, why won't it die!" Marlene cried, clinging to her father.
Barret shook his gun-arm furiously, scowling at the carcass dragging itself across the floor towards them. "Need mo' ammo!"
A keener mind may think that the destruction was limited only to the mortal coil, which many mortals were wishing they could shuck by this point in time. If that were the case, it was a harsh misjudgment by great minds, or simply minds wishing to be free of the hell spawn.
Zack tore through the lifestream, weaving his jeep about like Speed Racer on pure grade A Colombian cocaine. In retrospect, it was not simply because he enjoyed doing so or that he was on pure grade A Colombian coke. Oh no, it was due to the three Daughter Sues clinging to the side of the wildly careening vehicle, shouting at the two passengers in a brain jarring high pitch and causing their eardrums to bleed.
"They're like leeches, Zack!" Aeris futilely cried while attempting to pry one of the cling-on Sues from her death grip on the jeep. She was reduced to beating the Sue over the head with her Princess Guard until it let go, repeating the desperate bid for freedom on the other two.
"O NOES! MOMMY!111111111one" The trio of Daughter Sues lamented as they were wrested free, only to succumb to the trampling feet of the closely following horde of Sues chasing the gaudily painted jeep.
Aeris took a seat beside Zack and watched the Sues slowly fall behind in the rearview mirror. Zack turned to his pink clad companion of the astral realm as the lifestream ahead of them cleared, revealing a rather large cliff. "Uhm, Aeris..."
"Yes, Zack?"
"That cliff is getting mighty close now, not that I have any idea how there could be a cliff in here," Zack paused, letting his foot ride the gas pedal as the cliff loomed closer. "but maybe we should just give in?"
Aeris sensed the desperation in his voice. And where had a cliff come from in the lifestream? That made about as much sense as Chewbacca living on Endor. That didn't matter now though she thought, only getting away from the slathering Daughter Sues who wanted to make mincemeat -er- parents out of the two of them. "No."
Zack glanced over to see a steely resolve stamped across the flower girls features. "No?"
Grasping one of Zack's hands from the steering wheel, Aeris turned to give the dark haired SOLDIER a meaningful nod. "No. I feel awake, wide awake. Everything looks different. You feel that too, like you've got something to look forward to?"
"You always know just what to say to make me feel better," With a wild grin and a brief squeeze of the hands clasping his, Zack floored the gas sending the jeep barreling over the edge of the cliff with a parting scream of, "Hasta la vista, suckers!"
This in accord resulted in lemming like Sue death as the Daughter Sues threw themselves off the precipice after their would-be parents. Dismay and whining of: 'Y DID U LEEV ME MOMMY!11112' echoed throughout the lifestream while the authoress fended off yet another lawsuit to the tune of 'The Sues Made Me Do It'.
The bar, or what remained of it, looked like something out of an extremely bad porn flick. It was either that or comparison to a fic Vincent and Cid had once been forced to read by a certain authoress whose name sounded a lot like the green faced pilot's to his right, currently taking in the scene as well. Wait, that was a bad porn fic. Same thing, the ex-Turk mused.
Vincent blinked; noting that there were no Random-Encounter Sues stalking in their current vicinity. They were safe for the moment, but it would only be a matter of time unless they made a hasty departure.
Placing his good hand on Cid's shoulder, Vincent gave the pilot a brief shake back to reality. "Highwind, we should depart..." Vincent smirked behind his cloak. "to the Highwind," The disturbingly sticky mess around them was momentarily forgotten as Cid thwacked the gunman upside the back of his head.
The tension relieving moment was cut short as the two felt the color, or what there was of it in Vincent's case, drain from their faces as an angsty moan reverberated from one of the back rooms of the bar. It was enough to set them in motion and make tracks to the awaiting airship.
Now, the story could feasibly end there, but all stories need closure. Thus, Vinny and Cid traveled the Sue ridden world by air, not daring to land until the nightmare to end all nightmares ended. The authoress was kind enough to supply them with limitless fuel to keep aloft, for she had condemned far too many below.
Condemned were those who were not smart enough to seek neither shelter nor providence in the various nooks and crannies, refrigerators, bomb shelters, mountains, cupboards, beneath beds or tables, and in closets. Not that any of those places would matter now that the Suethors were loose to wreck havoc.
It was a veritable reincarnation of Dawn of the Dead, only it was Dawn of the Sues. It made writers of the fandom weep into their keyboards and gnash their teeth in agony. Mostly though, it was due to the fact that the authoress was dragging out the Sue fic beyond the bounds of reasonable discourse.
So how did it end you may ask? Did the planet heal itself by spreading out its greenish tendrils of lifestream over the Sue-torn world and removing them from existence and the minds of those molested by Sues born from hubris?
No, no of course not. Like all tragic Sue fics: there was heard the keening wail of the multi-Sues, ending abruptly in their simultaneous romantic death scenes. Which in themselves lasted for nigh on an hour.
And in the end, the planet rejoiced.
Random FFVII MST plug, or the fic mentioned in fic:
(1) FF7 Special Edition MST - Cidsa (link is broken, if you can find it let me know)