Broken
by Kat
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
He was coming.
She sat quietly on her bed, glancing occasionally at the wall clock over her shoulder. One hand ran through her long brown mane, holding it at her neck for a moment. She released it, letting it cover her face.
He was coming.
Her eyes fell on the photo that sat beside her bed, tracing the faces of the man and the woman. They were so happy once. She reached over, caressing his face with her finger, her heart filling immediately with pain and love.
Pain and love. To her they went hand in hand. She loved him more than anything...and she'd cost him more pain than she could let herself remember.
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
She put the frame back in its place and stood, walking soundlessly to the window that overlooked the entrance. No cars approached from either road. Her brow furrowed, with worry and doubt.
He was coming.
He said he was.
She glanced down at herself, taking a moment to smooth out her hair.
The door opened and she turned, her heart lurching as her eyes met a familiar pair of blue ones. She caught some unrecognizable pain flicker in them.
"He's not coming."
She knew he'd promised but... he didn't want to see her. She'd known that. It was her fault. Her hands began to shake, her mind losing it's focus on the present. Rushing into memories and feelings she hated.
She felt Jason's hand on her shoulder, steadying her. He sighed, "He's here Carly. He told you he would be."
Her breath caught, eyes sparkling with hope as she smiled timidly at her friend. "Really?"
He responded with a gentle smile. "Yes. Really. He sent me ahead to make sure you still wanted...well to make sure you were ready to see him."
She smiled widely, taking note of the relief that seemed to fill Jason. "Of course I'm ready." She tugged nervously at her crisp red blouse. Brushing off imaginary dust from her jeans, she continued to fidget, trying to maintain control of her emotions. She couldn't decide how to feel.
All she was sure of was that he was here and she wanted to be near him.
He was here.
She could look at him.
She could touch him.
"Carly."
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
She glanced up at Jason's almost pleading tone. "What is it?" She studied him closely as he wiped his hand across his brow, struggling for words.
"Remember how I told you that Sonny...looks different?"
She looked away, some image pricking at her mind. She knew that. He had told her but she'd known before he'd said anything. "How could I forget that? It's the reason he hasn't come, isn't it?
"It's part of it, yes. He...thinks...I can't explain it, Carly. It's not the way you mean."
She raised her hand, her fingers trembling with a mixture of fear and wanting. Jason hated to hear her blame herself. He always had. "I just want to see him. I need to be in the same room with him, you know? I miss his face."
She notice his grimace and frowned. He nodded as he walked to the door. "I'll let him know you're ready."
She nodded in return, facing the mirror to stare at her reflection. Reaching for her brush, she ran it through her hair enjoying the mundane chore.
It helped her think. Or not think as the case may be.
He was here.
There was so much she wanted to say but heaven knew where she would find the words. Regret and pain were her constant companions. She felt in the oddest way, comforted by them. They filled her days and tormented her nights leaving her with mornings where it physically hurt to face her life. She'd lie in bed letting it wash over, through her, wanting to let it drown her. Take her away so she could stop fighting. Stop pretending.
But then his face would flash across her mind. Thoughts of their children would enter and take hold. Memories of him, their smiles, their laughter, the days and the nights they'd spent and she'd open her eyes. She'd pull out of the stupor and she'd survive another day.
Nights were harder. She couldn't control any of her thoughts. Yearning would take over and she'd dream of him. Sometimes they'd turn into pictures, stills of that night. Flashes of blood, tears, his voice in her head and she'd wake up screaming.
She studied her face in the glass, her eyes falling on her hair. She hated it. It didn't feel like her.
That would be the first thing that would have to change.
She glanced down at her outfit. "Maybe I should have asked Jason if I looked good."
"You always look beautiful."
You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore
Her breath caught, mind screeching to a stop, the husky voice at her back causing turmoil and need inside her. Her heart double its pace and she closed her eyes in an effort to gather control. "I think you may be biased."
It didn't sound like her voice.
She could almost feel his smile and felt her own across her face.
"Shut up. You know you're a babe."
Laughter bubbled inside her throat and she whirled to look at him. Mirth died on her lips as her eyes took in his face. Her hand instinctively rose to her mouth.
"Sonny..."
The light in his eyes seemed to dim slightly and he smiled wryly. "It's not that - oof!"
She cut off his words as she flew across the room and into his arms. Almost causing him to lose his balance, his hands weaved around her , holding tightly. She cried and laughed at once into his chest, taking in a deep breath. He smelled like home. Like everything she wanted.
She let his warmth fill her before she pulled back, grinning up at him, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just thought...for so long..."
His hand ran down the back of head and stopped, resting on her neck. "I know."
She drank in his face, her chest constricting when her eyes passed over his scar. She was the one responsible for it. And all the others you couldn't see.
You hurt him. You hurt him. Hurt him.
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
The words stabbed at her. Reminding her that she didn't deserve this chance.
She shook her head, ignoring her mind's taunts, pushing the pain aside and bringing her hands up to cradle his face. She caressed it as she had the picture earlier. "It's so good to see you."
His eyes flickered need and doubt. She smiled at his confusion, touching his hair lightly. He covered her hands with his, gently tugging them to their sides. "Ditto."
You hurt him.
She caught that wanting, that hunger in his eyes before he shielded them from hers. Still gripping her hand, he glanced around her room. "It's very you."
There was a flicker of deja vu, a feeling that he'd been here before. She gave a small laugh bringing his attention back to her. "How come everyone says that?"
He stared pointedly at the burgundy and gold ottoman next to them, his finger pointing to the magazines strewn on it. "I wonder."
She smiled at the humor in his voice. Tugging gently, she sat on the ottoman watching as he followed her down. Turning to face him, she threaded his fingers through hers resting them between them. They sat quietly for some time staring at one another. His hand came to rest on her cheek, rubbing lightly. "You look better."
"Thank you. So do you."
"Liar."
"Back at you."
Sliding closer, she brought their clasps hands to her lap, laying her head on his shoulder. "How are the boys?" From the corner of her eye she saw his face lit up and her stomach felt that fluttering of desire, that unfurling of love reserved only for him.
"They're doing well. Or well as they can. Michael misses you so much and Morgan asks for you everyday. They're so big." He reached into his pocket pulling out two small photographs. One of the boys together, laughing. The other of all three of them.
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Taking them from him, she sniffed back her tears. God, she wanted to hold them. To be with them. She peeked over at him seeing sadness on his face. "Thank you for the letters. You don't know what they mean to me." She glanced down at the pictures then back at him, losing the battle with her tears."I miss them too. I miss you."
He stilled and met her eyes. "I...I try but they need their Mama."
She choked out a small cry and his arms encircled her shoulder, pulling her close. "I'm so sorry baby. That was...I don't know what I was thinking." He rubbed her back sweetly. "I should never...there's no pressure, Carly. We want you to come home when you're ready. I'm...sorry." His voice faded at the end as her head jolted up and she touched his face.
"No. No. Sonny, I lo-um...I appreciate your honesty. It's what I need." She felt his fingers run over her hair and pushed away the joy that leapt into her heart.
"I'll give you whatever you need."
Their eyes met once more, his face inching closer, foreheads touching. The air around them pulsing with need, a want that was all consuming. Her breathing came in short inaudible gasps. She saw his eyes fall to her lips and her body responded. She felt alive for the first time. Like herself. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips, eyes falling closed as she leaned in...
She heard his sharp intake of air, his muttered curse before she felt his warmth disappear. Her eyes popped open, finding him standing with his back to her. They closed against torrent of agony that filled her.
He hated her.
He had to.
He should.
You hurt him.
Her mind flashed to that night. His eyes...pleading. His face contorted with pain...and love. His determination to... what? She couldn't remember. All she could see was his pain, their pain...blood...screams...
She cut off a whimper, lifting her gaze to his rigid back. She opened her mouth in an attempt to form an apology. A way to make it easier...
"I'm so sorry, Carly."
She was momentarily stunned into silence. "What?," she croaked, her voice sounding hollow to her ears. He was apologizing to her?
Still facing away, she watched his shoulders hunch in sorrow, in guilt. "I'm sorry." He glanced back at her, his eyes two umber orbs of agony. "I did this."
She shook her head, confusion warring with some flicker of understanding. "I don't..."
"I put you here."
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
"What?"
His eyes avoided her face looking at the wall behind her. "I should have known. I should have taken better care of you. I let that bastard...I let him hurt you."
Disbelief and coldness rose inside her. She stared numbly at him. He was taking the blame for what she had done. For the anguish and hurt she'd caused him and their family. For everything she'd cost them. Cost him. "Sonny..." He wasn't listening. She could see that. Knew what he looked like when his mind was made up.
"You know that I wrote you two letters a week. One that I sent telling you about the boys , our days without you, letting you know how much we missed you and...and the other one always the same, always an apology. I could never bring myself to mail it."
She shifted her gaze to the dresser drawer where she had kept everything he'd sent. All the letters, the pictures, the beautiful red silk scarf...
"Is this why you wouldn't see me?," she asked, realization becoming clearer.
He nodded, shuffling his feet. "I knew you...I was the last thing you needed."
She almost laughed at the irony.
He was the only reason she'd survived.
"That's not true."
"I tried to see you once." He stood near the window now, peering out. "It was right after...I wanted to hold you. To make you believe that I was with you. I tried to be your hero...to stop your pain. I was the reason you lost your way."
She had a vague recollection of that night. She'd been filled with guilt. She'd thought she'd killed the only person she couldn't survive without. She rose, walking to his side, reaching for his hand. He pulled away, skittering to the door.
"Sonny."
"I know that it's not possible to forgive me."
She started to protest but stopped when he raised his hand. He turned to face her, walking to stand in front of her. "I can't let go...you know. I know it's what you need. That after everything we went through...this...won't work." Her eyes widened and she shook her head.
"It works..."
"You have every right to hate me. I let our family down. I promised I would take care of you and I didn't."
"It wasn't your fault." She felt the walls closing in on her. "Sonny, I need you. Please."
He reached out to her, enveloping her in his arms. "I'm not going anywhere, Carly." He pulled back, his eyes boring into hers. "Jason told me the good news. You're coming home."
She nodded slowly, waiting for him to finish.
"I swear to you I will do everything in my power to help you. I'll be there for you. For our boys. I'll help you regain your life. I want to give you everything I took away."
"Everything I want is you."
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone
He took a step back, shaking, his voice cracking. "I can't be with you. I can't put you through that. Not again."
She felt the tears fall and she reached for him. "Sonny..."
His fists clenched as he walked to the door reaching for the handle. "I need...I have to go."
"Sonny...wait. I love you."
His face crumbled for a moment, her softly whispered declaration sending a shockwave of grief through him. She watched a tear trail down his cheek. "Please stop. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She walked closer, her hand outstretched. "Do you love me?"
"More than I can say. I always will."
"Then...why?," her voice rose.
"Because you deserve better than me. Can't you see...I'm broken? Can't you see I made you the same way? Everything I touch, everything I want I destroy. I did it to you."
Before she could respond, he was out of the door, leaving her alone. All the emotions she'd suppressed bubbled out of her. Alcazar had won. He'd taken Sonny away from her. He'd made him hate her. Anger at what had been done to them took over. She screamed in rage throwing anything she could find at the wall, the floor...
Her eyes found their picture on the bed and she fell to the ground, her body shaking with sobs, her anguish filling the room...
You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore
Lyrics: Broken by Seether feat. Amy Lee