Haunted

By Kat

She stood silently in the doorway, her eyes trained on the solitary chair in the center of the room. Shadows fell across the floor, creating a pattern of light and dark wherever she looked. A haze seemed to block her vision. There was an unfamiliar weight in her hand. When she glanced down, she was surprised to find that she held a large blade.

A vague sense of uneasiness flowed over her, and she glanced to the middle of the room once more, now seeing a form slumped in the chair that just moments before had stood empty.

Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am

With shaky legs, Carly walked slowly towards the unmoving figure, weaving her way through the shadows cautiously. Her feet felt as if they were wading through molasses. In the deep recesses of her mind, she knew she had to be dreaming.

She prayed she was.

She could make out the top of his dark head now.

His?

She knew it was a man; she was sure of it.

Her gaze dashed to the blood-stained floor. The red liquid was soaking into her shoes, and the walls began to close in around her. She couldn't breathe.

Fingers tightened on the handle of her knife, ignoring her silent screams to let go of the weapon. She could hear her cries as the figure stirred, slowly...painfully.

Dark eyes met hers and she let out a whimper.

You

Won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

Sonny.

His bruised face grimaced in pain, and she felt tears pool in her eyes. She wanted to help him. To hold him. Take away all his hurt.

But no amount of wishing or unspoken prayer was going to make that happen.

Sonny's eyes filled with anguish as he watched her raise the knife above her head, aimed straight at his chest. A trail of blood slid from the corner of his mouth as he struggled to speak.

His words, barely a whisper, hung between them.

"You only hurt the one you love."

She plunged the knife into him...

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Screams tore from her throat, waking her from the horror of the nightmare. Carly bolted upright, her shuddering body drenched, her thumping heart sounding loudly in her ears.

That had been a bad one.

Carly threaded unsteady hands through her damp hair. She inhaled deeply, forcing the beating of her heart to slow back to normal. Sweat-soaked pajamas clung to her skin as she swung trembling feet over the side of the bed. She paused for a moment, collecting her jumbled thoughts. Unclenching her hands, she rose, swaying slighting and grabbing hold of the wall.

The nightmares were getting worse.

She ignored the voice somewhere in her mind that reminded her that they weren't dreams...they were memories. She pushed away the thoughts, refusing to and knowing she wasn't ready to acknowledge that truth. Fumbling in the darkness, she made her way blindly to the bathroom, flipping on the light switch. She grimaced as brightness blocked out her vision momentarily.

Sonny's image floated in her mind's eye and she fought to remain upright. Eyeing the prescription bottle on the counter, she opened the faucet, splashing cool water on her flushed face. Shaky fingers grappled with the handles, and she leaned her forehead on the cold marble of the sink, shutting off the water.

She needed to feel safe. To feel that comfort that she craved after she woke up alone every night. She wanted the one thing she couldn't have.

Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray

Staring at her reflection, a sad smile crossed her lips as she took in her appearance. Touching her now blonde hair, she sighed and glanced to the door.

Maybe a walk would clear her head.

She re-entered the room she occupied and, reaching into the dresser, began to remove her damp clothes. Her mind wandered, thinking about the last few weeks. The doctors, Jason, and even her mother were proud of her "progress." If you could call it that. She was "adjusting," they kept telling her. Their mantra was: Everything would be fine.

Sure it would. She was barely sane by any standards and couldn't make it one night without waking up in cold sweats.

But everything would be fine.

All she wanted was what she had lost. Her family. Jason. Courtney. Mike. The boys.

Sonny.

Slipping on her shoes, she silently moved into the hallway. She studied the newly placed pictures on the wall as she moved towards the stairs. Jason's new girlfriend, Sam McCall, seemed to like to decorate. Some part of her was irritated. That was her job. But she knew her best friend was happy. At least he seemed that way. She paused to stare at a picture of Sonny holding Morgan with a proud Michael at his side, feeling an ache deep inside her.

Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

She wasn't going to begrudge anybody a happy ending.

God knew someone deserved one.

Stuffing her hands in her jean pockets, she started down the steps, but paused as hushed voices drifted up from the living room.

"Are you sure you shouldn't check on her, Jason?"

Sam sounded concerned, and Carly smiled slightly. Imagine one of Jason's women actually giving a rat's ass about her. She hadn't spoken to the girl yet. She felt reassured somehow that Jason's feelings were returned.

She contemplated returning to the guest room, but curiosity, or perhaps fear, won out, and she stood quietly, listening.

"She'll be fine, Sam. Carly's a survivor."

"That's what you keep saying, and you're probably right...you know her. I don't. But what if this time, she can't make it?"

"Carly is strong. She's making a recovery. If she needs anything from me, she'll demand it. Trust me."

Carly held back a sigh, knowing at one time that was true. Not anymore.

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated

"Last I remember you never finished medical school, Jason. You could be wrong. Honestly? I think you are."

Carly resisted the urge to clap for the girl. Good for her. Though a part of her resented that Sam seemed to think she knew more about her than Jason did, at the moment it was true.

"She's been having nightmares more and more," Sam continued. "I can hear her at night."

"That's part of her recovery."

"Jason, I have to resist the urge to go into her room and hug her until she stops crying…and I don't even know the woman. I can't imagine what you or Sonny is feeling."

Carly listened to the long silence that followed, fighting the instinct to take a peek into the room below. She heard a frustrated sigh and knew it came from Sam. She sympathized with her because God knew Jason could try anyone's patience when thought he knew best.

"I think you should tell Sonny about them. He'll know how to help her."

Carly froze at those words, and the ones that followed shot an arrow of pain into her soul.

I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken

"No. He's having a tough time right now just handling the fact that Carly is right across the hall."

There was another long silence and Carly thought they had moved into the kitchen without her realizing it. She began to step down.

"You think Sonny resents her, don't you?"

"I didn't say that."

"Your face did. That's not why he's having a hard time. He loves her, Jason."

"Yes, he does. And loving her almost killed him. She almost killed him."

Carly reeled as if hit. Jason's words wounded her like nothing else had in a long while.

"He doesn't blame her."

"No one does. It wasn't Carly, but the fact remains that she did...things to him...things that he won't talk about. Not now. Not ever. But no matter how much he avoids it, when looks at her...he has to remember that night."

Sam sighed. "That's why she's with us then? Because what? Sonny's afraid she'll hurt him again?"

"No! That's ridiculous."

"I know this is hard to hear, Jason, but Carly didn't get to that place alone."

"I know."

"Then why? Why can't she be where she belongs? She wants to be with Sonny. You can see it in her eyes. What's Sonny afraid of?"

I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Carly slid to the floor, back against the wall, hunching on her ankles as she held her arms around herself. Jason and Sam's voices drifted into the back of the apartment as they moved into the other room.

She needed to leave. Now.

Quietly, she snuck out to the foyer. She found her eyes drifting to the door across the way.

Home.

She knew Sonny was out of town... another attempt to avoid her... and the boys were at her mother's. There were no guards on duty.

She could go in for just a little while.

Without letting her mind think on it, she ran across the hall to the door, entering and slamming it behind her. Silence washed over her, eyes roaming over the room. It seemed exactly as she remembered. She fumbled for the light, clicking it on and feeling the coldness that filled the space around.

Kneeling in front of the fireplace, she worked on igniting a flame, carefully placing the kindling and wood on the grate. After a few tries, she had a small fire started, warming the empty room.

I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you

Carly glanced around her, breathing in the scent of Sonny and the boys. One of Sonny's suit jackets hung on the back of his desk chair, probably forgotten in his haste to get away from her. She touched it tentatively, the material grazing her fingertips and she took it off the chair, wrapping it around her cold shoulders. She worried her fingers over the fabric, inhaling its muskiness.

And I will always miss you

Her heart cried out for him.

She knew he was on a dangerous trip. No one had told her, but she'd been Sonny's wife long enough to know when the men were nervous.

The framed picture on top of his desk caught her eye and she cradled it, closing her eyes as she hugged it to her chest. "God, please bring me back to my family. To Sonny. Help me, please."

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave

Jason and Sam's words echoed through her mind. Even if she was ever able to live a normal existence, Sonny might not be able to accept her. Nothing in the way he treated her made her believe what she'd overheard was true. He was sweet to her. Gentle. Making jokes and telling her stories about his day. He'd made her dinner and taken her along with the boys to the park. It was those gestures that had helped relieve the pain from his decision to have her move into Jason's penthouse.

She had started to hope that Sonny was giving her space and time to heal.

Now...

Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

Sitting on the couch, she went over the previous weeks, realizing that in all the time they'd spent together, they were never alone. Carly's eyes widened as it dawned on her what had been missing from their moments together.

He hadn't touched her.

Not once.

I'm haunted
(by the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(by the promises I've made)

Grief hit her hard, the weight of it knocking her to the floor. The ache in her chest grew, and sobs that been held back for so long tore from within her. Her body curled into itself as she lay on the floor, her mind focusing on the only thought that mattered now.

Sonny couldn't be with her.

Nothing she did would change it.

I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echoes there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

Lyrics: Haunted by Poe