I own nothing... Darn it all.

(This is based on gameplay of Legend of Zelda; not all of it... I had to add my own little thing; so it is AU.)

Part One;

Link was running around doing what he did best. Swining his sword around and looking pretty for the people. Today he was in Labrynna. Visiting his friends; Nayru and Ralph and that one fat-ass nurse Impa. If all goes well... Maple won't try to rape him with her broom.

He ran into Lynna City. People were walking around. All happy and crap that he'd saved them once and they worshipped him by placing statues of him every where you turned.

What he didn't get was how he kicked all these evil peoples asses and they go missing for a loooooong time; he hasn't seen them since. But those damned Octorok appeared again everytime he left that square area; then came back. Gawd it was annoying. Moblins as well. But they at least stood on two feet. Even if they looked like christmas dinner he respected them... but only a little.

Link ran into the jewelers. Vasu was standing there doing that annoying walk like an egyptian thing.

"Vasu?"

"Would you like me to appraise a ring?"

"No."

"List your rings?"

"No."

"Quit?"

"Hell no!"

Vasu took a second to think. Then shrugged and continued to do that dance.

Link growled and left the jewelers.

He went outside and saw Ralph. That arragant, bastard like, red headed, sexy, man.

"Ralph?!"

He turned to him. His blue eyes narrowed and that retarded looking cap on his head made him look to stupid to be scary.

"How are you?"

"I'd be better if you went to hell."

"Only if you went with me."

Ralph growled and walked off in the direction of the exit of Lynna City; probably to go to Nayru's house.

"Oh yeah. He's got the hots for me," Link laughed to himself.

He walked to the mayors house. He looked in and saw the old man standing there like a sack of potatoes. Typical.

He ran off to Bipin and Blossom's house. He barged in rather then knock on the door. "Hey all!"

A young man (teenager) Link had named Link (after himself.) ran to him.

"Link! Mom! Link's here!"

Blossom, still looking impossibly young, walked over. "Link. Long time it has been."

"Don't I know it. Where is Bipin?"

"Taking care of business... Growing Gasha trees. In the house!" Her lip twitched.

Link backed up. "I... Haven't talked to Nayru yet... See you!" He ran out of the house.

Link walked into Nayru's house. "Nayru?"

He heard talking from the secret staircase. Upon investigation he looked in and saw Ralph and Nayru. Ralph had his hat in his fist rather then atop his big hair.

"Nayru... We have been friends forever. I'm sorry to tell you... My heart is with someone else."

"Even if you liked me Ralph. I wouldn't go out with you anyway."

"What?! Why not?!"

"Ralph... I am beautiful... Your ugly enough to be mistaken as a Moblin..."

"Say that again you bitch!"

They slapped each other a few times like in a cat fight. Then it stopped.

"Well... who is it you like Ralph?"

"Link..."

"What?! You whore! I like him!"

Another outburst of slaps. Then it subsided.

"Oh... Well... I'm sad because... Link might not even go that way..."

"I'm sad because me best guy friend wants to take my future boyfriend..."

"There is only one way to solve this!" Ralph exclaimed

"What? Tell Link?" Nayru asked.

"No... of course not! We rape him and see who he liked the best."

"um... No... how bout we ask Impa?"

"Fine..." Ralph huffed.

"Impa!!!!"

Impa slowly made her way up from the secret stairs. "What is it?"

"Who gets Link?"

"It depends if he likes guys or girls..." She went back down.

"It is so clear now!" Ralph jumped up.

Link smiled. Ralph did like him!