Title: Dean's Prayer
Spoilers: Season 8 up to episode 19
Warnings: Lots of angst
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters as they belong to Eric Kripke/CW; I'm just playing with them and becoming more and more obsessed.
Story notes: This has kicked around in my head since 8x19. Dean would pray to Cas and perhaps think that there was only one thing that he could say to his angel that would bring him home.
Dean's Prayer
Sam had no idea what to do. He could hear Dean stomping around in his room. He knew that his brother was hurting, and that what had happened in the crypt with Cas had left Dean shaken to his core. And now Cas was gone – again – and Dean was trying to be strong – again. His big brother didn't do feelings. He definitely didn't talk about them. Sam had tried to get him to open up; he'd seen the looks and touches between Dean and his angel. He'd witnessed that more 'profound bond'. Whatever Cas had done, this time he'd dinged him good and left, taking the Angel Tablet with him, leaving nothing but doubt in his wake. And if Sam knew one thing about his brother it was that he liked certainty.
'You want me to trust you, Cas? Alright, I trust you. She says I can't. She's putting things in my head Cas, just like she did in yours. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm tired of carrying all this. Sam is wiped out and bleeding. I let Benny down – the only person who never failed me, and I failed him. He's back there, back in Purgatory and it hurts, Cas that he went there because I asked him to. I couldn't get you out because you thought you deserved to be there and that you were protecting the world and me from what you'd become.' He touched his cheek and thought about how it must have looked all bloody and bruised. In a whisper he continued. 'Perhaps you were right but I'd rather be fighting with you than have you who knows where, doing who knows what. I need you. I need you to explain it all to me. I'm just a hunter, Cas. I'm not clever like Sam. It's what I do; I protect and I serve. I've been to Hell and you pulled me out. You left your mark on my skin. Every time I see it I think of you, of your hands on me. You chose me, Cas. Is this really it for us? Perhaps I should just give you that ultimatum but I don't want to. So what the hell are we to each other? Family?' He stopped pacing the room and fell onto his bed.
'Shit! Who and I trying to kid? I've cried more tears over you than anyone. You're in my head and I can't get you out. You're in my dreams. You were all that kept me going in Purgatory. Finding you! Rescuing you! But every good thing I've ever done seems to find a way to come back and bite me on the ass.'
Dean picked up the whisky bottle and swigged back another mouthful; it set his throat on fire. 'So what am I supposed to do? Tell me, Cas. Do I sit here and wait? Or am I expected to give up and forget how you look at me. How I feel when you reach out to me. Feelings! Bloody feelings! Well, you totally aggravating angel I'm not prepared to give up on you yet, or on us. Whatever it is you're doing Cas, I'll be right here waiting for you and keeping my baby brother out of trouble as best I can. I'm done pretending, Cas. Do you hear? I'm done pretending not to care about you. You can walk away. You can think you're doing what's right but I know what's right and that's you and me and Sam, here, together. I forgive you, Cas. I know it was her not you. I won't let you do this by yourself, just as you wouldn't let me. So no matter what it takes I'm going to find a way. You take your own sweet time 'cos you're not pushing me away this time. D'you hear, Cas? I've done everything you asked but I won't give up on this, on us. I prayed to you; I'm praying now. It may not sound like it but hear these words, Castiel. Hear them because I mean them and I want you to know just in case you're thinking of doing anything stupid. Every time I fall I'll get up again and I'm not going to let go of you just because you're a jerk, because…' He stopped and took a breath and another mouthful of courage. 'Because I love you. Do you hear that, you stupid angel? I love you and I know that you love me too. So flap your feathery wings and get back here. Talk to me, Cas. Come home. We need you. I need you! I love you!' The words were like a whisper on the breeze and now he couldn't take them back even if he wanted to.
Sam sat up in his bed and wiped back his tears. He knew what it had taken for Dean to admit how he felt. He would never ask him about it even though they'd both know. He'd always known how his brother felt and he didn't care. He looked at the ceiling. 'Come home, Cas. I need him to be strong and he's stronger when he has you. You complete him. Please, Castiel, hear my prayer. Find a way to come back to us, to him.'
Somewhere an angel wiped a tear from his eye. 'I hear you, Sam; and Dean, I'm doing this for you.' He laughed a little. 'Balthazar always said that I was in love with you. I never expected to hear those words. From the moment that I saw you in Hell and raised you from perdition it's always been you, Dean. I love you too and I will be back. I will come for you and together we'll take on whatever they throw at us. You're right we are stronger together.