Fragments
by Kat
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
Snow fell gently from the night sky, sprinkling the glass with water. Everywhere he looked the world below shimmered giving the grounds, that normally seemed almost harsh in its bareness, a touch of magic. He snorted at the thought and watched the snow float past the window as he shifted his weight to his good leg, remembering how much she always loved this time of year.
It made the world seem new she'd once told him.
Inhaling deeply, he rubbed his neck to relieve some of the pressure that had been building there since he'd gotten Jason's call.
"She's asking for you."
The last time she'd seen him - hadn't been good for her.
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
"Sir?"
Sonny jumped slightly, turning to direct his gaze at the nurse who stood stiffly by the entrance of the waiting room. Nervously, she wrung her hands together, averting her eyes from his face as most people did these days.
"You should be able to see her in a few minutes, sir. Can I get you anything?" He watched her move behind the desk, needing to find control of the situation. Not wanting to let his presence disturb her.
He smiled weakly, knowing he could do nothing to ease her discomfort except stay as invisible as he could. "No I'm fine."
"Good. Well, when we...um...know she's ready one of our staff will take you to her."
"Thank you." He angled his position so he could face the window, giving her his back. It would be easier if she didn't have to look at him. He stared at the image of the door mirrored in the window, waiting for whoever it was that was going to take him to see her.
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
His gaze studied the reflection he made in the glass. The scar that ran down his face, from temple to chin seemed to radiate under the harsh lighting of the room. He rarely left his house and almost never looked at himself in a mirror so seeing his reflection was...startling.
He caught sight of a figure fill the doorway and turned to greet the orderly.
"You can see her now, sir."
He nodded, walking, without a second glance at the desk, to the door and followed the young man. Their shoes sunk quietly into the soft white carpet that covered the floor, the muffled tap of his cane the only sound either of them made. The orderly kept pace with him, slowing down his strides so as not to leave him behind. He was escorted down one pale blue passage after another, his heart beating faster and faster the closer they got.
He glanced at the walls. She had to hate it here. No color.
They stopped abruptly and he was directed to a white door five feet to his left. He could just make out the small lettering that labeled the door.
Caroline Corinthos.
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
The orderly addressed him, looking into his eyes. "She's just been given her meds so she'll be asleep. That was what you wanted, right?"
"Yes. I just...I need to see her...first..."
The orderly placed his hand on Sonny's shoulder and squeezed gently. "I understand. She wanted to be alert for your visit tomorrow so she asked for a heavy dosage. She won't wake up." Not waiting for a response the young man turned and disappeared around a corner.
Leaving him alone.
He stared at the door.
He was scared to see her.
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Shaking his head, he rubbed at his face roughly. He was here for her. Because she'd asked for him. His mind flashed back to the last time he'd come to see her. The only time.
He'd insisted on seeing her. Wanting to help ease her pain. Ease her guilt for thinking she'd ended his life. The doctors had told him it might not be a good idea but he'd yelled at them. He was imposing even from his wheelchair and they'd relented. They hadn't known his connection with her. They couldn't understand how much love had seen them through.
And so to appease him, mostly to test her reaction they'd allowed it.
They'd been right.
He could still hear her screams in his mind. She'd believed she was seeing his specter, his ghost come back to haunt her. Throwing whatever she could find to keep him away, she'd accused the doctors and Jason of tricking her. That Sonny was dead and they didn't want her to know. She'd screamed and cried, yelling at him to stay away. That he wasn't her Sonny. That he looked nothing like him.
And he hadn't. Not then.
She'd muttered incesstantly repeating that he was dead. That she was the one who'd killed him. No amount of reassurance had convinced her that neither statement was true.
He'd watched helplessly as she'd fallen onto the floor, sobbing and calling his name. Rocking back on her heels and closing her eyes so not to see him.
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
That had been the last time he'd tried to see her.
Until today--
Jason had hammered at him for hours until he'd given in and agreed to it. He told him that Carly was doing well and had been asking for him. They'd been putting her off for months and she was becoming frustrated. She'd even threatened to leave if they didn't allow her to see Sonny.
He smiled faintly, thinking that sounded very much like her.
He stood in front of her door, half-afraid of what he might see and the other half afraid of what he might not see. He pushed gently making as little noise as possible. He didn't want her to wake up.
There was one lamp lit throwing the room into shadows. He took in the shades of red and gold and almost laughed. He knew she'd never be able to live in a place that looked like that hallway
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
He looked around, seeing pictures of their kids on the walls and desk. A throw blanket over her small sofa. Fashion magazines on the nightstand and table.
This was Carly. It gave him hope that she could get a semblance of herself and her life back. Hope that he hadn't destroyed her completely.
His gaze fell to the bed and stayed, unmoving, his breath catching slightly. She was more beautiful than he remembered her. She was facing him and he took a moment to lose himself in her beauty. In the peace that dreamless sleep afforded her.
God only knew what her mind did to her at night. He'd read some of the progress reports the doctors had given Jason and knew she'd had it hard for the first couple of months. The nightmares that plagued her were what worried them the most. It was about that night. About what had happened after she'd left him for dead and gone off to the lake house.
No one but Carly knew what went down there.
Moving quietly, he sat on the floor next to her, turning to face her. His knee protested and as usual he ignored the pain. He wanted to look at her.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
"Hi you."
She stirred at his voice and he stiffened. He sat silently, frozen, waiting until the only sound in the room was their breathing.
He knew he had very little time and he needed to tell her so much.
"I guess I should just get straight to it, huh?" He reached over gently pushing her dark hair back from her face. "I know this can never make up for it but I want to tell you how sorry I am."
He took a deep breath.
"You need to know that I always loved you. More than anything else in this wretched life of mine, I loved you."
His fingers played with the blanket near her hand. He could feel her warmth touch his skin.
"I wanted us to be happy. And for a while, we were. More than I could imagine. Then...I lost faith...in you...in me...in us."
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
One tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away angrily.
"That will always be my greatest shame, Caroline. Not believing in you. In us. You deserved better than that."
He willed his hand away, folding them on his lap and bringing his eyes to her face he let it soothe him. Just for a moment.
"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you were to me? Probably not." He laughed bitterly. "It wasn't just about how absolutely gorgeous you are, cause you know that."
He scooted over to sit as close as the bed frame allowed him, resting his head beside hers as he spoke in a whisper.
"You were everything I ever wanted. Everything. I couldn't imagine what I had done in all my life to have deserved you. I still don't."
You are someone else
I am still right here
He touched her hair with reverence, threaded his fingers in its softness, a vice clamping his heart.
He missed her so much.
"But you chose me. You gave me your heart, your soul. You gave me the honor of being a father. Showed me what I though never existed. Love."
He pulled his hand away.
"And I threw it all away. I drove you to his place."
Raising his head, he shook slightly, touching his forehead.
"For as long as I breath I'll never forgive myself for that."
What have I become
My ssweetest friend
Sighing, he straightened away from the bed.
"I wish things...I don't even know what I wish. That you had met someone else? Someone who could have made you happy. That I'd never loved you so much that I ended up destroying you. That we'd never met."
He touched her face with trembling fingers.
"No...I'm too selfish for that. You...Carly, you were and still are a gift."
Bending his head, he closed his eyes and sighed.
"I know I'm rambling but these are things I can never tell you when you're awake. I don't want you to pity or forgive me. I don't deserve you to feel for me. At all. But I needed to say my good-bye. To the possibility of you and our life."
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
He stood up and hovered over her still figure.
"Don't worry that your alone. I'll be here for you, baby. I swear through ever step and as long as you allow me, I'll be here. They tell me your ready to see me again. I'll give whatever I have left. For once I'll be your strength."
He leaned down, brushing his hand over her cheek.
"I promise to help you get back your life. And then I promise to disappear from it completely."
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
He stepped away and drank in her face.
"I promise to let you go."
Turning at the door, he glanced at her once more.
"I love you Caroline. Always."
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
The soft click of the door echoed in the silence that was left and the glow from the lamp fell across her face making the tears that fell from her closed eyes glisten...
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Lyrics: Hurt covered by Johnny Cash (original by Nine Inch Nails)