CinemaSins: Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time XIII, a Land Before Time + Web Shows Crossover fanfic

Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends

in Practically 65 Million Years

Spoilers!

(duh)

The opening title "The Land Before Time" leaves out the roman numeral this time, so that we the audience won't know how unlucky we are right away. (ding)

Narrator: Our world has existed for billions of years.

Skip! (ding)

That many raptors. (ding)

(the scene fades to black)

Wait, so that's it? Alright then.

(it fades back)

Ah, f*ck! (ding)

When was there ever a canyon in the Great Valley? There have been twelve movies before this, and we've been pretty much everywhere in the valley. S*it, we always get a full view of the place with every movie. I've never heard of no canyons around. (ding)

(Littlefoot is on a log across the canyon)

Grandma: Littlefoot, come down from there. That's quite a drop.

Exactly the reason he WOULDN'T want to come down from there. (ding)

Earthquake in a Land Before Time movie cliche. (ding)

(Grandma falls but is seen two shots later holding on to the side of the canyon)

What? What is there for her to hold on to? And what broke her fall anyway? (ding)

Ah, Littlefoot's dream confirms to us that there was nothing for Grandma to land on or hold on to. (ding)

Grandma: That's why we learn the wisdoms.

Littlefoot: What were they again?

Grandma: Like this one: Stay in a group.

He kind of knows that one. He made his friends stay in a group throughout all the other movies. (ding)

Petrie: Me think flying should be fair.

Cera: Yeah, I guess you do! Ha, ha, ha!

Cera is still a brat. (ding)

(Cera jumps with her eyes closed and opens them to realize that she's jumped too far)

Cera: Uh oh.

Cera stayed in the air for that long. (ding)

(Cera begins floating down river)

Good thing Littlefoot isn't there...

(Littlefoot just appears on the scene)

Littlefoot: Cera!

...Oh wait, yeah he is. (ding)

(Littlefoot grabs Cera by the tail and starts pulling her out)

Cera: Ow! Let go!

(Littlefoot lets go, and of course Cera starts floating down stream)

sigh Cera, you're hopeless. (ding)

Littlefoot: I think pretending to be in trouble is against the wisdoms.

Come on, Littlefoot. It's not like their in a serious situation. (ding)

Also, why even talk about something that way when they don't know what the "wisdoms" are? (ding)

Ducky: What are wisdoms?

Littlefoot: They help you be safe. Like, stay in a group, or work together.

This movie is just going to be all about Littlefoot and his friends learning stuff that they've mastered already, isn't it? (ding)

Petrie: My mom tell me to do those things because she say so.

(music starts playing)

Really, you think that's enough of a subject and conversation to result in a musical number? (ding)

Cera: Why?

Petrie: Because she say so

Ducky and Petrie: Say so/say, say so/ say so/ say, say so

Man, aren't the lyrics to this song just dandy? (ding)

Cera: Why? 'Cause Littlefoot say so.

(they all laugh at him)

When did the Gang of Five start taunting each other like Egyptians? (ding)

Cera: Littlefoot, what's the matter? Can't you take a joke?

He can. You just have to actually make one. (ding)

Cera: Gotta plan ahead

Petrie: Gotta work together

Ducky: Ow! Do not sit on a prickly thorn

This song has given up. It's not even rhyming anymore. (ding)

Cera: There's something in there! Something strange!

(Loofah comes out)

Loofah: Well, hello.

(Littlefoot and his friends stare)

Why aren't you guys still scared? (ding)

The script says that these guys are beipiaosaurus. They look absolutely nothing like that species, and nobody knows more dinosaurs than me. They should just admit that they made a new dinosaur. And take it from Chris Pratt, probably not a good idea. (ding)

Doofah: I'm Doofah.

Loofah: I'm Loofah.

Littlefoot: Loofah? Doofah?

Go easy on them, Littlefoot. Their mother was stoned at the time they hatched. (ding)

Loofah: Must have been...right before you guys showed up.

They dragged poor Cuba Gooding, Jr. into this, didn't they? (ding)

(Doofah starts choking on flowers)

None of the yellow bellies are dying in this scene. (ding)

We find out later that Foobie is the "wise one". Spitting out berry juice at Loofah, reminding him of the name Berry Valley, makes him the "wise one"? (ding)

Dino Heimlich. (ding)

Loofah: (randomly) Berry Valley has lots of berries.

Hence...the name. (ding)

Stupid characters point in all different directions cliche. (ding)

Also, so much for Foobie being the "wise one" when he can't decide which way to go. And that Loofah and Doofah don't think to follow his direction. (ding)

Also, I'm just going to add a sin for the fact that I have to say these names out loud. (ding)

(Littlefoot has a dream that Loofah and Doofah fall to their deaths)

This is only a dream. (ding)

(Littlefoot wakes up)

Littlefoot: That does it. We've got to help them.

It took a dream this time to convince you to go. You always seem to decide this stuff right away. (ding)

Cera: Who cares if those three go wandering around in the Mysterious Beyond?

Ducky: I do. Yep, yep, yep.

Littlefoot: Me too.

Well then, you two have just become dumber than Cera. Think about that. (ding)

Cera: You and your sleep stories. You've got to learn to relax.

Petrie: Me think you got to stop eating treestars right before sleepy time.

Eocladus xiaoi is an extinct species of seaweed. See, I can make no sense too. (ding)

Also, yeah, this is the way Petrie talks, right? (ding)

Loofah: There it is. The Mysterious Beyond.

Why do you guys call it that?! You've only been in the Great Valley for less than a day! (ding)

Doofah: It looks so mysterious.

But why? (ding)

(the gang, along with the yellow bellies, slide down a hill on a flat rock)

None of the yellow bellies are dying in this scene. (ding)

Also, nobody falls off of this thing, and I'm okay with that. And I am not okay with that. (ding)

Uh, no, that thing is not balancing on the tip of that ledge. (ding)

(Loofah walks off the rock, but only a short distance)

(everyone looks for him on the other side)

Nobody sees or hears where Loofah was yelling. (ding)

Also, raise your hand if you thought Loofah had really walked off the cliff. Now put your hand down if you're under the age of four. (ding)

ALSO, no yellow bellies are dying in this scene. (ding)

Movie rips off trying to find a rock formation that looks like the main species from The Land Before Time. (ding)

How does that rock formation even resemble a yellow belly at all? (ding)

(Ducky compares Loofah to the "rock that looks like a yellow belly")

Ducky: Hey, they look like brothers.

Why? Just because they're both stoned? (ding)

Littlefoot: Keep your eyes and ears open.

Aw, do we have to? I like to keep my ears shut. (ding)

Littlefoot: No, that's the first wisdom.

Loofah: What is?

(Foobie scratches his head)

Yeah, wise one my ass. (ding)

Littlefoot: I'm sure we can get them there and still make it home before dark.

Petrie: You promise?

Littlefoot: Okay.

Unkeepable promises. (ding)

(Cera glares at Ducky and Petrie)

Petrie: Me no laugh. It her.

(Ducky frowns at Petrie)

What's your problem, Ducky? He was only telling the truth. (ding)

Loofah: Just relax. There's nothing out here to be so worried about. We're completely...ALONE! (it echoes)

Loofah just offhandedly shouts that they're alone so that the baryonyxes can hear them. We got to get sharpteeth in every movie one way or another. (ding)

Also, sigh (ding)

Cera: All they have to do is walk to that big, funny-looking rock. Surely they can do that.

(Loofah sits down)

Loofah: I'm...thirsty.

Cera: Okay, maybe I spoke too soon.

They're thirsty, so they're unable to walk the rest of the short distance. (ding)

Ducky: I am thirsty too.

Petrie: No tell Cera. She yell at you.

Well, yeah, just assume that Cera would yell at you for anything. Seriously, what f*cking sense does that make? (ding)

(Doofah points to a baryonyx)

Doofah: You know when it's really hot, and you look out, and you see something, and it looks so real, but it's not really there?

Loofah: Oh yeah, I see it too.

Then that should be enough information to tell you that it is real. What even led you to believe that it was only a mirage? (ding)

(the baryonyxes start chasing them)

Doofah: Woah! I think they're real!

What was your first clue?! (ding)

No yellow bellies are dying in this scene. (ding)

(in one shot, a baryonyx's head as bigger than Foobie)

Godzilla baryonyx. (ding)

(the gang starts dropping rocks on the baryonyxes)

Are we seriously going to use rocks yet again to defeat the sharpteeth? Look, I know there are only so many natural objects that can be used as weapons, but I'm sure there are enough to add some variety. Hell, take some fighting tips from the Ewoks. (ding)

(the rest of the yellow belly herd have their heads in the ground)

Doofah: Hey, hi guys.

Cera: She talks to bushes?

Raise your hand if you thought for a second that those were really bushes. Now put your hand down if you were born yesterday. (ding)

(the rest of the yellow bellies pop their heads out of the ground)

Huzzah! More of them. Just what we all wanted. (ding)

Petrie: Well, we found herd. Time to go. Back home before dark. That deal.

Littlefoot: Yeah, but...maybe not now.

Yeah, the movie has only gone on for 37 minutes. We got to pad it out to 70 at least. (ding)

Ducky: We came to show the yellow bellies how to obey the wisdoms, and now we are breaking one?

Wait, what wisdom? What page are we on? I am confuse. (ding)

Cera: What?

Random yellow belly: Woo! That's quite a horn you got there.

I guess I can say that you're horny. (ding)

The baryonyxes hear the yellow bellies from just over the hill, but the entire night goes by without them showing up, and by extension not eating the damn things. (ding)

Cera: There's one more wisdom you should know: DON'T EVER WAKE ME UP AGAIN!

Even if it's for something important like you just did. (ding)

Pointless zoom-in on the moon. (ding)

Grandma: Now I'm worried.

Yes! We don't need this scene to put that together. (ding)

Littlefoot: You're with me?

Petrie: Besides, me no want to be the one who explains to grown ups why you no come back with us.

Who said you would have had to? (ding)

Ducky: It would not be pretty. No, no, no.

There wouldn't be anything all that ugly about it either. (ding)

Littlefoot: Listen up!

(the yellow bellies continue to yammer)

Cera: QUIET!

(the stop)

A big group's yammering doesn't stop until another characters shouts "Quiet!" cliche. (ding)

Littlefoot: How are they going to hear me with their heads buried in the sand?

(Foobie buries his head in the ground and lets out a call to the others)

(they all pop out)

Well, surely if they could have heard Littlefoot if they could hear Foobie with his head underground. (ding)

(the kids' parents follow their footprints)

Once again, footprints are only present when this series needs them. (ding)

Loofah: Makes sense to me.

Littlefoot: (teeth clenched together) Is that good or bad?

Cera: Do you have to ask?

Isn't it just great when you get a new installment in a series that's been with you for a long time with characters that you know and love? Well, those characters are not in this movie. (ding)

Littlefoot: We're bound to hit water soon.

(Loofah falls off the edge of a small cliff)

Gee, I wonder if there's water below.

(sure enough, there is)

I must be psychic. (ding)

Movie rips off the finding food and assuming that it's the destination, but realizing it isn't when all the food is eaten scene from The Land Before Time. (ding)

Littlefoot: How do you know who to listen to?/How do you know what to think?

Littlefoot is concerned that he's starting to think like a yellow belly, so why is he even wondering this if he knows that they're nothing but idiots? (ding)

Cera: Keep your eyes and ears open wide (wiggles her ears with the line)

Oh, wow. They have ears. Is it wrong to say I just noticed? (ding)

Ducky: If you trust your eyes

Petrie: Trust your tummy

Littlefoot: Trust yourself/That's how you know

So the message of the movie is to trust your instincts. I predicted correctly. This movie is all about Littlefoot and his friends discovering things they've already learned. (ding)

(a lightning storm starts)

Littlefoot: We better get to higher ground.

Why? Is Littlefoot just assuming that there's going to be a flood? S*it, getting the yellow bellies to higher ground will increase risk of getting struck by lightning. Well, in that case, never mind. Yes, get to higher ground! (ding)

No yellow bellies get struck by lightning. (ding)

Doofah wanders the opposite way as every one else for no reason so that every one can later go and save her. This movie has more filling than a Twinkie. (ding)

(the yellow bellies pile up on Ducky and Petrie)

(one of them farts)

(ding)

Funny, I've watched this movie and the original at the same time on different screens, and this part with the sun breaking through the clouds happens at the same point in the movie as when the sun breaks through the clouds and shines on the Great Valley in the original. I'm sinning this movie for thinking it's the original. (ding)

Littlefoot: You've got to jump!

(Doofah just starts prancing on one foot)

You're about to die! I'm sure you care more than me! (ding)

(Doofah jumps, flapping her arms like a bird)

And this is me giving you the bird. (ding)

Doofah: I get it now. Stay in a group. Like they're doing.

(points to the baryonyxes approaching)

(everyone panics and runs)

What's Doofah so afraid of now? She wasn't concerned about the sharpteeth approaching just two seconds ago. (ding)

No yellow bellies are dying in this scene. (ding)

(the mahogany baryonyx has Littlefoot cornered and is ready to attack)

(it roars)

Then do it already! (ding)

Littlefoot: The ground's too hard to act like a bush.

Why is Littlefoot even considering that strategy. The sharpteeth are looking directly at them. If the yellow bellies put their heads in the ground, their asses would still be gone. What would Littlefoot and his friends do in that scenario anyway? (ding)

(Foobie yelps at the sharpteeth, and they start cowering away)

Pussy sharpteeth. It's not even loud at all. (ding)

Littlefoot: I got it! Stop worrying about tomorrow, come on and dance!

Then how about you don't, and start thinking about right f*cking now!

(everyone starts jumping)

No, they're not gonna... (ding)

(the baryonyxes cower until they fall off the edge of the cliff)

The sharpteeth have just lost to singing and dancing. This is what our beloved franchise has been reduced to. Congrats, movie. You just earned yourself every sin committed by your predecessors. (with a sonic boom, 27,771 is added)

Doofah: (referring to Foobie) That's why they call him the wise one.

Littlefoot: He's the wise one?

What a twist! Too bad it makes not one lick of sense. (ding)

Cera: I can't believe it. A longneck just learned something.

Where's Cera been the entire series? (ding)

It only took the adults 13 movies to realize that they can try looking OUTSIDE the Great Valley for their kids. (ding)

Grandma: Where have you children been?

Littlefoot: It's a long story.

Not really. If you just remove the filler, it'd only be about 20 minutes. (ding)

Narrator: They knew that more wisdom lay before them as they grew...in The Land Before Time.

The narrator finally saying the name of the series tells us that this is indeed the last one. Way to go out on a high note. (ding)

(the credit "Directed by Jamie Mitchell", who had no involvement with previous installments)

So YOU'RE the one who destroyed this series! Well, f*ck you too, then. (ding)

Movie Sin Tally: 27,872

Bonus Round

SCREAMS

Movie Sin Tally: 27,901

Bonus Round #2

3, 2, 1...

CGI!

+10

+20

+50

+10

+20

+50

+10

+20

+50

+10

+20

+50

x10

ON FIRE!

+10

+20

+50

x20

UNSTOPPABLE!

+10

+20

+50

x50

GODLIKE

Movie Sin Tally: 222,919,851

Bonus Round #3

ALL THE UNRELENTING DOUCHEBAGGERY OF THE YELLOW BELLIES

+16

+32

+64

+128

+256

+512

+1024

+2048

+4096

+8192

+16384

+32768

+65536

+131072

+262144

+524288

+1048576

+2097152

+4194304

+8388608

+16777216

+33554432

+67108864

+134217728

+268435456

+536870912

+1073741824

+2147483648

+4294967296

+8589934592

+17179869184

+34359738368

+68719476736

+137438953472

+274877906944

+549755813888

+1099511627776

+2199023255552

+4398046511104

+8796093022208

Movie Sin Tally: 17,592,408,964,266

Sentence: WIPED OUT FROM EXISTENCE

Littlefoot: That's a relief.

I guess I should have made this disclaimer before, but I have no affiliation with CinemaSins, and own nothing.

P.S. This movie may have been terrible, but I'm not letting it ruin my childhood. This franchise will always be a part of me, and it holds many moments that I cherished as a kid, which will forever live in my memory. And I can't wait to be able to pass on those moments to my children. Long live The Land Before Time!