Generous Offer: If you do not have the energy to experience the superb
quality of my entire masterpiece and can only be bothered to read the song,
go to Chapter 2.
Disclaimer: I have to write this for any lawyers who maybe be reading. Yes, J. K. Rowling owns all of the 'Harry Potter' characters in this 'story'. That is why she is rich and I am sitting here.writing pathetic, worthless pieces of faeces on fanfiction, desperately hoping that some sick twisted person will review! Ahem. Anyway.
WARNING: This is a completely straight story! Do not percept any impure thoughts, for I have made no implications of anything whatsoever!
Author's note: I have nothing against any of the characters! In fact, I love them all (except for the cheerleaders). This 'story' was simply the product of my extreme boredom, lack of will to study for my exams and an overdose of caffeine. I hope you thoroughly enjoy this marvellous, priceless addition to human literature.
************************************************************************* The entire population of Hogwarts have been taken to Los Angeles to attend a special episode of Oprah. ************************************************************************* "Hello everyone!" Oprah beams. The crowd goes wild with cheers. "Today we have a VERY EXCITNG program for you!" she smiles. "This is the event that the entire world has been counting down for" The crowd goes hysterical with screams. "My, freaky wizard friends, this is the day that Harry Potter and Lord Voldermort *There is a loud gasp from the crowd as 'You-know-who' is mentioned* come face-to-face and spill it once and for all!" The crowd start stomping their feet and then there is a Mexican wave. "So, brace yourselves as I welcome on to the stadium- the guy with the line on his head-I mean- HARRY POTTER!!!" The crowd goes totally spastic. There is line of girls in the front row. They turn around so that Harry can see the letters on their backs. They are arranged to say 'GO HARRY BABY". The Harry cheer squad equipped with pom-poms and frilly scarlet skirts, run out onto the stadium. "Alright! Let's give it up for Harry!" The head cheerleader chirps. They start cheering 'Give me a G' 'Give me an A' 'Give me a Y' 'Give me a L' 'Give me an O' 'Give me a R' 'Give me a D' 'What does it spell?'
"GAYLORD!!!" the crowd booms.
One of the cheerleaders puts her finger on her chin. "Hang on, that's not right!" she squeals.
"Well that's too bad!" Oprah says hurriedly, shoving the Harry cheer squad back into the entrance. "We're gonna run out of time!"
Harry walks to the middle of the stadium, where Oprah is standing. He is wearing a tight black singlet, which says 'HARRY IN DA HOUSE'. His pants are silver, several sizes too large and have a chain dangling out of one of the pockets. He has enormous white sneakers but they're not really visible because of the even more enormous pants. To top it all off, he is wearing a black beanie on his head that says 'I like to shake my booty'
"So, Harry! This is a big night for you! How do you feel?" Oprah smiles, slowly edging away from Harry.
"Let's see!" Harry says in a sarcastically giddy tone. "I'm dressed like an asshole. The entire world now thinks I'm gay. I have to sit down and 'talk' to the bastard who killed my parents and to put the icing on the cake, these bloody contact lenses are making my eye sting like hell!" He yells into the microphone. "HOW THE BLODDY HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Well.I can see that Harry's ready to go!" Oprah beams.
Harry snatches the microphone from Oprah. "By the way, I'm only doing this because they're paying me!"
Oprah snatches the microphone back. "Back off, buster!" she whispers to Harry with threatening eyes. "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!" *the crowd breaks out into whispers* "Ladies and gentlemen, I present.WOLDIMORT!"
A sixteen-year-old version of the Dark Lord appears out of the entrance. "Babe, the name is VOLDERMORT!" he corrects. He casually strolls over to the middle of the stadium. He is wearing tight black leather pants, a tight black leather jacket that says 'I'm a chick magnet' and a fiery-red bandana that is printed with flying skulls.
"Okay everyone! Let's welcome the Voldy cheer squad!" Oprah yells into the microphone.
A group of dementors, all dressed in black mini-skirts and tank tops run out of the entrance, screaming and jumping. They take out their pom-poms and start cheering.
"James, James in the bin, Harry, Harry further in, Lily, Lily on the top And here comes Voldy Squash the lot! V O L D Y Gooooooooo Voldy!!!"
"All righty then. now that that's done, it's time to start." Oprah gestures for Harry and The Dark Lord to stand before one another. "Okay, I have to ask the audience to shut the fu- I mean quieten down."
"Now, Harry, we'll start with you" Oprah says walking cautiously towards Harry. Her eyes are fixed on Harry's rather dangerous looking chain. "I want you to take a deep breath and get in touch with your inner spirituality". Harry raises an eyebrow and frowns. "Okay.I want you to tell Voldi- whatever his name is, how you're feeling right now," Oprah continues.
"Okay" Harry says, smiling. He grabs You-know-who's throat and strangles him violently. "This is how I FEEL, you son of a bitch!!!!!!"
The Dark Lord yawns and punches Harry in the face. "Ooops! Did I just break your nose?" He mocks.
Harry lies on the grass, holding his injured nose. He looks up at the crowd and sees Draco, who is laughing madly, and whacking Crabbe and Goyle on their backs.
Oprah massages her temples. "This isn't going too well". She rubs her chin. "I have to give them more spiritual crap," She says under her breath.
"Gentlemen" Oprah chimes in a soothing voice. She gestures to Harry to come towards her. Then she calls Voldermort (A/N: I can't be bothered saying You- know-who.wait, I just did), who is flirting with Cho Chang.
"I think it is obvious that 'talking' will not resolve your inner burdens"
"Why am I here again?" Voldermort asks Oprah with a confused look on his face.
"Because you want to let go of your troubled past and move on to a bright and prosperous future"
Voldermort raises his eyebrow.
"You wanted to check out the chicks" Oprah replied, frustrated.
"Ohhh" Voldermort says thoughtfully, as if someone had just told him all the secrets of the universe.
"Now, it has been proven that the most effective and non-violent way to reveal your feelings is by the art of song"
"I AM NOT SINGING TO HIM!" Harry yells in outrage.
"But Harry, it's for your own good" Oprah says as if she really cared.
"I DON'T SING!!!!!" Harry roars.
"Yes you do!" Ron booms from the front row.
Harry looks at Ron, shaking his head.
Oprah takes the microphone to Ron.
Harry slaps his forehead.
"He sings that dilemma song when he's sleeping" Ron continues. "I would know, I'm his room-mate"
"Is that so?" Oprah grins, glancing at Harry, who is making violent gestures at the sky.
"He also makes some really weird.breathing noises, when he's asleep!"
"I don't think we need to know what that's all about" Oprah says, walking back to Harry and Voldermort.
"So, Vo-whatever, do you know dilemma?" Oprah questions Vondermort, who is whiping lipstick off his cheek.
"DUH!!" he replies. "I produced it!"
"Great! We're finally getting somewhere!" Oprah says, giddy with excitement. "I want the two of you to sing 'dilemma' using your own words.
Harry glares at Oprah. He thinks of how many ways he can kill her after the show is over.
"Now, Voltercourt, you'll have Nelly's part. I want you to talk about what happened in the past and how you feel now." The excited host squeals, clapping her hands. She turns to face Harry. "You can have Kelly's part. I want you to say how you feel, and please, no disturbing language!"
"You have 10 seconds to decide what you are going to sing."
The crowd do a countdown.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
The music starts.
Harry:
I hate you And I'll kill you Voldy, I hate you I will Kill you
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Voldermort:
Uh-uh-uh-uh I met this chick and she just moved right up the block from me. Her name was Lily, the finest thing I've ever seen. But oh no no She got a man And a son oh-oh But that's okay, coz I Wait till its dark, sneak into position Just like an evil lord, blast the door open And in no time I blew up James's behind That's for sure, coz I've always been the type to break a happy home But something about baby girl, I couldn't leave alone I said, "Can I also kill that brat, Harry?" She said "Bastard! First you'll have to kill me!"
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Voldermort:
Now she was pissing me off, I didn't say a word Gave her a blast of my wand, went flying like a bird The brat was sucking his thumb, Voldy go for it! Threw up on my feet, that bloody piece of shit! *Looks at Harry* I hate your look, your style and your crappy hair, You think you're lookin' so hot but Cho don't seem to care. Now I'm going out with her and I got special plans to hurt ya, don't you forget it! Now, it ain't easy for you to always save the day, So just piss of and get the hell out of my way! I wish you'd drop already! Coz asshole, you'll never defeat me!
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Voldermort:
*Voldermort winks and points at Harry* Sing it for me H!
Harry:
I hate you And I'll kill you Voldy I hate you, I do And it's more that you'll ever know Boy, it's for sure You'll always be a prick Forever more!
Voldermort:
East coast I know you're shaking wrong. Down south I know you're bouncing wrong. West coast I know you're walking wrong. (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me) Midwest I see you swinging wrong.
East coast I see you jump along Down south I know you prance along West coast I see you crawl along (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me) Midwest I see you sniff along
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Harry/Voldermort: yeah yeah
Voldermort:
East coast I know you're shaking wrong. Down south I know you're bouncing wrong. West coast I know you're walking wrong. (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me) Midwest I see you swinging wrong.
East coast I see you jump along Down south I know you prance along West coast I see you crawl along (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me)
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
*Music slowly fades*
"That was. that was...beautiful!" Oprah sniffs, wiping the tears from her eyes.
The crowd is ecstatic. People are now trying to break down the fence around the stadium.
Harry and Voldermort are glaring at each other.
"You found my mother attractive?" Harry says in a shaky voice.
"Oh yeah!" Voldermort shouts, with a sly grin.
Harry's harsh expression softens. He outstretches his arms and runs to Voldermort. "FATHER!" He yells as he embraces him.
"Um.Harry, you're not my son" Voldermort replies, trying to push away the rather emotional boy.
"You're near enough!" Harry smiles.
After about five seconds something strikes Harry. "Wait a minute, did you say you were dating Cho?"
Voldermort laughs. "DUH!!"
Harry lets go of his 'father of ten seconds'. "Why you son of a-"
Harry knocks Voldermort to the ground and violently attacks him with a nearby rock, several times on the head.
The crowd has broken down the barrier and a stampede of hyperactive adolescents flood on to the stadium. They all observe Harry and Voldermort and a wind of inspiration sweeps past them. Everyone is now attacking everyone else with any hard or sharp objects they can find.
A/N: So, did you enjoy it? It is incredible what one can come up with when she stares at the wall for too long. Now, all I ask for my tireless efforts is that you wonderful people send me some delightful reviews. It would be advised that you do not send me anything which mentions anyone from the Harry potter film or Jake. I warn you now, for there will be consequences. If I succeed to be enriched with a sufficient number of reviews, there will most definitely be a sequel, containing another spirit-boosting song. Please be so kind as to review for otherwise I shall be traumatised for the rest of my life and you know you really don't want that! I am just trying to make a difference to this cold world! Think of the children! REVIEW my friends!!! REVIEW!!!!
Disclaimer: I have to write this for any lawyers who maybe be reading. Yes, J. K. Rowling owns all of the 'Harry Potter' characters in this 'story'. That is why she is rich and I am sitting here.writing pathetic, worthless pieces of faeces on fanfiction, desperately hoping that some sick twisted person will review! Ahem. Anyway.
WARNING: This is a completely straight story! Do not percept any impure thoughts, for I have made no implications of anything whatsoever!
Author's note: I have nothing against any of the characters! In fact, I love them all (except for the cheerleaders). This 'story' was simply the product of my extreme boredom, lack of will to study for my exams and an overdose of caffeine. I hope you thoroughly enjoy this marvellous, priceless addition to human literature.
************************************************************************* The entire population of Hogwarts have been taken to Los Angeles to attend a special episode of Oprah. ************************************************************************* "Hello everyone!" Oprah beams. The crowd goes wild with cheers. "Today we have a VERY EXCITNG program for you!" she smiles. "This is the event that the entire world has been counting down for" The crowd goes hysterical with screams. "My, freaky wizard friends, this is the day that Harry Potter and Lord Voldermort *There is a loud gasp from the crowd as 'You-know-who' is mentioned* come face-to-face and spill it once and for all!" The crowd start stomping their feet and then there is a Mexican wave. "So, brace yourselves as I welcome on to the stadium- the guy with the line on his head-I mean- HARRY POTTER!!!" The crowd goes totally spastic. There is line of girls in the front row. They turn around so that Harry can see the letters on their backs. They are arranged to say 'GO HARRY BABY". The Harry cheer squad equipped with pom-poms and frilly scarlet skirts, run out onto the stadium. "Alright! Let's give it up for Harry!" The head cheerleader chirps. They start cheering 'Give me a G' 'Give me an A' 'Give me a Y' 'Give me a L' 'Give me an O' 'Give me a R' 'Give me a D' 'What does it spell?'
"GAYLORD!!!" the crowd booms.
One of the cheerleaders puts her finger on her chin. "Hang on, that's not right!" she squeals.
"Well that's too bad!" Oprah says hurriedly, shoving the Harry cheer squad back into the entrance. "We're gonna run out of time!"
Harry walks to the middle of the stadium, where Oprah is standing. He is wearing a tight black singlet, which says 'HARRY IN DA HOUSE'. His pants are silver, several sizes too large and have a chain dangling out of one of the pockets. He has enormous white sneakers but they're not really visible because of the even more enormous pants. To top it all off, he is wearing a black beanie on his head that says 'I like to shake my booty'
"So, Harry! This is a big night for you! How do you feel?" Oprah smiles, slowly edging away from Harry.
"Let's see!" Harry says in a sarcastically giddy tone. "I'm dressed like an asshole. The entire world now thinks I'm gay. I have to sit down and 'talk' to the bastard who killed my parents and to put the icing on the cake, these bloody contact lenses are making my eye sting like hell!" He yells into the microphone. "HOW THE BLODDY HELL DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Well.I can see that Harry's ready to go!" Oprah beams.
Harry snatches the microphone from Oprah. "By the way, I'm only doing this because they're paying me!"
Oprah snatches the microphone back. "Back off, buster!" she whispers to Harry with threatening eyes. "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!" *the crowd breaks out into whispers* "Ladies and gentlemen, I present.WOLDIMORT!"
A sixteen-year-old version of the Dark Lord appears out of the entrance. "Babe, the name is VOLDERMORT!" he corrects. He casually strolls over to the middle of the stadium. He is wearing tight black leather pants, a tight black leather jacket that says 'I'm a chick magnet' and a fiery-red bandana that is printed with flying skulls.
"Okay everyone! Let's welcome the Voldy cheer squad!" Oprah yells into the microphone.
A group of dementors, all dressed in black mini-skirts and tank tops run out of the entrance, screaming and jumping. They take out their pom-poms and start cheering.
"James, James in the bin, Harry, Harry further in, Lily, Lily on the top And here comes Voldy Squash the lot! V O L D Y Gooooooooo Voldy!!!"
"All righty then. now that that's done, it's time to start." Oprah gestures for Harry and The Dark Lord to stand before one another. "Okay, I have to ask the audience to shut the fu- I mean quieten down."
"Now, Harry, we'll start with you" Oprah says walking cautiously towards Harry. Her eyes are fixed on Harry's rather dangerous looking chain. "I want you to take a deep breath and get in touch with your inner spirituality". Harry raises an eyebrow and frowns. "Okay.I want you to tell Voldi- whatever his name is, how you're feeling right now," Oprah continues.
"Okay" Harry says, smiling. He grabs You-know-who's throat and strangles him violently. "This is how I FEEL, you son of a bitch!!!!!!"
The Dark Lord yawns and punches Harry in the face. "Ooops! Did I just break your nose?" He mocks.
Harry lies on the grass, holding his injured nose. He looks up at the crowd and sees Draco, who is laughing madly, and whacking Crabbe and Goyle on their backs.
Oprah massages her temples. "This isn't going too well". She rubs her chin. "I have to give them more spiritual crap," She says under her breath.
"Gentlemen" Oprah chimes in a soothing voice. She gestures to Harry to come towards her. Then she calls Voldermort (A/N: I can't be bothered saying You- know-who.wait, I just did), who is flirting with Cho Chang.
"I think it is obvious that 'talking' will not resolve your inner burdens"
"Why am I here again?" Voldermort asks Oprah with a confused look on his face.
"Because you want to let go of your troubled past and move on to a bright and prosperous future"
Voldermort raises his eyebrow.
"You wanted to check out the chicks" Oprah replied, frustrated.
"Ohhh" Voldermort says thoughtfully, as if someone had just told him all the secrets of the universe.
"Now, it has been proven that the most effective and non-violent way to reveal your feelings is by the art of song"
"I AM NOT SINGING TO HIM!" Harry yells in outrage.
"But Harry, it's for your own good" Oprah says as if she really cared.
"I DON'T SING!!!!!" Harry roars.
"Yes you do!" Ron booms from the front row.
Harry looks at Ron, shaking his head.
Oprah takes the microphone to Ron.
Harry slaps his forehead.
"He sings that dilemma song when he's sleeping" Ron continues. "I would know, I'm his room-mate"
"Is that so?" Oprah grins, glancing at Harry, who is making violent gestures at the sky.
"He also makes some really weird.breathing noises, when he's asleep!"
"I don't think we need to know what that's all about" Oprah says, walking back to Harry and Voldermort.
"So, Vo-whatever, do you know dilemma?" Oprah questions Vondermort, who is whiping lipstick off his cheek.
"DUH!!" he replies. "I produced it!"
"Great! We're finally getting somewhere!" Oprah says, giddy with excitement. "I want the two of you to sing 'dilemma' using your own words.
Harry glares at Oprah. He thinks of how many ways he can kill her after the show is over.
"Now, Voltercourt, you'll have Nelly's part. I want you to talk about what happened in the past and how you feel now." The excited host squeals, clapping her hands. She turns to face Harry. "You can have Kelly's part. I want you to say how you feel, and please, no disturbing language!"
"You have 10 seconds to decide what you are going to sing."
The crowd do a countdown.
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
The music starts.
Harry:
I hate you And I'll kill you Voldy, I hate you I will Kill you
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Voldermort:
Uh-uh-uh-uh I met this chick and she just moved right up the block from me. Her name was Lily, the finest thing I've ever seen. But oh no no She got a man And a son oh-oh But that's okay, coz I Wait till its dark, sneak into position Just like an evil lord, blast the door open And in no time I blew up James's behind That's for sure, coz I've always been the type to break a happy home But something about baby girl, I couldn't leave alone I said, "Can I also kill that brat, Harry?" She said "Bastard! First you'll have to kill me!"
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Voldermort:
Now she was pissing me off, I didn't say a word Gave her a blast of my wand, went flying like a bird The brat was sucking his thumb, Voldy go for it! Threw up on my feet, that bloody piece of shit! *Looks at Harry* I hate your look, your style and your crappy hair, You think you're lookin' so hot but Cho don't seem to care. Now I'm going out with her and I got special plans to hurt ya, don't you forget it! Now, it ain't easy for you to always save the day, So just piss of and get the hell out of my way! I wish you'd drop already! Coz asshole, you'll never defeat me!
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Voldermort:
*Voldermort winks and points at Harry* Sing it for me H!
Harry:
I hate you And I'll kill you Voldy I hate you, I do And it's more that you'll ever know Boy, it's for sure You'll always be a prick Forever more!
Voldermort:
East coast I know you're shaking wrong. Down south I know you're bouncing wrong. West coast I know you're walking wrong. (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me) Midwest I see you swinging wrong.
East coast I see you jump along Down south I know you prance along West coast I see you crawl along (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me) Midwest I see you sniff along
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
Harry/Voldermort: yeah yeah
Voldermort:
East coast I know you're shaking wrong. Down south I know you're bouncing wrong. West coast I know you're walking wrong. (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me) Midwest I see you swinging wrong.
East coast I see you jump along Down south I know you prance along West coast I see you crawl along (Harry: you'll always be a prick to me)
Harry:
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm dying to kill you.
No matter what I do All I bitch about is you Even when I'm in the loo Boy, you know I'm craving to blast you.
*Music slowly fades*
"That was. that was...beautiful!" Oprah sniffs, wiping the tears from her eyes.
The crowd is ecstatic. People are now trying to break down the fence around the stadium.
Harry and Voldermort are glaring at each other.
"You found my mother attractive?" Harry says in a shaky voice.
"Oh yeah!" Voldermort shouts, with a sly grin.
Harry's harsh expression softens. He outstretches his arms and runs to Voldermort. "FATHER!" He yells as he embraces him.
"Um.Harry, you're not my son" Voldermort replies, trying to push away the rather emotional boy.
"You're near enough!" Harry smiles.
After about five seconds something strikes Harry. "Wait a minute, did you say you were dating Cho?"
Voldermort laughs. "DUH!!"
Harry lets go of his 'father of ten seconds'. "Why you son of a-"
Harry knocks Voldermort to the ground and violently attacks him with a nearby rock, several times on the head.
The crowd has broken down the barrier and a stampede of hyperactive adolescents flood on to the stadium. They all observe Harry and Voldermort and a wind of inspiration sweeps past them. Everyone is now attacking everyone else with any hard or sharp objects they can find.
A/N: So, did you enjoy it? It is incredible what one can come up with when she stares at the wall for too long. Now, all I ask for my tireless efforts is that you wonderful people send me some delightful reviews. It would be advised that you do not send me anything which mentions anyone from the Harry potter film or Jake. I warn you now, for there will be consequences. If I succeed to be enriched with a sufficient number of reviews, there will most definitely be a sequel, containing another spirit-boosting song. Please be so kind as to review for otherwise I shall be traumatised for the rest of my life and you know you really don't want that! I am just trying to make a difference to this cold world! Think of the children! REVIEW my friends!!! REVIEW!!!!