The bed I made
Luke felt a cool brush of air on his naked skin and he stirred as his mind began to shake off the thickness of his sleep.
The pictures were there even before he had opened his eyes and it was the same loop that he woke up to every morning, for over two months now.
First there was the scenario he had made up of him and Reid having sex. They had only kissed once in Dallas and it had not even been a real kiss since Luke had been too shocked to kiss back.
If back then he had known that that was going to be the only thing he would ever get, he would have grabbed him, thrown him onto the bed and kissed his soul out.
Beside this kiss he had nothing he could build his fantasies on but by the way Reid had always looked at him and by the way he had made his moves the day they had returned from Dallas he thought he could judge well enough how he would have made love to him. Noah had never managed to make him feel wanted, even during sex, the way Reid could with just a simple glance or gesture.
Then came the conversation they had had after the events that closely followed Noah's surgery.
''I don't want you anymore.'' Luke had already seen in his eyes that it was the truth but with a foolish hope he had suggested:
''You just say that because you want to believe it. I know I hurt you but please give me a chance to make it up to you.''
Reid had waited patiently for Luke to finish and then just simply stated.
''I told you I don't play games. It's the truth.''
''But I had my reason for acting that way. There was a reason why I did that.'' he was sure by that time his voice must have sounded desperate and pleading.
''And I am sure you will have in the future. Just like Noah has for playing mind games with you.''
He had looked at him, no anger in his eyes and then added.
''You two do belong together. I was afraid for you to be in a relationship that would hurt you but that was before I found out that you are a perfect match.'' The words had not been meant to hurt. Luke could tell by the quiet and earnest tone in Reid's voice.
Luke remembered that he had tried to apologize and change Reid's mind in several other ways, though he could not recall the exact phrasing.
The next thing he could clearly remember again was Reid looking at him and then ending the conversation with that one sentence he'd probably remember for the rest of his life.
''You had your chance and you screwed up. I'm not going to have anyone push me around the way you let Noah. I'm not available for that Luke.''
The last word had been what had hurt the most in the entire conversation. He could have called him Mr. Snyder to emphasize the distance but there was no need to. It was there in his words, his voice and his eyes. It had been the most obvious, the most real thing Luke had ever felt and he could still feel it now.
As he crawled back up against the wall he pulled the covers with him and let his heavy head sink into the fluffy pillow. He could not get up yet. He would have to take a few deep breathes to make the weight on his chest go away before he was in shape to face the day.
When he had gone to bed yesterday he had hoped that maybe the next morning it would be different, that it would finally leave him alone and let him start the life that was ahead of him. It was a thought he took to bed with him every night and yet he woke up to the same scenario every day.
After a few more minutes the heat gathering between his body and the sheets started to make him feel uncomfortable and so he pushed them away and finally got up.
The cool floor felt good and refreshing under his bare feet and he just headed for the bathroom without reaching for his slippers. Luke already started the shower before he took of his clothes and when he stepped under the stream of water it had just the right temperature.
Usually this was the part where the conversation he had had with Noah right after his surgery would play like a broken record. Noah had come to see him at his mom's place looking worried and guilty like he had never seen him before. He had spilt his heat saying all the things Luke had always wanted to hear. He had been especially happy to hear Luke say he was the only man for him since deep down he had already thought he'd lost him.
Noah had made a load of apologies and promises and Luke could not remember what it had made him feel like. They had talked about their relationship and future Noah's words leaving no doubt how much he regretted the way he had treated Luke and that he wanted him back. Ever since they were dating again and Noah was the boyfriend Luke had always wanted him to be. He was leaving the life he had always dreamt of and he could just not figure out why it felt like a punishment to him.