Authors note:
I'm scared. This is my first ever Fanfic I wrote. I apologize for all the mistakes I've made, but I'm German, so English is not my native language. Please review I really appreciate your opinion. I don't own Sea Patrol.
This story takes place after „The universal donor".
Chapter 1
His hands were shaking. His breathing was erratic and beads of sweat covered his face. Swain adjusted his grip on the scalpell, he took a deep breath and pressed the blade of the instrument into the soft skin of Birds back. Instantly the blood began to flow. Not a bit, a lot of blood, way to much for the small incision he has made. He couldn't stop it, there was blood everywhere, the table where Jessica was lying on overflowed with it. Swain awoke with a start. He sat up in his rack, breathing like he had run a mile. It took him a moment to get his bearings. "Thank god it was a dream", but nevertheless he looked at his hands to make sure, there wasn't any blood on it. Chris ran a still shaking hand over his forehead to wipe away the persipation. A glance in the rack below showed him that he was alone in the cabin. It was 4 o'clock in the morning and Dutchy was on nightwatch. Two hours before Swains duty on the bridge began, but the thought of going back to sleep made him shiver. So he put on a grey shirt and his DPNU trousers and made his way to the galley.
This was the fourth night in a row, he had a nightmare about the incident on Berkelmanns ship. The CO asked Swain, if he was fine, as he sat in the wardroom watching Bird sleep of the chloroform. Of course he was fine, he was the medic of the Hammersley, he had to be. Dealing with medical issues was his daily business. But Chris was anything but FINE. He was terrified. To be forced, to almost slaughter one of his mates was something he couldn't get out of his mind.
Swain made himself a brew. "What are you doing up, mate? " a voice from the door startled him. Dutchy leaned on the doorframe and watched his roommate.
"Ah, I just couldn't sleep, so I decided to get some coffee and get an early start," stammered Chris.
"Happens a lot in the last time, doesn't it?"
"This is none of your business! Aren't you on nightwatch anyway?" snapped the medic.
"Hey, relax Swaino! I was just wondering, if you are ok. You went through a lot lately, if you want to talk, I'm ready to listen." Dutchy tried to placate him.
"Well, for your information: I'm fine! Bird went through a lot more and she's coping really well. So why should I have a problem with it? " Chris got worked up.
"You almost cut Birds kidney out of her. I understand if that gives you the creeps. I don't know how I would have digested that one. I mean, you were all alone and ... "
"If I'm interested in your opinion, then I'll ask you, but I'm not!" Swain cut him off. "I've got work to do." And with that he was gone.
Dutchy frowned. That was not the Chris Blake he knew and was proud to call his friend. This sailor was short tempered and seemed almost angry most of the last days. The complete opposite of the always calm and friendly medic, that the whole Hammersley crew loved. PO Mulholland swore that he would help his friend. He just wasn't sure how to do it.
It was an uneventful patrol so far. The sea was calm and the temperatures were pretty high. The crew members that were not on duty were entering the galley to get lunch. Bird was the chef and has prepared chicken curry with rice and salad. Swain has avoided her the whole week, but at lunch time there was no way to do it. Jessica was well aware of his strange behaviour and she put on her biggest smile. "I hope you like chicken curry! " she said in a cheerful voice.
"I have just some salad, thanks. " Swain responded quietly without looking her in the eyes. Bird was confused, she really liked the medic and never felt uncomfortable talking to him. But since the encounter with the organ trader it seemed that he didn't want her around him. Whenever he was in a room she entered, he left immediately if his duty allowed it. Always the social guy before, Chris didn't join the games they played in their free time anymore. When they got some time off to spend on shore while on patrol, he often offered to stay on the Hammersley and keep watch. If he joined the crew for a pub visit, he sat alone in a corner and was drinking. Everybody noticed his strange behaviour and some of his mates tried to get him to open up, but no one was successful. It was always the same pattern. At first he brushed them off and insisted that he was fine and there was nothing to worry about. When they didn't back off, his attitude got nasty, he snapped and said hurtful things. So most of his mates gave him a wide berth.
Swain knew that his friends were just concerned about him. But he was trapped. Trapped by feelings of gulit, shame, anger and angst. Chris couldn't get out of his mind that he almost cut out a kidney of Jessica. What if he wasn't able to distract the guy with the gun? Would he have continued with the surgerey? He probably would have killed Bird. She was only 19 years old and he was supposed to protect her, not kill her! Was there really no other option ? How could this assholes do this to them? What were the crew thinking of him? How could they trust him any longer? He felt like he was going around in circles, but he couldn't find his way out.
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