I'd die for him. No second thoughts. It's not like I care about revolution that much anyways but I care about Enjolras. Even if he has no clue how I feel about him. To my Apollo, I'm just a drunkard with no determination. Perhaps he is right. I don't care if we win or lose. Either way I will still be a drunkard with no future. But I'm here, for him just for him.
Before I met him, I went through life just existing. Going around, caring less about anything. Every day, was just another day. And then he was there right in front of me in the square. His eyes never met mine, but I couldn't take my eyes of him. He was beaming with passion. Passion I had never seen before in anyone. I wished, just for a moment I had that kind passion. It was as if he were the sun and the crowd stars revolving around his light. His voice made an echo in my head. His words meant something. For moment, just for a moment I felt like I cared about Revolution and France. He has that effect on people. He embraces with his words and gets you to places you never knew. There I was completely enchanted by him and his speech. His movements were firm. Nothing could bring him down, like a strong wall. I forgot to breathe.
I wanted to follow him. When I was on my own I felt like a void of loneliness, something I had never felt before. I was lonely before, yes, but it was something that could be easily fix with the company of a lady willing to spend the night with me. But now, even with company I felt so alone and incomplete. It was suffocating.
I had to look for him. I had to look for that man with golden curls and strong voice. He wasn't hard to find. It was as if destiny had pulled its strings to get me to him. And there he was again at the Café Musain standing like a god in glory giving orders and speaking of patriotic dreams of freedom. A leader he was, after all. His words dancing in my head dragged my feet closer. I wasn't even listening faithfully to his plans of taking down the king. I really didn't care. It was his voice what I was listening to.
Then there was silence. All eyes were on that drunken stranger with a bottle in his right hand and a stranded look in his eyes. He looked at me and I felt my knees weaken. Who was this man? "Do you join our crusade? Are you strong to stand with me? Do you believe in Revolution?" My head wanted to say no, but no words came out. I didn't even move. I was fascinated. I nodded though I knew I was following him, just him. I couldn't refuse.
Every day I went to Café Musain. I even slept there sometimes and even dreamt. I had never had dreams before. I didn't dream of revolution as everyone else. I dreamt of him. He didn't like me though. He wasn't fond of my drinking, gambling and whoring habits but I didn't care. I just wanted to be near him. The taste of sweet wine burning inside me helped me ease the pain of unrequited love. A lady or two a night relieved the stirring lust inside me. But it was never enough. I wished for those fierce eyes fixed on me. I longed for that soft skin of his. It was like drinking a sea of air that never quenches the thirst.
After a while I started to wonder if he would ever look at me the same way I looked at him. It wasn't like he had a lover or anything like it. He was always speaking of barricades and the republic. In his mind there was no room for love. So I drank and drowned myself in that sweet venom. Lamarque died and we all knew the time had come. Songs of blood and anger could be heard all over the café. His eyes were beaming like the first time I saw him. It was time. The time he waited for so long had come. There was happiness in the air. He seemed so excited about fighting for his true love; France. Marius came and confessed his love for a girl he had just met. I felt so happy for him. Marius, a dear comrade burst in the café and sang about love and desire and I teased Enjolras to see if there was at least a little interest in love for another in his eyes. I liked teasing him. It's the only way to get a little attention. But he only scoffed. His determination to die for the cause was such he saw his life as unimportant. But it was important. It was to me.
"Its time for us all to decide who we are.." it's funny how a simple sentence can struck your heart and leave you flat. He sat right next to me. For once, he looked at me as a comrade, as a partner in crime… as a friend. He wanted to know, without saying a word if I was with him on this. I saw bit of disappointment in his eyes, because he knew where I was standing regards revolution. He had been disappointed before. It hurt so much to see the color in his eyes fade for a second but I had to pretend. I can't change who I am and I felt so sorry and I hated myself so much I had to zip from the bottle of wine to forget.
I wish I had been at the funeral. I wish I hadn't been so drunk that night, that day, I had no idea. I was woken up too late. I wanted to see him waving the red flag on top of the world. I wanted to look at him and to see everyone looking up to him with pride just like I do. I cursed myself more than once, drank again and found myself in the arms of a sweet lady. I had been dreaming again. But this time the dream was more intense. I was drunk in my dream, and he was right next to me on that same table just like before. He was looking at me with the same intensity as that time, searching for passion in my eyes. But I was too drunk to even move. I could only look at those soft lips of his, moving but I could hear no words coming out of his mouth. I could trace with my eyes every curve of that evil grin of his. Enjolras was a charming young man capable of being terrible. The silence was deafening and I wanted to touch him but I couldn't reach for his tender cheek which seemed to come closer to me. I didn't know if it was the drunken state in which I was but I could feel his hand on my shoulder and his breath on my ear. He spoke of revolution, of course, but those there the most arousing words anyone had ever spoken to me. I held my breath and felt my heart almost stopping. I was so afraid of moving and breaking the spell. Enjolras, my Apollo, was so close I could feel every inch of my body exploding.
The whispers in my ear slowed down as if they were a memory one wishes to extend because it must never end. Those whispers became tender kisses until he stopped and fixed his eyes on me. He was so close that our noses could touch. A bottle fell to the floor and the wine spilled but it was just an unimportant echo. "Are you in this with me?" His voice was sweet like a purr of a cat. With both hands he gently pushed he into a sweet kiss. I could feel passion burning in me, consuming me to ashes with every move of his tongue inside of my clumsy mouth trying to engulf the world in one kiss. No more words were spoken.
I felt my body hit the ground, but I could feel no pain. I wanted to keep my eyes open; I couldn't forgive myself if I missed any detail of his face blazing in lust. I had seen this look before when he spoke of freedom, but this time it wasn't France who he was longing for, but me. I don't know why but it was like walking through the gates of heaven, if there was one.
His hungry lips were kissing my chest as he unbuttoned my shirt and got rid of my clothes. I could hear him moan as he touched every inch of me. I was so afraid of touching him; it was him I was touching after all. His skin was warm and it felt soft. I was melting underneath his body. My heart was beating so fast like the drums of revolution, the drums of his revolution. My fingers ran through his golden curls. The shape of his body kindled like the one of a Greek god. My Apollo was mine.
"Do you trust me?" he said as he turn my body around and pressed it to the table where we were sitting before. My mind was way off to even answer. Then I felt him. I felt his awaken skin blending with mine. I could feel him inside me and then those words came to my mind. "I would die for you. If the world burns, and the barricades fall I'd go down with you, I'd give my life for you" I could feel his nails carving my skin. He wanted me. My blood was stirred with desire as he thrust himself in me. I couldn't refuse. I gave myself to him and he poured himself on me as he embraced my dripping body. We collapsed on the floor again.
I couldn't move, or speak or even think. I just smiled like I really meant it. I wanted to stop time forever and stay like that. I wanted to die in his arms.
It wasn't his arms embracing me when I woke up. The world seemed so empty and opaque. The colors that burned in me faded to shadows. It was another day and I was alone. I still had the sensation of Enjolras body next to me. I closed my eyes and tried hard to recreate his touch in the arms of the woman who was holding me. Revolution came and my Apollo came to me and the flame in my eyes came back to life. It was time to show him that he could trust me.
It all happened so fast I can't keep track of the events, there was blood everywhere and it was blurry and confusing. Though we were doomed children in a barricade, Enjolras remained strong. He defended every one of us with all his being. He wouldn't go down without a fight. I sighed at the view of my brave Apollo waving the red flag and shooting his gun like there was no tomorrow. Marius almost blew the barricade but I wasn't there to see it. I was too busy covering Enjolras back from the distance. He never noticed but I was. But then my old me came back, and the wine dragged me to a corner where I lost myself again.
In dreams I heard the apocalypse of canons and gunshots. I didn't witness my comrades fall, but I knew. We were doomed. The sadness in Enjolras' eyes when he realized the people had not stirred and we were on our own felt like a thousand daggers. I couldn't deal with it. Wine made me forget and I almost missed the battle. As always I was lost in the dreams of a foolish drunken man who dreamt a dream of love that in the end was nothing but just a dream. But all dreams eventually have to end. And so did ours. The dream of those who became my friends was extinguished as their life was ripped out of their bodies by the gunshots of the officers. I heard their bodies hit the ground and woke up to find my Apollo surrounded by them.
In his eyes there was no fear. There he was still beaming with passion. It was like a sign from heaven, the selfish wish of mine to die by his side was granted. I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to die by the same bullets. I wanted to follow him into the dark. Perhaps I never thought of the republic like he did. But I thought of him like he did of the republic. I swear I could glimpse the corner of his lips curving into a smile. He knew my answer. "yes, I am in this with you, until the end"