"Oh my god. This isn't happening Peralta. I'm telling you. You have the wrong day, location or whatever."
"No, my informant is a reliable source. Trust me, it's happening."
"Your informant is a phony. Let's call it."
"Touch that radio Santiago and I'll pepper spray you to within an inch of your life."
"Well at least you're not being dramatic about the situation."
Amy and Jake were sitting in his car, surrounded by food packaging and empty drinks bottles. They had been on a stake out for the past three hours waiting for 'Jake's guy' to make an appearance.
"We've been here for hours Jake and aside from the abundance of twinkies and red vines...I'm starving."
"God, feed much?"
"And I need to use the bathroom."
"Ew gross."
"What are you eight?"
"No!...Here, take a wee wee in this, but mind the seats." He said handing her a drinks container, "You can't get this authentic fake leather anymore- outlawed in 15 countries."
"You're disgusting."
"Says the one pissing into a Big Gulp."
"Forget it; I'll wait."
"You'll be fine. Just whatever you do, do not picture waterfalls, running water-"
"Jake don't."
"Babbling brooks, monsoons, showers-"
"Peraltaaaa"
"Rainfall, rivers, the ocean of course-"
"Stopitstopitstopitstopit"
"Peeing obviously-"
At this, Amy jumped out of the car and squatted behind a nearby dumpster.
"You know, public urination is a crime!" he shouted out to her trying to stifle a laugh.
"Shut up Jake!"
At this point, a car pulled up, illuminating Amy with its headlights.
"Oh my god! This is better than anything ever!" he said as he got out the holding his gun at the driver, "NYPeeD! That has never been more appropriate! PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD AND EXIT THE VEHICLE."
Thirty minutes later, back up had arrived and had taken the perp back to the Nine-Nine. Amy and Jake got back into the car and made their way back too.
"Not a word." Amy warned.
"Come on. We know that's not going to happen."
"Give me a break, just for once...Please."
"Ok, but be prepared because when we get back to the station...urine trouble."
"That's the best you got?"
"Give me a minute..."
She turned her attention to stare out of the window with her arms crossed. Worst night ever.
"Alright. Sorry Santiago, you know I appreciate you being there tonight. If I was to choose anyone to be my Number one...it's you...Oh look I did another one! Get it, because you did a number one...and the perp caught you! Remember Santiago? Remember?"
She retorted with a look that oozed bloody murder.
"What is this? The New York City Piss Department...ayyyooooo. I am on fire!" he held a hand out for a high five that was never going to arrive.