August-September 1953
We got off the plane, and found our bags, Hawkeye didn't help me with them, but I didn't need it. I stuck close to him as we worked our way through the crowd, and I noticed with a smile, that the short skirt of my Class-A's, the brown high heels and shiny nylon stockings had men turning their heads as I passed them.
Suddenly Hawkeye grabbed my shoulder, pointing. I saw what he was pointing at; Mum and Daniel were waiting for us. I gave a nervous gulp as I saw them waiting together, of course, they expected us together, and they didn't know of the divorce, how could they? There hadn't been time to tell them. But when I saw mum, I got that excited, I actually grabbed, and held Hawkeye's hand as I towed him over to them, and he'd been the one to point them out in the first place.
"My Annabelle, is that really you?" Mum was staring, at me. I was different, I was dressed in my A's, which made me look older, and I was slimmer and more muscular than the last time mum had seen me. I was also wearing makeup to hide the black eye and I never wore makeup before Korea. My hair was longer too, and instead of the sensible bun I had always worn it in before Korea, It was tied in a high ponytail, and secured with a brown bow. I knew why Mum stared, she was comparing me to the little blonde baby she had given birth to 27 years before.
"It's me Mum." I assured her. Mum was different from the woman I remembered. Her face looked more relaxed and youthful, having found real happiness with Patrick, but her hair was looking more grey than blonde. She was plumper too, my mother had always been quite thin.
"Oh, Mummy!" I choked, wrapping my arms around her, I stayed quite still for a long time, crying onto her shoulder like a baby, and as her arms held me, rocking slightly, crooning soft, sweet words to me, I knew she was still my mother.
We stayed like that for quite a long time, it was a relief beyond all relief to hold her again, to feel safe in my mother's arms. I could tell she needed to hold me too, knowing that one of her babies would never be able to hold her again either, my brother Jack, KIA.
"Look at you Annabelle, you've got so strong." She gave my arms a little squeeze, feeling the muscle.
"Yeah, well I had to do a lot of work there, and after the POW camp, I really was made to build myself up again."
"Look at you, you're so strong!" She echoed, putting a hand on my abdomen, and her eyes widened suddenly. She knew what to feel for, she'd been pregnant many times over. "Annabelle Dawson, is there something you haven't told me?" I realised I'd never written home about the baby, there'd just been too much going on.
"Can we talk at home?" I asked. Mum agreed, and we decided to leave. Daniel was driving us home; he'd taken mum to the airport, so they could meet us together.
"Everyone's waiting at home to see you!" Mum turned around in the front seat and look at Hawkeye and I sitting in the back. "Rachael, Steve and Corey are coming for dinner tonight, and bringing Andrew, most of us will be together again. Patrick won't be there then though, he's out fishing till very late."
"Oh, that's great! And I get to meet Jemma and Nat!" My brother and sister were about 14 months old, and I had never once seen them. I spent the rest of the car trip in silent joy, while Hawkeye remained in anxious silence, he didn't know how to tell his father that the elation of having a daughter- in-law would be short lived.
"Here we are!" Daniel pulled into the driveway of a large white house, where most of my brothers and sisters milled in the front yard. Jeremy, Joe, Chris, Mimi and Eve were still in Tokyo or Korea somewhere, and Jack would never be there again.
I got out of the car, and for a few seconds, everyone just stared at me, to them I was a stranger. I waited, knowing that they'd approach me when they were ready.
"Annie!" It was Alice, my nearly 13-year-old sister. She ran to me, and threw herself into my arms. "Annie, I missed you so much! I love you Annie!"
"I missed you too, my Alice, it's so good to see you again. Look at you, you're so tall!" I kissed the top of her blonde head. Alice's warm welcome woke everyone up, and slowly, they all began to greet me; hugging, kissing, and crying. Even Matthew, now 8 and 'too big for hugs', surprised me with a hug, and told me he missed me.
"Annie, there's someone here who wants to meet you." It was my sister Lily, her beautiful black hair shining in the sun. She was holding two babies' hands as they toddled over the lawn my little brother and sister who I had yet to meet. They were beautiful, big brown eyes, soft brown hair, chubby dimpled features and matching blue overalls.
"Hello, I'm your sister." I bent down, and anxiously Jemma tilted her head up to Lily, looking for reassurance.
"Say hello to Annie," Lily let go of Jemma's hand and the little girl toddled a step or two and hurtled into my arms. I picked her up and swung her in the air, then I drew her close, and still shrieking with joy, she cuddled into my shoulder.
"Up!" Nat held his arms up to me and I lifted him as well. With a toddler in each arm, I made my way back to Hawkeye, Mum and Daniel.
"Mum, they're gorgeous, I suppose I should thank you for bringing them into the world Daniel."
"You should Annie." Daniel, slightly taller than Hawkeye, somewhat greyer, but otherwise identical smiled and tugged my hair. Seeing him do that, Nat gleefully took a handful of my hair and pulled it too.
"Ow, ow, Nat, let go honey, that's right." Handing Jemma to Mum, I disentangled his little fingers. Hawkeye was laughing, and I quickly put Nat in his arms. He looked surprised and then pleased.
"Hi there Sport, I'm Hawkeye, I will still be related to them right?" He looked at me.
"I guess so, we'll have to work that out." I replied.
"Annabelle, of course he will be, he's married to you." Mum said. Hawkeye and I shared 'now's as good a time as any' glance. I took a deep breath.
"See he was asking if he'd still be related, because we're getting a divorce, we only decided two days ago." Mum had put Jemma on the lawn and sent her toddling over to Lily. Hawkeye followed suit, and seeing something up, Lily herded everyone back into the house, leaving us room to talk on the front lawn.
"Annabelle Felicity Amy Jane Dawson! What in the world is going on?" Mum demanded.
"Benjamin! You've got some explaining to do!" Daniel ordered, and all of a sudden, we felt like two naughty kids caught doing something we shouldn't have. We explained what had happened, right down to the fight we'd had, and the injuries we'd caused.
"Oh, Annabelle, how could you? You were always so sensible in college!"
"Mum, I was drunk." I explained, as if that fixed everything.
"Annabelle! You never even touched alcohol before you went to Korea, what's happened to you?"
"Steady Alison." Daniel put a hand on Mum's shoulder.
"Mum, so much happens there, you can't even begin to understand it. No letter, no television documentary, nothing can show you how it is, no one can feel it, unless they are there." I said, "I had to change, I had to grow up. If I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to do what I did."
"Get drunk and ruin your marriage!" Mum burst out.
"No Alison, I may call you that? Alison, if Annie hadn't grown up so quickly in Korea, she wouldn't have been half as tough as she was, she would have died when she was in the POW camp. I don't know if you know but we had a Chinese soldier loose in the camp that grabbed her, if she hadn't been so damn tough, she probably wouldn't have got away from him." Mum was getting upset, but Hawkeye kept going.
"If Annie didn't come to terms with the real world as quickly as she did, she might never have saved the patients that she did, might never have been half the nurse she was. There are so many more good things in Annie growing up so quickly, like having your grandchild."
"Annabelle! You're having my grandchild and you didn't tell me!" Mum hugged me tightly.
"No jeep accidents now!" Daniel laughed, clapping his son on the shoulder. "Son, I'm very sorry to hear you're divorcing, and I'm even more sorry to hear why, although it probably is for the best." Daniel squeezed his shoulder, and then kissed the side of my head. "Whatever happens, you know I'll support you."
"I'm disappointed Annabelle, but I will be there when you need me. I guess this means you're coming home again right?" Said Mum at last.
"Yes, I am, I hope you have a room." I said hopefully.
"You and Alice can share a room for a bit I think. I'm not sure what will happen once you have the baby though."
"I'll find something, but for now I just want to get settled at home again." Daniel and Hawkeye had to go, and I kissed them both on the cheek. They left, both wanting to settle in at home again and catch up.
"Come on in sweetie, " Mum led me inside, and showed me around the house. It was just as beautiful on the inside as it looked on the outside. After a tour of the house, all the attention of my siblings got too much and I took a walk into the town, as we lived just on the border.
"Annie! What are you doing here?" I walked right into Hawkeye who was positively beside himself with joy as he met everyone for the first time in three years.
"Came to clear my head, if I have Lily ask me another question, I'm going to go nuts!" Hawkeye took my hand, in the warm way that two friends would, palm against palm.
"It's a bit much isn't it after nearly two years?" He asked, as he led me through the town.
"A lot too much. I'd forgotten what having so many siblings was like. Where are you taking me?"
"You'll see," He let me in the front gate of the home that he shared with his father. It was a small two-bedroom place that Hawkeye had grown up in.
"Through here, come on, don't worry about your uniform, you won't be needing it any more." Hawkeye pulled back a paling on the high wooden fence. I slipped through and gasped. Hawkeye's backyard faced right onto a park.
"You think this is good, come on." He took my hand again and led me through a path and some trees. As we went downhill the trees cleared and we were on the beach, the sun was setting behind us, and the waves pounded on the shore as the tide came in.
"It's beautiful Hawkeye,"
"I used to come here all the time, thought it might help clear your head, it always helped me."
"Thanks for bringing me." I replied, taking in the sights.
"There's a pier about two miles that way, just behind the lighthouse." He was pointing, and showing me things, I felt myself relaxing.
"Thanks Hawkeye. I needed the break, what's the time?"
"I don't know, where's your watch?" I'd taken my watch off at home.
"Never mind, I've only got to be back for dinner." I slipped my shoes off and walked in the sand. Walking in nylons was dissatisfying and so when Hawkeye turned his back, I took them off too, enjoying a walk in the waves. Hawkeye joined me, and we walked along the beach, talking about things we'd have to sort for the divorce.
Suddenly a wave washed in, knocking me right off my feet. Hawkeye was laughing when another waved dumped on the shore, soaking me from head to toe and winding up with me screaming in terror.
"Annie, get up, it's okay, let's go." Hawkeye was pulling me to my feet. "Look we're out of the water now, you'll be okay. It's okay." I thought I had pretty much gotten rid of my fear of water after swimming with BJ that day on the beach, but the sudden wave scared me.
"I'm okay, it took me by surprise, and after Meg and all . . ." I trailed off shivering.
"Come on, I'll take you back up to the house, Dad can get you dry." My uniform clung wetly, and I was shivering, even though it was a warm evening.
"I can't bother you, I'll just walk back." I protested as Hawkeye let me in the back door.
"Anne! What happened to you?" Daniel heard us and came into the kitchen where I dripped on the linoleum.
"A wave got her." Hawkeye explained from the laundry where he was finding me a towel or two. "Here." He handed me a towel and I wrapped it around myself.
"Thanks Hawkeye" I took off my jacket and rubbed my hair. "Is that the time? I'm supposed to be home in ten minutes to meet Rachael!" I glanced at the clock, and realised a lot more time had passed than I was aware of.
"Don't worry Annie, I'll ring your place and let them know you're here." Hawkeye soothed.
"Come with me. I'll find something for you to wear, you're about Katharine's size." Daniel led me into the bathroom and closed the door; I'd dried, stripped and wrapped myself in the towel by the time he returned.
"This should do you." He held up a peach coloured dress, although old- fashioned it was beautiful.
"Daniel I couldn't." I protested.
"Nonsense! Now hurry up and dress, I'll drive you home, you'll make it if you hurry." He left again, and I dressed quickly. When I appeared, Hawkeye gave me my stockings and shoes and ushered me out to the car.
"Thanks Daniel." I smiled at him as he dropped me off outside my home.
"Anytime!" He smiled. I went inside, Rachael, Steve, Corey and Andrew hadn't arrived yet. That was okay, as it gave me a chance to neaten my bedraggled hair and reapply makeup to the bruise.
When I remerged, they'd arrived, and the first thing Rachael did, aside from kiss both my cheeks soundly, was to push a small baby into my hands.
"Meet your newest niece Abigail Anne." Rachael informed me proudly, looking at Rachael, and at Abigail, I guessed I hadn't been told of Rachael's pregnancy.
"She's two weeks old, we didn't tell you because we knew you'd be home in time to see her, we just knew it." Rachael beamed.
"Oh, Rachael, she's just beautiful." I smiled. After gushing appropriately over how much my nephew Corey had grown, and greeting my brother Andrew, we sat down to dinner.
I felt really out-of-place, normally at mealtimes I was helping two or three little siblings eat, and making sure everyone else ate while I barely sat down, but I was the one who everyone was making sure had some food. Even giving Abby a bottle in the middle of the meal didn't help, and Mum refused my offer of help cleaning up after.
"Belle, what's the matter?" Rachael asked as I put Grace to bed that night.
"I'm just used to practically running the place, it's odd not having that anymore. And Mum's just refusing to let me help too. I always used to help at dinnertime, I miss it."
"See, Belle, Mum thinks you've grown out of that, like you don't want to anymore. She told me about you and Ben and BJ. She also told me about why you and Ben are divorcing already. She thinks you're too grown up."
"But I'm not Rae, I can't think of anything I'd really rather do than help out, and be who I was before Korea."
"I'll go down and talk to Mum okay?" Rachael offered, and gladly I accepted it. Mum and Rae had a long talk before she, Steve, Andrew, Corey and Abigail went home.
"Goodbye Aunty Belle." Corey gravely shook my hand. He was a big boy now, and at 30 months thought he was already too big for hugs. I guessed he'd been spending too much time around Matt.
"Annabelle, can I have a word?" Mum asked later that night as I tucked Alice into bed. She and I were so close, not even Mum could come between us.
"Sure Mum, goodnight my beautiful Alice." I joined Mum in her room. Jemma and Nat still slept in cots there, and at the moment were sound asleep.
"Rae told me, you want to help out more." She began.
"Yes, I do. I miss everyone needing me so much."
"Love, it's part of being a mother, you learn that your babies grow up, and don't need you, and even go to Korea. Some never come back. But if you want to help with Matt, Grace and the twins that's fine with me."
"Thanks Mum, look I'm dying for nothing more than a good night's sleep so if you don't mind, I'm going to go to bed." A bed had been put in Alice and Lily's room for me. It was a smallish house, and Alice and Lily shared a room, while Grace and Matt had their own rooms, which would soon be occupied by the twins.
"Goodnight Annabelle." I went to bed, and slept very soundly, the peace of the quiet Maine night, and the warm comfort of a real bed worked wonders.
Mum kept her word, and allowed me to help wherever I wanted, but I felt out of place, so much older than my little siblings. When I had lived around them, the 11years or more between us hadn't counted, but suddenly it was a very big gap. Instead of the friend I always had been, fitting in, helping out everywhere and loved by all, I felt like the new kids in school, trying to make friends by sucking up to the teacher, or in my case, Mum.
Even when Mimi and Eve returned I still felt strange, as they were out a lot of the time, finding new jobs and apartments in Portland, and they hadn't been home for two days before they moved out again.
Jeremy returned August 16, and Joe the day after, but Joe had been offered a job in Boston and left as soon as he came and Jeremy was staying in the army, and after a weeks' rest, flew up to Fort Wayne, Indiana to be under the command of a Lt Col Burns. This I found hilarious, and let Jeremy in on a few dozen secrets about Ferret Face.
Then Chris came back, a shadow of his youthful self. The boy who was barely twenty seemed like a man of 80, and needed all the help I could give. He'd seen horrors worse than I had, but found some comfort in talking to me, as I understood the pain to a certain extent. The worst was yet to come though; he'd suffered severe damage to his legs, and they had both been amputated. He didn't have his knees, but he had most of his upper leg.
"Oh, Chris." I sighed as I helped him into bed that night.
"Don't feel sorry for me Annie." He whispered, his dark hair, like that of Lily's brushing my cheek as I bent to kiss him. "I did it for the country."
"Okay then, goodnight Christopher." I left the room, but even helping someone who needed me so badly didn't really make me feel anymore at home.
The next morning, I was up and about early, I felt great for being pregnant, and found I had plenty of stamina and bounce. Life was treating me pretty well in that aspect, even though I still felt like a stranger.
"Annie, can you help me finish my assignment? It's one for the summer, but it's a real hard book, but we kind of had to pick one that was special to someone we knew." That was Alice, and she called from the kitchen table.
"Sure, what is it?"
"A book report, Last of the Mohecans, I picked it because I knew Jack liked it. And there's a Hawk-eye in it too!"
"Okay Alice, sit tight, I'll just finish up here." I'd been making a cake, getting reunited with my kitchen skills that had fallen into disuse over the last two years.
"Annie, my ball in tee!" Grace tugged at my skirt.
"I'll be a minute Alice." I pushed the dishcloth down and found that her ball was in a tree in the backyard. Matt, who was playing with her had a broken arm, a result from falling from it, was unable to climb up and get it.
Swinging up onto the lower branches, I worked my way higher into it. I retrieved the ball, and on the way down caught my skirt, tearing the hem. I said a few choice words - in Korean - and left Grace and Matt playing with her ball in the garden.
"See, the book ending with Hawk-eye . . ." Lily had come in and started helping Alice. Watching her do something I so often used to do hurt me badly, and nearly brought tears to my eyes.
"Listen you two, Grace is in the backyard with Matt. Chris is gardening on the veranda with Jemma. I'm going for a walk." Chris and Jemma were out the front at a table. While Jemma sat on Chris's lap, the two planted something in a planter box and Mum had taken Nat into town for some reason. Lily I knew, was responsible enough to keep an eye on things, and even if she wasn't I would've gone anyway; I was just that desperate to get out of the house.
I left, and headed straight for the town. By the time I'd gotten right in the middle, I'd cooled off enough to courteously greet everyone who said hello to me. I kept walking, and finally came to Hawkeye's house, I hadn't seen him at all since the first day back home, but wasn't worried, we needed time to settle in before we signed the papers once and for all.
I went in their gate and ducked through the back fence. Taking the path he'd shown me almost two weeks before, I wound up down on the beach again, clearing my head.
"Hey you! I saw you come through our yard." It was Hawkeye, and he came up behind me, startling me.
"Yeah, sorry about that, I just had to walk." I replied, once I'd recovered from fright.
"Never mind, penny for your thoughts?"
"I don't feel at home here, it's not right, all of a sudden there's a big gap between us, it's like they learned to get on without me."
"Well Anne honey, they will do that." Hawkeye sat down next to me. "Dad's learned to look after himself even better than he could before, it'll be okay trust me, somehow, you'll find a balance. It might be just one day it all clicks, and they realise that you're still the same sweet Annie at heart."
"Thanks." I leaned into him for a hug, which he gave me warmly.
"Want to keep walking?" He asked with a smile.
"Yeah that'd be great." I kicked off my sneakers and we walked for miles in the sand. We walked right back to where my part of town met the beach, and by the end of the walk, I felt a lot better.
"Thanks Hawkeye, look I've got to go, I left Lily in charge. If you come up to the house, I can get you a drink. Oh, and I still have your mother's dress that Daniel lent me too." He walked up with me, Chris and Jemma were still gardening, Grace had tired of playing ball so she was asleep on the sofa, Matt was getting himself a snack and Alice and Lily were still studying the book.
"Last of the Mohecans, nice choice." Hawkeye took a peek at their work.
"We had to pick a book that was important to someone in our family. My big brother Jack used to read it." Alice explained while I ran and found the dress. "And my big brother-in-law has the nickname, which makes it extra special!" Hawkeye ruffled Alice's blonde curls fondly.
"Thanks Annie, I'll walk back alone, and remember, it will get better. See you round." He bent and kissed my cheek briefly and left. He'd made me feel better, but not better enough. I still felt out of place.
September rolled in and Mum decided she was going to go out on Patrick's boat, one day before school went back and left me in charge of Jemma, Nat, Grace, Matt, Alice, Lily, Chris, Mimi and Evelyn who had come to visit. That was great, I needed the work, and at three months pregnant, I felt up to it.
I was sitting in the living room, nursing a fractious Jemma, while Nat built with his blocks at my feet. Grace and Mimi were outside, while Chris planted some things on the veranda, Eve was sitting in the kitchen sewing and singing. I was also keeping an eye on Lily and her boyfriend on the front lawn, making sure they weren't getting too close. Alice was listening to a record, and Matt was somewhere not causing trouble yet.
Suddenly Jemma gave a hiccup and threw up all over my front, Nat took this moment to have his blocks fall down and start crying, while holding onto my ankle. Chris dropped a pot and it shattered on the ground, Grace fell over and began to scream while Mimi tried to shush her, Lily disappeared from view, Eve pricked her finger, and Alice and Matt began yelling at each other.
I peeled off my top and took Jemma and Nat into the bathroom, I managed to clean Jemma, soothe Nat, sort out Alice and Matt's fight via correspondence, fix Grace's knee, locate Lily and Tom, see that Eve was still alive, and get her to help Chris simultaneously. Chaos reigned, yet I'd never felt more at home.
Hawkeye was right, they saw that I was still Annabelle who had loved them and raised them, and after that it was A-OK, I was home again.
We got off the plane, and found our bags, Hawkeye didn't help me with them, but I didn't need it. I stuck close to him as we worked our way through the crowd, and I noticed with a smile, that the short skirt of my Class-A's, the brown high heels and shiny nylon stockings had men turning their heads as I passed them.
Suddenly Hawkeye grabbed my shoulder, pointing. I saw what he was pointing at; Mum and Daniel were waiting for us. I gave a nervous gulp as I saw them waiting together, of course, they expected us together, and they didn't know of the divorce, how could they? There hadn't been time to tell them. But when I saw mum, I got that excited, I actually grabbed, and held Hawkeye's hand as I towed him over to them, and he'd been the one to point them out in the first place.
"My Annabelle, is that really you?" Mum was staring, at me. I was different, I was dressed in my A's, which made me look older, and I was slimmer and more muscular than the last time mum had seen me. I was also wearing makeup to hide the black eye and I never wore makeup before Korea. My hair was longer too, and instead of the sensible bun I had always worn it in before Korea, It was tied in a high ponytail, and secured with a brown bow. I knew why Mum stared, she was comparing me to the little blonde baby she had given birth to 27 years before.
"It's me Mum." I assured her. Mum was different from the woman I remembered. Her face looked more relaxed and youthful, having found real happiness with Patrick, but her hair was looking more grey than blonde. She was plumper too, my mother had always been quite thin.
"Oh, Mummy!" I choked, wrapping my arms around her, I stayed quite still for a long time, crying onto her shoulder like a baby, and as her arms held me, rocking slightly, crooning soft, sweet words to me, I knew she was still my mother.
We stayed like that for quite a long time, it was a relief beyond all relief to hold her again, to feel safe in my mother's arms. I could tell she needed to hold me too, knowing that one of her babies would never be able to hold her again either, my brother Jack, KIA.
"Look at you Annabelle, you've got so strong." She gave my arms a little squeeze, feeling the muscle.
"Yeah, well I had to do a lot of work there, and after the POW camp, I really was made to build myself up again."
"Look at you, you're so strong!" She echoed, putting a hand on my abdomen, and her eyes widened suddenly. She knew what to feel for, she'd been pregnant many times over. "Annabelle Dawson, is there something you haven't told me?" I realised I'd never written home about the baby, there'd just been too much going on.
"Can we talk at home?" I asked. Mum agreed, and we decided to leave. Daniel was driving us home; he'd taken mum to the airport, so they could meet us together.
"Everyone's waiting at home to see you!" Mum turned around in the front seat and look at Hawkeye and I sitting in the back. "Rachael, Steve and Corey are coming for dinner tonight, and bringing Andrew, most of us will be together again. Patrick won't be there then though, he's out fishing till very late."
"Oh, that's great! And I get to meet Jemma and Nat!" My brother and sister were about 14 months old, and I had never once seen them. I spent the rest of the car trip in silent joy, while Hawkeye remained in anxious silence, he didn't know how to tell his father that the elation of having a daughter- in-law would be short lived.
"Here we are!" Daniel pulled into the driveway of a large white house, where most of my brothers and sisters milled in the front yard. Jeremy, Joe, Chris, Mimi and Eve were still in Tokyo or Korea somewhere, and Jack would never be there again.
I got out of the car, and for a few seconds, everyone just stared at me, to them I was a stranger. I waited, knowing that they'd approach me when they were ready.
"Annie!" It was Alice, my nearly 13-year-old sister. She ran to me, and threw herself into my arms. "Annie, I missed you so much! I love you Annie!"
"I missed you too, my Alice, it's so good to see you again. Look at you, you're so tall!" I kissed the top of her blonde head. Alice's warm welcome woke everyone up, and slowly, they all began to greet me; hugging, kissing, and crying. Even Matthew, now 8 and 'too big for hugs', surprised me with a hug, and told me he missed me.
"Annie, there's someone here who wants to meet you." It was my sister Lily, her beautiful black hair shining in the sun. She was holding two babies' hands as they toddled over the lawn my little brother and sister who I had yet to meet. They were beautiful, big brown eyes, soft brown hair, chubby dimpled features and matching blue overalls.
"Hello, I'm your sister." I bent down, and anxiously Jemma tilted her head up to Lily, looking for reassurance.
"Say hello to Annie," Lily let go of Jemma's hand and the little girl toddled a step or two and hurtled into my arms. I picked her up and swung her in the air, then I drew her close, and still shrieking with joy, she cuddled into my shoulder.
"Up!" Nat held his arms up to me and I lifted him as well. With a toddler in each arm, I made my way back to Hawkeye, Mum and Daniel.
"Mum, they're gorgeous, I suppose I should thank you for bringing them into the world Daniel."
"You should Annie." Daniel, slightly taller than Hawkeye, somewhat greyer, but otherwise identical smiled and tugged my hair. Seeing him do that, Nat gleefully took a handful of my hair and pulled it too.
"Ow, ow, Nat, let go honey, that's right." Handing Jemma to Mum, I disentangled his little fingers. Hawkeye was laughing, and I quickly put Nat in his arms. He looked surprised and then pleased.
"Hi there Sport, I'm Hawkeye, I will still be related to them right?" He looked at me.
"I guess so, we'll have to work that out." I replied.
"Annabelle, of course he will be, he's married to you." Mum said. Hawkeye and I shared 'now's as good a time as any' glance. I took a deep breath.
"See he was asking if he'd still be related, because we're getting a divorce, we only decided two days ago." Mum had put Jemma on the lawn and sent her toddling over to Lily. Hawkeye followed suit, and seeing something up, Lily herded everyone back into the house, leaving us room to talk on the front lawn.
"Annabelle Felicity Amy Jane Dawson! What in the world is going on?" Mum demanded.
"Benjamin! You've got some explaining to do!" Daniel ordered, and all of a sudden, we felt like two naughty kids caught doing something we shouldn't have. We explained what had happened, right down to the fight we'd had, and the injuries we'd caused.
"Oh, Annabelle, how could you? You were always so sensible in college!"
"Mum, I was drunk." I explained, as if that fixed everything.
"Annabelle! You never even touched alcohol before you went to Korea, what's happened to you?"
"Steady Alison." Daniel put a hand on Mum's shoulder.
"Mum, so much happens there, you can't even begin to understand it. No letter, no television documentary, nothing can show you how it is, no one can feel it, unless they are there." I said, "I had to change, I had to grow up. If I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to do what I did."
"Get drunk and ruin your marriage!" Mum burst out.
"No Alison, I may call you that? Alison, if Annie hadn't grown up so quickly in Korea, she wouldn't have been half as tough as she was, she would have died when she was in the POW camp. I don't know if you know but we had a Chinese soldier loose in the camp that grabbed her, if she hadn't been so damn tough, she probably wouldn't have got away from him." Mum was getting upset, but Hawkeye kept going.
"If Annie didn't come to terms with the real world as quickly as she did, she might never have saved the patients that she did, might never have been half the nurse she was. There are so many more good things in Annie growing up so quickly, like having your grandchild."
"Annabelle! You're having my grandchild and you didn't tell me!" Mum hugged me tightly.
"No jeep accidents now!" Daniel laughed, clapping his son on the shoulder. "Son, I'm very sorry to hear you're divorcing, and I'm even more sorry to hear why, although it probably is for the best." Daniel squeezed his shoulder, and then kissed the side of my head. "Whatever happens, you know I'll support you."
"I'm disappointed Annabelle, but I will be there when you need me. I guess this means you're coming home again right?" Said Mum at last.
"Yes, I am, I hope you have a room." I said hopefully.
"You and Alice can share a room for a bit I think. I'm not sure what will happen once you have the baby though."
"I'll find something, but for now I just want to get settled at home again." Daniel and Hawkeye had to go, and I kissed them both on the cheek. They left, both wanting to settle in at home again and catch up.
"Come on in sweetie, " Mum led me inside, and showed me around the house. It was just as beautiful on the inside as it looked on the outside. After a tour of the house, all the attention of my siblings got too much and I took a walk into the town, as we lived just on the border.
"Annie! What are you doing here?" I walked right into Hawkeye who was positively beside himself with joy as he met everyone for the first time in three years.
"Came to clear my head, if I have Lily ask me another question, I'm going to go nuts!" Hawkeye took my hand, in the warm way that two friends would, palm against palm.
"It's a bit much isn't it after nearly two years?" He asked, as he led me through the town.
"A lot too much. I'd forgotten what having so many siblings was like. Where are you taking me?"
"You'll see," He let me in the front gate of the home that he shared with his father. It was a small two-bedroom place that Hawkeye had grown up in.
"Through here, come on, don't worry about your uniform, you won't be needing it any more." Hawkeye pulled back a paling on the high wooden fence. I slipped through and gasped. Hawkeye's backyard faced right onto a park.
"You think this is good, come on." He took my hand again and led me through a path and some trees. As we went downhill the trees cleared and we were on the beach, the sun was setting behind us, and the waves pounded on the shore as the tide came in.
"It's beautiful Hawkeye,"
"I used to come here all the time, thought it might help clear your head, it always helped me."
"Thanks for bringing me." I replied, taking in the sights.
"There's a pier about two miles that way, just behind the lighthouse." He was pointing, and showing me things, I felt myself relaxing.
"Thanks Hawkeye. I needed the break, what's the time?"
"I don't know, where's your watch?" I'd taken my watch off at home.
"Never mind, I've only got to be back for dinner." I slipped my shoes off and walked in the sand. Walking in nylons was dissatisfying and so when Hawkeye turned his back, I took them off too, enjoying a walk in the waves. Hawkeye joined me, and we walked along the beach, talking about things we'd have to sort for the divorce.
Suddenly a wave washed in, knocking me right off my feet. Hawkeye was laughing when another waved dumped on the shore, soaking me from head to toe and winding up with me screaming in terror.
"Annie, get up, it's okay, let's go." Hawkeye was pulling me to my feet. "Look we're out of the water now, you'll be okay. It's okay." I thought I had pretty much gotten rid of my fear of water after swimming with BJ that day on the beach, but the sudden wave scared me.
"I'm okay, it took me by surprise, and after Meg and all . . ." I trailed off shivering.
"Come on, I'll take you back up to the house, Dad can get you dry." My uniform clung wetly, and I was shivering, even though it was a warm evening.
"I can't bother you, I'll just walk back." I protested as Hawkeye let me in the back door.
"Anne! What happened to you?" Daniel heard us and came into the kitchen where I dripped on the linoleum.
"A wave got her." Hawkeye explained from the laundry where he was finding me a towel or two. "Here." He handed me a towel and I wrapped it around myself.
"Thanks Hawkeye" I took off my jacket and rubbed my hair. "Is that the time? I'm supposed to be home in ten minutes to meet Rachael!" I glanced at the clock, and realised a lot more time had passed than I was aware of.
"Don't worry Annie, I'll ring your place and let them know you're here." Hawkeye soothed.
"Come with me. I'll find something for you to wear, you're about Katharine's size." Daniel led me into the bathroom and closed the door; I'd dried, stripped and wrapped myself in the towel by the time he returned.
"This should do you." He held up a peach coloured dress, although old- fashioned it was beautiful.
"Daniel I couldn't." I protested.
"Nonsense! Now hurry up and dress, I'll drive you home, you'll make it if you hurry." He left again, and I dressed quickly. When I appeared, Hawkeye gave me my stockings and shoes and ushered me out to the car.
"Thanks Daniel." I smiled at him as he dropped me off outside my home.
"Anytime!" He smiled. I went inside, Rachael, Steve, Corey and Andrew hadn't arrived yet. That was okay, as it gave me a chance to neaten my bedraggled hair and reapply makeup to the bruise.
When I remerged, they'd arrived, and the first thing Rachael did, aside from kiss both my cheeks soundly, was to push a small baby into my hands.
"Meet your newest niece Abigail Anne." Rachael informed me proudly, looking at Rachael, and at Abigail, I guessed I hadn't been told of Rachael's pregnancy.
"She's two weeks old, we didn't tell you because we knew you'd be home in time to see her, we just knew it." Rachael beamed.
"Oh, Rachael, she's just beautiful." I smiled. After gushing appropriately over how much my nephew Corey had grown, and greeting my brother Andrew, we sat down to dinner.
I felt really out-of-place, normally at mealtimes I was helping two or three little siblings eat, and making sure everyone else ate while I barely sat down, but I was the one who everyone was making sure had some food. Even giving Abby a bottle in the middle of the meal didn't help, and Mum refused my offer of help cleaning up after.
"Belle, what's the matter?" Rachael asked as I put Grace to bed that night.
"I'm just used to practically running the place, it's odd not having that anymore. And Mum's just refusing to let me help too. I always used to help at dinnertime, I miss it."
"See, Belle, Mum thinks you've grown out of that, like you don't want to anymore. She told me about you and Ben and BJ. She also told me about why you and Ben are divorcing already. She thinks you're too grown up."
"But I'm not Rae, I can't think of anything I'd really rather do than help out, and be who I was before Korea."
"I'll go down and talk to Mum okay?" Rachael offered, and gladly I accepted it. Mum and Rae had a long talk before she, Steve, Andrew, Corey and Abigail went home.
"Goodbye Aunty Belle." Corey gravely shook my hand. He was a big boy now, and at 30 months thought he was already too big for hugs. I guessed he'd been spending too much time around Matt.
"Annabelle, can I have a word?" Mum asked later that night as I tucked Alice into bed. She and I were so close, not even Mum could come between us.
"Sure Mum, goodnight my beautiful Alice." I joined Mum in her room. Jemma and Nat still slept in cots there, and at the moment were sound asleep.
"Rae told me, you want to help out more." She began.
"Yes, I do. I miss everyone needing me so much."
"Love, it's part of being a mother, you learn that your babies grow up, and don't need you, and even go to Korea. Some never come back. But if you want to help with Matt, Grace and the twins that's fine with me."
"Thanks Mum, look I'm dying for nothing more than a good night's sleep so if you don't mind, I'm going to go to bed." A bed had been put in Alice and Lily's room for me. It was a smallish house, and Alice and Lily shared a room, while Grace and Matt had their own rooms, which would soon be occupied by the twins.
"Goodnight Annabelle." I went to bed, and slept very soundly, the peace of the quiet Maine night, and the warm comfort of a real bed worked wonders.
Mum kept her word, and allowed me to help wherever I wanted, but I felt out of place, so much older than my little siblings. When I had lived around them, the 11years or more between us hadn't counted, but suddenly it was a very big gap. Instead of the friend I always had been, fitting in, helping out everywhere and loved by all, I felt like the new kids in school, trying to make friends by sucking up to the teacher, or in my case, Mum.
Even when Mimi and Eve returned I still felt strange, as they were out a lot of the time, finding new jobs and apartments in Portland, and they hadn't been home for two days before they moved out again.
Jeremy returned August 16, and Joe the day after, but Joe had been offered a job in Boston and left as soon as he came and Jeremy was staying in the army, and after a weeks' rest, flew up to Fort Wayne, Indiana to be under the command of a Lt Col Burns. This I found hilarious, and let Jeremy in on a few dozen secrets about Ferret Face.
Then Chris came back, a shadow of his youthful self. The boy who was barely twenty seemed like a man of 80, and needed all the help I could give. He'd seen horrors worse than I had, but found some comfort in talking to me, as I understood the pain to a certain extent. The worst was yet to come though; he'd suffered severe damage to his legs, and they had both been amputated. He didn't have his knees, but he had most of his upper leg.
"Oh, Chris." I sighed as I helped him into bed that night.
"Don't feel sorry for me Annie." He whispered, his dark hair, like that of Lily's brushing my cheek as I bent to kiss him. "I did it for the country."
"Okay then, goodnight Christopher." I left the room, but even helping someone who needed me so badly didn't really make me feel anymore at home.
The next morning, I was up and about early, I felt great for being pregnant, and found I had plenty of stamina and bounce. Life was treating me pretty well in that aspect, even though I still felt like a stranger.
"Annie, can you help me finish my assignment? It's one for the summer, but it's a real hard book, but we kind of had to pick one that was special to someone we knew." That was Alice, and she called from the kitchen table.
"Sure, what is it?"
"A book report, Last of the Mohecans, I picked it because I knew Jack liked it. And there's a Hawk-eye in it too!"
"Okay Alice, sit tight, I'll just finish up here." I'd been making a cake, getting reunited with my kitchen skills that had fallen into disuse over the last two years.
"Annie, my ball in tee!" Grace tugged at my skirt.
"I'll be a minute Alice." I pushed the dishcloth down and found that her ball was in a tree in the backyard. Matt, who was playing with her had a broken arm, a result from falling from it, was unable to climb up and get it.
Swinging up onto the lower branches, I worked my way higher into it. I retrieved the ball, and on the way down caught my skirt, tearing the hem. I said a few choice words - in Korean - and left Grace and Matt playing with her ball in the garden.
"See, the book ending with Hawk-eye . . ." Lily had come in and started helping Alice. Watching her do something I so often used to do hurt me badly, and nearly brought tears to my eyes.
"Listen you two, Grace is in the backyard with Matt. Chris is gardening on the veranda with Jemma. I'm going for a walk." Chris and Jemma were out the front at a table. While Jemma sat on Chris's lap, the two planted something in a planter box and Mum had taken Nat into town for some reason. Lily I knew, was responsible enough to keep an eye on things, and even if she wasn't I would've gone anyway; I was just that desperate to get out of the house.
I left, and headed straight for the town. By the time I'd gotten right in the middle, I'd cooled off enough to courteously greet everyone who said hello to me. I kept walking, and finally came to Hawkeye's house, I hadn't seen him at all since the first day back home, but wasn't worried, we needed time to settle in before we signed the papers once and for all.
I went in their gate and ducked through the back fence. Taking the path he'd shown me almost two weeks before, I wound up down on the beach again, clearing my head.
"Hey you! I saw you come through our yard." It was Hawkeye, and he came up behind me, startling me.
"Yeah, sorry about that, I just had to walk." I replied, once I'd recovered from fright.
"Never mind, penny for your thoughts?"
"I don't feel at home here, it's not right, all of a sudden there's a big gap between us, it's like they learned to get on without me."
"Well Anne honey, they will do that." Hawkeye sat down next to me. "Dad's learned to look after himself even better than he could before, it'll be okay trust me, somehow, you'll find a balance. It might be just one day it all clicks, and they realise that you're still the same sweet Annie at heart."
"Thanks." I leaned into him for a hug, which he gave me warmly.
"Want to keep walking?" He asked with a smile.
"Yeah that'd be great." I kicked off my sneakers and we walked for miles in the sand. We walked right back to where my part of town met the beach, and by the end of the walk, I felt a lot better.
"Thanks Hawkeye, look I've got to go, I left Lily in charge. If you come up to the house, I can get you a drink. Oh, and I still have your mother's dress that Daniel lent me too." He walked up with me, Chris and Jemma were still gardening, Grace had tired of playing ball so she was asleep on the sofa, Matt was getting himself a snack and Alice and Lily were still studying the book.
"Last of the Mohecans, nice choice." Hawkeye took a peek at their work.
"We had to pick a book that was important to someone in our family. My big brother Jack used to read it." Alice explained while I ran and found the dress. "And my big brother-in-law has the nickname, which makes it extra special!" Hawkeye ruffled Alice's blonde curls fondly.
"Thanks Annie, I'll walk back alone, and remember, it will get better. See you round." He bent and kissed my cheek briefly and left. He'd made me feel better, but not better enough. I still felt out of place.
September rolled in and Mum decided she was going to go out on Patrick's boat, one day before school went back and left me in charge of Jemma, Nat, Grace, Matt, Alice, Lily, Chris, Mimi and Evelyn who had come to visit. That was great, I needed the work, and at three months pregnant, I felt up to it.
I was sitting in the living room, nursing a fractious Jemma, while Nat built with his blocks at my feet. Grace and Mimi were outside, while Chris planted some things on the veranda, Eve was sitting in the kitchen sewing and singing. I was also keeping an eye on Lily and her boyfriend on the front lawn, making sure they weren't getting too close. Alice was listening to a record, and Matt was somewhere not causing trouble yet.
Suddenly Jemma gave a hiccup and threw up all over my front, Nat took this moment to have his blocks fall down and start crying, while holding onto my ankle. Chris dropped a pot and it shattered on the ground, Grace fell over and began to scream while Mimi tried to shush her, Lily disappeared from view, Eve pricked her finger, and Alice and Matt began yelling at each other.
I peeled off my top and took Jemma and Nat into the bathroom, I managed to clean Jemma, soothe Nat, sort out Alice and Matt's fight via correspondence, fix Grace's knee, locate Lily and Tom, see that Eve was still alive, and get her to help Chris simultaneously. Chaos reigned, yet I'd never felt more at home.
Hawkeye was right, they saw that I was still Annabelle who had loved them and raised them, and after that it was A-OK, I was home again.