Lately I've been thinking about what's going on with Calzona and all that jazz, and today I got a little inspired and wrote this, I hope you like it. This is my first Calzona fic.

*I don't own Grey's Anatomy or its characters

*All mistakes are mine

Find A Way

They weren't happy…at least Arizona wasn't happy.

She wanted to be happy –she really did, but it was hard when you had one leg and people looking with pity and fake compassion in their eyes, whispering behind your back.

They acted like they understood, like they knew how it felt to lose one leg –and lose yourself in the process.

Arizona didn't know who she was anymore.

Could she be a surgeon with just one leg? Be on her feet –foot –for God only knows how many hours? Could she save a life? Could she bear with the guilt if she failed to save one, two or more kids?

Could she be a friend? Would she manage to ignore the anger (and hurt) when people complained about their problems, tiny and trivial problems like a break up or how a dress doesn't fit? They didn't know a thing about problems; they shouldn't be able to complain for something so stupid.

Could she be a mother? She didn't know; what if she was never able to calm Sofia down after a nightmare? How would her daughter realize how much she was loved when Arizona couldn't chase her around the park, play with her until they got tired of running?

Could she be a wife? Would she be able to forgive Callie? Could she get over Callie's eyes full of pity, guilt, sadness and hurt every time she turned away from her, flinched when Callie's hand came near her stump or stop feeling her heart clench every single night, when she heard Callie's silent sobs when she thought Arizona was asleep?

How would she show Callie she loved her? After all, actions speak louder than words, right? Would Callie be able to look at her, focus on her –instead if her missing leg –while trying to make love? What if Callie was repulsed by the mere sight of it?

She didn't want to dwell on the coulds and shoulds, she just tried.

Arizona tried to be the doctor, friend, mother and wife everyone needed, ignoring all the pain, hurt, anger and sadness that she felt, hiding her feelings and silencing her complaints in the darkest part of her brain, pretending to be all right and happy, pretending to be who she was before the plane crash happened.

And everyone was happy. Alex got back his (friend) mentor, the hospital got back one of its best surgeon, Sofia got back the mother she once knew and Callie –Calliope got back the wife she fell in love with.

Arizona thought that by making everybody else happy, she'd be happy again; but it never worked.

She still felt people's gazes when she walked through the halls, sensing people's pity when she lost her balance, trying (but failing) to hide their worry behind their masks when she winced a little after being standing too long; she heard their voices every single time she closed her eyes, and not even Callie's arms wrapped around her kept her safe from the voice, from the pain caused by something that wasn't there anymore.

She stopped feeling sexy and pretty, confident and strong; but that's what everyone saw –the old sexy, confident, pretty and strong Arizona Robbins, a good man in the storm –because she gave them what she knew they wanted to see…

…That's why her cheating on Callie was something that nobody (not even her) expected.

Arizona would like to say it was a mistake, but deep inside her she knew it was a choice.

She chose to cheat on her loving one, the one who stayed and never left her side; she was disgusted by the choice she make, by herself; but when Lauren had looked at her with desire and lust swimming in her eyes when they flirted, Arizona felt like the old Arizona.

And it felt so good, intoxicating and addictive.

Because when Callie stared at her, she felt Callie seeing a shell of herself instead of feeling love and desire; and more often than not, Arizona thought that Callie stayed out of obligation, sometimes forgetting to be Arizona's wife and being Arizona's doctor instead.

Was Arizona still in love with her wife? Of course she was, but in the darkest and coldest hours of the night, when her demons came out to play and the nightmares haunted her, she doubted Callie's love for her, often wondering why Callie had stayed after how awful she treated her.

"She doesn't love you"; "She feels guilty"; "She pities you" the demons would whisper into her ear every time Callie smiled at her, that same smile that made her fall in love with her wife all those years ago, the same smile that still made her fall a little bit more for her.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, it all became too much, and when the storm happened, it was as if Pandora's Box was opened.

Arizona cheated on Callie. She had betrayed her wife, the love of her life. She broke her vows and in the end, her family. She was the only one to blame.

And while shouting at Callie, after the truth had come out, yelling all those things she didn't mean, words that were fueled by anger and sadness and desperation, Arizona realized how broken they really were; but they could be mended, right?

She was (almost) sure of it.

She would apologize, grovel and beg on her knees if she had to, she would gain Callie's trust and love again, she'd do everything in her power to woo her wife, to mend her family. She'd find a way to make everything all right, to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

They'd be okay, they had to be.

But as she entered the cold and empty apartment, and realizing her wife and child were gone, she wasn't so sure of it.