Emma… A Little Altered.
An unnecessary re-write.
Emma watched as Mr. Knightly and her father played a game of backgammon after supper with very little enthusiasm. She was inconceivably bored of late, with her governess having become Mrs. Weston she no longer had a companion to while away her evenings with and was left to the company of her father and their long-time friend.
While their company was stimulating it was not to be fully enjoyed by a woman of one and twenty and therefore left her to her own devices and without the motivation to find employment without companionship led her to introspection in place of activity. She was not so sure she liked to be so self-aware as she had become of late, those failings that Mr. Knightly often chastised her about were far more obvious to herself now that she had time at the end of the day to reflect upon her actions during it.
There was of course her new friend Miss Smith but it was a rare thing for them to be in company of an evening. Harriet was truly lovely and unusually sweet for someone out of society and Emma often wondered what had happened to her temperament to make her own so faulty by comparison. Sure Harriet was not the most witty of her friends but she was truly one of the most artlessly kind and her openness often put her to shame.
The only thing truly lacking for the young woman was connection in society and that was something that Emma was attempting to solve on her behalf. Though making a match was not strictly necessary for the solution it was the easiest and happiest way to bring about her purpose.
Yet so far her attempts had ended rather badly, one could even call them disastrous. Mr. Elton had turned out to be a man unworthy of Harriet despite his higher standing and her dismissal of one Mr. Martin was considered equally as foolish when she heard that he was thought of rather highly by Mr. Knightly.
Mr. Knightly of course had seen through her from the very start and had cautioned her against her attempts to bring the two together and it was only at the end that she could see the foolishness of the beginning. She wondered if she ought to only do things if they gained his approval first, it might save all her friends a great deal of trouble.
Her quiet contemplation was interrupted as Mr. Knightly gave a slight twitch, the corner of his lips turning upward as he watched her father make his next move. It was this sign that let her know that the game would be over soon and that Mr. Knightly would be the victor on this particular evening.
Comfortable conversation flowed between the two men as the game continued to progress with many secret smiles on the half of Mr. knightly. He almost always won these games and she couldn't help but marvel at his ability to still find interest in their company after all this time having spent so many dull evenings in this pursuit. Yet despite finding many a fault in her and knowing her father's ill humors so well he continued to come to visit most evenings and always with the appearance of having enjoyed their company.
"Ah poor Miss Taylor. She came to visit today and she would have been far happier had she have stayed." Mr. Woodhouse lamented for possibly the tenth time that evening.
"But what a pleasing life she must have looking after her own home." Mr. Knightly replied easily. There was a quirk in his brow that told her there was more to be said on the matter but that he was holding his tongue. His eyes met hers briefly and they shared a look of amusement before he was drawn back into discussion with her father.
A discussion that she would have followed more closely had she not been distracted by the smile now in place on the face of Mr. Knightly. While his lips had been twitching all evening this was the first real smile of his visit. She wondered that it caught her attention so well, that she noticed Mr. Knightley's smiles.
Mr. Knightly was a gentleman, in fact there were few men who could claim to be as much of one as he. He was friendly to all, full of polite gestures and polite smiles but there was something special about this particular smile, a fullness of feeling that did not just turn his lips but changed all his features.
He was a handsome man of good character and though he was many years her senior he bore those years very well, becoming more distinguished as the time passed. He had been present in her life for as far back as she could recall and was one of the few people of whom she could stand to receive advice. His opinion, outside of her father and Mrs. Weston, mattered most to her. There was little that he did that did not interest her and the conversation that they shared were always of unending information. He was her intellectual equal and kept her well entertained whilst sharpening her wits.
Yet there was something more to him that stirred within her feelings that she did not understand nor acknowledge. Feelings that were far more than what one feels for a long time friend. Even the way he sat before her now, how he was stretched out in a comfortably careless way that he only employed when alone in their company, made her admire certain aspects of the man that were not ladylike to contemplate. He was a man in every sense and she found that it was something that set him high above all other men in her acquaintance.
Emma did not notice until much later that her appreciation for the mans smile had quickly turned into appreciation for the man himself and even then she did not acknowledge the level of appreciation that her thoughts took her to.
It was a beautiful day, though perhaps unseasonably warm and Emma was rather enjoying the view from where she sat. She had never been to Box Hill despite living nearby all her life and the purpose of the trip had been to cure both her boredom and her wanderlust though now that she was here she was sure that it had done neither.
The planning of the trip hand been mostly taken from her hands at Mrs. Elton's self-invitation and had left her with little in the way of things to do when she had previously thought herself to be quite busy in those leading weeks. Instead she had been left to her usual visiting and her somewhat self-imposed loneliness and now that the day had come instead of enjoying the company of her friends she was wondering at what lay beyond the next hill and if when she got there there would be another in the distance. She was sure Mr. Knightly would know.
She was brought out of her thoughts, having once again been contemplating the different smiles of Mr. Knightly and how well traveled her was, when Mrs. Elton once again determined to dominate the conversation, called her attention to the picnic laid out. A picnic that Mrs. Elton had largely prepared herself.
"You are pleased with you meal Miss Woodhouse? I don't pretend that I am a great cook myself but my friends tell me.." She blocked her out to look around the circle of friends that were gathered at Box Hill. The Eltons were there of course, as was Frank Churchill, and the Westons, Jane Fairfax, Miss Bates and Miss Smith. And she could not forget Mr. Knightly.
As Mrs. Elton became louder in her opinion and less inclined to listen Mr. Churchill tried to divert everyone's attention in his own way. "Shall we play a game?" He stated the rules (One thing terribly clever, two things moderately clever or three things very dull indeed.) and once again paid special attention to Emma.
It was something that had become more frequent in the past months and she could not help but grow more uncomfortable as the time past. She could understand his attentions, he had been giving them since his first coming to Highbury but could not help but think them inappropriate for between them was no understanding and she did not wish for one. She had long had realization of her indifference and did not want false indication given of it by his pronounced attention and her own forced response, though society and politeness made her receive it she was rendered most uncomfortable and unwilling. So upon his making her the center of the game she immediately attempted to divert them elsewhere.
"Perhaps Miss Smith would be a fairer judge for I wish not to be left out of such a game. Am I not a wit myself.." perhaps her friend could receive his attentions more heartily then herself. Despite her near constant reflection and attempts at self-improvement she had not wholly given up her hopes to find a match for Harriet. She had failed so terribly before that she felt obligated to make it up to her and while Frank was not to her own taste it may not be so for her sweet friend.
From there it was a point of gaining agreement from the remaining party and finding something witty to say in order to entertain when it became ones turn. Harriet and the Westons quickly agreed to the little game as did Miss Bates.
"At least I can rest easy. 'Three things very dull indeed' that will do for me. I'm likely to say three dull things as soon I begin to speak." Miss Bates smiled timidly at them all obviously looking for their laughing agreement of her statement.
A reply was already on her tongue but Mrs. Elton beat her to it.
"Perhaps we should have set the limit higher than three Miss Bates." Oblivious to the shocked response to her statement she continued on. "I do not pretend to be a wit, like some, but I have enough vivacity in my own right. Though of this I must be excused, it is all right at Christmas around the fire but when one is out of doors their time ought to be better employed. Come along Mr. Elton."
There was a brief silence where everyone aside from the leaving couple, watched Miss Bates as she digested such cruel words. It was clear the moment that her words sunk in because Miss Bates began to stammer.
"Oh.. I see what she means. I must be very disagreeable compared to the society she is accustomed to." She looked down unsurely picking at her gloves, understanding the situation in a way that Mrs. Elton could not.
Emma could not believe her eyes, those of supposedly good society saying such things with little care to someone who already suffered from their contempt. Whose position was so far beneath their own that in their position as members of the clergy should have earned their compassion.
She was filled with disgust for both them and herself, all of their treatment was not what it ought to have been.
Sorry for what she had witnessed and disappointed that most of the others had continued on with the made up game, she moved to Miss Bates side. "Well your society is well good enough for me Miss Bates. Come, we shall go for a walk together."
She was ashamed that she had thought such ill things towards her friend in the past, a woman who had known her all her life, who was truly harmless and whose situation was so unfortunate. She may be a little simple but she had far less opportunity and education then Emma, whose wealth afforded her a great many things that were far from the grasp of Miss Bates. With this new realization she found compassion for the older woman and determined that she would be greater use to her in the future.
She was walking home after having visited the Bates home, considerably lighter than when she had gone in. She had left them a basket of vegetables and a leg of lamb and had ended up staying two hours in company.
Harriet was elsewhere today and she was alone on her walk but content because she now had time to contemplate without distraction. Mr. Knightly had been on her mind an awful lot of late, dancing with him at the recent ball had awakened her to something that she had not previously thought (or rather allow herself to admit).
Always Mr. Knightly had been a friend, someone she could rely on for advice and companionship but now she felt that perhaps she wished for something different. She was still young and when she looked upon her life she realized that while she had done a lot of match making she had never thought to look for someone herself. Always she had been content to think of being an old maid, she could look after her father and her wealth and position would not make such a thing shameful. So she had never looked upon anyone with that kind of affection yet there was something about this man that she had known her whole life that was beginning to grow her and change her view of Mr. Knightly.
Where once she looked at his particular charity to the poor as a something to attribute to the good character of her friend now she looked as something to admire about a man. He was well spoken and a man of good council, a gentleman among gentlemen. He showed true caring and there was little that was beneath his notice because he was a man of details. He was diligent with all his work and when it came to charm, he had it in spades.
All of this as well as the fact that she now noticed him as a man left her in quite a state. She was suddenly unsure how to act in his presence when before she had known her own mind well. He was her first fancy and the more that she thought the more she realized perhaps it was already far beyond fancy alone.
Emma was brought abruptly from her thoughts by the very object of them. Mr. Knightly was walking his dogs coming along a lane that would join her own path back to Hartfield. She had to stop herself from stumbling when she saw him and very nearly embarrassing herself.
"Good afternoon Emma." He said with easy familiarity and a warm smile that almost completely distracted her from what he spoke.
"Mr. Knightly, what a pleasant surprise. Are you walking to Hartfield?" They had stopped along their path to greet each other and needing something to do with her hands she knelt play with his dogs.
"Yes, it is a warm afternoon and I had thought to share with you some news." They began to walk again, having established a common goal for their steps.
"You do know how I like news." She replied with a grin.
"Mr. Churchill has left once again for London, his aunt has passed." He watched her carefully, looking for she knew not what but her reaction to this seemed to be very important to him.
"Well that is very sad news indeed. There is nothing so sad as losing one's relative." She said slowly, while trying to muster any true sympathy on the matter. As of late she had been trying to better herself, to bring herself to truly care for others and while her efforts had been mostly successful to this point, on this matter she was completely stumped.
"Do not worry. I'm sure he will not be kept away for long." He looked as though the words had left a bad taste in his mouth but why that she should be so, she did not know. Perhaps he did not like Mr. Churchill..?
"Well I suppose not and Mr. Weston will glad of it, I'm sure." She said absently, still wondering at his apparent dislike for the topic and then with a little more interest, "Have you spoken to the Elltons recently?"
"No and I am glad of it. Never have I seen such snobbery in members of the clergy. Even Miss Bates whom she mocks has better breeding." He seemed relieved at the subject but also quite disappointed in what he had seen at Box Hill. "However, I am proud of how you handled the matter."
"I am not.. I cannot deny that I have many times thought along similar lines to Mrs. Elton." She looked down, ashamed of herself. She had not wanted Mr. knightly know of this but she could not bear to hear him praise her when she too had been in the wrong. He had always had a more accurate view of her than most and it did not feel right to deceive him about such things.
He looked at her as if seeing something especially interesting about her today, as though he had discovered something new and when he spoke it was not condemnation that was uttered but a thing of pride. "I admit that this does not surprise me. It is clear to those with sense that her character is unusual but it is not my point of praise that you would see only the good. No, it is that you would see the fullness of it all and not belittle her for it. Emma, unlike Mrs. Elton you did not speak such thoughts aloud. You have seen the good and the ridiculous in her and have left it unsaid in favor of giving her the charity that your station obligates and her situation deserves. In that you have shown her true kindness."
She looked up at his smiling face and felt that in this one thing he approved of her completely. He had often humbled her where it concerned her treatment of others and he quite clearly disapproved of her efforts concerning the coupling of others but in this one thing he did not find fault.
That night Mr. Knightly behaved most unusually. He seemed absent minded to the extreme. Twice she caught him staring out at nothing and at dinner he knocked over his wine glass not two but three times. He was a man usually eloquent in speech but all night he seemed unable to find anything of particular intelligence to say and it all made her wonder what on earth could be the matter..
She did not know that he had been staring at her as often as he had been staring at nothing and she was completely unaware that he had been thinking of her instead of watching what he had been doing. The fact that he had been terribly distracted was obvious but she had no idea that she was the cause.
The oddness of the evening came to a finish with him suddenly declaring that he was leaving for London to visit his brother. "There is a delicate and confusing matter that I wish to speak with him about."
He wasn't looking at her when he spoke and in fact he hardly said a word to her in the way of goodbye. He left so abruptly that even her father noticed the strangeness of his behavior but he ultimately put it down to looking after his health. After all one wouldn't have to walk home late when it was already so cold out.
Emma however, was no so easily appeased and came to the unhappy conclusion that it was somehow her fault. How could she not come to this end when he had acted so coldly to her as he left?
That night she found herself unable to sleep and spent hours dissecting everything that she had said in order to find whatever it was that she had done to offend him but no matter how long she spent in thought she could not come to any solid idea. There had been nothing out of the ordinary in her speech of actions save perhaps her reactions to his oddity and even then she had made sure not to inquire too heavily about the matter.
She was out of sorts for the next week, unable to retain a train of thought for very long if it did not include Mr. Knightly. So bad was she that it even got to the point where she was unusually clumsy and half-witted. Everywhere she went it was clear to all that spoke to her that her mind was engaged elsewhere.
For their part her friends thought that this was due to the absence of one Frank Churchill and corresponded with each other accordingly. Many a letter was passed round concerning the matter and quite a few came to the conclusion that there would be another wedding shortly after he returned to town which was as yet an unknown date.
These rumors were only put to rest when a letter was received by Mr. and Mrs. Weston concerning a much different engagement.
"Frank wrote to us just yesterday." Emma was having tea with Mrs. Weston and after having caught each other up on their respective lives moved on to the news of what was happening in town.
"Oh yes, is he well?" Her reply was as absent minded as ever but Mrs. Weston paid it no mind, far more worried about her reaction to what she was about to tell.
"He is engaged.."
"So soon..?" She was definitely paying attention now. Surely he had not become engaged to someone he had met in town whilst attending his aunt's funeral.
"I would not call it soon, apparently he was engaged before he came to Highbury. It was kept secret because he knew his aunt would disapprove of the match."
"Who is the lady?" It did not take much to realize that it was not Harriet and she now wondered at who she could possibly set the poor girl with…
"Jane Fairfax." Mrs. Weston was looking at her carefully, gaging her reaction to such news. "They met through a mutual friend and have been together since.. We were not as happy with the news as we could have been.. mostly because we feared your reaction."
What followed this was a rant not quite befitting a lady but honest to her feelings none the less. She told her exactly what she thought of Frank Churchill and conclude with an assurance that she was not at all hurt by his slight.
"How could I be wounded when he is not the one I desire?" She finished reassuringly.
Mrs. Weston looked at her sharply. "There is another?"
Emma was stunned to silence for a moment. She had just carelessly told her deepest secret, her innermost desire and while Mrs. Weston had been her confidant for many years she had not thought to tell this particular notion to another living soul so long as she lived. But now she had hinted at it there was nothing to be done, for her friend would be satisfied with nothing less than the whole of it.
She played with her gloves, using them as a distraction from the seriousness of their conversation. "Yes." She tried to plain about it while still maintaining the secret that was so close to her heart.
"Oh dear we had all thought you in love with Frank. This is wonderful news, who is he?" Mrs. Weston wrapped an arm around her, smiling all the while.
"Someone that could not degrade themselves so much as to love me in return." She wanted no more of it. She knew the impossibility of her circumstance, though society considered them equals and age was often vast between married couples there was still no hope that Mr. Knightly could possibly see her as anything more than a disobedient child.
"Nonsense Emma, you are a catch to any level of society.. Unless.. You do not mean that they could be already married?" This last part was said unsurely, as though it was the only option but one that she did not wish to think of.
In her shock at her friend's assumption she forgot her worry for a moment and blurted out the full truth of the matter quite unintentionally. "Last I was aware Mr. Knightly was far from married!"
She clapped her hands over her mouth, shocked by her own admittance. If it ever had to come out that was not the way she would have wished it to.
Mrs. Weston was for her part shocked as well. Never had Emma given her any indication that she was at all partial to the man outside of friendship. A friendship so old that even she had not been there to see its beginnings but now that her eyes had been opened she wondered that she had not thought of the match before herself, for the pair seemed almost perfect for each other in all aspects aside from their nearly constantly being at odds about something.
"Emma! I had not even thought.. but now that you have told me who he is I don't believe the situation to be half so difficult as you suppose."
It was then that Mr. Weston made an appearance clearing eager to see her reaction to the union of his son and Emma did not disappoint.
"How happy you must be.. and what a match well made!" She exclaimed rising to greet the husband of her dearest friend.
She paced the length of the drawing room, unable to sit still any longer. The last day since her visit with the Westons had been far worse than the week before. It was almost as though finally admitting the thing out loud had made it all real and that combined with his continuing absence caused her to be far more agitated than ever before.
She needed a walk.
The only trouble was that she was just as unhappy in the open air as she had been tucked away at home. There was nothing that could distract her for more than a moment at a time. Even when she passed the Eltons home she could not even muster up the interest to wonder what they were up to since that ill-fated picnic.
She thought about Mr. Knightly and she thought about him some more. She thought about how she could never hope to win him and how one day he would probably marry another. This thought led to the conclusion that she could never be happy allowing such a thing to take place. That she would be far happier if he were to never marry at all. In fact she was sure to be almost satisfied with that.
Almost.
Oh, who was she fooling? Certainly not herself. In all honesty she could never be happy with anything less than being his wife. Something that she had thought never to become. For some time she had been determined to be an old maid, unmatched but making many matches among her friends and with her luck it still might come to pass now that she no longer wished it to.
She was so lost in her own thoughts that she did not realize that there was anyone else nearby until she ran right it into them. There was a moment of imbalance before they both toppled over, Emma landing sprawled across the other person as they had twisted midair in order to take most of the impact.
"So terribly sorry, I did not see…"
She was making apologies before she had even lifted her head but stopped abruptly when she had raised herself enough to see who it was she bumped into. Mr. Knightly looked back at her with an amused grin even if it was a little pained.
"Emma.."
"Mr. Knightly! I did not know you had returned." She attempted to sit up as she spoke but his arms which she had not even realized were around her, did not loosen, keeping them pressed together where they lay with legs all tangled.
"Yes, only just. I was on my way to visit you.. your father.. that is." He smiled nervously. "Are you well?"
"Quite well."
There was a beat of silence where they only smiled at each other before they realized that they were still lying on the ground where they had fallen. What followed was an embarrassed scramble to get to their feet and out of the others arms.
"Are you alright?" He asked quickly as he offered her a hand up.
"Very well thank you. I just hope you have not been injured by my clumsiness." She began to dust off his shoulders and arms without thinking about the inappropriateness of such an action. Only when he grasped her hands to cease their movements did she realize what she had been doing and pull them back to herself.
She was sure that her cheeks were a vicious shade of red but there was nothing to be done about it. She had acted on impulse and silliness could not be taken back.
"No, I'm not hurt." He murmured looking at her in a way that she did not understand at all. No one had ever looked at her like that.
Silence surrounded them once more only this time it was not an awkward silence but a heavy one. Either way it made her equally uncomfortable and she sought to break it.
"I was just on my way home."
"May I join you?"
"Of course."
Their conversation was even more uncomfortable than their silence and left her at a loss as to how to fix it. There had always been an easiness between them before and now within a few brief moments it appeared to have gone completely.
"There has been some news while you were gone.." She said to distract herself.
"What kind of news?" He replied sharply, appearing worried for reasons she could not guess.
"Wonderful news. A marriage between Jane Fairfax and Mr. Churchill, would you believe it?"
"Frank Churchill and Miss Fairfax… but I had thought.. t-that you and he.. I am terribly sorry Emma." He looked so upset about it that she had to smile, trust him to worry about her so.
"There is nothing of which to be sorry. He has not injured me." She smiled at him reassurance.
"I am most glad." And he looked it to, as though this piece of news about her person was far more important than she thought it ought to be.
"Has there been any news from town?" She asked her usual question of him when he had been gone away for some time hoping that it would ease them back into the familiar.
"Nothing of importance."
"And did you resolve the matter that you went to London to discuss?" She tried again.
"Not quite… but I think that perhaps you might finish the matter for good." He stopped walking and turned to look at her, gathering his courage. "You see I have fallen in lo…"
"Mr. Knightly, perhaps you would do better to seek the council of my father. I am not qualified to offer any kind of hope in resolving such a matter." She cut him off mid speech, talking rather louder than was necessary in the hopes of masking her uneasiness and knowing that she was being abominably rude but unable to bring herself to listen to such a confession when her heart was still so tender.
"Do you not see that it is not council I seek but something far more valuable?" George was looking at her in a way that spoke of something far from merely asking advice from a dear friend concerning a matter of the heart. No! It was not speaking about the matter so much as being the matter itself.
She froze hardly daring to hope that he spoke of…of her.
"Y-you do not mean..?" Emma was almost beside herself, this was far beyond the bounds of her wildest hopes. If only it was true.
"You, Emma… I mean you. I have fallen in love with you, my dearest friend and I had thought that you were in love with another. I now know that not to be true but still I do not know how you..." He paused and took a deep breath seeming to have run out of energy, before continuing on quietly. "It would make the happiest I have ever been if you- if you would tell me that I have some chance to win you."
Emma stared, her breath caught in her throat, completely unable to respond to what she had thought she would never hear. Mr. Knightly who had known her since she was born, who had watched her play in the mud and trip over her dress hems. Who had watched her through the awkwardness of growing up and the ridiculous ideas of love and friendship. The same Mr. Knightly who had chastised her so many times for her strong will and ill-temper had just told her that he was in love with her.
He was all that she had thought about for weeks, her feelings for him were despite her young age fully mature due to the length of friendship and her affection had a depth that was unseen in those who had not been given a long courtship at the very least.
And now he stood before her, offering his love and she had no idea how to reply.
As her silence lengthened his expression turned from one of suppressed hope to bitter disappointment. "… well it was no more than I expected." He whispered as he took a step back. "You were always just that something more.." He smiled sadly, taking another step away, this one more aware.
It was his backward movement that finally spurred her into action and before she could think about the inappropriateness of her actions she was wrapping her arms around his neck with her face buried in his shoulder.
"George." She whispered and there could be no mistaking the smile in her voice even if he could no longer see her face.
It only took a moment for his arms to wrap around her in return and suddenly she was spinning, her feet off the ground and Mr. Knightly was grinning at her like she had given him the world.
"There is but one thing that could make me happier and that would be for you to become my wife… Emma, my dear, sweet Emma."
His name was spoken again though this time far more intimately as she expressed herself in a way that women violently in love were want to do.