A/N: This is a sequel. Do not read this if you haven't read Choosing My Side, Sophia Lupin's Story because it won't make sense. Thank you.
He was dead; Albus Dumbledore was dead, and I had assisted my cousin Draco in doing so, yet not ten minutes later been with Harry and the others mourning him. In retrospect, I realize that I have done worse since then, but at the time, it was the most horrible thing I had ever done in my seventeen years of life. Still, my first taste of blood, my first role in a murder, had been a few months before, and now it was August.
It had been over a year now since my father and Sirius died at the ministry. The pain then had been pretty intense, but it was eased by this time. Remus, who I now called Dad, had taken on the role when I truly needed him, even adopting me legally. It was such a miracle when he stopped lying to my cousin Tonks and himself and finally admitted his feelings. Their dating stage was quick; soon, they were married, and I found my step-mother to be my cousin, which was, I admit, a little awkward.
Not only had Dad and Tonks fallen in love last year, but I had, too. Except, no one besides he and I knew it. We chose to keep it a secret for multiple reason, but the best one being that Dad and his parents would basically have heart-attacks, and then his entire family would form a red-haired mob and attack me; I had fallen in love with Percy Weasley.
Despite being a Death Eater double-agent, life seemed okay. With all that had happened, the only thing really bothering me was that my re-occurring dreams had returned, but this time, they were different. I would see my father, mother, and Uncle Sirius as ghosts (Hollywood fake ghosts, not actual ghosts like the ghosts at Hogwarts who were actually quite nice), and they were surrounding my, flying about as fast like quicksilver and moaning my name. Their circling would move around me, but each lap got closer to me, so I walked forward with them as my guide. Finally, I stood over a picture of Dumbledore, who, also a ghost, rose from his portrait to look me in the eye. A single tear would escape his eye and run down his long nose. Afraid, I would spin around to find Bellatrix behind me. She would see the fear in my eyes and turn away like she would be merciful and leave me alone, but then she would spin back around, wand drawn, and mutter those words. And then I would fall for what felt like forever.
And I would wake up screaming. Dad would run in every night without failure except once. So it went all summer, but at the end of summer, it ended. However, this ending was not for the reasons he expected.
It was the last day of August. Dad came into my bedroom to say goodnight, and the clock read 11:16. His smile was classic, his eyes brighter than they had been last year. Even with the Dark Lord on the loose, he now had something to keep him going that he didn't have last year: Tonks.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed, pondering so many things on my own. After all, Mad-Eye Moody had died perhaps a month before, along with Harry's owl, Hedwig. On that night, Harry and eight other Harry look-alikes, including me, had moved him to a safer location. The plan had originally been for Dad to take George as his "Harry", but Juliet and I showed up at the last second demanding part, and so we switched; I went with Dad and Julie went with George. As it turned out, George ended up losing an ear. It was shot off by Severus, both he and Julie claimed. And so this is what I was thinking of; I was deciding whether or not we had truly lost Severus.
"Hey, have you packed yet?" he asked abruptly, breaking my thoughts and turning back to me as he had been exiting. He had already completed the nightly routine of following me to my room, straightening my blankets (neat freak), and kissing my cheek in a most father-like manner.
"Packed for what?" I asked, honest puzzlement present in me. It crossed my mind that I hadn't told him, but that, I thought, was impossible. In a moment of silence, I blinked three times.
"For school, of course," he replied with a chuckle, "Tomorrow is September first. The Hogwarts Express is coming. Did you forget?" Dad's eyes glazed his daughter, me, as if amazed at how stupid I could be to forget the date.
"I could have sworn I told you," I started slowly, looking at the floor because I was afraid to look into his eyes. Mustering up all my courage, I faced him directly. "Dad, I'm not going back to Hogwarts."
"What?!" Dad sputtered, "But you-! You have-! What about-!" When he finally found the words, they came out explosively. "You have to go back! You have dreams! What about your future?!"
"I can go back after the war is over, Dad," I said calmly, still making the eye-contact even as my own eyes began to beg for the release of my tears. "But not now. With Severus-" I swallows the lump in my throat that came from saying his name. "With Severus not assisting the Order anymore, I'm needed. I can't help from school, Dad."
"But Sophia, you don't have to assist the Order!" said Dad, "You're still just a girl! A girl who should be in school at that!" He glanced at the things of mine that were in fact much more orderly than usual. "What's that for if you have no need to pack?"
"I do need to pack, Dad," I said hesitantly, biting my bottom lip; even though I could have sworn I told him I wasn't going back, I knew I didn't tell him about this. "I'm, uh, moving out."
"Oh, no you're not," he added quickly and loudly. "There is no way you can live on your own, especially in a time like this! Voldemort" - I cringed at the name - "is high in power as he ever was before! There is no way you can handle all of this on your own!"
"Of course I can!" I defended, "I'm capable of caring for myself! I'm not just some child that needs attending to! Why do you treat me like one?"
"Because you are one, Sophia!" Remus said without thought, "You're not as grown as you seem to think! You're only seventeen, and you've constantly got your head in the clouds! And when have you ever had to care for yourself?"
Fury boiling inside of me, I shot back, "I've been caring for myself since I can remember! Think back, Remus! Four years old, Mum dies! What happens then? Dad decides instead of two jobs, he could work three! And all of the other children in the house from Mum's orphanage! They were paid more attention than I was! I was the orphan, not them! Not any of them!"
"Sophia Lily-Joanna Lupin!" Remus gasped, then angrily scowled. "Don't you dare say such rubbish! Your father tried damn hard to give everyone his everything! And you had plenty of people around who cared for you, myself included!"
"What the bloody hell is going on in here?!" Tonks demanded as she stormed her way into my room. She glared demandingly from Dad to me to him again.
"Nothing," I growled bitterly. Tired of fighting, I pulled my blankets up to my neck tightly and rolled over to the side that made my back face her and Dad. "Goodnight," I added with finality. Angry and disappointed, Dad left the room. Confused, his wife followed him. Upset, I closed my eyes and fell asleep. However, the nightmare came quicker that night, and when I woke up screaming, it was only three in the morning.
Still angry about how I was being treated, I decided I would pack that very moment. An old suite case with my mother's initials, S. V. B., was sitting in the floor, so I grabbed most of my things and shoved them in tightly. When it wouldn't close, I remembered I could use magic, and with a flick of my wand, it all fit. Though I was not really crying or even upset, a few tears fell down my cheeks and unto the wooden floor because, though I wouldn't admit it, I was afraid. My suitcase floated behind me, and when I stopped to glance in the master bedroom, it bumped into the back of my leg. They were both asleep. Tonks had her arms around him like she was still afraid of him deciding she was better off without him and leaving. Dad was snoring loudly. I knew it was wrong to leave in the middle of the night like this, but it just seemed like what I had to do. With a small wave I whispered my goodbyes and hoped that when they woke up, Dad wouldn't be too mad. It was sad that my only thought would be if he was angry or not, but that was what it was.
Once I was down the road, I spun around as a shocked scream rang through the air. It was dad, no doubt. He had probably woken up feeling terrible about what had happened and came to see if I was awake so we could talk it out. Oh well, I thought. no going back now, and I kept on walking.
It was about an hour later when I realized that I had no idea where I was going. The sudden realization made my heart sink like the Titanic. It crossed my mind that I could go to one of three places; my options were the abandoned Grimmwauld Place, Malfoy Manor (also known as Death Eater Headquarters), or Percy's apartment. Thoughtlessly, I chose the latter.
It was a matter of seconds before I was outside of his door due to apparation. My suitcase had stopped floating as I was lacking the energy to keep the spell constant, and it wasn't until this time that I realized I was still in my pajamas. Poised to knock, I chose not to. Instead, I went back outside to calm an undesirable craving.
- There are many things that I am not proud of in my past. One of them is this "craving". It began during that summer after my father and Sirius died, over a year ago. This craving itself is something I chose to entirely leave out of my last tale for the joy of the reader, and I pray that the reader not think any different of me for it. -
To fill the craving, I pulled a lighter from one of my pockets and a small, cardboard box from another. The materials inside of this box were embarrassing and unspeakable, and by the next few sentences, the reader can infer what they were. I used the lighter to lit this material, which made it glow a moment and smoke, and I held it to my lips. Then I inhaled.
During that dreadful summer, I had, unknown to Severus, snuck out almost every night. On those nights I had managed to become involved with some muggles, muggles of the worst kind. To them, I was Mania Josh-Pois, an alias I created by skewing the order of my then-name, Sophia Jamison. I had done everything to make them accept me, (wear my hair black and in my face, use thick eyeliner, and even wear "their kind" of clothes) all to forget what had happened and who I was. Sometimes, it worked. Sometimes, it didn't.
It didn't matter what the reason, I knew. Smoking was bad; it was as simple as that. But I did it anyway. Then I went back to Percy's door and pounded viciously. As I didn't notice when the door began to open, I continued to pound until a voice said, "Ouch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry!" I explained in earnest. "I didn't see the door open-" Most likely, I would have gone on had I not been interrupted. But, of course, this kind of interruption was a very welcomed however unexpected kind; this kind of interruption was his lips smashing into mine. "Well, Percy!" I giggled, sounding fairly drunk. Still giggling, Percy grabbed my hand and pulled me inside so the neighbors wouldn't be woken.
"What are you doing here?!" Percy asked. "Not that I'm not thrilled that you are here. It's just that it's four-thirty in the morning!" His expression changed remarkably as his voice grew serious and monotonous. "Professor Lupin is going to kill me."
"No he's not," I said through odd giggles that must have been caused by his un-Percy-like spontaneous actions. "He doesn't know I'm here. Percy, I just.. got up and left" - I snapped my fingers - "like that!"
"You ran away?!" Percy half-cried, and he cringed at the very thought. After all, Dad didn't know about us, and if he found out, he would have a reaction. If he had a reaction, he'd come see Percy. If he came to see Percy, he would most likely do something regrettable.
"It's not running away!" I said defensively, " I'm seventeen, Perce. I told him I was going to move out, anyway. I just did it a lot sooner than he was expecting." After a moment of silence, I ventured. "Can I live here?"
Percy, who happened to just have taken a drink from the coffee mug that was sitting on the table, promptly sprayed the room black. "What?!" he gasped, and I pushed the palm of my hand into my face; I had forgotten how perfectly traditional Percy had been raised. In a normal home, the order is so: courtship, engagement, marriage, living together.
"Can I live here?" I repeated less boldly, then burst into a whipping tornado of words. "I promise to stay out of sight of your neighbors so they don't think you've got some" - I muttered an unrepeatable word - "living with you. If I have to leave, I'll go at night or something." I concluded this request like all requests tend to end: "Please!"
"But what if our families find out?" Percy reasoned, "It wouldn't be very secret anymore. My mother would bombard you, and you're father would rip me limb from limb, which, I must say, wouldn't be very good for either of us."
"You're cute when you're worried," I smiled and stole a kiss or two. "But sometimes, you worry too much. They won't find out. If I see them and they ask where I'm staying, I'll just say I got my own apartment. If they ask to see it, we simply hide your stuff and you get lost for the night." To re-affirm my point, I pouted playfully.
"Hmm.." he pondered, his index finger and thumb lining his jaw thoughtfully. "I just don't know.. Is there anywhere else you theoretically could go?"
"Grimmwauld Place, which is lonely," I frowned, "Or Malfoy Manor, which is swarming with Death Eaters and danger. Come on, Perce, I'm already unpacked." This statement he found to be true as he glanced at my empty suitcase.
"Well, I suppose so," Percy said finally, "Just for a few weeks." Instantly, I stretched my arms around his chest in a tight embrace. His own arms wrapped over my own shoulders, surrounding me in his warmth. After kissing the top of my head, he added, "Now, come on, it's five in the morning. You go lie down. I have to get ready for work."
Most likely, I would have whined, but I was exhausted. After trudging down the short hallway, I collapsed into his bed and entered what some might have called a coma. It would have been an actual coma, I think, if I hadn't been dreaming that dreaded nightmare, but this time, it was different. Instead of Bellatrix killing me, Percy came to my rescue and saved me from the awful beast I was forced to call my aunt. Then his arms would hold me tightly. A smile crossed my lips on my still-sleeping body.
When I woke up, it was nine in the morning, and the sun blinded me through the curtains. Percy had placed my things next to the bed, and inside, I heard an irritating buzzing. I opened the bag and pulled out the source of the buzzing, my two-way mirror. Thoughtlessly, I looked to it, forgetting that Dad was the owner of it's mate.
"Sophia, thank God!" Dad gasped at my sight. Part of this gasp was in shock, but I expect that my messy, freshly slept on hair contributed ever so slightly. His eyes scanned the background behind me. "Where on Earth are you?! Are you all right?!"
"I told you I was moving out," I replied simply, a shrug confirming my lack of enthusiasm. "You didn't believe me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling rather hungry." After placing the mirror face-down on the end table and beginning to exit the room, I could hear the muffled voice of Dad shouting my name behind me. I kept walking; I didn't care.
After careful examination of Percy's refrigerator and cupboards, I found there to be absolutely no junk food in the entire apartment. A moment of thought led me to the decision to, firstly, go to my favorite pub, the Hogs Head, for a drink and maybe something to eat, then, secondly, go to Malfoy Manor. I would end my trip by stopping in at the Burrow with whatever information I could manage from the Death Eaters.
Apparation was a miracle in my life, and using it, I entered Hogs Head. The owner served me what I asked for, a couple slices of toast and a butter beer. (I was the only one I knew who could drink that stuff first thing in the morning.) Honestly, I preferred the Hog to the Three Broomsticks because it was much less crowded. When I stepped outside, the few people who had dared to exit their homes made a mad dash into the nearest building. It had, it seemed, gotten out about that Mark on my arm. Shrugging, I apparated to Malfoy Manor.
Once there, I knocked on the door once before it swung open and I, without moving a muscle, literally glided in, only stopping once in front of the Dark Lord himself.
"Where have you been?!" he demanded. "You're supposed spying has brought us nothing new! Were you not with them the night Potter was moved?!" His snake-eyes pierced through me, taking my breath away.
"I was, My Lord," I blundered. "But they seem to not trust me at the moment, what with me being with your other servants when the old lunatic Dumbledore died. I didn't know it was commencing until about half a minute before we moved."
He hissed in a high pitch, sending my, and all the others in the room's, hands flying up to cover ears. "Excuses, with you, Black! Excuses!" The Dark Lord refused to call me by any name "unworthy" of his mission, and so therefore called me by my mother's maiden name, Black. "You must be unaware of what my servants are expected to complete! Demote yourself to Death Eater apprentice! Now go! Fetch Severus and tell him he is to teach you the ways of a real Death Eater!" Instantly, I did as my master commanded, though I didn't know what I would do if I found him.
When I did find him, which was a few minutes later as he wasn't that far from the Dark Lord, Severus was talking to Aunt Narcissa, who was apparently still falling over herself to thank him again and again for assisting Draco.
"Severus," I said calmly, walking up to Aunt Narcissa and he, "The Dark Lord has bestowed upon me the lower rank of Death Eater apprentice. He wishes you to teach me the ways to be as loyal and faithful a servant as you."
"S-Sophia," Severus stumbled, certainly surprised at my sudden appearance. "I shall do so, if it is the Dark Lord's wishes." He eyed Narcissa suspiciously, then focused back on me. "Perhaps we should begin else where."
"Certainly," I agreed. He apparated us to some place that I had never seen before. There was nothing above our heads, no ceiling, no overhang, nothing. Around us in an extremely large watermelon shape was solid stone, but below us was soft, green grass.
"Sophia, what are you doing here?!" Severus demanded, and for a moment, just a moment, before I remembered what this man who I had loved and deep down still did love had done, I saw a flicker of humanity in his eyes and heard the concern in his voice. But, as I said, it was only for a moment.
"I am a Death Eater, Severus!" I replied bolder than intended. Perhaps it was hurt and perhaps it was agony, but the pure defiance in a voice that sounded foreign despite it being my own was enough to make my ears ring. "I am-"
"We both know you are not!" he hissed, skewing my words with his own in an event commonly known as interrupting. "You are not loyal to the Dark Lord! You are loyal to Dumbledore and Potter, and you should get yourself out!"
Salty tears stung my eyes and released themselves from my capture, and I was stricken numb for a moment. As the tears blurred my vision, I used all of my force, which actually was a lot considering my size, to shove him aggressively. "I don't know you, Severus! One moment you're Dumbledore's man, an amazing god-father. The next you're this super-Death Eater, willing to give anything to his master! And now you think you're some bloody saint who cares about me and speaks of only protecting me?! Who are you?!"
After maybe ten agonizingly long minutes of awkward silence, during which anger and hate filled the air between us, air that was once filled with fatherly-daughterly love and respect, had past, Severus spoke clearly and with finality. "I am Severus Snape. I am your godfather," - the next words caught me completely off guard. - "and I love you. I only want the best for you." With what might have been a smile had this man not known so much hurt, he added, "Sophia, I think of you as more than my goddaughter. You are virtually my daughter, and, hopefully, you are my friend."
Speechless, my mouth opened involuntarily and slightly, but slowly my jaw dropped farther when I realized the seriousness in his words. When I finally found words, they came out explosively again, each like it's own firework. " 'Severus Snape, beloved godfather and Death Eater'? It doesn't work together like that, Severus! And I couldn't get out even if I wanted to! I'm far too far now to go back, and the Order needs me, what with you gone!" My eyes pierced him angrily as I spat out six simple yet demanding words. "Are you with us or not?!"
Severus turned his head away coldly and unintentionally dramatically. The melancholy feeling this conversation brought up was clearly mutual. "I am not sure who 'us' means," he said finally, "but your father trusted me enough to appoint me your godfather, and I am forever with you." Another moment slid by in silence. "Do you understand?"
"No, Severus, I don't understand in the slightest," I admitted honestly, "But that doesn't matter. You are to be teaching me how to become a better Death Eater, so let's hurry with the learning." I knew he didn't want to, but he had to, as it was orders from the Dark Lord. And, I thought, he can't disobey his master no matter how much he claims to love me.
"Sophia, how do you expect me to train you to be a proper Death Eater when you'll report everything I say to the Order?" Severus asked simply, and a small sigh escaped when he did so. My eyes suddenly grew huge in my head.
"So you are on the Dark Lord's side!" I accused bluntly, "How could you, Severus?!" My accusations clearly cut him deeper than anything knife or sword could have. Slightly afraid my words would break him and he would go off the deep end, my hand twitched towards my wand, which I had strapped over my black jeans to my right thigh.
"It is not as simple as that," he replied wearily, his face weighed down with concern, affection, worry, and at the same time, with ambition, expectation, and anxiousness. At this moment, he looked much older than his time; after all, he was still a young man, in his thirties, and he should have had much more spring in his step. He could have had this spring if the Dark Lord had never risen.
"How can it not be so simple?!" I demanded, frustrated; I couldn't believe how inappropriately indirect he was in his responses. "You're either with the Order or against the Order!"
"Now you're beginning to sound like the Death Eater side," he pointed out. "The Order does not say 'it is with us or against us'. As for sides, I sincerely wish I could tell you more and revive your opinion of me while still possible-"
"You're dodging the question," I cut in quickly. "How can it not be so simple as to be on one side or the other? There are clear difference, clear lines, between the sides! It's even simpler than first-year potions."
"The lines are blurring," Severus said, once again quite coldly and looking away from me. "There are no clear lines anymore, Sophia. Now, for today, that is my only lesson. Go home, back to Lupin."
"I no longer live with him," I said equally coldly. "As he and Tonks married this summer, I felt it necessary to move myself out. That combined with the fact that I'm seventeen now and will be eighteen this winter, that is."
"I see," he said slowly, "So, may I ask, where are you quartering nowadays?" The casualty of his voice nearly brought tears to my eyes as the memories of what once was, how we once were, flooded back into my mind, memories that I hadn't seen in while because I had blocked them out.
"I haven't got someplace of my own yet," I sighed, "But I'm staying with-" I paused, thinking of a good term. Instead, I just added, "a friend of mine. It's only for a few weeks."
"Which friend?" he asked impatiently. "I ask only because, depending on the person, it could affect how much the Dark Lord trusts you. He will pick up on something if it's suspicious." His eyes scanned me cautiously, most likely wondering who it was for other purposes. I expect he was also pondering if the "friend" of whom I spoke was a female or male.
"I am not at liberty to discuss it," I teased. "It's a secret between him and I. I guess you'll never know." Testing my luck, I winked suggestively. I shall never forget the half-disgusted, half-murderous expression on his face for as long as I live.
It was a truly confused, over-protective, blank stare. After a few moments of silence, I was unable to control myself and burst into a side-splitting laughter. Severus's expression stayed fixed exactly the same, which caused my laughter to increase. It puzzled him, and even me, how I could go from angrily shoving and tears leaking out both eyes to laughing so hard that tears were flowing again but for completely different reasons.
Once my laughter subsided, I consulted my watch to find it to be later than I had expected; around four P.M. I said goodbye to my godfather, who I still wasn't sure whether or not I would, or could, trust like I used to again. Just before I disapparated, he smiled at me, a real smile, one that I had never really seen, and told me again he loved me. As he had never said it much before that day, I wasn't really sure it was true or if he was just trying to lure me into trusting him again. In either case, away I went, back to Percy's apartment.
So as not to reveal myself to the neighbors, I apparated directly into the apartment. After I got there, I remembered that he wouldn't be home until six as he had to work a twelve-hour day. Bored, I collapsed onto his couch and flicked on the television, but shortly after, I could hear my little mirror buzzing from the other room. Almost scared, I answered it as my fingers trembled.
"Sophia, when are you coming home?" It was, unsurprisingly, Dad. He seemed upset, and he was nearly begging me to return. His eyes looked drained, and his face was especially pale.
"I'm not, Dad," I said, but, of course still concerned, turned the tables. "Are you all right? You look upset." And he did, in fact, look upset. Something about him screamed sorrow.
"Well, you see, uh," Dad stumbled, desperately searching for words. I heard giggling in the background and a faint, "Let me talk to her!" I smiled as the voice got what it wanted; it was Tonks.
"Wotcher, Sophie," Tonks beamed, much happier than Dad was. Her bright pink hair was contagious, and, unconsciously, my hair matched hers. "Guess what!"
"What, Tonks?" I asked, thinking game for whatever it was Tonks would throw out there. Little did I know what she would reply.
"I would like to state," Remus injected, "That I have no idea what on Earth she's talking about as she wouldn't tell me until you could hear, too." Tonks grinned widely and opened her mouth to speak.
"I'm pregnant," she squealed happily. Her large grin faded a little as she looked to Dad, now out of the mirror's view, who was seemingly on the floor. "Remus? Why did you fall down?" Then she turned back to the mirror and giggled to me. "He's passed out! Our little macho man."
I was extremely thrilled for my dad and Tonks to have their own baby on the way, and yet I was just a little scared. The timing wasn't great as their was a war commencing around them. But, still, a little miracle of life would be brought into the world in just a few short months, and a lot had to be done in preparation. It wasn't until I had turned the mirror off and promised I was on the way when the real realization struck me; this child would, technically, be my new little sister. (I had decided it was a girl.)