The Avengers: The Romantic Initiative part 3

Subterranean Caves

They shred like paper. Tony and Steve were sent solo to wipe out Mole Man's brigade of mud people. Stark was busy repulsing them his hand blasters, as they hardened and shattered with additional punches. Captain America realized they operate under a hive-mind so he dashed up the hellish landscape and knocked out the feeble Mole Man with a swift boot kick.

Normally, Iron Man and Captain would suffer a battle rage. All their anger and pain would be converted to a relentless assault. However, since they official coupling, the two couldn't stop smiling. It was almost inappropriate for Stark to be so happy as he ripped the mud people's arms from their bodies and proceeded to beat the mud people with their own arms.

Captain would normally use this chance to practice fighting with these scrubs. But he wanted to go back to Tony's mansion, cook a nice steak dinner and watch a James Cagney movie with his boyfriend. So Captain, channeling all his strength, pivoted his abdomen and threw his shield with all his might, decapitating all the remaining mud people.

Meanwhile

Thor cleared his room with frying pan sized fists. He was in another rage. How could Jane do this to him? How could this sweet woman, a woman he'd dote on and give everything up for, do this? She had just gotten pregnant by some dancer she just met. And now she's marrying him. How could she be so rash? After years of methodical work and innocence, to be unceremoniously taken by some cheap performer was the worst offense of all. A male dancer? Why didn't she just run off with a male prostitute? Because that's what he basically was. A trained monkey who danced for nickels. She looked at him with her Harvard educated eyes, and told him she fell in love and the pregnancy was planned. A clear lie.

Thor's hammer smashed everything in the room, from lamps to the bed itself. He tore the room asunder. He wished he could've told her to go back to her homemaker whore mother but he was too stunned by her revelations.

He was about to smash his S.H.I.E.L.D. given, cell phone but it buzzed. His eyes were almost too watery and hurt to read it, but he strangely comforted by the screen: "Text Message from SIF."

Stark Manor

Tony's Iron Man armor played Mr. Mister's "Broken Wing" as Captain America slowly uncorked a champagne bottle. They were on the balcony of Tony's mansion, the moonlight provided a heavenly glow. The music enchanted the both of them. It was a hard day's work and now it was time to play. Tony looked deeply into Steve's eyes. They knew this moment was all theirs and the night would heavy with physical passion. Steve was mesmerized as Iron Man strutted himself towards him, his eyes fueled with raw magnetism. They were both about to be sexual juggernauts in a sensual onslaught of each other.

SUDDENLY! A web shot out of nowhere, hitting the champagne flutes out of Captain America's hands.

"Now, that's what I call a sticky situation!" yelled a cocky Spider-Man.

"Oh. My. God" Tony said with the utmost shock. Captain, confused, had to speak up.

"Peter, what are you doing-"

"-saving you from this dreadful night?" chimed a smarmy wall crawler, "listen babe, I just got a goddam key to New York. Kind of a hero to the people but I stay humble nonetheless. I SAVED the Brooklyn Bridge. Ever heard of it? Throughout my career I faced a number of ups and downs, but I soldier on. Much like how you did the same in World War Two. Steven Rogers, I am officially tossing my hat into your ring."

"Peter… look. I appreciate your honesty and I think you're a helluva superhero. But I will NEVER leave Tony."

"I get it, you guys know each other longer and he works with you, which is convenient. But trust me, office relationships never work out. Especially with a 1%er."

"Hey, I paid for your Aunt's heart surgery!"

"LOOK Steve! He couldn't wait to brag about that and rub it in my working class face. We're both good ol'boys from Brooklyn."

"Wait… aren't you from Queens?"

"Same borough! Look, how many years does that alch-y have? You need someone young. Must be hard having to be with someone without super strength, am I right?"

Captain stood silent. He didn't want to give Parker the satisfaction.

"Peter, I think you need to go," said Stark, as politely as possible. He wanted to show Steve he was capable of the high ground.

"Love never has to go. Captain, you and I were made for each other. He may shower you with expensive gifts and his fancy Avengers memberships, but I can offer you so much more. "

"That's it, HAPPY!" Stark yelled out. His chauffer, Happy Hogan hopped up, armed with a broom, "there's a bug in my room."

Happy Hogan, a grown man in a suit then proceeded to jab Spider-Man with his broom as Parker inched his way off the balcony to avoid Hogan's attack.

"When you want a real man, Steve, you know where to call. Hey, watch it Hogan, you're just a glorified doorman!" Spider-Man then leapt off the balcony and swung back into the city.

The night was ruined by a crazed and jealous web-head. Steve loved Tony, but he felt bad for Spider-Man. He almost admired his boldness. But the kid needed to be set straight.

Spider-Man sat in the corner of his apartment, lurking devilishly.

"Soon, not only will I have a place in Roger's heart but in the Avengers as well! HAHAHAHA!"

Reno desert

The Hulk with all his stamina kept running. It was effortless to him; the wind in his green face didn't even register to him. He just kept going with one focus: kill the man with the arrows. The harsh desert air made it all seem so pleasant.

Hawkeye stood in the middle of the desert with his bow and arrow drawn. He had 2 minutes to just stand and think. He thought back to his heroes like Clint Eastwood. He was nameless in so many movies. He wondered if he did his job wrong. Too many people know his codename. He shifted the thoughts aside and began to focus. He pulled back on the bow and tranquilizer arrow.

Hulk stormed past the vast desert landscape, he realized all too late that his speed began to decline. His eyesight began to go and before long he collapsed and tumbled down on the ground. The transformation began as the green muscled mass slowly shrank into an unconscious naked scientist.

Hawkeye smiled,

"oh, Bruce… I love you the way you are."

S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier

Iron Man just dropped the remaining aliens into the holding tank as Captain washed off the purple blood from his abs from the cleaning station. They walked down the hallway intent on meeting with Fury for debriefing.

Spider-Man suddenly leaped up out of nowhere.

"Oh, so you guys work here too?"

"Parker, I know for a fact that Fury won't hire you" said an annoyed Stark, trying to keep the high ground.

"I challenge you, Tony Stark for the hand of Steve Rogers!"

"I am not some dame, to be won in some sort of freakish carnival test of strength. And Peter, what happened to you and Mary Jane?"

"Babe, cramped my style. Couldn't handle how I roll. Luke Cage says hi by the way…"

"Challenge accepted!" Stark yelled as he speared the kid down the hall. Suddenly agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. came from their stations to watch the brawl.

Stark picked up Spider-Man by the leg and swung him into a wall like a sack of laundry. Spider-Man quickly recovered and used his strength to kick Stark's knee bringing him down. Spider-Man then shot webs into Iron Man's eyes, punching him as he staggered backwards.

Iron Man then used his hand repulsors to fire random blasts as he swung his arms blindly. The blasts hit several walls and almost a few agents. Spide-Man just nimbly backflipped and effortlessly avoid the blasts, Captain shielded himself and few agents in an effort to not start a body count. Iron Man then just ripped the web from his mask's eye piece and decided to teach this kid a lesson.

"All those Manhattan high rise parties made you slow, Stark!"

"Beats slumming it in Queens, you Hipster whore!"

"I liked photography before it got cool!"

Spider-Man then shot connecting webs to Iron Man's limbs, tethering him to the narrow hallway. He was tied down with his arms and legs stretched out by the webbings. Spider-Man slowly walked toward the helpless Stark, strutting and laughing. Parker was a mere inches away from Stark gloating.

"Not so tough n-"

Stark head-butted the kid and knocked him unconscious, it was too fast even for his spider-sense to register in time.

Captain cut his lover lose.

"You fought for me."

"Always will," smiled Stark, knowing their relationship was going forward into a brighter future.

"What in god's name is going on in here!" yelled Nick Fury, "Not only are you two NOT in my meeting, there's damage to my base, webs everywhere, and an unconscious teenager on the ground."

"For the record, he made us late" chimed Stark.

Agent Coulson picked Spider-Man up from the ground.

"You'll come back to me Steve! Tony Stark is a fondue eating moron!" said a groggy Peter Parker.

"I was never yours."

"That's enough out of you, bug-boy" said Coulson as he silenced the uninvited guest, pushing him down to the hanger for transport.

"Drop him off 80 miles from his house and take away his web-shooters" ordered Fury.

To be continued.