Chapter 1: ROMANO

Spain Kisses Me For the First Time Ever, or, if you prefer, A Pasta-Flavored Octopus Sucks My Face. It is everything I ever wanted in life.

Warning for prolific swearing and deliberately gross kiss descriptions.

This was all I ever wanted in life.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't technically true, but you can excuse me for having that thought flash through my head the moment Spain pushed me back on the couch and kissed me.

I'll give you a moment to get over the shock.

It wasn't even a gentle kiss, like a fucking first kiss is supposed to be, no- the asshole had to go and ravage me all over and practically eat my face. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, actually. I didn't even have any time to prepare, which meant he was probably tasting the pasta we had just eaten for lunch. Knowing him, though, he probably thought that was hot or something.

Idiot.

Why would I think that thought, you might ask? Well, because I could definitely taste his lunch, and I didn't think it was hot. At all. You see, I hold the firm-and, I think, not unreasonable!- opinion that no matter how good something tastes, you don't want to have it in your mouth twice. And he was using way too much tongue. I could barely even breathe. I guess the damn fool thought that my lack of response meant it was okay to go on kissing the fuck out of my face, but in reality I was just... temporarily in shock and unable to respond. You know, from being suddenly grabbed and French-kissed out of nowhere.

It wasn't sexy, or romantic, or anything. It wasn't even remotely enjoyable, actually. It was nothing like I thought a kiss from Spain would have been like. But even so, I couldn't help myself from thinking that thought- that this slimy, sloppy kiss was all I ever wanted in life. I'd been waiting for the bastard to kiss me for literal centuries, can you blame me? I mean, at least I knew he was interested. Not that I hadn't been positive before, but it was always nice to make sure.

You're probably wondering why I didn't make a move on him before, if I was so desperate to have him, right? Surely he couldn't be so oblivious that he would ignore my constant hints, whenever we were together, for hundreds of years? If somebody takes you out on a gondola in Venice, pays the gondolier an exorbitant amount of money to never speak of this to the Italian government on pain of death, and memorizes fifty-three lines of some dumb Spanish love poem to recite at random moments of the night, you'd think they'd get the hint, no?

Haha, well, about that-

Let me give you a piece of personal advice; you shouldn't jump to conclusions when it comes to romance- it can be quite dangerous. Or frustrating. Or both, in my case. But what can you do?- I suppose some people are just born incurable knuckleheads. I mean, he was always showering me with affection, but he does that to everyone. I, on the other hand, have some damn self-respect. I wasn't going to go throwing myself all over his fucking manly chest and into his goddamn muscular, bronzed arms if he wasn't ever going to acknowledge my efforts to engage him in intelligent, sophisticated, romantic conversation.

This may not have been the most logically-planned-out way to woo someone. Thus, the years and years of UST. But anyway!- I'm getting off track.

You probably want to hear all the dirty little details about our spitfully amazing first kiss.

Okay, here goes: after he slobbered all over me for a few seconds, I finally came to my fucking senses and realized what was going on. Just in case the stupid numbskull thought I wasn't interested, I pressed back up against him and bit his lip gently. He grabbed my waist and tilted his head, and we sort of fell sideways and broke apart.

Right, that was probably a gigantic letdown. I never promised to be a good writer, all right? Let's just say that it was a goddamn, bitchin', slob-tastic first kiss and move on, because that's not really the interesting part of the story at all.

Punching him in the face felt better than kissing him, honestly.

have some spamano working through their relationship issues B)
idk when i'll be able to update this thing but i'll shoot for once every few weeks! chapter length will vary, this first one is on the short side

DISCLAIMER: hidekaz himaruya is the creator of aph and i make no money off of this drivel

thanks for reading!