It was a long enough night as it was, but something darker than any demon Dean has ever faced was occupying his thoughts, making his pace pendulum back and forth from matching the tick of the grandfather clock that accompanied him in the living room to gaining speed one step at a time.
Tick.
"Cas," Dean uttered while trying to clean the clutter that was his thoughts, "I need you..."
Tock.
"Damnit, Cas, would you just get your ass down here," Dean demanded with slight hostility. Dean threw himself on the worn aging couch and tried to clear his mind by forcing the palms of his hands down on the top of his head.
Tick.
"I'm here, Dean. What's the matter? Is it about the seals?" Castiel asked with no hesitation along with the whispers that his wings threw across the room.
Dean rose himself up and faced the angel, frozen in place, not knowing where to start. He's had these thoughts in his head for as long as he could remember, and they've been clawing, begging, screaming to be released, but he couldn't say a word. All that could escape Dean was a single tear that fell from his right eye. Oddly enough, he didn't bother to attempt to hide it.
Castiels head tilted askew, with a deep concern that swam in the pools of water that were his eyes. This wasn't the typical plea for help Dean showed when it was an issue with a demon or an archangel. No, something was different this time. Castiels curiosity got the better of him, so he started with a simple question,
"Dean...what's troubling you?" Castiel asked as he took one step towards Dean, though Dean didn't react. All he could do was stand there, as color drained from his face, leaving nothing but the pale canvas of a man who has never taken the time to ask what he really wanted in his life.
"Cas...I...I don't know what I want anymore," Dean scoffed with a cracking voice.
Castiel saw something was truly bothering Dean, something that seemed to be itching to be revealed.
"Why don't you just...start from the beginning, Dean," was all Castiel could say. He was stumped; he felt helpless that he couldn't say anything that could ease Deans soul immediately. Castiel took Dean by the shoulder, feeling what felt like years of tension, and motivated him to sit by gently forcing his body to come in contact with the withering couch. Castiel, too, sat himself on the couch beside Dean.
Dean hung his head, fighting any uncertainty of his words, and decided to speak on a whim,
"Cas...I don't know what's going on with me right now...I feel like a completely different person right now. I don't feel like myself, or who I've been for the past twenty-some years. I-"
Castiel interrupted his stammering lips by placing a hand on his upper back, and offered a gentle rub.
"Dean, it's okay. Slow down and ease yourself. I'm not going to feel any indifferent to you from anything you could say to me."
Dean forced himself to look up at the angel, and focused on each feature on his face for a moment. He noticed himself reflected in the infinite oceans that were his eyes, the soft pillows that were his lips which uttered the first hello Castiel had ever said to him, and the prominent and strong jaw line which was sprinkled with two days worth of unshaven ash and dust. This calmed Dean, and he proceeded to speak while trying to maintain a clearer pattern of speech.
"Cas I...I think I'm in love with you," Dean confessed while looking straight into the angels eyes.
Castiels eyebrows furrowed out of confusion, accompanied by a slight widening of his eyes. He forced himself to control his initial reaction. This was about Dean, not Castiel. He focused his attention back to Dean's predicament,
"I don't understand...what makes you think this way? I thought you took more of an interest towards women."
Dean grew defensive,
"You don't think I know that, Cas? Of course I've banged nothing but chicks in my whole life. You can understand why the hell I'd all of a sudden be in love with another dude!"
Castiel tried not to show any hurt feelings from this out lash and reminded himself to focus on Dean's troubles, not his own.
"No, you're right, Dean. I'm sorry, I was speaking out of confusion. I didn't mean to make anything difficult."
"Yeah, well this IS fucking difficult, alright?!" Dean retorted, not sparing the angels emotions, nor bothering to keep a filter.
Castiel opened his mouth, but stopped immediately, not knowing how to respond.
A long silence lingered and haunted the space.
...
...
"...You know I never had the chance to really focus on who I am as a person?" Dean said quietly. He wiped the tears leaking from his eyes and continued, "I mean, my whole life has been dedicated to my fucking Father and who he was. I might as well been given a fourty-two gauge instead of a blanket at birth. All I was told was, 'Hunt shit, don't make any connections, and live a life like a, b, and c.' He told be to, 'Be a man.' What the fuck did that even mean to me as a kid, huh? It meant to be tough, act like a bad ass, and pose as the hero who saves the day and gets the girl. Those were my expectations, and I swore to myself to uphold to them. After all, what man doesn't sleep with a bunch of chicks, right?" Dean scoffed, forgetting he was speaking to another person in the room, rather than simply thinking out loud.
Castiel continued to stay quiet, and allowed Dean to pour all he had to give,
"Then you come along...You literally rescue me from eternal Hell, and you do all you can to keep my ass alive...Ever since that day I gained that scarlet hand print, I thought to myself, 'This is a second chance, you idjit. Get it right.' And since then, I've been having these thoughts of who I am as a person. Am I really supposed to be with women just so I can maintain this model of a 'man' that my dad made for me? One led to another, and I came to the conclusion that I'm apparently in love with you. I never took the time in my life to really think on what I want and who I am," Dean looked up at Castiel and concluded,
"You gave me another chance at life...and that's more than I could ever...ever ask for."
Castiel didn't waste another moment, and forced himself to lay a kiss on Deans lips. Dean let in a breath of shock, then immediately released all tension, giving in to Castiels love. Dean rested his hand upon the angels cheek, and forced his body closer to Castiels embrace. Castiel held Dean with a determination, locked in a storm of passion...and truth.
Castiel parted lips with Dean, but continued to hold him, and gave him a look, silently asking for approval. Dean opened his mouth, thinking an objection to a kiss from another man would leave, but instead he just...laughed. Not a laugh of insincerity, but a laugh of relief. All Castiel could do is give a slight smirk, happy to see Dean this lax. As Dean melted into Castiels arms, he looked up, and said to the angel with a smile,
"I uh...I think I'm going to be okay."